Moria Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Here is an issue. My mother inlaw is the matriarch of the family. Greatly respected as a survivor of WW2 and adored by her grandchildren. In over 20 years I have always made it a point to be sure she is respected and admired. The kids have a week w her each one on their own and we bend over backwards to give time and support when needed and room when she is visiting here. It all started 20 years ago I married her only son. I learned a few weeks into the marriage that she had wanted a prenup signed but he never brought it to my attention. She then proceeded to distrust all my family and I would do over time. I worked weekends so when the inlaws came to visit I was never home. That does not help trust me . They learned that i was invisible and from then on that is how it has been...... Her negativity was carefully icy only to me. Her desires were that I was a cook and partner and finanacially sound. As a young married girl I was none of these but we muddled along. My spouse would use his parents as a venting sponge and I allowed that to happen. We were far away. Life is short and I admit I vented to my parents too. Then we moved closer as they all got older. His dad died. She now becomes a real source pain to me. How can I improve this relationship. We are not in town, we are 3 hours away. His only sister feeds the fire as well. So I am often at best politely included and at worst shunned at events. I know I am different. But it has been 20 years and our children and beautiful and accomplished and we have proven we are good for each other. Luckily the marriage is fine. I feel real pain that I cannot connect to this woman I really admire. I just wish there was some return of affection. Even at Christmas there are no gifts betw us. She has said long ago she did not want anything from me more than my children's time. Good grief. The rare times I did get her a gift she hid it away and regifted it or berated me about the cost or impracticality. Any ideas?? So I just stopped trying about 5 years ago and that works a bit. It becomes a crater in my heart. The kids notice it too. My spouse is completely aware. I have asked him to step in but he is dependent. and....cowed. He will not address this in the least. Fearful himself he will lose her respect and ear. How silly. Meanwhile I just am sad. So I could blame the spouse but I really just blame myself. Link to post Share on other sites
redscorpionsc Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Moria, It's sad that you think you should belittle yourself to wins the woman's affection. I understand that the family admires her and everything, but that don't give her the right to disrespect you like that. Once you got married to your husband you two became as one and an IMPORTANT addition to their family! It is not your job to make sure you are in a comfrotable environment around his family it is his job to do that. I know you wouldn't allow your family to treat him this way. Your mother-in-law doesn't respect you, because her son (your husband) don't respect you. Once you get married you are the most important person in his life. The only person that comes before you is GOD, not his mother. Twenty years is a long time to put up with her stupid behavior. And it also shows you just how important you are to your husband. He's suppose to be your number one supporter. How can this woman really say she loves your kids, and she disrespects you in this way. It's not your job to try to make her like you it's her job to make you welcome into the family. If she couldn't find it in her heart to do that, your husband should put his foot down. If that didn't work, he is suppose to choose his wife. My children couldn't not be spending time around this woman. Children develop their behavior from what they grow up around, and what your mother-in-law is teaching hate! Hate towards their mother, the most important person in their lives. If your can't step up, get out and enjoy the rest of the life you have left. Left is to short to entertain this woman's rude behavior. You are worth more than that!! And you can't see that, how do you expect others too. I hope this helps. I have a "mother-in-law" too! I didn't waste years trying to build the relationship though. Once I saw that she was that type of person, I realized that she didn't deserve to be blessed with my friendship and love. It's her lost not mine. Remember to love yourself first. If others can't appreciate the love you have to give, that's their blessing missed. redscorpionsc Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Inlaws aren't they grand !! NOT... Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 I feel real pain that I cannot connect to this woman I really admire. I just wish there was some return of affection. Even at Christmas there are no gifts betw us. She has said long ago she did not want anything from me more than my children's time. Good grief. The rare times I did get her a gift she hid it away and regifted it or berated me about the cost or impracticality. Any ideas?? So I just stopped trying about 5 years ago and that works a bit. It becomes a crater in my heart. The kids notice it too. My spouse is completely aware. I have asked him to step in but he is dependent. and....cowed. He will not address this in the least. Fearful himself he will lose her respect and ear. How silly. Meanwhile I just am sad. So I could blame the spouse but I really just blame myself. What a s***ty situation. It sounds as if you've tried really hard, for the sake of all your family, to connect and get on with this woman...but she obviously isn't having any of it. It's lovely that you admire this her, despite the way she's treated you, but my advice is that you should STOP admiring her. So she's old enough to have lived through WW2. Whoopity doo. She has far too much power over you, and by holding her in the esteem you do you give her more. My advice would be to mentally lower her rank to slightly below that of you, dish the politely icy treatment back and make the decision not to give a flying f*** what anyone - her, your husband or your kids - thinks of that. Once you stop trying to smooth the waters here, other people might start to feel that perhaps they have some role to play in trying to improve this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedGal Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 OK, I am pasting what I responded to in another post. I have a situation as well, but its with my mom and my husband, not me and my MIL... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speaking of moms again, this weekend I AGAIN has such a bad experience. My folks are originially from India (been in the US like 35 years.) My husband was raised in India also and his folks are there. So my mom and dad started this huge thing about "How people from India are sooo dishonest, and corrupt and the entire place is terrible and the people are terrible." (They think they are "cleansed" now that they have been here so long.) Obviusly, my husband was pissed. I mean, he is FROM there and his family IS there. So anyways, we were at their place, and we left, cause my husband told me he would rather leave than start fighting... So later on on te phone, I had the guts to actually tell my mom that what they said was wicked rude. So my mom ALWAYSSSSSS just blames my Dad!!! She is like "Oh I didnt say anything. He did!" Give me a break! And you cant get MAD at her. You have to explain things to her all sweetly like a 3 year old child, or else she is "insulted." My husbad cant do this cause he says I am an adult, not a kid. So I am always stuck in the middle of this. I hate this stuff. I am really trying to get my husband to move away from the state or I will forever be divided... Link to post Share on other sites
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