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Am I Being Too Pushy About This?


flowergirl

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flowergirl

Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been going out for six months, it's been pretty cool, but there's something that's bothering the s**t out of me, and I can't seem to let it go, so I'm typing this diatribe seeking advice, of course, on whether I'm obsessing over this matter too much or whether my boyfriend is being selfish. Here's the deal. I had come on here awhile ago complaining how my boyfriend never comes over to visit me at my house, where I live with my parents. Well, he's been over twice within the last four months, but I feel he hasn't come over enough. I feel that a person should have regular interaction with the parents of their SO, at least twice a month, I don't think that's asking too much. I feel that at least one of those visits should include a meal. My boyfriend feels quite the opposite. He says he should only come over when he feels like it, not under the dictates of some rules of socializing etiquette. He especially doesn't like hanging out at my house because 1.) he feels uneasy in any environment where he can't act like himself and 2.) my mother isn't exactly a warm person by any defininition and he feels that at some point, he might feel compelled to call her out on her mean behavior towards me. As I said before, he never said that he would never, ever come over, but that his contact would be limited. I just have this creeping fear that he'll one day decide that he never wants to come over, and will stop even limited contact. Now, as I stated before, I have strong beliefs regarding socializing and its frequency. Regardless of whether one wants to be in a social situation or not, I feel that's no excuse, especially for an adult, especially to make your SO happy. I've already stated that my boyfriend feels the opposite. Am I expecting too much to request that he conform to my socializing etiquette, or is he being selfish by saying he wants limited contact with my family because it makes him uncomfortable? I love him, and I don't want this to come between us. Thanks for reading, and I'm looking forward to getting sage, sensible advice.

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tanbark813

I can understand wanting your SO to get along with your parents but that sounds a little demanding. Do you expect him to take it upon himself to come over and visit with your parents or do you invite him over (for dinner, for example)? It's also only been six months.

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Is it possible that he's actually uncomfortable with the fact that you live with parents and not the unwelcoming behavior of your mom?

I don't know how old you are or the circumstances for which you are living at home so it's tough to offer advice...

I have a couple of thoughts running through my head but I don't want to be presumptuous or offensive.

How old are you? Why do you live at home? Do you often stay with him (over night)? Are you able to have any privacy at your parents house?

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flowergirl

Hey, Vampress, what's up? Please don't be afraid to say all that's on your mind, it's important to the discussion, and I won't be offended in the least, after all, I'm here for everyone's honest opinion. Anyway, to answer your questions: 1.) I'm 30, 2.) I'm living at home because I have mental health problems (bipolar), and am trying to get back on my feet, 3.) Yes, I stay at his house on a regular basis and lastly, yeah, there's a room down in the basement that we can go to have some privacy, although with my brother getting back from college, that'll be out. The fact that I live at home is a small factor in it, but mostly he's uncomfortable in the fact that he can't be himself, and that my mom' attitude puts him off. Thanks for your input Tanbark and Vampress, it's definitely helped me out. By the way, Tanbark, are you really the perfect angel like in your avatar? :)

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tanbark813
By the way, Tanbark, are you really the perfect angel like in your avatar? :)

 

No. I just like to give the illusion that I'm good. :D

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If family is an important thing to you in a relationship he should respect that in the same way you would respect anything important to him. If this thread was about sex people would instantly give you the "your right, your bf is wrong" response, but the idea that its family makes people uneasy.

 

My parents didn't take my last relationship all to seriously, to some extent they were opposed to it (they dont want me to date, and interracial is even worse). I ignoored that and ignoored them having anything to do with the relationship, and I also ignoored that my ex was uneasy about not meeting my family and interacting with them. Now that I look back on it I would stray from the topic every time it came up and this would upset my ex. I should have done something about it - if it was important to her I should have respected that and at the least tried to make things work.

 

A relationship is a partnership, both individuals must come togather putting equal amounts of time, energy, and emotion into it. Each problem or disagrement must be worked out so that both are happy in the end, or that at the least both sides are heard. You can't just take your side and ignoor the other - in the long run it won't work.

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flowergirl

Well, my boyfriend and I had a serious discussion last night about this, and he says he still doesn't agree on my viewpoint, but that he'll try to compromise. I have come to the conclusion that neither one of us is right or wrong in this, we just have polar opposite viewpoints, and we have to work to come to a mutually satisfactory conclusion, especially since we're both set in our ways and stubborn.

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flowergirl

Well, good news. My boyfriend came over on Saturday for a family get-together, whcih has made me extremely happy. I had recently had a discussion with him getting to the root of some of my complaints, a conversation which really registered with him. I'm already starting to see some of my issues addressed, which I know takes time, but makes me feel much better. Again, thanks for everyone's advice.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Damn, what's wrong with me?! I can't stop obsessing over this whole socialization thing! I'm trying so hard to tell myself that if my boyfriend is uncomfortable around my parents, then he shouldn't be forced to socialize with them that often. I just always had this vision in my head of having an SO who was around my parents as much as me, like going to events, eating dinners, an extension of the family, and that I wouldn't even consider a long-tern relationship with someone who didn't conform to my socialization standards, which pretty much require that as the relationship progresses, so does the amount of socializing, until it reaches a post-nuptial level of at least twice a month. I am with a man who cares deeply about my well-being and, although some of our views differ, tries to be receptive to me. I think part of it is I envision us getting married in a couple of years, and feel embarrasement about explaining why my husband is not with me at dinner, or some other social occasion. I'm sure he'd have no problem showing up on Holidays, and Birthdays, but the issue is I feel SO's and husbands have an obligation to suck it up, so to speak, and be social, beacause part of being an adult is sometimes doing things you don't like, especially when it comes to the emotional health of a relationship. Does this seem so strict? I'm starting to feel maybe my expectations are too much, and that I'm being too hard on my boyfriend. I really need advice.

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You are asking a lot of a boyfriend you've only recently started dating. He's far from being your husband, and the type of interaction with your family that you would like to have is the kind you'd have with a husband or maybe a LONG term relationship. As you get closer to marriage, you can ask for more dinners and whatnot, but not when you've barely gotten your relationship off the ground. Have you two even discussed marriage? Why do you think you'll be married in two years?

 

Personally, I wouldn't want to socialize that much with a new boyfriend's family. I'm dating him, not his family. If BF and I get to the point where the relationship is more serious, then I can see spending more time with his family, and he spending more time with mine.

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