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Overprotective Mother


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Where should I begin? Well for 18 years now I have lived with a overbearing/overprotective mother. Now I am a freshman in college and I am living at home. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to my mother for everything she has done for me. But her overprotectiveness is rediculous. The main point I wanted to illustrate is her unwillingness to let me get my drivers license. I know legally that I am 18 and I am able to get it on my own. But I do not have a job and I have been vigorously looking for one. She does not have insurance on her car and you need insurance to get my license. I will be turning 19 next month in december and I am very mad that I am not able to get my license yet. I do have a permit though, but she did not let me drive her car at all while my permit was still valid before it expired. She has a good job and I know she can afford insurance but she chooses not to get it. Which inturn affects me. I have never owned my own car and the cars I have driven was only a rental car we got while the car was in the shop getting fixed at one point. I do not know what to do right now. I am very mad that I am not able to do anything about the situation. It is very embarrasing to get dropped off at college everyday by my mother because I don't have a license nor a car. It is seeming like life won't get any better nor will I gain independence until I graduate from college. Also another factor that bothers me is that she feels like any girl I talk to at school will "ruin my life". I can't even have a girl call my house before she starts over reacting about. I am almost 19 AND she still acts like I am 14. I don't know what to do right now and am contemplating mass depression in the near future. I know my situation seems fixable, but its semi-complicated and it stresses me out alot. Is there any organization or something that can help me? I was thinking about asking my mother's friend if he could add meto his insurance for a few months so that I would be able to get my license. That seemed like a viable option, but it seemed to be illegal at the same time as well.

 

Any Help?

 

:(

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Having an overprotective or overbearing parent can be very difficult. You need to assert your independence. I know you're trying to find one but the first thing you have to do is get a job.

 

Have you spoken with your parents about moving out of the house? Perhaps your college has some options for affordable student housing or maybe some friends are looking for a roommate.

 

If you can't afford to get a car and have insurance then is it possible for you to take public transportation or ride a bicycle until you save up the money to do so?

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Taking public transportation is an option, but It does not come all the way down my house and the walk from the bus stop is like 5 miles. I have tried to talk to her, but it does no use. I guess things will be easier when I find a job. But right now it is seeming to hard to do so.

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It won't be easy, but if you take one step at a time then it will seem more manageable, even if it takes longer than you'd like; try to do everything at once and you'll get nowhere!

 

Of course, you don't have to take my advice. But you seem to be fixated on the idea that learning to drive will solve your problems. I don't blame you BELIEVE ME - I go home during vacations and though my mother is not particularly overbearing, at times I feel as if I'm climbing the walls without my own transport. All the same, the car thing seems more like something you can work towards - however much you can drive, even if you managed to get hold of your own car and insure it and everything, you will not feel free until you've started to deal with the situation you already find yourself in. This could mean trying to move out, like kitten chick suggests, but perhaps you need to begin by talking to your mother again and explaining how she makes you feel.

 

I know this will be more difficult if you are close. But find a good moment when both of you have a little time to talk, sit her down, and calmly explain that you feel ready to take responsibility for your own actions (as far as the girls are concerned), and that while it is kind of her to drive you around places, you feel that it is time you stood on your own two feet and stopped relying on her. Try to avoid words such as 'freedom' and 'independence' - they scare mothers because they make it sound as though as soon as you can you'll be off over the horizon in a cloud of dust, never to return. Be patient and if you persist I'm sure you'll get through - from the way you talk about her it sounds like things between you are otherwise ok.

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If you are being taken care of by your mother, you must live by her rules.

 

You are a grown man. Get a job, find room-mates to make living on your own affordable, then get your own car.

 

In the mean time, a bike is cheap....and alot more attractive than having Mommy drop you off.

 

Yes, we all know how depressing it is to grow up and take charge of your life.

 

Yikes. Any girl worth dating will not be impressed with you having to depend upon Mommy.

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Alright, finally something I know about. I went through exactly what you're going through, as did my brother. It was just as serious, although in different ways. I got my driver's liscense, but couldn't get a car. My brother had his liscense and a car(he was 2.5 years older than me), but was forbidden to drive anywhere but to school. We had to be home at 10:30pm and could only go out on Friday nights. I was not allowed to speak to my best friend, nor could anyone call the house without her flipping out. This went on until I was 17. I don't know if your parents are divorced or not, so you may not have this option. I basically told my dad that I was coming to live with him, and I left my mom's house. After a drawn out battle involving police, I was finally allowed to leave, and did not speak to my mother for over a year.

 

My advice to you is to GET OUT. You are 19 years old (as am I). You are in college. It seems like your choice of schools were greatly influenced by your mother (which is why you're still living at home). I would suggest you look into other schools (preferrably FAR AWAY) that have "better programs" in your field of study, and apply there. It would be hard for your mom to argue with a better education. Look for scholarships so she doesn't have to pay (out of state tuition if that's the case). You need to take away all her excuses. If she's anything like my mom, she makes excuses for EVERYTHING. Every solution you produce, she finds a reason why its wrong. Take away her excuses, and you take away her power. So find a school, get some scholarships (and/or student loans....you do have a bank account don't you?), and get a job. I started working at 14 just to get out of my house and away from my mom for a few hours. When I was 16 and had money, I bought my own car, and my brother drove me to the liscense bureau to get my liscense. If you need help on insurance, there's many cars that are cheap to insure on your own. Also, getting good grades helps A LOT. Your job is your freedom machine. Once you're making your own money, you have taken away your dependence on her to survive. All you need is to get out on your own and start living. You're only 19 once....so don't waste it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Slapshot is right. I have dealt with this too and it will only get worse. I got my drivers license at 23. This is a form of abuse that is not recognzed much. If you deal with it now, you have a shot at a good relationship with her in time. If not it can lead to permanent estrangement. This really sucks for young people who are still leaning on the folks, but you cannot accept help from her if she is the kind of parent Im thinking she is.

 

What really sucks is that letting go of adult kids is hard. Some parents need help and there is little out there for them. No matter what your relationship was with her while you were a kid, once you turn 18 the state will not help you because shes not your spouse and you are not a child. Social service agencies are way behind on this issue.

 

Good luck and If youd like support go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Daughters_of_Controlling_Mothers/

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