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Cheating husband. Do we tell?


Clockwork

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A family member of mine (no, this isn't one of these things where it is really me, it is truly a story from our family) stumbled on a park where he noticed another one of our family members (my cousin's husband) with another woman. He was far enough away, but he took a picture. Anyway, this was not his wife (my cousin). She was sitting on a bench with him, rubbing his back and he was rubbing her leg. That alone is more than enough to know this isn't someone's sibling (and it wasn't). Nor does it appear this woman was a friend either and who does that to their married male friend anyways?

 

 

So basically, what happened is that he caught a glimpse of my relative from a distance. I don't think he knew he had seen him, but he definitely saw my relative. As quick as you can snap your fingers he and this woman got up and walked away and were gone.

 

 

Here is my thought, if this was just an innocent encounter and could be explained he would have gone up and said hello to my other relative. They aren't strangers, they have known each other for over 25 years. To me, that is enough reason to realize he knew very well what he was doing and knows it is not innocent.

 

 

Here is the kicker, his wife is sick. She has an incurable form of cancer that means doctors think she has a couple years to live. They've been married over 25 years, have children who are young adults now. In your situation, what do you do? My mother told me about this and I think we ought to say something. If not to my cousin, at least to her husband who was caught in the act and then give him the chance to tell her. Or...........in the case that my cousin may know about this affair and accepts it, then have HER tell us this is none of our business.

 

 

What would you do?

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Blood is thicker than water, I'd tell unless the sick relative is so close to death that she would pass away before they could get a divorce. In which case, I might let her go in peace.

 

I suppose it's possible that the cheating spouse wasn't doing anything more than what you saw. You really didn't catch them in the act. Some people rube somebody else's back in a public place as a show of support. This could have been the tail end of a conversation where the husband was pouring out his heart over his wife's illness. It's more likely that it was more but there is a possibility that what you saw was all there is.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

If one person is being comforted by the other, they aren't typically both rubbing on each other. Especially legs.

 

I'd go straight to the wife, honestly. Don't give the husband a chance to tell you it was nothing. I'm sure he's already making up an excuse anticipating that happening.

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My moto is, don't get involved in other peoples **** (unless you are getting paid for it). Especially if you aren't 100% familiar with all the facts -- for they can sometimes blow up in your face.

 

a) you dont know who that woman was in the park

b) you dont know what sort of relationship this guy and your cousin have? for all you know, he got permission for an open marriage and she did do and they never bothered to share their internals of their marriage with family because its no ones business other than their own.

c) just way too many variables and unknowns and you are passing your own set of judgement values on a situation you know nothing about. are you even close to these people and see them regularly and know them really well? the only way I would get involved in something like this was if it was a very very very close relative of friend who i know very very well and have no option that to tell them. meaning i know them very well and see them all the time and it would be very disasterous if i knew and said nothing. i would not get involved with a relative who i maybe see once or twice a year.

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Here is the kicker, his wife is sick. She has an incurable form of cancer that means doctors think she has a couple years to live. They've been married over 25 years, have children who are young adults now. In your situation, what do you do? My mother told me about this and I think we ought to say something. If not to my cousin, at least to her husband who was caught in the act and then give him the chance to tell her. Or...........in the case that my cousin may know about this affair and accepts it, then have HER tell us this is none of our business. What would you do?

 

Tell her directly.

 

Do not tell the husband you are doing this or even considering it, because he will label all of you as crazy and go deeper down the rabbit hole.

 

This poor woman deserves to know who she is married to. And yes, even a terminally ill person is more than deserving of the truth.

 

In Sickness and In Health is a vow he took.

 

Tell the truth, hide nothing, and allow this poor woman some dignity to be able to determine the direction of her own life, at least what's left of it.

 

My parents were married for 46 years. My mother had terminal brain cancer and languished in hell for close to 2 years. My father and myself would have found actions like this inconceivable.

 

A stiff dick has no conscience.

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At this point, what good would it do? If the woman is truly dying, why make her last year miserable and full of hate towards her husband. Is it worth it? What good would it do her? Or her husband? Or you, for that matter.

 

Leave it be.

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xenawarriorprincess

 

Here is the kicker, his wife is sick. She has an incurable form of cancer that means doctors think she has a couple years to live. They've been married over 25 years, have children who are young adults now. In your situation, what do you do?

 

 

What would you do?

 

My thoughts on this…….

 

How will your shedding light on her husband’s possible affair help her during her time of grief while dealing with incurable cancer?

 

Why burden her with this horrible news? She is already going through enough. This will not help her or make her feel empowered to take charge of her life….her life is already ending.

 

My opinion, it is more compassionate to leave this alone. If he gets caught on his own or confesses, that’s one thing, but adding more burden to her life at this point will only serve to cause her more grief, and this is something that she should live the rest of her life without.

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If her kids are minors, then she needs to know so that she can set her portion of the estate up properly. Oh wait, sorry, said young adults in the OP message.. I am still on the side of her knowing, but it is partly because I would want to know.

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If without prior knowledge I'd tend to leave it alone or, if choosing to disclose, gather more intelligence and disclose it in verifiable form and without editorializing. If there are pictures and faces are recognizable, image matching software can chew on that and get names and public information to connect the dots and provide more avenues of research. This works basically the same as doxxing people, a common political tactic these days to covertly threaten people. Results vary ;)

 

Again, I'd probably leave it alone but definitely would avoid speculation and conjecture.

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If the wife didn't have cancer I'd tell her, but I think it would be cruel to put all this heartache and stress on her when her days are numbered. I really think she's better off not knowing and is in too weak a state to deal with it. Let her die believing she was loved. Chronic illness takes a toll on people and they may do things they wouldn't otherwise do under the weight of it.

 

I actually have an old friend who is cheating on her chronically ill husband. I am ashamed of her for it, but he has been bedbound for years now and that's a lot for a spouse to live with, though most of my other friends would handle it with more grace, but she's got some mental issues that already make her impulsive and selfish, so...

 

I say let the poor woman die in peace.

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healing light

No. I wouldn't tell. Unless you saw them banging, I still wouldn't tell. It's not your place to say or judge, imo.

 

As someone who is both chronically ill and was raised in an environment with a chronically ill father, you have no idea what kind of stress this person's marriage is under and the tension in that household already. The last several years of my mom's marriage were like mother-son. No intimacy, constant fighting fires with insurance companies and medical crises, financial issues, no support either emotionally with friends or in the community, nor sexually. You just have no idea of their particular situation nor do you know what the wife is okay with her husband doing. Before my dad had strokes that impacted his cognition, he once suggested my mom bring in another man to take care of her needs since he was not able to have sex anymore. She didn't, but she was constantly angry/fit to be tied/one step away from faking her death, etc. and sometimes I think we all would have been better off if she had.

 

Leave this woman and the man alone. She may already know but be okay with it, she may already know but want to focus on her remaining years or possible recovery (and be humiliated you've found out), or she may not know and now you've devastated her and hastened her death. What good could possibly come from this?

 

Just my two cents.

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maybe they were sitting in the park discussing the startling news that according to ancestry.com, they are related? in some way?

 

so why not ask him, "hey, we saw you in the park the other day, was that woman....."

 

this is what i call a "two-fer". he knows you're on to him and no one has to upset his wife.

 

which is the last thing anyone should be doing.

 

good luck

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Or...........in the case that my cousin may know about this affair and accepts it, then have HER tell us this is none of our business.

 

In which case you may humiliate and push her away, not a great scenario given the circumstances.

 

Too many unknowns. Leave it alone...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I am getting both sides of the coin here, and I appreciate it.

 

 

Yes, it is a tough position. Doctors give her 2-3 more years. Of course, they can be wrong and she lives 10. It is not one they can cure, but one they can prolong your life a bit. Who knows, they could be wrong.

 

 

That being said, there is maybe a 5% chance that things could be explained from what was seen. People don't rub each other's legs and then once they see a relative in the distance book it like there is no tomorrow. But I personally would want him to answer those questions first, just so I know.

 

 

Yes we are pretty close to this cousin, lots of history here. And, quite frankly, lots with her husband as well.

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As adamant as some people are about telling how much they know or think they know my wife and I both want to mind our own business. There is drama enough in life without getting in the middle of someones personal business.

 

Because you know someone does that mean your now appointed to inject yourself in the middle of a relationship by being the news reporter?

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I am getting both sides of the coin here, and I appreciate it.

 

 

Yes, it is a tough position. Doctors give her 2-3 more years. Of course, they can be wrong and she lives 10. It is not one they can cure, but one they can prolong your life a bit. Who knows, they could be wrong.

 

 

That being said, there is maybe a 5% chance that things could be explained from what was seen. People don't rub each other's legs and then once they see a relative in the distance book it like there is no tomorrow. But I personally would want him to answer those questions first, just so I know.

 

 

Yes we are pretty close to this cousin, lots of history here. And, quite frankly, lots with her husband as well.

 

 

Don't announce that you saw her husband cheating. Pick a quiet moment & say you saw something that confused you. Explain that you saw him in the park with this other person & they looked quite cozy. You hope it's nothing but in case it's something you felt you would be remiss if you didn't say anything.

 

 

Do you really think a dying woman needs the stress of a divorce on top of everything else? If she's OK with him being with this OW as long as he's with her 'til the end during her hour of need, who are we to judge her?

 

 

No matter what she choses, never bring it up again. If she brings it up, listen more then talk.

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BarbedFenceRider

I think a lot of today's misperceptions on fidelity come from the fact that we in society do not regard it anymore, and we don't communicate as well. I would think if that means anything to you, you will tell. And on the other hand, because of "drama" that can start because of this, you might want to treat it with kids' gloves. I like the poster that said maybe "Oh, I saw your husband at the park the other day..." And then let her do the math. I mean, the poor lady is sick, does she need to lose self respect for herself with a man that has already moved on before she is even in the ground yet? Sheesh.

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And then let her do the math. I mean, the poor lady is sick, does she need to lose self respect for herself with a man that has already moved on before she is even in the ground yet? Sheesh.

 

I try and be careful judging those in difficult circumstances, especially those I haven't experienced. In this case, that consideration is extended to both spouses...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Don't announce that you saw her husband cheating. Pick a quiet moment & say you saw something that confused you. Explain that you saw him in the park with this other person & they looked quite cozy. You hope it's nothing but in case it's something you felt you would be remiss if you didn't say anything.

 

 

Do you really think a dying woman needs the stress of a divorce on top of everything else? If she's OK with him being with this OW as long as he's with her 'til the end during her hour of need, who are we to judge her?

 

 

No matter what she choses, never bring it up again. If she brings it up, listen more then talk.

 

 

 

The main concern here is that she knows and that we aren't lying and holding secrets back from her. What she does with that information is up to her. Or............if it is none of our business it is best that she tells us it isn't rather than her husband (who would obviously choose that angle). The bizarre thing is that none of these characteristics that we witnessed over the years describe her husband. He is not the cheating type, not even in hindsight. It doesn't mean he isn't, it just means that it is so unbelievable to us.

 

I think a lot of today's misperceptions on fidelity come from the fact that we in society do not regard it anymore, and we don't communicate as well. I would think if that means anything to you, you will tell. And on the other hand, because of "drama" that can start because of this, you might want to treat it with kids' gloves. I like the poster that said maybe "Oh, I saw your husband at the park the other day..." And then let her do the math. I mean, the poor lady is sick, does she need to lose self respect for herself with a man that has already moved on before she is even in the ground yet? Sheesh.

 

 

 

Right. For me, I am a pretty honest person, I tell it like it is. I want to know the truth and believe everyone has should have that right. I couldn't be around a family member for 25 years and withhold a dark secret from them. I don't know how people can do that. I guess that explains alcoholics to an extent, or drug users as there are so many things in life we never talk about or deal with.

 

 

Her parents have both passed but she does have siblings (who are also cousins of mine). One thing I am entertaining is that maybe her brother should be told and then it is on his plate and he can do what he wants with it. No one wants to tell her let's just say and how many brothers would actually keep that from their sister?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I don't think a whisper-down-the-lane solutions is a good one.

 

I know a lot of people who have cheated who you thought never would. Cheaters definitely do not come in one-size-fits-all!

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Don't get involved in telling others. That will be more humiliating for her. Just talk to her.

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Don't get involved in telling others. That will be more humiliating for her. Just talk to her.

 

 

 

The reason I said that is that her father cheating terribly on her mother, yet they stayed together until the end. It was not a happy life for her mom, and she saw this the whole way. So did her brother. Why I suggested bringing it up to her brother is what if he would feel as if she couldn't take this sort of news?

 

 

Look, none of these solutions are good. My mom doesn't want me to mention it though. I disagree, which is why I am on here. I am totally on the side of (gently) telling her about what was seen. The longer it goes the worse it will look for us for not telling sooner and keeping it from her. I hate the whole idea when people say YOU are the one that caused her stress if you tell her. All I can say is "hold up". If a husband is in a very public place with a woman who isn't his wife then how does that not involve you? How can the messenger be the culprit here? I've never understood that, it is a total cop out from the cheater.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
How can the messenger be the culprit here? I've never understood that, it is a total cop out from the cheater.

 

I totally agree. At the very least, this woman needs to know if her compromised immune system is being exposed to possible STDs.

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heartbrokenlady

Nursing someone with a terminal illness is hard. If he is doing everything he needs to for his family, leave it alone.

 

His wife doesn’t need to know if in every other way he is a loving husband.

 

Not all cases are black and white. Be compassionate.

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