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Sister diagnosed with BPD


littleblackheart

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littleblackheart

Hello

 

My sister got recently diagnosed with BPD. She is distraught over the diagnosis but also wants to be able to regulate her moods because she is fully aware of how she is acting. She is medicated (I'm not sure what she's on though) and does all she can but I wanted to know what we could do as a family to help her out.

 

We're the supportive sort of family so I don't need to be told of negative experiences or those who gave up on their loved ones because they are BPD.

 

I'm just looking for tips on how to make it easier on her now she is on this path to trying to sort herself out.

 

Thanks!

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I never know if people are talking about bi-polar disorder or borderline personality disorder which are different things when they post about BPD.

 

Either way, learn what you can about the condition through research but use google scholar not plain google. Ask if her diagnosing therapist would be willing to meet with you & other family members so you understand more.

 

Make sure your loved on takes her medicine. The pills really help both conditions. Also make sure sis goes to her talk therapy.

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littleblackheart
I never know if people are talking about bi-polar disorder or borderline personality disorder which are different things when they post about BPD.

 

Either way, learn what you can about the condition through research but use google scholar not plain google. Ask if her diagnosing therapist would be willing to meet with you & other family members so you understand more.

 

Make sure your loved on takes her medicine. The pills really help both conditions. Also make sure sis goes to her talk therapy.

 

She's borderline. She's good at taking her meds and I've done all the research (I'm an Aspie, that's what I'm good at!).

 

I was thinking more along the lines of emotional support or maybe things to avoid saying or doing in particular.

 

Thanks for the reply though!

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Remind her that your love for her is unconditional & don't make her feel defective.

 

The therapist should be able to help you with things not to say.

 

My cousin is Borderline & one of the things is to acknowledge how the other person feels because as a child they often got messages that what they were thinking or feeling was invalid. For example a parent who comes into a room & hands a child a sweater saying, "I'm cold, put this on" confuses the child The child may have been comfortable but now this adult is saying that the child should be feeling something else -- a chill -- & the child thinks there is something wrong because the adult is cold but he or she is not. That is a very simplistic example but it's the one my cousin's therapist you to explain it to me.

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littleblackheart
Remind her that your love for her is unconditional & don't make her feel defective.

 

The therapist should be able to help you with things not to say.

 

My cousin is Borderline & one of the things is to acknowledge how the other person feels because as a child they often got messages that what they were thinking or feeling was invalid. For example a parent who comes into a room & hands a child a sweater saying, "I'm cold, put this on" confuses the child The child may have been comfortable but now this adult is saying that the child should be feeling something else -- a chill -- & the child thinks there is something wrong because the adult is cold but he or she is not. That is a very simplistic example but it's the one my cousin's therapist you to explain it to me.

 

Thanks.

 

The example you gave speaks to me as this is something I'd be confused over but I'd never thought to associate it with BPD too. I'll see if I give her therapist a call (we live far from each other so I can't see him in person).

 

We've always been close as a sisterhood (there are 3 of us) and both my sis came through for me when I got diagnosed with Aspergers so I want to be there for her now. It'll be a bit of a struggle I think as my comfort zone is reason over emotions, and she's the complete opposite but hopefully we'll get there.

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Read the book 'Stop walking on eggshells'

 

Expect surprises.

 

I call it the 'sky is blue' disease, meaning something seemingly innocuous and pleasant can bring on a rage in a BPD'er.

 

Read up on engulfment and abandonment.

 

Your patience and sanity will be tested.

 

If your sister can maintain even short-term friendships with people, there's hope. Usually people, if given a choice, avoid sufferers if/when the rages appear. That's been my experience.

 

My historical saying has been 'which one will I get today?' and that changes from minute to minute.

 

AFAIK, unless there's a co-morbid organic brain chemistry issue involved, BPD isn't really treatable with meds. It's a personality disorder. One of those deals where the big cognitive brain has to consciously manage the disorder through desire to and with intensive psychological therapy.

 

Good luck!

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LivingWaterPlease

littleblackheart, I join knabe in being warmed by your kindness toward your sister! What a wonderful family you must have! :)

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littleblackheart

Thank you knabe and LivingWaterPlease for your kind comments, they mean a lot. My sisters and I have always been close and we vowed from a young age that nothing will ever come between us. We had a dysfunctional childhood (great parents who are very bad as a couple) so we had to go through a lot of ups and downs and we've been affected in one way or the other so we promised we'd always be there for each other no matter what.

 

Thanks carhill for the reference. I've come across it already but haven't it yet. I know from research and from knowing my sister that it affects people a dilifferent way. I also know she is kind, not manipulative or malevolent. The diagnosis was a shock but not a surprise (if that makes sense) but I don't really know how to help other than just being there, which doesn't seem much.

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Thank you knabe and LivingWaterPlease for your kind comments, they mean a lot. My sisters and I have always been close and we vowed from a young age that nothing will ever come between us. We had a dysfunctional childhood (great parents who are very bad as a couple) so we had to go through a lot of ups and downs and we've been affected in one way or the other so we promised we'd always be there for each other no matter what.

 

Thanks carhill for the reference. I've come across it already but haven't it yet. I know from research and from knowing my sister that it affects people a dilifferent way. I also know she is kind, not manipulative or malevolent. The diagnosis was a shock but not a surprise (if that makes sense) but I don't really know how to help other than just being there, which doesn't seem much.

 

I think this disorder, like many, can sort of...enhance a person's core, so to speak. I know someone with BPD, and they are not given to dangerous rages or sociopathic manipulation. They do tend to be reactive and clingy. And sometimes they are soooooo effusive and sooooo sensitive that it get to be...a bit much. But she is not scary or angry.

 

Carhill is right in that meds do not treat the BPD itself. However, depression and anxiety often go hand in hand with BPD, so the meds can help with that, which can make BPD easier to mange.

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What a kind and loving family you all have. It's very nice to see.

 

Good luck to her and to you all. It won't be easy but with all of this loving support you share with one another it will certainly make a big big difference knowing you're taking it on as a team.

 

I wish you all well xo

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One thing I'll add since we nearly lost one to improper medication is, whenever brain meds are involved, it's healthy to have a monitor. Brain meds, if they go sideways, are adversely affecting the manager which administers and controls them. It's easy for things to get out of control. Also, while not universal, it's common for people to go off or cut back brain meds when they 'feel better', which can adversely affect their body/brain.

 

In our case, the patient's pharmacist/doctor wasn't monitoring and mingled contra-indicated brain meds as well as wasn't watching dosages and the patient over-medicated and nearly died, requiring hospitalization and clinical reverse titration back to a baseline state. She's fine now and is dealing with BP2 and co-morbid BPD in a baseline state. It's often harsh but baseline is IMO the best place to start with any treatment/therapy regime.

 

My last tip from dealing with this particular patient for 20+ years, as well as caring for a psychotic for nearly a decade is: This moment will pass. If one makes the choice to care and love, OK, that's the choice.

 

I fell back on that training just this morning when the lady across the street stopped by and we're talking and her son and she got into a fight in the street and she ran over his foot with her car to get away from him. She's gone down the street and he's limping back to the house and I simply asked him if he needed any help (he didn't) and then went back to what I was doing. The moment passed. One of those crazy-making moments I recognized well. Life goes on.

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I second what carhill says about medication and monitoring. While the right med can be life-saving, wrong or unnecessary meds can erase and devastate years of a person's life.

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littleblackheart

Knabe - yes, what you say makes sense. The emotional rollercoaster of emotions is exhausting, and she can say the most vile stuff on occasion on the spot but she's more of an over-the-top person than anything else. She's very capable at work and is a super auntie to my kids, but the impredictability is trying.

 

Carhill: I'm not too sure about the meds she's on (I think probably strong hormonal stuff?) and I'm not even sure it's to do with the BPD but it seems to reassure her? Thanks for all the info on the brain meds, I'll read up on it. Also I really appreciate the 'this moment shall pass' advice. In the moment, it can be a bit overwhelming but I'm sure it's harder for her than it is for us.

 

Amaysingrace, thank you :)

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What I learned from dealing with a paraphrenic (a type of dementia) was 'when you've seen one patient, you've seen one patient'. Each person is unique as is their disease process.

 

I've experienced BPD'ers coming on to me sexually one minute then punching me the next and, uneducated, found this very disconcerting. However, with training, taking a moment to process before action/reaction moderated both my own emotional state as well as subsequent actions/reactions from the other person. With a true BPD'er in the abandonment phase, oh my, watch out. Anything can happen. Fear of abandonment is apparently a very strong emotional state.

 

Oh, the lady across the street drove by again while I was out working and asked me if the ambulance came and I told her no and that her son, while limping, appeared to be OK. She then told me he was drunk to which I responded I figured there was something going on. She then left, ostensibly to let him sleep it off. With family, there's always something. Life is imperfect. My family is dead and I did my caregiving bit so enjoy the solitude now. It sounds like the OP's sister has a wonderful support system and good on them for that. It'll work out. I just remember that most people are decent folks and some of us simply have more challenges than others. Compassion, freely offered/given, seems to go a long way with this stuff, albeit with healthy boundaries. The reading materials help with those. Also, a professional psychologist familiar with mental/pychological disease can assist with tools for coping/supporting/caring. There's no indignity in asking for help. It's out there.

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Hello

 

My sister got recently diagnosed with BPD. She is distraught over the diagnosis but also wants to be able to regulate her moods because she is fully aware of how she is acting. She is medicated (I'm not sure what she's on though) and does all she can but I wanted to know what we could do as a family to help her out.

 

We're the supportive sort of family so I don't need to be told of negative experiences or those who gave up on their loved ones because they are BPD.

 

I'm just looking for tips on how to make it easier on her now she is on this path to trying to sort herself out.

 

Thanks!

 

She needs a good therapist most of all. I hate shrinks even though the ones I worked with said I was really good at my job. Medication is worthless and is the norm today. The US is a country of complete medication overload. I dont believe in it in many conditions and a condition can be controlled with basic therapy and a diet.

 

Google Dr. Peter Breggin. I have read everything by him and he is well published. Here is the link to his main site and you can read and download all of his journal studies there. You can follow him on FB also.

 

Just never tell anyone to just stop taking any medication without proper supervision of a GP. It can be harmful, but I have known ppl that take meds and live very productive. Look at the additional info.

 

https://breggin.com

 

Additional Info. Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kay_Redfield_Jamison

 

Google her links for supportive taking of medication. She is a great woman and I read all her work also.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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She is kind, not manipulative or malevolent.
LBH, BPDers generally are kind people -- as long as you don't draw close and start triggering their fears. As to frequent manipulation, it is a symptom for narcissism (NPD) and sociopathy (ASPD), not BPD. BPDers tend to be very controlling but they are far too reactive -- to whatever intense feeling they are experiencing at this very moment -- to be good at manipulation. To be successful, manipulation requires careful planning and flawless execution. Hence, even when a BPDer tries to be manipulative, she is unlikely to be any good at it.

 

She can say the most vile stuff on occasion.
Like a young child, a BPDer's bad behavior does not imply that she is BAD but, rather, that she is emotionally UNSTABLE.

 

She's very capable at work and is a super auntie to my kids.
The vast majority of full-blown BPDers -- statistics suggest 2/3 to 3/4 of them -- are "high functioning." This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

 

I'm just looking for tips on how to make it easier on her.
LBH, there are validation techniques you can use to reduce the conflict between you. If your sister has only moderate traits of BPD, those techniques may prove quite helpful. If her traits are very strong, however, I doubt you would see much improvement because she won't believe whatever it is you are saying. When traits are strong, a BPDer typically is unable to trust you for any extended period.

 

Some of these validation techniques are discussed in popular BPD books such as Stop Walking on Eggshells, which Carhill recommended above. It is the best-selling BPD book targeted to the family members and spouses of BPDers. I also recommend two free online resources. One is a psychiatric nurse's blog providing 20 tips to nurses on how they can best deal with obstinate BPDer patients. It is located at Borderline Personality Disorder on the Behavioral Unit - Psychiatric Nursing.

 

The other resource is BPDfamily's list of tools for reducing the conflict with a BPDer family member. Those tools are described at Decision Making Guidelines. While you're at BPDfamily, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at their message board, Coping and Healing From a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw. Take care, LBH.

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littleblackheart

Carhill - yes, I think fear of abondonment is potent in her. Our mother is in poor health atm and she has been acting out like crazy ever since.

 

Stixx - thanks for the links. I really don't know much about the type of meds she's taking but I'll keep a closer eye on it (from a distance).

 

Downtown - thanks for your post. I'll have a look at the 'validation' techniques and see if we can tailor them to her needs.

 

That said, I have high functioning Aspergers and I'm at the high scale of the spectrum; I have a totally 'normal' life by most standards but I also know what it feels like to have my type of 'disorder' painted in the worst light by others who have had a bad experience with an Aspergian so I'm going to do that with my sister.

 

I don't really care whether she is moderate or not, and in our family we don't feel like we are having to 'cope'. We accept each other for who we are and help each other out - she's the one who has to cope with it, not us. Sure it's not great to be on the receiving end of it but I'm sure it's way worse for HER. To me, she's not a 'BPDer', she's my sister and she happens to have BPD. She also wants to get better, so she needs our help.

 

In my experience, most things can be overcome with inconditional support and knowledge.

Edited by littleblackheart
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I have to echo the advice to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It was a huge help to me. Also agree that validation is important. Sometimes a person with BPD will say the most outrageous and untrue things. Like you may be doing everything in your power to help and support them only to have them look you in the eye and tell you that you don't care and you never do anything to help. The natural response to that is normally to defend yourself and to list examples of everything you do to be supportive. Doing this just escalates the situation with a person who has BPD. They feel like you are not listening and that you are telling them their feelings aren't real.

 

How old is your sister? As far as I know BPD is not treatable with meds and many people say it can't be cured it can only be managed. That being said, some people with BPD seem to get better with age.

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littleblackheart

Anika99 - she's in her mid-30. She's introspective, self-conscious and aware of her actions so she's not in denial over any of it. She is hurting every time she is hurtful, and we have learned to mostly dismiss the awful things she says when she's lashing out because it's clear she's not totally herself in those moments, so we don't take it to heart.

 

The diagnosis itself knocked her sideways for some reason so I was hoping to get insight on how to help her through it. It looks like all the answers are in that reference that keeps being mentioned so I just bought the book!

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It sounds like she is already a few steps ahead of the game give that she has accepted the fact that she has this diagnosis and is taking steps to treat it. My younger brother is a licensed therapist and he has told me that there are many folks with personality disorders go undiagnosed until something serious happens.

 

As a family, I would simply recommend that you continue to recognize that she will struggle to control her emotions at times. Have strategies in place so that you and your family can handle these times without becoming reactive yourselves as it can escalate a situation and make it worse. A family therapy session would be a start in getting these strategies in place.

 

My only other advice is that you don't allow her or anyone else to define her by her diagnosis. It will be much more difficult for her to handle this diagnosis if she feels like it is who she is and she has little control of it. There are going to be times where she is just having a rough time in life and doesn't need to be reminded of her mental illness or have that rough time blamed on her BPD diagnosis.

 

I have dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life and get frustrated when my family members and friends can't separate who I am and what I do from the diagnosis. I need to be able to vent about the 60+ hour weeks I put in sometimes without having someone bringing up the depression or anxiety.

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littleblackheart
It sounds like she is already a few steps ahead of the game give that she has accepted the fact that she has this diagnosis and is taking steps to treat it. My younger brother is a licensed therapist and he has told me that there are many folks with personality disorders go undiagnosed until something serious happens.

 

As a family, I would simply recommend that you continue to recognize that she will struggle to control her emotions at times. Have strategies in place so that you and your family can handle these times without becoming reactive yourselves as it can escalate a situation and make it worse. A family therapy session would be a start in getting these strategies in place.

 

My only other advice is that you don't allow her or anyone else to define her by her diagnosis. It will be much more difficult for her to handle this diagnosis if she feels like it is who she is and she has little control of it. There are going to be times where she is just having a rough time in life and doesn't need to be reminded of her mental illness or have that rough time blamed on her BPD diagnosis.

 

I have dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life and get frustrated when my family members and friends can't separate who I am and what I do from the diagnosis. I need to be able to vent about the 60+ hour weeks I put in sometimes without having someone bringing up the depression or anxiety.

 

Thank you, that's great advice! I completely agree with making extra sure she does not become her diagnosis.

 

She's in research mode at the moment so she's reading anything she can lay her hands on. This probably makes sense because she's trying to figure things out, but it's getting to a point where it's consuming her, so that advice is on point in the sense that she does need reminding that she's managed without a diagnosis for 30-odd years so that's not the end of the world.

 

From my own experience with regards sharing my diagnosis with outsiders, I have found this to be a bad idea outside my immediate family and very close friends. People assume and assign false issues to what they think you have, and it can be disheartening to be dealing with prejudice and ignorance; you're not always in the mood to educate people. I don't want that for her (especially as BPD has such bad press, which is quite unjustified from what I've been reading) but that's up to her to disclose it or not, I suppose. We are fiercely protective of each other (too much so, perhaps) so I'm quite sure we'll be able to fend outsiders off if needs be.

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Thank you, that's great advice! I completely agree with making extra sure she does not become her diagnosis.

 

She's in research mode at the moment so she's reading anything she can lay her hands on. This probably makes sense because she's trying to figure things out, but it's getting to a point where it's consuming her, so that advice is on point in the sense that she does need reminding that she's managed without a diagnosis for 30-odd years so that's not the end of the world.

 

From my own experience with regards sharing my diagnosis with outsiders, I have found this to be a bad idea outside my immediate family and very close friends. People assume and assign false issues to what they think you have, and it can be disheartening to be dealing with prejudice and ignorance; you're not always in the mood to educate people. I don't want that for her (especially as BPD has such bad press, which is quite unjustified from what I've been reading) but that's up to her to disclose it or not, I suppose. We are fiercely protective of each other (too much so, perhaps) so I'm quite sure we'll be able to fend outsiders off if needs be.

 

You're welcome.

 

I would also advise her to avoid playing internet doctor when it comes to her diagnosis... She will read all kinds of misinformation about experiences, treatments, medications, etc..etc.. And, this is especially true with personality disorders as there are horror stories out there. Reading the crap online could trigger some reactive behavior that she just doesn't need. We all want to be informed and be our own advocates but it is getting harder and harder to do so when you deal with a mental illness.

 

A good therapist and a psychiatrist will be able to answer her questions and guide her in the right direction in terms of her treatment. I would suggest that you folks find a therapist who has experience treating personality disorders as some of them don't.

 

As I said before, this is actually a positive situation. Many folks with personality disorders are misdiagnosed with a combination of other mental illnesses and they don't get the proper, specialized care that they need.

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littleblackheart

^^ Good point re spending too much time 'researching' online. I think she's fairly discerning but you're right, it's easy to get caught up in it all.

 

She seems to trust her therapist, so that's a good thing.

 

Thank you for seeing things from her perspective :).

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^^ Good point re spending too much time 'researching' online. I think she's fairly discerning but you're right, it's easy to get caught up in it all.

 

She seems to trust her therapist, so that's a good thing.

 

Thank you for seeing things from her perspective :).

 

It can just become disconcerting as what you read over the internet about a diagnosis, treatment and medications tends to be polarized.. People are either posting extremely negative experiences or their writing about positive ones. There's really no in-between where most people inevitably fall. I would recommend that she is careful when it comes to researching medications as there are far too many horror stories on the web about side-effects and what-not.

 

Ultimately, she will be just fine once everything is in place. The biggest key with any mental illness is recognizing what is going on and being proactive with responses to it, versus reactive.

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