Putting on a happy face / dying inside

[d0nnivain]

I just found out my new SIL is pregnant.

 

DH & I married later in life. He has ED. I had limited eggs. We didn't go the expensive IVF route for a lot of personal reasons including time, money & some resentment on my part that he hadn't been trying to get me pregnant the old fashioned route We can't adopt because I have a DWI in my past & have been in & out of therapy. I'm deemed an unfit parent by the agencies.

 

I'm almost at peace with my infertility but I'm not there yet.

 

My other SIL has been desperately trying to get pregnant for the last 7 years with no luck She has a variety of "girl problems" & is now trying to cope with her musician husband's increasing substance abuse problems. His drug use has gotten worse since pot was legalized in the state where they live.

 

I fear she will be devastated when she hears her brother's "good news."

 

Maybe it's sour grapes on my part but the other SIL & I did many things right: we watched our diets; took the prenatal vitamins; consulted doctors, rearranged our lives & it didn't happen. The new SIL smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, takes a number of prescription meds (all of which will have to stop but none of which should stop) in order to be pregnant. Plus her & my BIL are underemployed & irresponsible. They have a rocky tumultuous relationship IMO. BIL has a minimal relationship with his kids from his 1st marriage & brags about how he got out of paying child support. My MIL who has no money paid $1,500 to keep BIL out of jail for non-payment.

 

I know it's petty but why do they get to have another kid -- who they don't even really want -- while that gift was denied to me & my other SIL? It feels so unfair.

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry this news has hurt you. I've often wondered why women who don't really want a baby can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and others who would be great moms and really desire a baby struggle with fertility. Life is odd.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody but DH knows I'm hurt & I hope to hide my emotions well enough so nobody finds out. I don't want to detract from their happy news but I am not above crying alone in my room.

 

I have to see my new SIL in two weeks so it will be tough to mask my mixed feelings. Any suggestions for doing that?

[Els]

Sadly a healthy and responsible lifestyle is not the biggest factor by far, when it comes to fertility. That is why so many unfit parents end up having children, and it's very unfortunate for the children.

 

I am very sorry for you and your other SIL, OP, but honestly the person I feel the absolute most sorry for is the unborn child. Even if he/she isn't born with severe defects (unlikely unless the SIL stops the smoking and heavy drinking), he/she is in for a terrible, terrible childhood full of pain and misery and dysfunction which will likely translate to a terrible adulthood.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so sorry . I've been there .

[d0nnivain]

My pregnant SIL is not a bad person. Neither is my BIL. Perhaps this baby will cause them to grow up & be responsible For the baby's sake I hope so.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You are not obliged to do anything but the bare minimum of politeness. I have had moments where my life wasn't going that well and I had to act happy at friend's or family news of engagements, babies and so on. I totally avoided them when I could. I can't change my feelings but I think out of the options available, it's better to be absent than to be critical or bitter.

 

I am currently avoiding a Skype call with a good friend that just got engaged to the "man of her dreams". We were both in the same shoes for a long time. Even the most hard core single women that weren't willing to settle eventually met someone they were happy with. She was the last one, apart from me of course.

[BluEyeL]

I'm so sorry for your hurt . Unfortunately your SIL is not the only fertile person who doesn't quite have it all together, imagine how many others out there and realize it's distorted thinking to take it personally. It is unfair but life is unfair.

 

I was actually on the receiving end of this type of very common hurt 16 years ago. I was a foreign graduate student and I lived in a roommate house and was pregnant, when a 40 ish aquintance with fertility issues admonished me for being pregnant when in her opinion I had nothing while her and husband were well off.

 

At 40 I was well off also, at 45 I'm almost wealthy .and I didn't need the unfair judgement in my late 20s. So try not to show it.

[d0nnivain]

So try not to show it.

 

I would never.

 

My usual M.O. is to stay away. I send a nice gift if invited to the shower but I don't go.

 

At this point my friends are becoming grandparents so while sad it causes fewer feelings of jealousy.

[JuneL]

I would never.

 

My usual M.O. is to stay away. I send a nice gift if invited to the shower but I don't go.

 

At this point my friends are becoming grandparents so while sad it causes fewer feelings of jealousy.

 

I think as long as they're not rubbing it in your face, you shouldn't take it personally.

[d0nnivain]

I think as long as they're not rubbing it in your face, you shouldn't take it personally.

 

They are announcing their good news. They aren't doing anything to me. It's just difficult when you feel envy & that is personal. There is no way for it not to be

[mrs rubble]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down about this. One of my good friends has struggled with infertility and multiple miscarriages, her and her husband would be awesome parents too, it's very sad. I really feel for her and I feel for you too. It is soooo unfair.

My friend started working with kids in her spare time to help fill the void, she was a brownie leader for a number of years and now she teaches archery, she talks about "her kids" all the time, she's been amazing with my sons. She is also a great aunty.

I don't have any advice other than to avoid them if you can, but I really wanted to say I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

[SevenCity]

In order to be happy in life, you have to be thankful for what you have, rather than be bitter about what you don't have.

 

Take a poll on this site and ask how many of the women wish they were married. Hell, ask most of the guys here and they would likely want to be in a good marriage as well.

 

Whenever life gets me down I realize there a minimum of a million people who would kill me to take my place. Things can always be worse.

[BaileyB]

Life is just not fair sometimes.

 

I've been there too. It's hard. I'm just sending warmest hugs to you...

[No_Go]

I got to the following state of acceptance in my life. Me and the people around me are independent entities. Their success and my success in different fields of life are not correlated and therefore comparisons are meaningless.

 

I used to envy when someone gets better job then me or better boyfriend or whatever. Now... I am getting happier and happier with my own life. Sure, I'm single, sure, I didn't have the dream childhood, sure, I could be better off. BUT - looking 10 years back - I am living a completely different life now! I build for myself a life that I wasn't meant to live, and yes - it is not exactly where it wanted to be but in some aspects it is even better.

 

Think about it when you compare your life to your SIL or others. It is not a zero sum game. Their happiness doesn't take from yours. Yes they got something you didn't but I'm sure you got other things that they didn't.

 

Don't put a happy face. Try to mean it. And if you can't - I think it is still better to be honest and graceful with the situation, like say it makes you emotional or something like this instead of pretending that you're happy. It is very easy to discern...

[knabe]

Whether you "should" feel it or not, you do, and I for one understand. I am adopted - my parents could not have children the old fashioned way. Sometimes my mom (when I was an adult) would see parents mistreating their kids or not taking care of their kids and make a remark about the unfairness, and I could feel her pain. I'm always amazed when people make flip remarks (especially men) about infertility. They have no idea what it is like NOT being able to do that big thing most women are able to do.

 

And I've never found the "lots of people have it worse than you" thing to be very helpful. Yes, I know that. I have empathy....but am I not allowed to hurt to???

 

I'm sending you a virtual hug.

[OpenBook]

She is also a great aunty.

 

I'm seeing stars and flashing lights around this for you Donnivain. I bet you will make a FABULOUS Aunty D!!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Just hugs, (((((d0nnivain)))))

 

Am posting this just in case you'll try one more thing or someone reading this will. My sister couldn't get pregnant, either. She and H are in the medical field with all the advantages of fertility treatment. They tried everything for many years but nothing worked.

 

Then someone sent her to some earthy MD somewhere. She told me the lady Dr. shuffled into the office wearing Birkenstocks and a denim jumper, looked over her chart, then up at her, folded her chart, set it on the counter, then told her to go home and douche with baking soda right before doing the deed. The Dr. told her it's a game changer for many. My sis had her kids soon after that. Worth a try for anyone who's tried everything else. (I think her chemistry was too acid so her H's sperm couldn't survive).

[d0nnivain]

Living Water

 

Thanks. Had I read that 10 years ago, I may have tried. Now, trust me, it's too late. Hot flash, anyone?

 

I appreciate all the support even from those who told me to buck up. I know I'm blessed in a lot of ways.

 

I was never chomping at the bit to have kids. Had I been I would have made different choices in my late 20s early 30s. It's just one of those things where I always thought I had time.

 

This just stings because it's something denied to me & my other SIL while the one who is pregnant is unhappy about the situation in which she finds herself The irony hurts

[preraph]

We are not stuck with how we grow up. We all have an opportunity to recreate ourselves and be come whoever we want to be inside and follow our own path. We don't have to live the lives are parents envisioned. They have their own lives to live as they wanted and this life is yours to live as you want and to make out of yourself the thing you envision. It's amazing to me that recreating oneself does it occur to more people and they just accept whatever role they were born into. You can be whoever you want.

[d0nnivain]

We are not stuck with how we grow up. We all have an opportunity to recreate ourselves and be come whoever we want to be inside and follow our own path. We don't have to live the lives are parents envisioned. They have their own lives to live as they wanted and this life is yours to live as you want and to make out of yourself the thing you envision. It's amazing to me that recreating oneself does it occur to more people and they just accept whatever role they were born into. You can be whoever you want.

While all of that is true, I have to ask if you meant it to be responsive to me or did it get posted in the wrong thread?

[preraph]

^ You're right. But I can't figure out what happened. I posted on my smartphone to something with "happy" in it, but this wasn't the post. Odd. I can't find it now either.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Living Water

 

Thanks. Had I read that 10 years ago, I may have tried. Now, trust me, it's too late. Hot flash, anyone?

 

I appreciate all the support even from those who told me to buck up. I know I'm blessed in a lot of ways.

 

I was never chomping at the bit to have kids. Had I been I would have made different choices in my late 20s early 30s. It's just one of those things where I always thought I had time.

 

This just stings because it's something denied to me & my other SIL while the one who is pregnant is unhappy about the situation in which she finds herself The irony hurts

 

Thanks for your kind reply, d0nnivain.

[JuneL]

They are announcing their good news. They aren't doing anything to me. It's just difficult when you feel envy & that is personal. There is no way for it not to be

 

I am very sorry. I have a crazy idea: Is there any way you and your hubby can be involved in the baby's life and be a cool aunt/uncle?

[d0nnivain]

I am very sorry. I have a crazy idea: Is there any way you and your hubby can be involved in the baby's life and be a cool aunt/uncle?

]

Not really. They live in Florida & we live in the Northeast. We see them for a long weekend every other year, if that. Of course we'll send presents & coo appropriately over what pictures we see on social media but that will be the extent of our involvement.