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Feel forced to choose between family and boyfriend! And uninvited to Christmas!


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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  • 1 Post By Olympia
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Old 8th December 2017, 6:31 PM   #1
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Feel forced to choose between family and boyfriend! And uninvited to Christmas!

I came to this forum back in September to seek advice on a new relationship and a guy who I had recently been dating.

The really big catch was, this guy was homeless. I'm not going to go into all the ins and outs of why he's life was in the place it was, unless you want me too because i've said it all before. The fact is, he is a good guy, who has been dealt hard cards, had a heart life, but has remained positive and optimistic, and humble & kind!

I can understand the extreme initial reaction people had when they found out. On paper maybe it sounded mad. I'm from a wealthy family, private school, uni, I've got my career underway, I've got my own flat. Both my exs were junior doctors (which is one of about 5 careers deemed 'acceptable' by my mother for a partner for me or my sister)! But it happened like anything happens, not on paper, i met him by chance, he stopped me being mugged (or maybe even worse). We spent the night together, maybe that was a rash decision, maybe that wasnít my finest hour, but it was one night! It never occurred to me that I would need so desperately to see him again, but I did. It never occurred to me that we would get on so amazingly, or that I would feel happier that I have ever felt, but we did and I do. It never occurred to me that I would fall into a kind of love that Iíd never felt, but I have! I love him!

Anyway, I donít want the rewrite everything I said in my last thread but the gist is that when my parents found out, prematurely, they were dramatically less than impressed. They were angry!

As a result our relationship has been cagey ever since! Basically they are barely talking to me, especially my mum! I have still been speaking to my sister, but we were never close close anyway, and sheís just loving the chance to Ďone upí me I think!

They donít want me to see him. They donít want to meet him. They donít want to hear about him. They refuse to accept heís part of my life.
I saw them last month for my dads birthday and of was.. laboured, but they were fine-ish, so long as we all acted like nothing had ever happens and he didnít exist!

Itís just pathetic! They pretend itís because they care about me but if they cared they would want to know whatís happening in my life, if they cared they would have cared that my last boyfriends were k**bheads (for want of a better word) who treated me badly, but no, that was okay because they were going to be doctors!
They care about money, they care about reputation, and status, and maybe Iím somewhere in there too, but I feel like Iím pretty far down that list!

My sister, her fiancť and I always stay at my parents on Christmas Eve so we can spend the morning and then the day together.
Obviously I want to see my boyfriend on Christmas but I wouldnít be so stupid as to think we could play happy familyís, so I said to them that Iíll stay there on the 24th as normal, stay for the whole morning and have dinner but then leave after to go home. Which is obviously so I can then see Luke!
And they flipped out!
Basically told me that if Iím going to do that then I might as well not bother coming!!! Wtf!!?

I was just really hurt. I love my parents, of course! But they are behaving in a way that makes it really really hard to like them.
I feel like basically forced to choose between them and him, and one of those options makes me happy & to feel good about myself and the other makes me feel like *****!!

Itís horrible!
I even got mad at him, poor lad, because he suggested if it was upsetting me we could just see each other the next Day instead, I was like all super emotional ďright, so you donít want to see me Christmas either then!!!!Ē even my emotional worse doesnít seem to put him off though, heís always so lovely & supportive!
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Old 8th December 2017, 6:47 PM   #2
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Gee that is awful. It amazes me that ugliness that people can spew on what should be all about peace on earth. Perhaps calmly remind your family of the true meaning of Christmas & tell them you are coming anyway. Just go & then leave when you want. I doubt they'll slam the door in your face or bar you from leaving.
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Old 8th December 2017, 6:53 PM   #3
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I suspect all will work out just fine and it will all end perfectly like a Hallmark movie, all wrapped up in a bow. After all, his name is Luke! (Luke chapter 2 in the Bible is the Christmas story....my dad always read it aloud to us on Christmas morning before we could open gifts.)
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Old 9th December 2017, 4:27 AM   #4
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I remember your thread and am happy to see that you embraced your feelings for this guy despite your upbringing. Is he now living with you?

Sorry about the situation with your parents. I don't really have anything too helpful to say. I think your idea of spending Christmas eve with one and Christmas with the other was a good one. Maybe you can reverse the order and see him on Christmas eve and them on Christmas if they're throwing a fit. Or perhaps you can spend the night on Christmas eve and then leave mid-day Christmas and have the night with your love? I'm assuming that offering that you're happy to stay both days if he comes along isn't an option? Your parents probably wouldn't be too civil with that, huh?

What do you want? Do you want to spend the holidays with your family? Do you otherwise like them and enjoy their company?
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Old 9th December 2017, 11:06 AM   #5
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New relationship from September? This guy should not even be in the equation after so little time. Worry about next year Xmas if this guy is still around. If my daughter cut me off on holidays to spend time with his 2 month boyfriend I'd flip too.
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Old 9th December 2017, 4:00 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Gee that is awful. It amazes me that ugliness that people can spew on what should be all about peace on earth. Perhaps calmly remind your family of the true meaning of Christmas & tell them you are coming anyway. Just go & then leave when you want. I doubt they'll slam the door in your face or bar you from leaving.
Ah I know! ..I've always known my family was, maybe, a little.. stuck up, but i've always believed that they were good people, and now I'm just, not so sure, the way they are behaving is just.. cold!
Ah the Christmas thing i just dont know what to do about know.. they were barley barley talking to me before and know im not sure that they are talking to me at all! My dads birthday was awkward and i feel like now its going to be even worse!
Im dreading the thought of seeing them, i know its going to be awful! Part of me thinks like, i'll just rent a cabin somewhere and get away from the world for the whole thing, but then i also know that if i dont see them thats going to make the whole situation even worse.. but i feel like they are all trying to bully me into doing what they want me to do!

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I remember your thread and am happy to see that you embraced your feelings for this guy despite your upbringing. Is he now living with you?
He isnt living with me... but he is staying with me a lot! It just wound up that way, the evenings are when we tend to have free to hang out and I want to see him, and I really struggle with the thought of him leaving mine for a tent, way more than he does!
He did use my address to apply for a couple of jobs though, which is great because he got a singing gig 3 times a week at a hotel, and more recently he got a job at the local go kart track, maintaining and fixing go karts, which he just loves, anything to get behind the wheel again!

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Maybe you can reverse the order and see him on Christmas eve and them on Christmas if they're throwing a fit.
Yeah, and I know that he'd be cool with whatever, to his mind Christmas hasnt been special to him since he was 14 when his mum died. But I just wanted to see him, and maybe to make it just a little bit special! I dont know, i knew they wouldn't be gloriously happy, but i just don't get why it has to be like this. It's frustrating and upsetting!
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Or perhaps you can spend the night on Christmas eve and then leave mid-day Christmas and have the night with your love?
This was my plan, stay with them for dinner and then leave at like 3ish.
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I'm assuming that offering that you're happy to stay both days if he comes along isn't an option? Your parents probably wouldn't be too civil with that, huh?
Exactly!! And i would! But they wont even acknowledge his existence, unless they are having a rant at me!!
It's just rude to treat any human being like that! I think so anyway!

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What do you want? Do you want to spend the holidays with your family? Do you otherwise like them and enjoy their company?
Pfffttttt, I dont even know.. i was happy enough to spend christmas eve with them and all of christmas morning and then go see him in the afternoon/evening, but i don't know.
I love them, of course I love them! But i feel like im only 'in' when im doing what they want me to do, and because im not its all so difficult and awkward! I'm going to be damned if i di and damned if i dont at this point!
Part of me wants to rent some christmas cabin and get away from anything but i know that long term that'll make the situation worse, and i dont want to fall out with my family if i can help it!
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Old 9th December 2017, 4:05 PM   #7
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New relationship from September? This guy should not even be in the equation after so little time. Worry about next year Xmas if this guy is still around. If my daughter cut me off on holidays to spend time with his 2 month boyfriend I'd flip too.
I'm not 'cutting them off', I was going to be there all Christmas eve and all of Christmas till like 3! Im not abandoning them!
They dont care about that anyway, i know for a fact if he was a doctor or a lawyer then they wouldnt be bothered one bit about me leaving then to see him! In fact, more than that, they would be rolling out the red carpet for him!

Maybe its a little faster than normal, but then i think under the circumstances that maybe was always going to be the case. It's not like he's going to be spending christmas with his family, he doesnt have any, he'll be by himself, and I love the man, i dont want that, i want to see him!
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Old 9th December 2017, 5:12 PM   #8
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You're not being forced to choose between family and boyfriend, you're facing the choice between living your life to please your parents or for yourself.
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Old 10th December 2017, 4:24 PM   #9
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Olympia! I remember your last thread! I am pleased you guys have given it a go, I liked this guy (and you) from reading your last thread!

The way I see it, as both someones son and someones dad, is they have every right to be concerned! Of course they do, even you were concerned by his situation initially

BUT, i dont believe that being concerned excuses the way they are behaving towards you now! You've not done anything wrong!

Normally i would strongly encourage not making it an either or scenario and keeping your relationship with both parties strong, but separate, for the moment at least. But the fact that your relationship with your parents is suffering and deteriorating because they seem unable to keep their relationship with you vs their opinion on your relationship as two separate things obviously makes that approach much harder/

I'm assuming that there's no way they would be willing to address the elephant in all your lives and actually meet him?
Have any of your family met him? Or even your friends?
Maybe if more people start to accept and act like this guy is a part of your life, you parents will start to accept it too?
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Old 11th December 2017, 8:00 AM   #10
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Honestly, if my sister told me she was dating a homeless guy, I would be very worried about her. So, I think your family is likely coming from a place of concern -- they are likely worried you will be hurt, scammed, conned, or whatever else might happen. I really don't think it's necessarily stuck up to want your child or sibling to be with a person who has a place to live.

It's only been a few months, which is still very early, even in a normal relationship. And he's already spending most nights at your place and using your address. Even if he wasn't homeless, that speed might raise some red flags. Have any of your friends met him? What do they think?

Does he have any plan to get into a home? Does he have any plan to get a full time job? Your parents may warm up over time if they see that he has made some progress.
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Old 11th December 2017, 6:37 PM   #11
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You're not being forced to choose between family and boyfriend, you're facing the choice between living your life to please your parents or for yourself.
Yeah, I mean i do live my life for myself, i wouldn't be with him if i didn't, i knew full well that it wouldnt please them, i just dont understand why we all have to fall out over it!

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Olympia! I remember your last thread! I am pleased you guys have given it a go, I liked this guy (and you) from reading your last thread!
Thank you Shepp!

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I'm assuming that there's no way they would be willing to address the elephant in all your lives and actually meet him?
Have any of your family met him? Or even your friends?
Maybe if more people start to accept and act like this guy is a part of your life, you parents will start to accept it too?
No, I struggle to envisage a time when they will meet him.. theyíll happily rant to high heaven about him but they wonít do much as hear his name! I canít imagine getting them to be in a room with him!

My best friend (since I was about 7) met him just by accident one morning when she came over mine, it was brief but she liked him. She was so excited the next day I saw her until I made the mistake of telling her he was homeless (thinking I could confide in her) she told my sister and set the whole thing in motion!

Since then Iíve been much much more weary so some of my friends have met him but I havenít told them about his current financial situation, just that Ďheís new to the areaí!
Weíve spent quite a bit of time as a couple with one of my very good friends and her husband which is so nice, I always love spending time with her and my goddaughter but sometimes I feel a bit of a third wheel but my guy and her husband get on SO well that weíve actually been seeing them more! It all just feels really natural!
She keeps teasing me about how good he is with babies which is ludicrous and no where near on the cards but, being surrounded by so much negativity around my relationship, their support actually means a lot to me!
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Old 11th December 2017, 6:54 PM   #12
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I really don't think it's necessarily stuck up to want your child or sibling to be with a person who has a place to live.
Of course! I understand that! But the truth is even if he had his own place he still wouldnít be good enough! They put a stop to my sister dating a high school science teacher for not being a good enough career, and I can understand what your daughters to be financially secure but not to the exclusion of everything going else! Iím sure my mum still believes that my biggest mistake was not taking back my ex, who cheated on me - twice! Just because he was going to be a surgeon and one day might be able to buy me a Porsche, like those things are what matter!!
I donít think they are bad people! We just have really different opinions on how to value ones life!

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It's only been a few months, which is still very early, even in a normal relationship. And he's already spending most nights at your place and using your address. Even if he wasn't homeless, that speed might raise some red flags.
We have moved quite fast! That is true! Iím probably being the queen of mixed signals because I think itís too soon to talk about moving in, but I also.. want him to stay every night! I just love waking up in his arms! Iíve never felt like that before!

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Have any of your friends met him? What do they think?
Like I said above Weíve spent quite a bit of time as a couple with one of my very good friends and her husband which is so nice, I always love spending time with her and my goddaughter but sometimes I feel a bit of a third wheel but my guy and her husband get on SO well that weíve actually been seeing them more! It all just feels really natural!
She keeps teasing me about how good he is with babies which is ludicrous and no where near on the cards but, being surrounded by so much negativity around my relationship, their support actually means a lot to me! But they donít know his financial/living situation, all I said was heís new to the area!

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Does he have any plan to get into a home? Does he have any plan to get a full time job? Your parents may warm up over time if they see that he has made some progress.
He doesnít seem to have much plan (at least short term) in regard for housing, although he is saving money!
Work wise... that situation has improved a lot just in the time Iíve known him, heís gone from just busking when w first met to now paid gigs 3 evenings a week, working on the go karts 3-4 days a week, and heís still busking!
Even when itís like Baltic outside and Iím like Ďyouíd be mad to go thatí heíll still go, I think He genuinely enjoys it, and he does okay moneyís wise from it to be honest!
I mean itís not Monday - Friday 9-5 work but nevertheless itís a massive improvement from when I first met him!
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Old 12th December 2017, 4:45 PM   #13
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What's his take on it all? I'm assuming he knows the reaction your family & friends have had?

Is he still on the street? The days that he's not staying with you.
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Old 13th December 2017, 6:56 PM   #14
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What's his take on it all? I'm assuming he knows the reaction your family & friends have had?
Yeah he does know, I'm sure it's probably not what you dream of dealing with in a brand new relationship, but i have told him because I have been upset about the whole thing!
He, he hasnít really made it about him, heís mostly just tried to support me! I think he doesnít understand them not giving him a chance just for my sake not for his, but he doesnít really say anything negative!
Heís actually quite philosophical about life in a very non bookish, practical kind of way, most stuff just seems to be water off a ducks back for him ...a practical philosophical, can that be a thing haha

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Is he still on the street? The days that he's not staying with you.
Yeah, well he has a tent! But itís absolutely freezing outside now, I canít sleep with the thought of him out there it just doesnít seem right! He knows I hate it and he tells me that he can just get a hotel room, but A) Iím not sure he actually would and B) it seems like such a waste of money, particularly if Iím home, not doing anything, and wanting to see him!
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