CarolAnne Posted December 3, 2006 Share Posted December 3, 2006 This is a really great forum and I'm hoping some parents out there can give me some good, encouraging, realistic advice about this situation-- I'm a single girl who recently finished grad school and I've become extremely close to a friend at work. I think about him all the time and he has asked me out and become one of my closest friends, truly a one-in-a-million guy. He is about 20 years older than me, which is why I was kind of surprised when he started showing an interest in me as more than a friend, but thrilled at the same time, because I have never felt such a perfect connection to any guy before, who can cheer you up out of a funk and make you laugh and feel totally happy, usually by the end of any conversation he's finishing my sentences and vice versa. Anyway, he is very close to his kids and I'm afraid to let him know how I feel because its not just him in the bargain, taking that step would mean becoming part of his family but I'm afraid his kids will never love me, or that they will even hate him for dating a younger woman which would hurt him worse than being burned alive. He loves them so much and I'm worried that even if I tried everything they would still resent me. Maybe watching Stepmom with Julia Roberts traumatised me. But the truth is, without considering his age, there is no one else who will understand me at the level that he does, and vice versa, for a lot of reasons I won't go into. And his kids are just amazing, thanks to a lot of very hard work by his ex-wife, but unfortunately being a super mom didn't fix their own compatibility issues as a couple, which had been there from the start. At the same time I know no stranger could ever convince me to replace my mom, and I dont want to replace their mom, I'm just scared they are genetically programmed to see me as, I don't know, something to be reviled. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 You have no idea how they'll react. They might be glad to see their father is happy. Or they might not, but they'll eventually come around. Don't let your fears prevent you from seeing what you two might have together. Link to post Share on other sites
morag Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 I may not be qualified to answer this - but as someone who has almost the exact same fears as you, but who did go ahead with a relationship, I can tell you my "pearls of wisdom". Honestly, if you go into it thinking they will hate you, you'll start to spend more time worrying about saying the right thing then being yourself. People respond better to real people then people trying to be "perfect". And it is so much harder on yourself. I stressed out over everything- I tried so hard and got so upset if it didn't go well - but for every bad day, there are good days. I think you need to be honest with this guy and tell him that you are worried. I didn't do that. I pretended that I was ok with it, and as a result I think my boyfriend couldn't understand me and I started to resent him a bit, but he never knew I was afraid that his child wouldn't like me. I wish I had been more upfront and just told him at the beginning that I was afraid that I'd do this wrong. Maybe things would have been easier. So I guess I'm saying you shouldn't walk away because you don't know. But you should be honest with him and always be honest with yourself about how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 re: CarolAnne: " And his kids are just amazing, thanks to a lot of very hard work by his ex-wife...... I'm just scared they are genetically programmed to see me as....something to be reviled." CarolAnne, with both my last two husbands (second and third) my relationships with their children were phenomenal. My second husband had three sons and a daughter -the eldest son was older than I was at the time (Smile); the third husband had three sons -the eldest was also older than me- and I had a fantastic relationship with all of these children. Each set of children had teriffic moms who had endeavored to raise educated, warm, caring, and insightfully balanced individuals who were so wonderful to get to know and love. With the second set of children, my relationship with them was (as it turned out) certainly far better than my rather tumultuous relationship with their own father! For me, the key was being open to some kind of relationship that served as a link that invited them directly into our home and our lives. With both sets of children, there was no contrived notion that I was (in any way) attempting to become some kind of authoritive or maternal figure to replace -or compete with- their mom, whom they obviously adored -I was simply me. I have to admit that accounting for at least *half* of my success in being able to form very strong relationships with these children was the fact that they had been raised by such well-grounded, unselfish -and smart- women who taught the value of respect for others, as well as many other essentials in producing such gems as offspring. My advice is to *be yourself*, be warm, open, and communicative, be respectful of who they are as* individuals* apart from their parent(s), and give them time to assess the potential of a relationship with you. As with anything lasting and worthwhile, it doesn't happen overnight. Take care. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel_0814p Posted December 11, 2006 Share Posted December 11, 2006 Anyway, he is very close to his kids and I'm afraid to let him know how I feel because its not just him in the bargain, taking that step would mean becoming part of his family but I'm afraid his kids will never love me, or that they will even hate him for dating a younger woman which would hurt him worse than being burned alive. All potential step-mothers have been here. You just have to have faith in yourself that you are a good and deserving person, and faith in your partner that although he will undoubtedly tend to his children before he tends to you, that he WILL tend to you, and make sure that you know how loved and important you are. You don't have control over anything else right now, so you must remind yourself to not make yourself sick worrying about it. Don't allow others --not even his kids -- to decide whether or not your relationship with this man is valid. If it's the best relationship you've ever had, then you owe it to yourself and to your boyfriend to hang in there and make it work for you, him and the kids!! Maybe watching Stepmom with Julia Roberts traumatised me. It wasn't a very realistic movie anyway. If it were (and not to be mean because I know it really does happen sometimes!) but if exwives really died, stepmoms everywhere could finally sigh a breath of relief!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted December 11, 2006 Share Posted December 11, 2006 All potential step-mothers have been here. You just have to have faith in yourself that you are a good and deserving person, and faith in your partner that although he will undoubtedly tend to his children before he tends to you, that he WILL tend to you, and make sure that you know how loved and important you are. You don't have control over anything else right now, so you must remind yourself to not make yourself sick worrying about it. Don't allow others --not even his kids -- to decide whether or not your relationship with this man is valid. If it's the best relationship you've ever had, then you owe it to yourself and to your boyfriend to hang in there and make it work for you, him and the kids!! It wasn't a very realistic movie anyway. If it were (and not to be mean because I know it really does happen sometimes!) but if exwives really died, stepmoms everywhere could finally sigh a breath of relief!!! Uhm..no. Even when I didn't get along with my H's ex at the beginning, I never would have breathed a sigh of relief had my stepson's mother died. Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel_0814p Posted December 11, 2006 Share Posted December 11, 2006 It was meant as a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted December 11, 2006 Share Posted December 11, 2006 It was meant as a joke. Yes, I do realize that you meant it that way. Sorry but with all due respect I thought it was in bad taste. Don't stepmom's get enough of a bad rap without making jokes like that? Link to post Share on other sites
goodfriendeva Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 if i were you i would stay out of it.. it really is none of your business and you might just end up making her really upset with you.. he will find out.. she will obviously be showing.. its up to her to talk about it.. you can try and talk to her about it.. but careful what you say.. (assuming shes young and immature) Link to post Share on other sites
bbelmont83 Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 This is a really great forum and I'm hoping some parents out there can give me some good, encouraging, realistic advice about this situation-- I'm a single girl who recently finished grad school and I've become extremely close to a friend at work. I think about him all the time and he has asked me out and become one of my closest friends, truly a one-in-a-million guy. He is about 20 years older than me, which is why I was kind of surprised when he started showing an interest in me as more than a friend, but thrilled at the same time, because I have never felt such a perfect connection to any guy before, who can cheer you up out of a funk and make you laugh and feel totally happy, usually by the end of any conversation he's finishing my sentences and vice versa. Anyway, he is very close to his kids and I'm afraid to let him know how I feel because its not just him in the bargain, taking that step would mean becoming part of his family but I'm afraid his kids will never love me, or that they will even hate him for dating a younger woman which would hurt him worse than being burned alive. He loves them so much and I'm worried that even if I tried everything they would still resent me. Maybe watching Stepmom with Julia Roberts traumatised me. But the truth is, without considering his age, there is no one else who will understand me at the level that he does, and vice versa, for a lot of reasons I won't go into. And his kids are just amazing, thanks to a lot of very hard work by his ex-wife, but unfortunately being a super mom didn't fix their own compatibility issues as a couple, which had been there from the start. At the same time I know no stranger could ever convince me to replace my mom, and I dont want to replace their mom, I'm just scared they are genetically programmed to see me as, I don't know, something to be reviled. I am going through something almost exactly the same. I am in a commited relationship with an older woman who has 4 children. The biggest fear I have about being with her is the acceptance of those little kiddos. Even though their biological father isnt making it hard for me(i.e. him being abusive and a drunk) I know they still love him very much. I didnt want to make them feel like I was trying to replace him. Ive talked to them a little and so has my sweetheart about all of it. I was completely relieved to hear that they were more open to me than I had once thought. They do still love their father, but they have accepted me(at least till they start the teens lol, worried about that one). I dont know how old his children are, but just let them know that you arent trying to replace their mom. And go on the lovey dovey stuff in front of them for a little bit, till they get more comfy with it all. Link to post Share on other sites
goodfriendeva Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 if i were you i would stay out of it.. it really is none of your business and you might just end up making her really upset with you.. he will find out.. she will obviously be showing.. its up to her to talk about it.. you can try and talk to her about it.. but careful what you say.. (assuming shes young and immature) sorry that was posted in the wrong place by mistake Link to post Share on other sites
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