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Dealing with a difficult father


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Old 7th July 2006, 7:40 PM   #1
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Dealing with a difficult father

Hey guys, im going through a rough period of time right now and could use a little support..

To start things off, Id like to say that my childhood and growing up were more or less picture perfect. We lived in a nice suburban neighborhood, parents never caused physical harm to me or each other, and things were always rather peachy. I had a lot of friends growing up and still do today and was always very active with sports and well liked in school.

Im 22 now and things around home just feel odd. My father has always had a bit of a temper and could be quite rude and nasty to my mother who almost NEVER started a fight. Lately however, I feel that my father is becomming more and more distant. At the dinner table he will barely say a word, he is always complaining to my mother (who would do anything for my father and I), and he constantly flies off the handle about little things.

Growing up he was the same way, but i feel i didnt fully realize it until I matured and began to see things from a different point of view. When i was younger i remember my mother talking about how he is just a whiny miserable person due to his upbringing. There was a time shed talk to me about wanting to divorce him ( i was about 11 or 12 when shed tell me this). Im sorry if this post is incoherent or just plain rambling, im just trying to get all this off my chest as it comes to me...Anyhow, its very saddening to me to feel like i am becomming so disconnected with my father. We have never been especially close and I feel bad about that. I see how he treats my mother at times, and it makes me angry with him...its never anything more than a snide remark, or being unneccessarily difficult and rude to her...but still, I feel bad for her...When i went away to college I felt bad leaving her ther ewith him, because I know what a pain in the ass he can be...

Tonight at dinner was a turning point for me however...it was yet another night he sat there in silence barely recognizing either of us as he barely touched a dinner my mother worked hard to make, as she does almost every night. After dinner I said something to my mother and she replied that my father is just a very boring person, etc....she can always read me and she knows how i feel about him, and she said something that really made me think and caused me to make this post...She says, your father is going to be all alone one day and have no one to blame but himself. mabye then, someone will let him know why.

Im not exactly sure what she meant by it, but it got me thinking...There really is no changing my father and deep down im pretty sure he loves both me and my mother, and he has always provided for us, but I just dont know how to feel about him...I feel very tense and awkward when he is around and I dont know if I should just let things go as they are and allow what my mother said will happen, to happen.

Im sorry if this is long and full of run ons...I just really had to get this off my chest, and didnt know exactly how to say it all......if youve got any response or story to share thatd be great.
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Old 8th July 2006, 11:14 AM   #2
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My father was emotionally distant throughout my growing up as well. He always took care of business where our family was concerned but was not personaly approachable. I truly believe that he and my mother had a true, love-hate relationship but their arguments were the passion in their marriage and sustained both them and their relationship.

My mother often hinted at leaving my father yet they were married 44 years, a marriage that only ended with her death from pancreatic cancer. It was only during the year and a half that followed until my father's death that he and I actually began talking for the first time in my life and we actually became friends during the last six month of his life -- a life neither of us knew would also be cut short. He missed my mother for whatever reasons (I truly believe he really loved her to the extent he was able) and willed himself to death.

I cherish that half year and both their memories, even now almost 20 years later.
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Old 12th July 2006, 2:08 PM   #3
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My father is difficult as well he goes around yelling and cursing at me just because he doesn't like my salary and says that I'm "lazy" and a "dumb ass" and he treats my younger brother better. Then he has the nerve to wonder why I act the way I do.
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Old 2nd September 2006, 7:30 AM   #4
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Dealing with dad

Hi Sweetie,

I had a similar upbringing to you, everything very good, a fotunate family. My father has always been similar to you dad. My father is very difficult to be around, he needs his own space and I have always felt as though I was intruding, this is in my own home! The rudness and no one being allowed to have their own opinion. I moved out very young and then back home a few times. I am back home for a month as I am in the process of moving abroad. Day 2 and it has already kicked off. I allowed my father to dictate to me for a long time but it helps no one. Firstly you have to be strong and don't dwell on things too much, be positive. Perhaps your father is just misunderstood. I have sometimes told my father what I think of him, of course this has caused a row but sometimes people need to be told. I would suggest to pick a good time and speak to him, if not possible, maybe write him a note. You will do it in your own way but believe me it will make things better, if he ignores your comments then at least you get things off your chest. Don't be afraid to express yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yanks22 View Post
Hey guys, im going through a rough period of time right now and could use a little support..

To start things off, Id like to say that my childhood and growing up were more or less picture perfect. We lived in a nice suburban neighborhood, parents never caused physical harm to me or each other, and things were always rather peachy. I had a lot of friends growing up and still do today and was always very active with sports and well liked in school.

Im 22 now and things around home just feel odd. My father has always had a bit of a temper and could be quite rude and nasty to my mother who almost NEVER started a fight. Lately however, I feel that my father is becomming more and more distant. At the dinner table he will barely say a word, he is always complaining to my mother (who would do anything for my father and I), and he constantly flies off the handle about little things.

Growing up he was the same way, but i feel i didnt fully realize it until I matured and began to see things from a different point of view. When i was younger i remember my mother talking about how he is just a whiny miserable person due to his upbringing. There was a time shed talk to me about wanting to divorce him ( i was about 11 or 12 when shed tell me this). Im sorry if this post is incoherent or just plain rambling, im just trying to get all this off my chest as it comes to me...Anyhow, its very saddening to me to feel like i am becomming so disconnected with my father. We have never been especially close and I feel bad about that. I see how he treats my mother at times, and it makes me angry with him...its never anything more than a snide remark, or being unneccessarily difficult and rude to her...but still, I feel bad for her...When i went away to college I felt bad leaving her ther ewith him, because I know what a pain in the ass he can be...

Tonight at dinner was a turning point for me however...it was yet another night he sat there in silence barely recognizing either of us as he barely touched a dinner my mother worked hard to make, as she does almost every night. After dinner I said something to my mother and she replied that my father is just a very boring person, etc....she can always read me and she knows how i feel about him, and she said something that really made me think and caused me to make this post...She says, your father is going to be all alone one day and have no one to blame but himself. mabye then, someone will let him know why.

Im not exactly sure what she meant by it, but it got me thinking...There really is no changing my father and deep down im pretty sure he loves both me and my mother, and he has always provided for us, but I just dont know how to feel about him...I feel very tense and awkward when he is around and I dont know if I should just let things go as they are and allow what my mother said will happen, to happen.

Im sorry if this is long and full of run ons...I just really had to get this off my chest, and didnt know exactly how to say it all......if youve got any response or story to share thatd be great.
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Old 8th September 2006, 8:05 PM   #5
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Hi there:

I have had a similar experience. Because of this, I'd like to contribute my opinion. First thing to consider would definately be to see if you two can work something out. Depending on his personality, sharing your feelings would be the best way to resolve problems (I tried this approach, and it nearly killed me , so make sure you know what your getting into). However, if you feel confident that that isn't possible, and you feel uncomfortable with him being around, then try to find a way to get out of the house. Go hang up, play sports, study, or whatever you can to keep yourself from being with your father. And when you finally live on your own, maybe it'll give you some new insights on the solutions to correct your relationship. But honestly, some people never change. Life goes on. Whatever you do, don't do anything that will make you appear to be rebellious. Exert your independence, and maybe time will fix it up. Good luck my friend!
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Old 8th September 2006, 8:49 PM   #6
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Hi there:

I have had a similar experience. Because of this, I'd like to contribute my opinion. First thing to consider would definately be to see if you two can work something out. Depending on his personality, sharing your feelings would be the best way to resolve problems (I tried this approach, and it nearly killed me , so make sure you know what your getting into). However, if you feel confident that that isn't possible, and you feel uncomfortable with him being around, then try to find a way to get out of the house. Go hang up, play sports, study, or whatever you can to keep yourself from being with your father. And when you finally live on your own, maybe it'll give you some new insights on the solutions to correct your relationship. But honestly, some people never change. Life goes on. Whatever you do, don't do anything that will make you appear to be rebellious. Exert your independence, and maybe time will fix it up. Good luck my friend!
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