Controlling adult parents

[petunia]

Anyone have experience dealing with controlling parents now that we're all adults? Ok, so I broke free from controlling parents a few years ago, and now they're moving into my town to be closer to me and the rest of the family. They are loving, but want everything to be perfect in my life, so they have grand expectations and are critical of me.

 

I'm concerned that having them so close will cause all sorts of inner turmoil and ruin the freedom that I now enjoy in my life.

 

I worked very hard to grow up, be emotionally stable, and be on my own and financially independent. Trouble is, my career (by the nature of the work) is not very stable, so I know that they'll start dangling financial carrots in front of me, which always have my parents' manipulative strings attached.

 

They have boundaries issues (lack respect for privacy), and meddle.

 

I know not to take their financial offers, and know not to ask for their advice. I might believe that I have a thicker skin at this point, and that I also have gained perspective and maybe even have a sense of humor about them, but, what the heck am I supposed to do, run for the hills? HELP!

[Craig]

This is your life so run for the hills if you have to but in the mean time remember to put up an emotionally strong front (even if you don't feel strong) to your parents manipulative ways. Don't be drawn into their web, be polite and respectful but if they don't respect your independent thought and life then don't talk to them about the details of your life. Remember anything you say can be used to manipulate you at a later date. Protect the world you have built, it's yours not theirs.

 

You can try training them too. If they try the old manipulative krap with you again just end the conversation and walk out quietly. They'll eventually get the idea that if they are to see you and enjoy your company then it will be on your terms.

 

Be ready for anything, they may have grown up too or they may sorely dissapoint you.

 

My $0.02

[lindya]

I agree with Craig's approach.

 

I think there are many people out there who are somewhat suffocated by the meddling concern, love and expectations of their parents.

 

Next time one of them rolls into critical parent mode, maybe you could respond by banging a spoon against the table then putting your fingers in your ears and leering at them as you sing "tra la la, I can't hear you. La la."

 

Obviously, this will result in a temporary and justifiable explosion of indignation on your parents' part (don't do it if either of them are easily moved to violence or any medical condition relating to blood pressure). Once the outburst is over, you can apologise and explain that sometimes you need to be treated as an adult in order to function like one. ...and if they find it difficult to perceive you as the adult you now are, you'll be more than happy to help them work on it.

[Maddy]

I know what you mean, my dad goes on and on about how he wished his parents gave him some guidance and all that other crap, blah blah blah. All too often misguided parents overcompensate for the lost times in their young adult years with their kids, but they do it the wrong way and then it backfires. They have unrealistic expectations and want to re-live their own dreams through their sons and daughters. But it just doesn't work that way because its selfish. Parents need to back off and leave their teenage and young adult sons and daughters alone. I don't mean completely, but let us do what we want to do. If we want to be a secretary or a factory worker, let us do it, so what if we don't become doctors or lawyers. After all, we're adults we don't need your approval we just need your support. If we need your so-called "help" we'll ask for it.

[petunia]

Thanks so much! I'll employ some of the advice you guys have given.