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reconcilliations?


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

Old 22nd September 2017, 2:16 PM   #1
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reconcilliations?

Had a huge blow out with my female BPD cousin on Christmas 2015. Everybody had been drinking & I'm ashamed to say it got physical. After I repeatedly demanded that she leave me alone, she kept getting right up in my face for about 20 minutes until I pushed her. She grabbed me. I pulled away & ended up falling.


Haven't really spoken to her, her brother or my aunt & uncle since. There were a few FB posts & a couple of texts but very LC. For the 1st time in my life last year (2016) I spent every major holiday away from them. In my life, I can count maybe 5 Christmases I wasn't with them. I sent everybody Christmas & birthday presents in 2016 & this year but nobody acknowledged me or DH for any holiday. We were invited to the guy cousin's house for Father's Day but had an out of state wedding on DH's side. We already have other plans for Thanksgiving & Christmas this year.


My family's modus operandi is to ignore disagreements, never talk about them & just carry on as though they never happened or to never speak to the other person again. I am really OK with either alternative. I do not want to verbally dissect what happened.


DH & I will be in my guy cousin's state next month for our anniversary. It's a small New England state & the guy cousin lives about 1.5 hours away from where we'll be. Last night DH suggested that we call the guy cousin & let him know we'll be around. I was taken aback by the suggestion & told DH he was free to reach out to my cousin if he (DH) wanted to see him (the cousin) but I wasn't going to initiate anything. I also said I was unwilling to drive to the cousin's house even though we have to pass his exit to get where we're going.


I don't really care if I never see these people again but I don't want DH to feel bad. He thinks I need to mend fences. I don't see the point.


Am I being unfair to my husband? DH said he'll respect whatever I want. I told him he's free to be friends with the cousins if that is what he wants but I don't want to be involved.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 5:02 PM   #2
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It's hard to know if you're being unreasonable bc you give no reasoning for the fight. If it was one drunken night & you've had a good relationship with your family besides that one incident...you kind of all sound unreasonable & maybe your H sees it.

You're an adult & can do what you want but only you know if you're going overboard or not. Good luck
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Old 23rd September 2017, 1:33 PM   #3
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They're your cousins, not your husband's. If you are glad to be (as my Ozark relatives would say) "shed" of them, then just tell your husband you're not struggling with it and that it's been a relief now that it's done, after they didn't respond in 2016. It's nice the guy cousin is still okay with keeping in touch, but if this isn't anyone you're interested in necessarily having in your life, then just tell him it would be too awkward if it comes up again.

I have load of cousins but only about 4 families of what I'd consider friend cousins from childhood. One of them was a girl my age who also had brothers and I spent some days every year or so on their rustic farm. We wrote letters and were very close, never argued about anything, though one of her brothers was a jerk who seemed to get away with it because for some reason all the aunties thought he was great. We can just call him Eddie Haskell. He actually held a long rifle on me and my girl cousin and we got under the bed trying to get away from him. No one seemed to take the incident seriously. And yes, it was loaded. He often hunted for table food with his dad. He also handed me a rifle when I was a kid (he was about the same age) and told me to shoot it and I did and I still have a whelp on my ring finger from the hammer hitting me.

But I stayed close with the girl, Katy until she married and started having kids. Saw her at a reunion maybe 12 or so years later. She seemed a little aloof. But we exchanged numbers and a few months after I got back from the reunion, she called and told me Eddie Haskell had a great business venture going and everyone was going to get rich. She sounded like she really believed it, though why she'd believe anything out of his mouth is a mystery. Anyway, I asked a lot of questions and it was a classic pyramid scheme where there's no actual merchandise but you are buying and selling merchandise you'll never see and then getting friends to do the same thing. So I told her, Katy, what you are describing is a pyramid scheme and is illegal. If you don't believe me, ask around about it and look it up. I didn't want him taking all her money and believe me, he wasn't above it. So that was in the 1980s, and I haven't heard from her since.

Three of her family have passed away (but of course Eddie Haskell will be the last to go) and I've written a nice card to her house each time and she never acknowledges it or anything. So I don't know if she got rich off the scheme and doesn't want to get busted or if she's mad because I told her it was a scheme or what. It's worth noting that her mother and father did attend my mother's funeral, so whatever bug is up, it's her butt not theirs. Which means she kept it secret from them. Anyway, it's just her and Eddie left, so I'm done with card writing. Eddie got in trouble for becoming a preacher and milking his congregation out of money and he's now got a mail-order bride and trying to make money some way on that.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 6:03 PM   #4
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The blowout was with the female cousin right? I don't see why you should snub the rest of the family, it wasn't their argument/fight. I'm with your hubby, I think you should mend those fences.
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Old 24th September 2017, 4:02 PM   #5
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I saw her father yesterday.
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