Feeling alone

[Missmargot2]

I'm the oldest of three, though one of them is only 4. My mother was very abusive to me, and her partner would verbally abuse both my sister Julie and myself as kids. My mother once hot taken to court by slamming Julie, who was two at the time, across the room into a door at our babysitters, but I told them it didn't happen because I hadn't wanted to lose my mother. , and then at three she hit her with a ring on and tore Julie's cheek.

 

I had been the first, and by far my mom's favourite(granted, both of my parents have anger issues and Julie did too, whereas I was a quiet child) but when she tore open her cheek, I tried to push her away from Julie and told her she was going to hell of she touched her again. So, she didn't. She hit me. For every thing I did, everything Julie did- and Julie would do things just to get me beat because she thought it was funny. It was awful, and I fourth grade she made me spend a night on the streets because I'd gotten detention for drawing on my arm with a sharpie.

 

And when I was fifteen, I learned to be faster than her and duck, and she hasn't hit me since, or my sister's. My boyfriend always jokes that I have ptsd- because I cry about stupid things sometimes, like food or buying candy, things my mom kept a strict eye on. I had thought I was recovering. Then one day I said something to Julie about loving mom too much- she'd fallen off the roof, cut some veins on her hands, and would have died if I hadn't called the police, and Julie told me she didn't love our parents at all.

 

And Julie has always been jealous of me, for being the favourite and smarter, nicer, prettier, etc, in her opinion, and was usually very nasty to me constantly, but after that we had gotten very close. Then my mom had my baby sister alyssa- whom I loved and spoiled, who was sweet and my mom never yelled at or hit- granted, she barely parented the kid at all. I fed her and raised her for her first three years, so we were very close. But when i turned 18 my mom kicked me out. I've been trying my hardest since then, but everything is awful hard, and so I figured I'd try and see my siblings.

 

I don't know what happened, but Julie is back to being nasty. And worse, she pretends none of it ever happened! That we weren't hit and never hungry and that everything was perfect. And Alyssa keeps telling me I left, so she doesn't love me anymore. I just feel so awfully alone. I thought that at least if always have them, but for real I don't know, theyve both turned on me. And I know in two years I'll have to takw care of Julie so she doesn't have to be homeless like I was, and of course I'll do it- but it's hard to try so hard for a person, and have them turn around and hate you for no reason. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Edited July 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Miss Clavel]

just want you to know that i hear you. growing up i experienced some of the same things, tho it was my dad that was aggressive and violent and there was a favorite child that wasn't me.

 

not sure what to tell you. except that i too looked after my younger siblings, including the "favorite golden child" morning noon and night, for years, while our mother worked 18 hours a day to feed, house and protect us.

 

all of us are older now. most of us have had therapy, which, with all my heart, i urge you to consider.

[Lauradlou]

Wow, that is some very tough stuff. Thank you for sharing and I am so very sorry you had to go through all of it. I would highly suggest seeing a counselor and talking through these life events. I understand why you feel the way you do and that abuse is definitely not okay. Seek support. I will be praying for you!

[sickubus]

I would just ditch that whole situation. Your mom sounds toxic, her lover sounds toxic, and because you guys were raised in that environment, you're both a little toxic. You're just toxic in different ways.

 

You feel like you need to fix everything even though it's not your fault. And it sounds like your sisters grown to be a little sadistic/ selfish. So she's going to keep feeding off your misery and you're going to keep feeding off her screw ups.

 

Uhg, I know it sounds super harsh, but I've seen similar patterns in my own life. You could just go with your tainted instinct, and follow the viscous loop that's about to ensue. Or, you could separate yourself, do some self care, read up on healthy boundaries and relationships and try to reconnect later.