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Family friend is in a relationship with my parents


Gogeo

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My “aunt” Chrissy has been my aunt my entire life. Ever since I can remember she’s been helping out with my sister and I, and we love her. A few days ago, I walked upstairs and my mom and her both touching my dad. When they saw me, my aunt pulled away my mom tried to cover my dad and he just laughed and said “damn buddy, didn’t know you were here.”

 

Later my mom and dad came to talk to me, and said they’re all together and that they have been for years... since before my sister was born.

 

This really conflicts everything they’ve ever told me about loving your spouse and fidelity. Whenever someone has an affair they’re always the first to be critical about it. I said that and my mom started freaking out saying that I “won’t disrespect their lover after all she’s done for me.” She’s been really short with me since...

 

Chrissy has been texting me that she loves me and blah blah blah. She’s sorry I saw them.

What the heck? I’m confused. Is this normal? What have I done that’s wrong? What should I do?

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Not everyone subscribes to the notion that monogamy is for them. Fidelity means different things to different people, and in a case like this, it sounds like the three of them have been faithful to each other.

 

Normal is a relative term. It's normal for them, but it might take you awhile to get your head around things. Which is fine. What you shouldn't do is judge three consenting adults for how they run their relationship.

 

Sounds like Chrissy is doing all the right things, which are: reaching out to you, apologizing for what you saw and reaffirming that she loves you.

 

You should apologize to all three of them for your reaction, reaffirm to them that you love them and then stay out of their relationship because it's none of your business.

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Not everyone subscribes to the notion that monogamy is for them. Fidelity means different things to different people, and in a case like this, it sounds like the three of them have been faithful to each other.

 

Normal is a relative term. It's normal for them, but it might take you awhile to get your head around things. Which is fine. What you shouldn't do is judge three consenting adults for how they run their relationship.

 

Sounds like Chrissy is doing all the right things, which are: reaching out to you, apologizing for what you saw and reaffirming that she loves you.

 

You should apologize to all three of them for your reaction, reaffirm to them that you love them and then stay out of their relationship because it's none of your business.

 

Well they’re always going on and on about how I should wait for love and honesty and all that crap and not rush anything. How can they say that when they’re sitting around groping their friend? I also don’t understand why my mom is being so short with me. It’s not like I said anything about her. So what if Chrissy has done stuff for me? At what point does that excuse anything? This is so gross!

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My sister wasn’t home because she has an early start, and Chrissy came over. She was cool and everything was fine til my mom came out and kissed her. Then they were all giggling about when my sister is old enough and they don’t have to hide anymore.

 

I don’t know why they do that in front of me. It’s gross. Why can’t they wait?

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They aren't cheating, by any stretch of the imagination, because they aren't hiding anything from each other. They are apparently all in a polyfidelitous relationship - exclusive, committed, and polyamorous.

 

 

It's not uncommon, but not widely accepted (some even treat such relationships with unfounded hate), so most people in such arrangements don't talk about, and probably did not tell you in order to shield you from that behavior.

 

 

Bottom line: do they care about each other and you, and treat each other with kindness and respect? If so, then respect that and don't judge what you don't yet understand.

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They aren't cheating, by any stretch of the imagination, because they aren't hiding anything from each other. They are apparently all in a polyfidelitous relationship - exclusive, committed, and polyamorous.

 

 

It's not uncommon, but not widely accepted (some even treat such relationships with unfounded hate), so most people in such arrangements don't talk about, and probably did not tell you in order to shield you from that behavior.

 

 

Bottom line: do they care about each other and you, and treat each other with kindness and respect? If so, then respect that and don't judge what you don't yet understand.

 

 

 

Well, I mean is my mom a lesbian or something? My dad didn’t ram his tongue down her throat... and why is my mom being so rude to me? She’s barely spoke to me since I saw them. It’s not like she had to walk in on that.

 

I guess I don’t understand why suddenly she’s some full fledged member of my family.

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Well, I mean is my mom a lesbian or something? My dad didn’t ram his tongue down her throat... and why is my mom being so rude to me? She’s barely spoke to me since I saw them. It’s not like she had to walk in on that.

 

I guess I don’t understand why suddenly she’s some full fledged member of my family.

 

 

 

No, your mother is not a lesbian. She might be bisexual (which is pretty common), but without her telling you, or you asking, you probably won't know for sure unless you've seen something that answers the question for you.

 

 

I don't know how old you are, but this is an adult relationship, and as such only they get to decide how they conduct their love life. If you said out loud that it's cheating or gross, then you've probably badly hurt your mother's feelings, as she probably did not expect such a negative attitude from you. I do think your parents might have better prepared you to be open minded about the range of adult relationships (which includes theirs), without bias. But, that may still happen, if you can learn more without jumping to conclusions before you understand.

 

 

Anyway, no doubt this is confusing and upsetting, but it will get better. I think it would be good if you calmly and respectfully ask all of them together to explain it to you. Hopefully then you'll understand and learn to deal with this, even if you don't agree with their choice. But, it IS their choice.

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OP, if you are an adult, then you just need to grow up and accept that your parents have a non-traditional relationship and that relationship does not include you. So stop obsessing about what they are doing, why your mom is kissing Chrissy or anything about the three of them. It's THEIR choice. It's THEIR relationship.

 

So stop saying how gross it is or saying anything else disrespectful. You've hurt all of them with your closed mind and you need to apologize. To all of them.

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OP, if you are an adult, then you just need to grow up and accept that your parents have a non-traditional relationship and that relationship does not include you. So stop obsessing about what they are doing, why your mom is kissing Chrissy or anything about the three of them. It's THEIR choice. It's THEIR relationship.

 

So stop saying how gross it is or saying anything else disrespectful. You've hurt all of them with your closed mind and you need to apologize. To all of them.

 

I just turned 17.

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Yeah this is pretty awkward I’m not sure how I’d handle this too but I know I’d be in shock

 

Gotta day you handled it pretty well

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BarbedFenceRider
I just turned 17.

 

yeah, thats pretty young to be divng into the "non-traditional" world. Especially if they have been ingraining that into you for years...

Your mom is embarrassed, Christy is mortified and your dad is surprised. lol Look, they all love you and it's a shocker. But not one that you need to run from like wild wolves. Maybe start with your dad...I feel he may be able to shed some light on the family dynamic and some history. You probably feel more evenly on par with your pops anyway. As for your mom, give her time to open up and communicate with you. If she doesn't, it would be a big "man-up" moment to talk to her and say you are ready to talk and you have questions. Let her know you love her and are somewhat scared...Who wouldn't be.:laugh: Seriously, probably a lot of us have had moments on walking in on our parents and how shocked and embarrassed we all were.lol You are not alone. Boy, I could tell you some stories growing up...But then, I would need therapy yet again! ROFL!!!

As for Christy, go get a ice cream cone, or coffee.. Let her know how you feel and that she will always be aunt christy. She seems to have a very good bond with you, and that is special.

There are tons of kids that don't even have one parent. Or both parents who threw them away. You are lucky in the fact that you have 3 special people in your life that can help you grow and love. Best of luck.

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I think your reaction is normal and understandable. Your parents taught you one set of values and then shocked you by being completely different people than who you thought they were. If they wanted you to be accepting of this than they should have been teaching you about non-traditional marriages from the get go.

 

It's like that show Sister Wives. Imagine if each of those kids spent their whole life thinking their dad was only married to only their mother and had kids with only their mother and then one day they just suddenly found out that thier dad had a bunch of other wives? Of course they would be shocked and outraged. Especially if their mom and their father had preached monogamy and fidelity their whole lives. It would make their parents look like hypocrites and fakes.

 

I imagine that's how you feel like right now. Like your parents aren't who you thought they were. If they didnt' want you to know then they shouldn't have been careless and got caught. If they did want you to know then they should have told you about it long before you walked in on them. At seventeen this is a very difficult thing to get your head around and your mother should be reaching out to you and helping you deal with this, not being snarky and nursing her own butt hurt feelings.

 

I'm on your side OP. It's not that I'm judging your parents for their lifestyle it's just that I think they have handled this whole situation badly from the start and that they need to show you some empathy and understanding right now.

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I think your reaction is normal and understandable. Your parents taught you one set of values and then shocked you by being completely different people than who you thought they were. If they wanted you to be accepting of this than they should have been teaching you about non-traditional marriages from the get go.

 

It's like that show Sister Wives. Imagine if each of those kids spent their whole life thinking their dad was only married to only their mother and had kids with only their mother and then one day they just suddenly found out that thier dad had a bunch of other wives? Of course they would be shocked and outraged. Especially if their mom and their father had preached monogamy and fidelity their whole lives. It would make their parents look like hypocrites and fakes.

 

I imagine that's how you feel like right now. Like your parents aren't who you thought they were. If they didnt' want you to know then they shouldn't have been careless and got caught. If they did want you to know then they should have told you about it long before you walked in on them. At seventeen this is a very difficult thing to get your head around and your mother should be reaching out to you and helping you deal with this, not being snarky and nursing her own butt hurt feelings.

 

I'm on your side OP. It's not that I'm judging your parents for their lifestyle it's just that I think they have handled this whole situation badly from the start and that they need to show you some empathy and understanding right now.

 

Thanks, yea, I guess that’s how I feel. I’m more upset my mom is so mad at me. She’s been really short with me, and got really mad at me tonight over nothing and she’s not like that at all... it made me cry. I love her and everything I try to say since I said what I did she’s been mad at. Even when I tried to say sorry tonight. My dad said that part of it is because they can’t acknowledge their relationship with her and special occasions and stuff...

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I think your mum is very embarrassed and maybe even ashamed, you've busted her being a hypocrite, and, to a degree, a liar, hence the unpleasant behaviour towards you, she knows they should have been more discreet and probably feels very awkward and uncomfortable now that you know the truth. Possibly she thinks that you walking in constitutes some sort of invasion of privacy, but again, they should have been more discreet. Consenting adults do all sorts of weird sex stuff, and it's only the confines of socially acceptable practices that stop people being more open about it. If I was in your position I would be creeped out by it all, but on the bright side, if "Aunt" Chrissy was your real aunt, it would be whole lot worse. Parents are rarely perfect, they're just people, and if they've aimed to instill the "right" way to behave in relationships in you they've only done that because they want the best life for you. What should you do? Nothing. Doesn't sound like anyone's being forced to do anything they don't want to do, and as long as everyone loves each other, maybe just try and get used to the idea that your parents are open-minded and just go on as before.

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Wow, what a tough spot to be in! But, you're 17 now, becoming an adult and you'll have to deal with lots of tricky situations in your future.

 

I think this was handled very poorly. Your reaction wasn't stellar but you were in shock so I think it is understandable. With some time, you need to stop thinking of this as cheating, or gross, or disgusting or that your Mum is a lesbian. Your parents do not have a conventional relationship and have chosen to hide it for such a long time. They've taught you all about love and fidelity (which is possible between 3 people) so you'd think they are committed and happy together. Imagine how tough that is to hide from the world. It's kind of sad really.

 

You Mum really isn't handling this well. She's embarrassed, possibly ashamed and is acting out. Being short with you is unreasonable and kissing her girlfriend in front of you is out of order. You've just found out about it, you're uncomfortable and she's flaunting it in front of you. You are her child, she should have more consideration than that. But she is only human and no-one is perfect.

 

I would give it a little time to settle down. I would also talk with your Dad, say how much it's upsetting you and then talk to your Mum. No matter if she shuts you down, she needs to understand how it's affecting you. If this isn't handled better going forward, it could seriously harm your familial relationships.

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I left home at 18 to get out of a severely dysfunctional family dynamic.

 

Is that something you could consider? A stretch in the service and then they help pay your college tuition. It's a thought.

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I don't think your parents are hypocrites. They just have different definitions of fidelity that most people. They have an open polyamorous relationship with a woman they care very much about that has been a big part of their family life for years. To them, they are being faithful and have practiced fidelity to each other and their marriage.

 

Why get angry when people have affairs even though they have been romantically intertwined with "Aunt" Chrissy? Because those affairs involved lies and deceit. Those affairs caused all concerned great pain. Those affairs destroyed families in some cases and severely damaged them leaving years of repair work in others. What your parents are doing isn't the same thing at all. In their situation, everything is open, honest, consensual, and probably loving.

 

 

I was once talking to a Christian man and wife. They were swingers, meaning they had an open relationship where they had sex with other people alone and together. I asked how they squared their non-traditional relationship with their faith. The man said "I'm pretty sure God's looking down goin "Well, at least they ain't killin each other."

 

The man has a point. More love in the world is far preferable to more hate.

 

I truly believe it takes a village of people to raise a child. The more people who love a child and take an interest in the child, the better off the child is. Chrissy has loved and cared for you. This is a good thing and a gift. Not everyone has parents who love them, much less extra people.

 

I hope you find peace in your heart and can accept your parents relationship and accept Chrissy as part of the family.

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I also don’t know if I was clear about where they were. They were in our living room, which I have to walk through to get to the kitchen (and really anywhere else). So it would’ve been hard to avoid them.

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I also don’t know if I was clear about where they were. They were in our living room, which I have to walk through to get to the kitchen (and really anywhere else). So it would’ve been hard to avoid them.

 

Is it possible that they wanted to get caught? It's certainly easier for them to be caught than to tell you the truth.

 

Either way, it's a terrible way to learn the truth and a hard thing to come to terms with. It would take me a good long time to accept the changed circumstances. I'm so sorry.

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Is it possible that they wanted to get caught? It's certainly easier for them to be caught than to tell you the truth.

 

Either way, it's a terrible way to learn the truth and a hard thing to come to terms with. It would take me a good long time to accept the changed circumstances. I'm so sorry.

 

No I don’t think they wanted to get caught. I mean, what good would it do? They still can’t tell my little sister.

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I don't think your parents are hypocrites. They just have different definitions of fidelity that most people. They have an open polyamorous relationship with a woman they care very much about that has been a big part of their family life for years. To them, they are being faithful and have practiced fidelity to each other and their marriage.

 

Why get angry when people have affairs even though they have been romantically intertwined with "Aunt" Chrissy? Because those affairs involved lies and deceit. Those affairs caused all concerned great pain. Those affairs destroyed families in some cases and severely damaged them leaving years of repair work in others. What your parents are doing isn't the same thing at all. In their situation, everything is open, honest, consensual, and probably loving.

 

 

I was once talking to a Christian man and wife. They were swingers, meaning they had an open relationship where they had sex with other people alone and together. I asked how they squared their non-traditional relationship with their faith. The man said "I'm pretty sure God's looking down goin "Well, at least they ain't killin each other."

 

The man has a point. More love in the world is far preferable to more hate.

 

I truly believe it takes a village of people to raise a child. The more people who love a child and take an interest in the child, the better off the child is. Chrissy has loved and cared for you. This is a good thing and a gift. Not everyone has parents who love them, much less extra people.

 

I hope you find peace in your heart and can accept your parents relationship and accept Chrissy as part of the family.

 

I just think it’s weird to tell people that you’re “ made for each other “ and add someone else to your relationship. I think... I mean looking back, she’s always gone on vacations with us and family stuff, but she’s had boyfriends too, although I haven’t seen one in years now, so she’s not exclusive.

 

She keeps asking me to go to breakfast with her today, but I don’t want to.

 

I love her and everything, but not this.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I just think it’s weird to tell people that you’re “ made for each other “ and add someone else to your relationship. I think... I mean looking back, she’s always gone on vacations with us and family stuff, but she’s had boyfriends too, although I haven’t seen one in years now, so she’s not exclusive.

 

She keeps asking me to go to breakfast with her today, but I don’t want to.

 

I love her and everything, but not this.

 

I don't think you should do anything you're not comfortable with this. Anyone would be shocked to find this out about their parents and a family friend. If this friend and your parents are trying to act like it's no big deal and you should just roll with it, they aren't practicing good parenting.

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