My husband has a child from another marriage

[Guest]

My husband has a child from another marriage that he does not get to see,and has not seen him since he was 4.His mother now has he beleiveing all kinds of things and now he doesn't want to have anything to do with his dad.Does any one have a suggestion on how to maybe get him to want to have a relationship with his dad.The child is 17 and will be 18 this yr.

[Curmudgeon]

I went throught that with my two youngest daughters. Their mother kept them away from, hating and fearful opf me for over 10 years, from the ages of five and nine.

 

The process the mother employs that affects the child is called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). It's a form of brainwashing that also is a form of emotional child abuse. At ages 16 and 20 my daughters finally started to figure their mother out, left her home and reconnected with me. Fortunately, they had three much older siblings who also helped persuade them.

 

One thing I always did was stay in touch, even though I never heard back, acknowledged and remembered birthdays and Christmas, even though they never acknowledged me in return, and sent a constant message that my wife's and my home and hearts were always open to them.

 

If your husband has simply stayed out of his son's life, the young man may or may not ever want anything to do with him. His curiosity could prompt him to make contact at some point in his life, likely connected to some major event such as marriage or the birth of a child of his own. Meanwhile, your husband should try to contact him on occasion, not be pushy, and let the child become comfortable with the idea.

[HokeyReligions]

That's a very hard age and the child is probably filled with resentment and uncertanties. Have your husband write him letters telling him how he (your hubby) feels and worried about him. Write lots of letters -short ones, long ones. Put the dates on them. Make copies. If the child is not ready to read them save them for later. Maybe when the child is grown up a bit more he will want to pursue a relationship and have some questions answered. Make sure he knows that his dad does want to be part of his life and will wait for him to be ready. Tell him that when he wants to talk you will both be ready.

 

I know the letters thing sounds kind of weird, but I have some experience within my own family with something like that and the letters - written over many years, but never read - were well received when the person was ready for them, and seeing the dates on the letters made it somewhat easier to swallow as sincere because the person could remember what was going on in their own life at the times the letters were written.

 

Also, is there any way that your husband can talk with his child's mother and try to work something out for the benefit of their child? Even if the child does't warm up to his dad right away it would be helpful to see his parents trying to come together because they both love the child.