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What does a step dad call his step kids?


kjl933

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OK, I was recently out with my ex wife, her new hubby, and my kids. I overheard her current husband (my kids' stepfather) discussing my daughter with someone and he said, "well, my daughter Behelzebub".......

 

I glared at my ex wife with a decidedly WTF look, and my daughter responded to her step dad "you mean step daughter".

 

I now learn that my ex is encouraging this terminology because as she says they are a "family" and the "step" is such a "mean" word.

 

I know that I am their father, that is not an issue for me and they know I am as well. I am not concerned about being "replaced". I just think that the title should not convey simply because you are currently married (my initial word was "frikking") to my ex wife.

 

Further, this is her third hubby, and there are problems from what I hear, so he may be a short termer in any event. If I thought he would stick around and be a part of the kids lives if and when they split, I might be ok with it, but he really does not like the kids. He is not paternal, has one son that he refused to be a part of his life and only paid child support to mom till the kid was 18 but has no contact with him. So to him at this stage in his life, my kids are a bother--and I woudl probably feel the same if I were in his position--never married before, no kids, no desire to have kids, etc.

 

So, am I getting my nose all out of joint here? My kids tell me that he refers to them as his son or daughters all the time--especially when he is on the phone they overhear it.

 

It does bother me. My ex has her position on this that she wants to be a family and not a step family. Well it is what it is. So, just curious as to others' opinions!

 

Thanks

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I don't think it is approprate and I think you should sit down and have a talk with your ex-wife and her husband to discuss this and tell them you feel very uncomfterable with the terminology.

 

Your wife is trying to live in some fantasy....the perfect family. This is harmful to the children for these reasons.

 

The children know who they are. They know who thier father is. They know their heritage and it is a big part of themselves.

 

In the children's eyes....what your wife is doing is FORCING them to lie to the outside world. It becomes the children's job to uphold a false image of a "perfect family" (mom, dad, kids) that simply does not exist. The children know that this perfect family does not exist, they know thier life is a lie, they are forced to lie, and forced to believe that if they honor themselves by telling the truth about who they are....they will ruin the family unit.

 

This does not teach a child self worth, self esteem, or that their heritige is valuable. It does indeed teach them that who they are is not good enough. That they must "fix" themselves & the family by lying about their conception. "This family is the perfect family...not a step family....because this man IS your father". The upholdal of the "perfect family" is the job of the child who must pretend to be someone who he is not to accomplish this goal.

 

I hope your wife can see how this can be damaging to a child in the long run. She needs to teach the children to be proud of WHO THEY ARE, to respect themselves, and that families come in all shapes and sizes and they can love thier real dad very much and also have respect/affection for a step-parent. This is what is healthy....not a big family lie.

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One important part I left out...I share custody with my ex 50-50 so it is not like I am a Disney dad. I have them every other week.

 

I spoke with another friend and she said that if the kids were ok with it (maybe it makes it easier to not explain) not to pitch a fit. But, if they felt uncomfortable---to then talk to my ex.

 

I can understand if I am out of the picture, abandoned them or am otherwise not in their lives, but this guy (IMHO) is a short termer and to be honest is not into kids.

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Dang, if my kid's dad remarried, I would flip-out if his wife tried to become "mom" to my kids. Would NOT happen. I would set the record straight and raise a big hissy fit about it (kids not being around at the time).

 

I think kid's see through that crap anyways. Didn't your daughter already tell him to call her 'step-daughter'.

 

Maybe it will work itself out.

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My stepdad also used to to refer to me as his daughter..And my mom called my stepsister her daughter. It's no big deal. Why make so much out of it if they know that you're they're father? "Step" does sound ugly to me. I hate saying it.

 

Peace in the family is more important than a petty thing like what he chooses to call your kids. They're your kids and always will be no matter what he calls them.

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I don't think it is a big deal.. but if you have a problem with it then talk to your ex and have her husband not call her his daughter in your presence.

 

He should respect you.. My step mom never used to call us ( my bro and I) her sons around my mom.. when my mom wasn't around she always called us her son's..

 

Some of what is acceptable and what isn't should be left up to your daughter. if she wants him to call her step then he should respect it. on the other hand if your daughter doesn't have a problem with it then ....

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yeah what the clown says.

 

I do agree with this part big time...

 

but if you have a problem with it then talk to your ex and have her husband not call her his daughter in your presence.

 

Now, if he were a loving, giving father to her, a man that you really respected and liked, then obviously there would be no problems.

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I think somebody calling you a 'stepdaughter' makes you feel unwanted or distant. My stepmother never referred to me as her 'stepdaughter' and that was fine by me. I didn't call her 'mom' and that was fine by her. I think if a person wants to claim you as his own, it's a compliment.

 

The kids know who their parents are. Using the terms without the 'step' is just shorthand.

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I feel that I can have some say in this matter. I married a woman with 3 children. We were married for 12yrs together for 15. I raised her kids & never told them that I was to be called "dad" Only after there father died & my wife & I have Have divorced that they have refered me as there dad.My stepdaughter told me the other day that I will always be her dad for all that I have done for them, & that their dad is gone & I have always been there for them & always will be.

I know how it is being from a family that has suffered from divorce & remarriage. My stepmother wanted to be called mom ,but she wasn't our mom & she needed to respect our feelings about this. Today we are very close to her & are greatfull for the love she had for us.

I don't know if this helps, but it is what it is.........

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RecordProducer
"well, my daughter Behelzebub".......

 

What a lovely name! :laugh:

 

I think it's terrible for your kids. :( Their psyches are still developing and they are acquiring their own identity. And then there's this guy messing up with their heads calling them 'son' and 'daughters.' They are being taught that they should love him and respect him and encouraged to pretend. It's a f*cked up situation, trust me. Been there, done that. Awfully traumatic.

 

There is nothing wrong with saying "My wife's daughter"!!! She is NOT his daughter and there is no reason for him to call her like that unless the relationship between them is totally parent-child like filled with lots of love and closeness, which I doubt is the case.

 

Take your wife to a children's psychologist. If she refuses to go with you, take the kids and accuse her of being a careless mother that neglects her children's emotions.

 

My kids call hubby "daddy" but they enjoy it and love him a lot and he loves them.

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I don't think it is a big deal.. but if you have a problem with it then talk to your ex and have her husband not call her his daughter in your presence.

 

He should respect you.. My step mom never used to call us ( my bro and I) her sons around my mom.. when my mom wasn't around she always called us her son's..

 

Some of what is acceptable and what isn't should be left up to your daughter. if she wants him to call her step then he should respect it. on the other hand if your daughter doesn't have a problem with it then ....

 

There is a huge difference between them calling him "Dad" and him referring to them as his daughter or son. I would never ask my children to call their stepfather dad out of respect for my exhusband. He frequently refers to them as "our children" to people when we are being introduced. But never in the presence of their father.

 

There needs to be some respect there for you from him. Talk to your exwife if this is an issue for you. My husband purposely told my children they were never to refer to him as dad, out of respect for their father. Sometimes the youngest slips and does it but we don't make a big deal out of it. She's only five.

 

Also your kids should not be in the middle of this situation. Discuss it with her directly or they may feel like they are having to take sides. That's never a good thing and I was in that situation when my parents divorced.

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My husband purposely told my children they were never to refer to him as dad, out of respect for their father. Sometimes the youngest slips and does it but we don't make a big deal out of it. She's only five.

 

A child counselor will tell you that this isn't the right way to handle what a child calls his/her step parent.

This type of statement isolates the child and confuses them.. if they feel real fatherly love and can't express it in their own words then they get confused.

Children ( young ones ) don't have the tools like we adults do to be able to process emotions.

 

They will tell you that it should be left up to the child..

I know this because of it being told to me thru several different child therapists that I went to for 2 years while I was a step parent.

 

 

Also your kids should not be in the middle of this situation. Discuss it with her directly or they may feel like they are having to take sides. That's never a good thing and I was in that situation when my parents divorced.

Great advice.. nobody mentioned that the kids are somewhat being put in the middle with your daughter jumping to your defense and correcting him.

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My s/o calls my kids by their names .He does not refer to them as his children . A few years back me and Dad got into it b/c his W was refering to the kids as her kids and had the kids calling her mom .I finnally told him that that was fine , if they could have 2 moms they for sure could have 2 dads. It ended , he told the kids they only had one mom ,and it was me .They only had one dad and it was him. They now are refered to solely as step -child or by their names and they refer to our s/o's by their names. Its not confusing .They refer to step mom as their L and my s/o as their M .as in : Hi Im Josh and this is my M . Works out well.

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I agree with Touche that step sounds so ugly!! I call my ss son my son alot . I have raised him since he was two I think I have earned that right. I think when I refer to him as my ss it makes him feel that he don't belong!! JMO

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Thanks all. A lot of good points. The kids do not call him Dad...they call me Dad. He is refered to by his first name.

 

The issue I had was with the casual reference to my kids being his. Oh this is my daughter. Oh, my son just knocked something over. That type of thing.

 

I think the best solution suggested by someone (sorry am lazy and don't feel like scrolling back) is to see if he will refrain from referring to them in that manner when I am there. What I don't know won't hurt me! LOL

 

Typically they all use first names between themselves, so it is not like he is saying "Son, be sure to take out the trash."

 

I will ask my oldest if he is uncomfortable with the reference and if so, I may say something more to the ex.

 

I tend to agree that step and ex can be harsh sounding, but it is what it is. It would be a simple solution to say oh this is Behelzebub, my wife's daughter.

 

Thanks all

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Well...in my relationship my bf and i refer to all the kids between us as our kids. I have never had to say my daughter or son about his kids. But between us two we say all of our kids. I dont see any problem with the step parent saying my daughter. I hate the word step. Now if my kids step mom said my daughter it would be ok. maybe not when i am there so whoever she is talking to doesnt confuse her to be the bio mom. but thats all. if the my kids were calling her mom then i would have a issue but not the other way around.

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A child counselor will tell you that this isn't the right way to handle what a child calls his/her step parent.

This type of statement isolates the child and confuses them.. if they feel real fatherly love and can't express it in their own words then they get confused.

Children ( young ones ) don't have the tools like we adults do to be able to process emotions.

 

 

Interesting Art. It wasn't really like an order it was kind of like "Hey guys- you don't ever have to call me dad- because you have a dad- and I don't want to try to take his place- he's always going to be your dad" that kind of thing.

 

This happened one night when my son kept us up until two in the morning crying. We'd all been to dinner and stuff as a family and my MIL was there and my son kept asking me to tell her stories about his dad. Then we went got in the car and he cried all the way home. I think it was the first time that it really hit him that he had a stepdad. It hurt that we were all sitting there as a family without his dad and my husband was trying to make him feel better.

 

Things are much better now- but as you know- it takes a long time to blend a family, even under the best circumstances.

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Well I call my step father by his name but refer to him as my dad when I am speaking about him and he does the same.

 

My daughter does the same thing with my BF. But I know she is waiting for us to get married and than she can call him dad she said so to me. On cards and stuff she address it to dad and that's him.

 

But her father is not in the picture and we've been dating since she was 5.

 

I would agree with art critic said.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My step-children refer to me as "the other mommy". I was very surprised that their mother, who hates me, didn't throw a fit. She said "The children know who their mother is, and there is no point in stressing them about it now." I refer to them as my husband's children. Since my husband is gone, I only see them once a month or so, so I don't see them often enough for this to be a real issue.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have a five year old that isn't my husbands and it is up to my son and his feelings on what to be called and how to call my husband. It started out as K. Then it progress to dad, we don't push we allow him to express himself the way he wants. I do feel that if the step parent uses the wod son/daughter they need to stick with it. You can be son/daughter one day and the step child the next. I deal with my husband when it comes to this because he changes with the wind but I remind him that my son may call him StepD if he refers to him as a step and hits him hard. Biological parents sometimes have a hard time with this but what is there to worry about? It isn't everyday that someone has more than one mom and dad.

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I agree with Touche that step sounds so ugly!! I call my ss son my son alot . I have raised him since he was two I think I have earned that right. I think when I refer to him as my ss it makes him feel that he don't belong!! JMO

I agree with this. Isn't a stepson (or daughter) a type of "son" ? My son calls my wife by her first name, she calls him her "son" - works for everyone involved. Besides, why the need to clarify the relationship to everyone else, including relative strangers. If you force an introduction as "stepson", do you also say "And this is Mary, my second wife" ?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think it depends on how old the kids are, if its a little kid then I don't see anything wrong with the step parent trying to create a family environment by calling them son or daughter.

 

If the kid is older though theres no reason to do it, especially when there real father is close and a part of there lives, to me that just looks like he step father is being dick or trying to step on someones toes, especially since he does not even like the children, titles like that are not given out to any random person off the street.

 

You talk to your wife and if that does not work then talk to your kids. I like that your daughter corrects him.

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  • 1 month later...

I still refer to my former stepchildren as my kids. My ex and I worked hard on building the family aspect of our relationship. My biological daughter still calls them her brother and sister. (Not stepbrother and stepsister).

 

They still call me Dad. I know their biological father. He and I discussed this topic one time early on in my marriage to her. He felt that it wasn't an issue. I told him I respected his place as their father and wasn't trying to replace him. His exact words to me were "let's let the kids decide how they want to address you... whatever they choose is fine with me".

 

Well, to give an example... their biological father, the ex's current husband, and I all showed up for the daughters football game (she's on drill team)... she was so excited that her three "Dad's" had all come to be with her that night...

 

So bottom line, I don't think it's a big deal... don't project negative feelings. That's basically sticking the kids in the middle of a no-win situation. Be man or woman enough to know that your kids love you, but that they do have a new person in their life that they have to relate to in some way... and let them choose how they'll do it.

 

That's my two cents....

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