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relatives that never cared


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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:19 AM   #1
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relatives that never cared

I am not sure if i am the only one that has this issue,

ever since i was in third grade, i had 4-5 of my relatives treat me like garbage.

We would have family house parties and these older relatives of mine by 3 years, would vanish off with each other to go hangout and go watch a movie or do something together.

They would never invite me, in fact they would ditch me. When i confront them about it the answer i received was your too young to hang out with us.
When my mom would buy me like a new video game console, all of a sudden they want to hang out with me all night.......basically i am a tool that they would use.

Now that i am in my 30s my older relatives has not changed one bit, they don't call ever, they don't invite me to anything not even their weddings,
when i came back to visit in california, they saw how successful i was and they only call to invite me because they can see getting something out of me.
when they don't see if they can get anything out of me they just ignore me and continue on with their lives.


basically i feel like i have a horrible family. I never understood what i did to deserve this type of treatment. Can anyone relate to people like this?
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:30 AM   #2
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solutions,
Have you heard the old saying "you can pick your friends but not your family"?

OK, so they are your family and you can't change that, but you don't have to spend time with them if you don't want to.

You can't change their attitude, so stop trying.

Why are you still looking for validation from them? They have shown who they are so believe it.

Their behaviour says a lot about them and nothing about you. It wasn't/isn't fair but you can't alter that.

I can sympthize with you to a degree as I spent the first 30/35 years of my life trying to get my mother's approval. By that time I realised that I wasn't going to get it, so I got into some therapy and basically told her to get lost. I felt much better for it.

You can't make any individual into the type of person you want them to be, so stop hoping they'll change because they won't.

I would suggest you do some work on yourself and develop supportive friendships.

And remember that people only treat you as badly as you let them. Learn to walk away.
Good luck

Last edited by Arieswoman; 2nd January 2018 at 4:32 AM..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 6:36 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by solutions View Post
I am not sure if i am the only one that has this issue,

ever since i was in third grade, i had 4-5 of my relatives treat me like garbage.

We would have family house parties and these older relatives of mine by 3 years, would vanish off with each other to go hangout and go watch a movie or do something together.

They would never invite me, in fact they would ditch me. When i confront them about it the answer i received was your too young to hang out with us.
When my mom would buy me like a new video game console, all of a sudden they want to hang out with me all night.......basically i am a tool that they would use.

Now that i am in my 30s my older relatives has not changed one bit, they don't call ever, they don't invite me to anything not even their weddings,
when i came back to visit in california, they saw how successful i was and they only call to invite me because they can see getting something out of me.
when they don't see if they can get anything out of me they just ignore me and continue on with their lives.


basically i feel like i have a horrible family. I never understood what i did to deserve this type of treatment. Can anyone relate to people like this?
Yes definitely
My family had plenty of relatives esp on my father's side as he had 11 siblings, and my mother had two siblings- with all those aunts and uncles I never got so much as a birthday card from any of them or even on graduating high school when friends shared how they got cards and some even received gifts or money for graduation from relatives I didn't get one damm card. My mothers side of the family is weird, they are just conceited I guess is the word and at my moms sisters house, my aunt and uncle on holidays like Christmas there would be a few of our cousins there if me and my two siblings and the cousins would even though they were about same age as me and my sister act very aloof snobby and barely mutter hello. Basically a crappy group of people- they weren't all bad, my grandma was really loving welcoming the small amount of time we were able to visit her across country but at least I always was made to feel very loved and welcomed by her.
My dad's many siblings were believe it or not just very self absorbed and never really made any effort to demonstrate to me, their niece as well as my two siblings any sort of basic interest in us when we would visit them. One of my aunts her husband my uncle was pretty nice and showed at least some interest and caring. The rest for how many here were of them always even to this day amazes me that none of his 11 siblings all those aunts and uncles of mine ever once I can recall made a effort to be really loving and welcoming to us when we'd visit. They would say hi maybe ask how was your flight and then sit down and talk endlessly with my dad ignoring us except for an occasional question if we were hungry or wanted to go play in the yard.
I never understood why we were having to actually travel to spend time w these people who clearly didn't give a damm about us kids- they loved talking and doing things w my dad but never occurred to them to show a little interest in their nieces and nephew
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:55 AM   #4
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Yes I can relate. My parents and brother are very much in their own worlds. I only hear from my brother if he needs something. I've recently come to terms with the realities of my family and will focus on making my world the best it can be and not be upset by them.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 2:34 AM   #5
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It all sounds pretty normal to me. I was friends with two of my cousins who were pretty much the same age as me. But leave it couple of years either side and there wasn't much in the way of friendship.

Certainly not birthday cards or HS graduation cards. Mind you, graduation cards and gifts aren't a thing where I live. And the family got too big to invite all the cousins to weddings. Except for the closest two cousins, we've all gone our different ways and only connect via FB or at funerals these days. Even with my two closest cousins, we've had large gaps over the years. It's all the same for my husband's family.

I've seen the same thing with my daughter and her cousins. There's just nothing in common at certain stages of life if you're three years or more apart. While they certainly don't dislike each other, they really aren't that close.

You mentioned about them not being able to get something from you now that you're successful. What did they want from you? When you saw them, were you kind and friendly...or holding onto old resentments?
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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:40 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
It all sounds pretty normal to me. I was friends with two of my cousins who were pretty much the same age as me. But leave it couple of years either side and there wasn't much in the way of friendship.

Certainly not birthday cards or HS graduation cards. Mind you, graduation cards and gifts aren't a thing where I live. And the family got too big to invite all the cousins to weddings. Except for the closest two cousins, we've all gone our different ways and only connect via FB or at funerals these days. Even with my two closest cousins, we've had large gaps over the years. It's all the same for my husband's family.

I've seen the same thing with my daughter and her cousins. There's just nothing in common at certain stages of life if you're three years or more apart. While they certainly don't dislike each other, they really aren't that close.

You mentioned about them not being able to get something from you now that you're successful. What did they want from you? When you saw them, were you kind and friendly...or holding onto old resentments?
I was not really holding onto old resentments towards them. my older relatives saw me wearing a two piece suit clean and tailored when we went to eat for the first time in like 8 years. I literally met with them and I just sat their and did not say a single word. Just listened to them and just ordered food and kept my mouth shut the entire time.

Its good to hear that the type of behaviors that is occurring are common among many in society.

the reason why i seek for validation or a means to understand life. I just cant wrap my head around illogical behavior sometimes. I try to find a reason for ignorance. its just interesting how cold blooded some people can be. My mother took her own life when i was 19 years old and you would think that might change the way they treat me or even talk to me. It didn't change anything. They still were the same people I knew since i was a kid.

Last edited by solutions; 3rd January 2018 at 3:53 AM..
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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:42 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
It all sounds pretty normal to me. I was friends with two of my cousins who were pretty much the same age as me. But leave it couple of years either side and there wasn't much in the way of friendship.

Certainly not birthday cards or HS graduation cards. Mind you, graduation cards and gifts aren't a thing where I live. And the family got too big to invite all the cousins to weddings. Except for the closest two cousins, we've all gone our different ways and only connect via FB or at funerals these days. Even with my two closest cousins, we've had large gaps over the years. It's all the same for my husband's family.

I've seen the same thing with my daughter and her cousins. There's just nothing in common at certain stages of life if you're three years or more apart. While they certainly don't dislike each other, they really aren't that close.

You mentioned about them not being able to get something from you now that you're successful. What did they want from you? When you saw them, were you kind and friendly...or holding onto old resentments?

3 years is nothing -- the only time it would make a but of difference is when your little kids- there's no difference between for example a 34 and 37 yr old or a 48 and 51 yr old or even a 23 and 26 yr old . So I'm assuming you were just referring to when the OP was a kid like if she was 8 and they were 11 but other than that as adults not getting any kind of generation gap w a couple or few years...
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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:45 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by solutions View Post
I was not really holding onto old resentments towards them. my older relatives saw me wearing a two piece suit clean and tailored when we went to eat for the first time in like 8 years. I literally met with them and I just sat their and did not say a single word. Just listened to them and just ordered food and kept my mouth shut the entire time.

Its good to hear that the type of behaviors that is occurring are common among many in society.

the reason why i seek for validation or a means to understand life. I just cant wrap my head around illogical behavior sometimes. I try to find a reason for ignorance. its just interesting how cold blooded some people can be. My mother took her own life when i was 19 years old and you would think that might change the way they treat me or even talk to me. It didn't change anything. They still were the same people I knew since i was a kid.
I just saw this--- I'm very sorry to hear your mother committed suicide when you were 19. That has to be the most devastating and isolating feeling, I can't imagine that and hope you are finding the help as you go along whatever that helps you
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