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Cannot support my sisters affair


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 24th July 2017, 10:22 AM   #16
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If you can contact OM's wife, just beg her to tell your sister's STBXH and give contact info if necessary. I think it's more appropriate that she be the one to inform him. He has every right to know. By doing nothing you are enabling your sister's disgusting behavior.

Last edited by Zona; 24th July 2017 at 10:25 AM..
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Old 24th July 2017, 10:28 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lishy View Post
Fast forward 6 months and he has left his wife and kid and she has left her husband blaming him for being abusive, he was abusive to her because he smelled a rat and knew she was playing away

So he is living with family and she is in a place rented for her by her husband until the house sells.
The STBX doens't need told about the affair, he already knows.
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Old 24th July 2017, 10:30 AM   #18
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OP, how old is your sister and her lover?
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Old 24th July 2017, 10:51 AM   #19
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In stories like these, I always think about the Betrayed spouses, especially the kids involved.... If only people knw how much pain and trauma these selfishness can cause. Ugh!
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Old 24th July 2017, 11:12 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by road View Post
Anonymous emails are not believed and they are easy for a WW to
blame somebody hates me, revenge, is the reason why for this is
no truth to the emails.

As Betrayed said do the right thing and expose this affair. Do not
warn your sister or threaten her to stop or you will expose for
those things never stop the affair.
It's not about stopping the affair at this point though, IMO. That boat has already sailed. It's about dealing with the divorce in a fair and transparent manner.

Her STBX suspects, but just because he lashed out in jealousy doesn't mean he's ever had proof. On the other hand depending on exactly how he "got abusive" (which we don't know yet) it might be unsafe to tell him.
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Old 24th July 2017, 11:25 AM   #21
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op,
I can't tell you what to do, but here are a few points to consider.

first, you need to be able to live with your conscience. If telling her husband fits into your value system, then tell him.

secondly, juts because someone is your sister, that doesn't mean you have to support or even condone her behavior. If it's eating you up inside keeping the secret, then tell him. If you think you can keep it and be okay, then don't.

To sum it up...listen to your gut and do what you think is right.
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Old 24th July 2017, 11:25 AM   #22
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Wow .... loads of replies ... thank you

Ok to tell my BIL is not an option, my sister is my sister and we are ride or die as a rule
My issue is that I am really struggling to support her in this, I find it shabby and despicable and in the end the truth will out

I have told my sister today that I do not want to talk about this cheat again and that I do not respect the situation ... I cannot offer her what she wants as she doesn't want to hear my truth

I have been cheated on and it is hideous so my compassion lays with his wife and child to be honest but my loyalty has always been with my sister

I have not net this man and do not want to and it is coming between me and her and now I have told her not to mention him to me again they will just make the divide bigger and I am so upset

This is all ego driven on her behalf and I hate it ��
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Last edited by Lishy; 24th July 2017 at 11:27 AM..
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Old 24th July 2017, 11:30 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
The STBX doens't need told about the affair, he already knows.
There are numerous references in the original post that indicate that this is still "on the sly, that the BH is in therapy for his "jealousy" issues, that her "sister's lies are going to come out." I think it's fair to say that the BH suspects but doesn't "know."

I think some clarity on this would help, as well as some clarity on the "abusive" claim. If he's being painted as "emotionally abusive" because of his jealousy issues, the the guy is angry and suspects he's being gaslighted. If that's the case, his anger at her is not unfounded and he deserves the truth. If he's being physically abusive, that's another conversation.
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Old 24th July 2017, 11:41 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by BetrayedH View Post
There are numerous references in the original post that indicate that this is still "on the sly, that the BH is in therapy for his "jealousy" issues, that her "sister's lies are going to come out." I think it's fair to say that the BH suspects but doesn't "know."

I think some clarity on this would help, as well as some clarity on the "abusive" claim. If he's being painted as "emotionally abusive" because of his jealousy issues, the the guy is angry and suspects he's being gaslighted. If that's the case, his anger at her is not unfounded and he deserves the truth. If he's being physically abusive, that's another conversation.
Ok so OMs wife knows as he told her ... my sisters husband believes that she heft as he was verbally abusive accusing her of cheating and making threats

He is a great guy but I am scared of what he would do if he found out for sure she was cheating even though he has never been physically abusive
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Old 24th July 2017, 11:55 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by Lishy View Post
Ok to tell my BIL is not an option, my sister is my sister and we are ride or die as a rule
My issue is that I am really struggling to support her in this, I find it shabby and despicable and in the end the truth will out
Okay, I'll be brutally honest.

First of all, I appreciate the fact that you are loyal to your sister. But it's funny that the main issue that you are struggling with here is her own loyalty to her husband.

Girl, you have a very unhealthy, and even blind loyalty to your sister.

Your sister is emotionally crushing, not just one but three innocent people.

1.) Your brother-in-law, who in your own words, is a good man.
2.) The Other Man's Child, who is surely not just devastated but maybe traumatized by the situation and the sudden abandonment of his own father.
3.) That wife who might have been a very good person who just happened to have married a despicable guy.

Now, these people have nothing to do with your sister's actions. They are victims of the situation and they can't do anything about what is happening to them right now. These people are suffering emotionally.

But there is one person who can bring light of the situation who CAN DO something about them. And that is you.

Girl, this world is full of sh*t. A lot of people are suffering depression, poverty, loneliness, injustice and even though as a human being, we wanted to help all of them, we just can't. We can't help all of them.

But you, on the other hand, can help 3 people.


...... and you chose inaction because the cause of their suffering is your sister and you "are ride or die as a rule?"
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Old 24th July 2017, 12:10 PM   #26
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To save your BIL I'd definitely have a one on one with your sister & tell her if she destroys his reputation as a good man, you have no option but to tell the truth. At least give her a moment to try & do the right thing & then make your decision how you'll proceed.

Remember, a lot of BS are going to state to just tell, with no regard to how you want to proceed a relationship with your sister. It's your sister & your relationship you'll have to deal with in real life...things sound good & right on paper, until you have to actually live it. Good luck bc it sounds like a dreadful situation you didn't ask for
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Old 24th July 2017, 12:31 PM   #27
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Sometimes love needs to be tough love, especially with waywards. If you love your sister, you'll make sure that her deeds are exposed to everyone in your family, including the STBXH. That is the only thing that could shock her back to reality. She is obviously in affair fantasy land.
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Old 24th July 2017, 12:31 PM   #28
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If I were in this situation, I would stand down. As much as any person thinks they understand an intimate familial relationship, no.

I would say to sister that I disapprove, that I care about all parties involved and that frankly, this is messed up. Therefore I am removing myself. When it's sorted and you have your head on straight sis, call me and we'll lunch. Till then, hasta luego.

Don't be distracted/moved, she is living her life. You will only help her by being firm and sure of yourself.
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Old 24th July 2017, 12:38 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by Timshel View Post
If I were in this situation, I would stand down. As much as any person thinks they understand an intimate familial relationship, no.

I would say to sister that I disapprove, that I care about all parties involved and that frankly, this is messed up. Therefore I am removing myself. When it's sorted and you have your head on straight sis, call me and we'll lunch. Till then, hasta luego.

Don't be distracted/moved, she is living her life. You will only help her by being firm and sure of yourself.
I totally get this point. But I have a problem with this and I want an answer if anyone can shed light to it.

What I understand is that since "I am your sister, I will voice out my concern but since this is none of my business, I shall just be hands off to it....."

Now my question:

Isn't this some form of "bystander effect?" What about ethics? You knowing that there are people hurting because of 1-2 people's actions and you doing nothing because of what grounds again? Complex familial relationship?

I am seriously asking and I am quite confused.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Timshel View Post
Don't be distracted/moved, she is living her life. You will only help her by being firm and sure of yourself.
And by living her life, she's also destructing other people's lives. Am I really missing something here? Or is it really too complex and me being inexperienced that I can't absorb the situation clearly?
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Last edited by l8estnews; 24th July 2017 at 12:41 PM..
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Old 24th July 2017, 12:42 PM   #30
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Haven't read the entire thread, just the first six or seven posts. But, the point of talking to your sister is not to effect her behavior now. I have no illusions that will happen.

The point is that in the future (who can say how long?) your sister is going to crash and burn. You have stated your deep relationship with her and your talking to her at this point and being clear about where you stand is tough love.

There may. I say, "May," not guaranteed, come a point where your sister is flat on her back and because of your courage in taking the step to confront her now she will respect you and realize that you were really on her side when you confronted her. Therefore you may be able to help her in the future thereby salvaging your family relationships.

Whereas if you only expose her to your family, though it may not be seen by all on the forum as superfluous, useless and NOT as betraying your sister, in her twisted mind (she'll be twisted still when she's flat on her back eventually, which she most likely will be given her behavior now) she may view it as betrayal and you may not be able to help her then thereby losing the opportunity to help restore your family.

This is a complex situation from the stance of restoration which, imo, should always be the goal of healthy human relationships. That is not to say I expect she'll remarry your BIL at some point but merely to point out acting in a way that best sets the stage for healing in your family years down the road is preferable for your families' long term health.

"Sure, yes! She's a mess. Expose her, she's messed up. She won't listen, yada, yada!"

No, use a little wisdom and finesse here instead of knee-jerk reactions. No, she won't listen. That is not the point. Restoration is the point. It is a long term goal. Twenty years is going to happen to your family whether your sister is restored and healthy in your family or not. Why not behave in such a way that your family can be the best possible unit in twenty years (or whatever) rather than being a bull in a china closet now and ruining any chance of reconciliation for her in your family years down the road. And, no, I doubt she'll ever be married to your BIL again.

Know this needs editing, don't have time! But, urging you to protect your family, including your sister who has lost her good sense. It'll take courage. Yes, she will turn on you now. Yes, it will be hard. That is what it means to have character, do the hard thing for someone you love IF it is the right thing, which I believe confronting your sister is.
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