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Sister wants me to buy expensive gifts for nephew. Am I wrong for saying no?


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 8th November 2017, 8:32 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by GunslingerRoland View Post
That is very weird that she expects you to pay for her kids child care and shoes and stuff.

I mean if it comes to gift suggestions, if they were a little more than you were expecting to spend, then don't take it too personally, she may just think your budget is a little higher than you were planning. But an IPad is not a normal request from one person. At least one who isn't rich.
This is why I asked if she was married, aka is the husband around. Why is she asking you to pay for daycare? If she needs $$ she should ask her parents (your folks) to help her out.
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Old 20th November 2017, 3:22 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
This is why I asked if she was married, aka is the husband around. Why is she asking you to pay for daycare? If she needs $$ she should ask her parents (your folks) to help her out.
She’s not legally married but does live with the father and they’re engaged. Today she asked me to put a 25 dollar payment on a 100 dollar gift... the only issue is that once I pay the down payment I’m responsible for the rest. She’s claiming our mom said she’d pay for the rest but I am still waiting for confirmation from my mom. Not sure what to do. 50 dollars is my max for my nephew’s Christmas present. I don’t want to put the down payment and then get stuck paying the rest. I hate being put in these situations because I’m such a passive person. Also I’m worried that she’s not even going to consider this “down payment” to be my nephew’s Christmas gift and I’ll be guilted into buying him something else
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Old 20th November 2017, 3:46 PM   #18
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Talk to your mom. If $50 is your max would you consider paying for 1/2 of this $100 gift? I'd give the money to mom not the store.
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Old 20th November 2017, 3:55 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Tallgirl91 View Post
She’s not legally married but does live with the father and they’re engaged. Today she asked me to put a 25 dollar payment on a 100 dollar gift... the only issue is that once I pay the down payment I’m responsible for the rest. She’s claiming our mom said she’d pay for the rest but I am still waiting for confirmation from my mom. Not sure what to do. 50 dollars is my max for my nephew’s Christmas present. I don’t want to put the down payment and then get stuck paying the rest. I hate being put in these situations because I’m such a passive person. Also I’m worried that she’s not even going to consider this “down payment” to be my nephew’s Christmas gift and I’ll be guilted into buying him something else


Dude stop acting like a victim !! Say no and stand your ground if not then give in and buy him everything! You have two pages of posts on advice to handle this the right way but you still keep going along with this charade.

1. Call her or text her!
2. Say or text “hey I just revised my budget and I can only afford 50 dollars....
3. Wait for her response
4. Then when she blows up just say hey listen I love your son but you are his mom and he has a dad who I’m sure loves him enough to get him all of that
5. Meery Christmas and I’ll see you soon
6. Update us
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Old 21st November 2017, 10:45 AM   #20
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I recently graduated college and just started my first post grad job a couple of months ago. I'm making 18.50 an hour be fore taxes and this is the first real job I've ever had. I noticed that since I started working, my sister has been asking me to buy my 3 year old nephew expensive gifts. She'll send me links to iPads, expensive shoes, and other things. I have yet to get anything that she asks because for one I am trying to save my money. I'm currently living with my parents and so half of my paycheck automatically goes to savings. My sister keeps pestering me about buying my nephew $60 dollar shoes, which I don't even feel comfortable spending that much on myself let alone a 3 year old who is going to outgrow them in a couple of months! I told her I'd get them for him for Christmas and she was like " no I already have a list of things I want you to get him, besides these are ONLY 60"! And then she sent me a link to an $100 toy.! I was hoping to spend a max of $50 on him for Christmas ( I have to budget to give other people gifts). She has also asked me to give her $200 for his daycare, this was before I even got my first paycheck!!! For reference, she is 36 and I am 23. I love my nephew to death but I'm not a very materialistic person and don't feel like my love should be quantified in how much I spend on him. Am I wrong for feeling this way? How do I nicely tell my sister this.
You are not wrong and it has nothing to do with being materialistic. You sound quite sensible to me. All of these requests by your sister are burdensome and unreasonable. These are things that she should be providing. You should not be pressured into buying items you are not comfortable with and at prices that go beyond your budget. Buy your nephew something he would need and use within the next few months of his life. As you know, at this age, the child will outgrow in a short period of time. I am a huge fan of books. Buy books so that his mother will read to him. Let her get the expensive toys.
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Old 21st November 2017, 5:53 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Tallgirl91 View Post
She’s not legally married but does live with the father and they’re engaged. Today she asked me to put a 25 dollar payment on a 100 dollar gift... the only issue is that once I pay the down payment I’m responsible for the rest. She’s claiming our mom said she’d pay for the rest but I am still waiting for confirmation from my mom. Not sure what to do. 50 dollars is my max for my nephew’s Christmas present. I don’t want to put the down payment and then get stuck paying the rest. I hate being put in these situations because I’m such a passive person. Also I’m worried that she’s not even going to consider this “down payment” to be my nephew’s Christmas gift and I’ll be guilted into buying him something else
She knows you're a passive person.....that's why she's asking (telling?). This stuff goes way back in families. You situation is as common as not. I used to believe that if I told my siblings...."I don't have it".....(which is what they're good at saying).....they'd hate me forever. (Plus....I felt like I *should* and that I was being rude and a bad brother. I think it also made me believe it would make them like me more...think of me in a better light.....but.....that doesn't happen) After a time or two (it doesn't take long) they began to quit asking me for it. Same with any other person. Now it just rolls off my tongue like honey. It's freeing!! But you've got to start doing it at some point.

Save your money. And I agree with the above poster who told you DO NOT EXPLAIN YOUR REASONS....about saving (or any other reason) Explaining things makes it worse. It's amazing how many people....actually *do* understand not being able to afford something....once they're convinced you're telling the truth....

WHICH YOU ARE. You can't afford it. PERIOD. END OF STORY>

Save your granola and merry Christmas.

edit: Sometimes we feel guilty for doing the right thing. (I think that outta be my new sig)
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Last edited by whatnot; 21st November 2017 at 6:05 PM..
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:38 PM   #22
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@Tallgirl91 ~ Don't tell people how much you earn, as some will always expect you to pay for them. I don't know what makes your sister think she can spend your money for you but there is one thing you need to learn here, which is to learn to say "no". Just a flat no, with no explanation behind it. If they are still asking/begging, then say "the answer is still no", then "no, don't ask again". When the tantrums and insults start, "Stop begging" or if they play the self pity card then, "we all have problems".

You have to be firm and don't give in so everyone around you will know that your no means no and they can stop pestering you. I usually have to say no once and they won't ask again. Do try it.
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Old 22nd November 2017, 10:52 PM   #23
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Don't give her any fodder; I wouldn't even tell her you couldn't afford it. You don't need to justify yourself. "No" is a complete sentence. She'll just try to argue with you for any reason that you give. Establish your boundary now or you'll be regretting it later.

I would tell her that you will be giving gifts of your own accord at major holidays and that her persistence makes you feel uncomfortable and disrespected. Call it like it is.
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Old 22nd November 2017, 11:08 PM   #24
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I would say, "No, I can't afford it," as so many other posters have suggested. Then nothing else.

You could also say, "No, I can't do that." No explanation given. Or, "No, I'm not able to."

I would not share any financial information (what you make, what you save, what your goals are, nothing) with your sister since she is so demanding about money. You didn't mention your relationship with you mom, but if she would tell your sister anything about your finances I wouldn't share with her, either.

Buying people things doesn't make them love you more or even like you more.

Now that you've accomplished the goal of graduating from college, why not set a new goal in working on becoming assertive with your sister?
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Old 24th November 2017, 7:46 AM   #25
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No one can dictate us about what we really want. Our sister can suggest but still its our own decision whether to go for it or not. I'm not also in favor of buying expensive gifts. Maybe just tell your sister honestly about it
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Old 24th November 2017, 3:30 PM   #26
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No one can dictate us about what we really want. Our sister can suggest but still its our own decision whether to go for it or not. I'm not also in favor of buying expensive gifts. Maybe just tell your sister honestly about it
You're correct that we can't dictate what people want. However we can dictate what they ask us for. This is done by setting up strong boundaries so that the person stops asking.
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Old 24th November 2017, 3:37 PM   #27
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My sister in law is a bit like this. Her kids (2are adult) get expensive gifts. I don't spend that much on anyone, including myself. I'm not doing it. She has a gift cupboard and a gift only comes out for me or my adult daughter after her family has received gifts. Even tho there are 5 of them, and only 2 of us (myself and daughter). The really stupid thing is, I have to take the reciprocal gifts she gives me even though I don't want, like or use them because to do otherwise would be offensive.

Argh.
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