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Cheating husband. Do we tell?


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 16th January 2018, 10:37 AM   #16
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As adamant as some people are about telling how much they know or think they know my wife and I both want to mind our own business. There is drama enough in life without getting in the middle of someones personal business.

Because you know someone does that mean your now appointed to inject yourself in the middle of a relationship by being the news reporter?
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Old 16th January 2018, 10:47 AM   #17
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I am getting both sides of the coin here, and I appreciate it.


Yes, it is a tough position. Doctors give her 2-3 more years. Of course, they can be wrong and she lives 10. It is not one they can cure, but one they can prolong your life a bit. Who knows, they could be wrong.


That being said, there is maybe a 5% chance that things could be explained from what was seen. People don't rub each other's legs and then once they see a relative in the distance book it like there is no tomorrow. But I personally would want him to answer those questions first, just so I know.


Yes we are pretty close to this cousin, lots of history here. And, quite frankly, lots with her husband as well.

Don't announce that you saw her husband cheating. Pick a quiet moment & say you saw something that confused you. Explain that you saw him in the park with this other person & they looked quite cozy. You hope it's nothing but in case it's something you felt you would be remiss if you didn't say anything.


Do you really think a dying woman needs the stress of a divorce on top of everything else? If she's OK with him being with this OW as long as he's with her 'til the end during her hour of need, who are we to judge her?


No matter what she choses, never bring it up again. If she brings it up, listen more then talk.
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Old 16th January 2018, 10:51 AM   #18
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I think a lot of today's misperceptions on fidelity come from the fact that we in society do not regard it anymore, and we don't communicate as well. I would think if that means anything to you, you will tell. And on the other hand, because of "drama" that can start because of this, you might want to treat it with kids' gloves. I like the poster that said maybe "Oh, I saw your husband at the park the other day..." And then let her do the math. I mean, the poor lady is sick, does she need to lose self respect for herself with a man that has already moved on before she is even in the ground yet? Sheesh.
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Old 16th January 2018, 11:19 AM   #19
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And then let her do the math. I mean, the poor lady is sick, does she need to lose self respect for herself with a man that has already moved on before she is even in the ground yet? Sheesh.
I try and be careful judging those in difficult circumstances, especially those I haven't experienced. In this case, that consideration is extended to both spouses...

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Old 16th January 2018, 5:45 PM   #20
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Don't announce that you saw her husband cheating. Pick a quiet moment & say you saw something that confused you. Explain that you saw him in the park with this other person & they looked quite cozy. You hope it's nothing but in case it's something you felt you would be remiss if you didn't say anything.


Do you really think a dying woman needs the stress of a divorce on top of everything else? If she's OK with him being with this OW as long as he's with her 'til the end during her hour of need, who are we to judge her?


No matter what she choses, never bring it up again. If she brings it up, listen more then talk.


The main concern here is that she knows and that we aren't lying and holding secrets back from her. What she does with that information is up to her. Or............if it is none of our business it is best that she tells us it isn't rather than her husband (who would obviously choose that angle). The bizarre thing is that none of these characteristics that we witnessed over the years describe her husband. He is not the cheating type, not even in hindsight. It doesn't mean he isn't, it just means that it is so unbelievable to us.

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I think a lot of today's misperceptions on fidelity come from the fact that we in society do not regard it anymore, and we don't communicate as well. I would think if that means anything to you, you will tell. And on the other hand, because of "drama" that can start because of this, you might want to treat it with kids' gloves. I like the poster that said maybe "Oh, I saw your husband at the park the other day..." And then let her do the math. I mean, the poor lady is sick, does she need to lose self respect for herself with a man that has already moved on before she is even in the ground yet? Sheesh.


Right. For me, I am a pretty honest person, I tell it like it is. I want to know the truth and believe everyone has should have that right. I couldn't be around a family member for 25 years and withhold a dark secret from them. I don't know how people can do that. I guess that explains alcoholics to an extent, or drug users as there are so many things in life we never talk about or deal with.


Her parents have both passed but she does have siblings (who are also cousins of mine). One thing I am entertaining is that maybe her brother should be told and then it is on his plate and he can do what he wants with it. No one wants to tell her let's just say and how many brothers would actually keep that from their sister?
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Old 16th January 2018, 5:48 PM   #21
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I don't think a whisper-down-the-lane solutions is a good one.

I know a lot of people who have cheated who you thought never would. Cheaters definitely do not come in one-size-fits-all!
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Old 16th January 2018, 5:53 PM   #22
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Don't get involved in telling others. That will be more humiliating for her. Just talk to her.
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Old 16th January 2018, 6:04 PM   #23
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Don't get involved in telling others. That will be more humiliating for her. Just talk to her.


The reason I said that is that her father cheating terribly on her mother, yet they stayed together until the end. It was not a happy life for her mom, and she saw this the whole way. So did her brother. Why I suggested bringing it up to her brother is what if he would feel as if she couldn't take this sort of news?


Look, none of these solutions are good. My mom doesn't want me to mention it though. I disagree, which is why I am on here. I am totally on the side of (gently) telling her about what was seen. The longer it goes the worse it will look for us for not telling sooner and keeping it from her. I hate the whole idea when people say YOU are the one that caused her stress if you tell her. All I can say is "hold up". If a husband is in a very public place with a woman who isn't his wife then how does that not involve you? How can the messenger be the culprit here? I've never understood that, it is a total cop out from the cheater.
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Old 17th January 2018, 9:25 AM   #24
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How can the messenger be the culprit here? I've never understood that, it is a total cop out from the cheater.
I totally agree. At the very least, this woman needs to know if her compromised immune system is being exposed to possible STDs.
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Old 17th January 2018, 9:52 AM   #25
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Nursing someone with a terminal illness is hard. If he is doing everything he needs to for his family, leave it alone.

His wife doesnít need to know if in every other way he is a loving husband.

Not all cases are black and white. Be compassionate.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:03 AM   #26
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Nursing someone with a terminal illness is hard. If he is doing everything he needs to for his family, leave it alone.

His wife doesnít need to know if in every other way he is a loving husband.

Not all cases are black and white. Be compassionate.
So because she's dying anyway, she doesn't deserve a faithful partner? I'd argue she deserves it even more!
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Old 17th January 2018, 11:49 AM   #27
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Very tricky situation, indeed

If I may, let me give you my professional advice here. If the wife had not been terminally ill I would have said without a doubt, go ahead and tell HER. but considering the tricky situation at hand I would say tell HIM.

Let him know that he's been found out, and I promise you that it will make him very nervous and from that moment he will be afraid that someone will tell his wife. Because of this, he may want to tell her himself or just stop his "affair" altogether, for the moment at least.
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Old 19th January 2018, 10:27 PM   #28
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If I may, let me give you my professional advice here. If the wife had not been terminally ill I would have said without a doubt, go ahead and tell HER. but considering the tricky situation at hand I would say tell HIM.

Let him know that he's been found out, and I promise you that it will make him very nervous and from that moment he will be afraid that someone will tell his wife. Because of this, he may want to tell her himself or just stop his "affair" altogether, for the moment at least.


My mother was hoping he may have gotten scared away to begin with because he probably thinks he MAY have gotten seen. I think it means he will just be less bold and more careful.

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I totally agree. At the very least, this woman needs to know if her compromised immune system is being exposed to possible STDs.


Of all the things I have thought about, I can honestly say I haven't even thought about this. Good call, and may I say, a very important point to bring up.
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Old 19th January 2018, 10:30 PM   #29
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I'll update you all on this. My mother is very adamant that I don't say this to anyone (them). Or even that I bring it up to her brother (also my cousin). Her idea is that once she gets passed this tough run of chemo that she might tell her then. My advice is that it is NEVER a good time to tell someone they have been cheated on and how is it better to tell her when she might make a bit of a recovery? Is that when you spring the news on?


My take is that you can always find an excuse not to tell them. So let's say I disagree with my mom here even though I understand what she is saying. Needless to say, since I am required to keep my promise and my mom won't say anything, it seems as if no one is going to confront anyone after all.
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Old 20th January 2018, 3:57 AM   #30
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Needless to say, since I am required to keep my promise and my mom won't say anything, it seems as if no one is going to confront anyone after all.
What the hell age are you, 12?

"Required"?

What? REQUIRED?

I can totally understand the position of not telling...but please don't use that as THE reason. I'm sure you are more than capable of arriving at the same conclusion without such a seemingly underwhelming reason.

I would urge you to reconsider, but I am not you.

Best of Luck
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