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Resolving conflicting feelings about Dad


robaday

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My Dad worked abroad for most of my life. Between the ages of 8 and 25 I saw him about three weeks a year on average. I vaguely remember being close to him when I lived with him up until about 8 years old. But those memories disappeared as I saw him less and less frequently.

 

My mother put up with it until a few years back when she found out about his infidelity and the child he had through it (the years he spent away were not solely about work, they were also about raising another child).

 

Anyways, I moved away, to a completely different continent. I have been living away for a decade now and feel like I became a "man" on my own. I still have a very close relationship to my mother who I would do anything for and my sister.

 

My Dad has finally moved home. Something he promised for over 18 years of marriage to my Mum. Myself, my mum and my sister are now long gone. And now he wants me to move back, as he "misses" me.

 

I feel guilty, yet I dont really feel I have much to feel guilty for. I never had a close emotional bond to him. He was gone too long, and his moodswings in the later years spread fear more than love.

 

How can I continue being my own man and get past this sense of duty that hangs over me?

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LastAcorn99

My heart went out to you as I read your post, friend. Situations like this are tough, and I can completely understand your dilemma. I would strongly encourage you to seek the help of a family therapist who can guide you deal with your circumstances. I’ll pray that God will give you His peace, wisdom, and strength during this difficult time.

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No way do you move home because this absent father instructs you to. Just tell him you learned to run your own life just fine. If you want to see him on occasion, then do.

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duty is not the same as love, duty is about obligation, love is about emotion

 

is he looking for you to take care of him in his old age? I suspect so, if that horrifies you, my apologies

Edited by darkmoon
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Darkmoon has a good point. The cynic in me is wondering about his other family. Did he just up and leave them to return home? Or did it all go pear shaped and now he's coming back with his tail between his legs?

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I think its a combination of things. I think on an underlying level yes, he is absolutely terrified about the years ahead of him because he never maintained relationships with the people he could have - his friends, his family etc. I think he is getting self awareness because he sees history repeating itself - he wasnt there for his dad in old age and now he likely sees the same thing happening.

 

In some ways I ended up just like him. Working in challenging environments away from family and friends, completely driven. Difference is I chose not to get married or have kids.......

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