Muslim girlfriend's mother a real roadblock

[Fortysome]

I have been dating my Malaysian Muslim girlfriend for two years. She is in the US attending Grad School, she actually graduated this past Saturday. We have planned to get married and are very much in love. She is 27 years old. I am in my 40's. We are not children here.

 

She chose not to share this relationship with her parents. Last Thursday her mother flew in from Malaysia to attend her graduation. The plan was for her to tell mom about me in person and then for us to meet friday night for dinner then attend graduation together. Well that did not happen. She told mom and mom went completely crazy because I am both not muslim and white. I was uninvited to her graduation. Mom has forbidden her to see me or even talk about me.

 

I thought it was maybe a joke or maybe something mom would get over but GF tells me mom is very stubborn and does not want to meet me and does not want her to see me ever. Mom will be here in the US for the next 6 weeks and GF tells me that she is so sorry but she can not have any contact with me until mom leaves. She texts me in hiding. WTF? I know Muslim's are not allowed to date nor marry non muslims. I get this. But GF led me to believe for 2 years that mom would be ok with us. This woman I fell in love with is a strong independent woman. This is a different person.

 

So now I am feeling a little bit weird about this relationship. I mean I bought a ring already. We have already talked marriage. The fact that she is not fighting for me/us makes me wonder what the point is to continue in late July when mom goes home? Its not that I cant handle 7 weeks without her but that is not the point.

 

If she can not convince mom to even meet me in the nearly 7 weeks she is visiting this country and complies with mom's no contact rule, perhaps she is not ready to be in a relationship. At least not a relationship with a non muslim.

 

In her defense she seems completely stressed out about this. I feel bad for her because I really love her with all my heart. I hate to put added stress on her. Her mom appears to be very very very controlling and because of her culture disobedience is equal to disrespect even at 27.

 

I feel that if this relationship is to work with me, she has to put her foot down. If she won't put her foot down, how can we possibly progress?

 

I welcome any advice.

Edited June 14, 2017 by Fortysome

[Sparta]

I get what she's saying about her mother but she has to go no contact completely. For six weeks but you might as well put that ring away. It sounds like there's more to the this story than meets the eye. Really sorry to hear about that unfortunate situation but you need to do what's right for you. Let her contact you if she doesn't well at least you're on your way to getting over her. Remember go by actions not words.

Edited June 14, 2017 by Sparta
Spelling

[Fortysome]

When I say no contact I mean she can not see me. She is still texting me all day and calling me at night.

[amaysngrace]

Can you convert to her religion? Would that make any difference to her mom?

[Fortysome]

I suppose I could.

[doyathinkso]

Oh bloody hell NO! Do not do that.

[Whodatdog]

I dont think this bodes well for a future with her, if she can't stand up to her mother. What if her mother lives another 30 years?

 

If your girlfriend wants to make the rules and not stand up to her mother for you for 6 weeks, then I think its only fair for you to not let her contact you for that time. She has got to ultimately make a choice here, does she want to make a life with you, or let her mother rule the rest of her life?

 

She uninvites you to graduation? That is as low as it gets. I would tell her you understand why she has had to act this way, but for the time being, until she can figure out what she wants, then its best she doesnt contact you. She needs to make a decision if she wants you in her life or not. Dont make it easy for her.

[elaine567]

You were very naive to think that her mother would be OK with this.

It was disingenuous of your gf to lead you on in this way too.

She chose not to share you with her parents/wider family as she knew perfectly well they would not accept you.

 

I know Muslim's are not allowed to date nor marry non Muslims.

So why did you think that YOU would be the exception to the rule? As a non Muslim man, you are her family's worst nightmare. I guess they will line up an acceptable Muslim man for her to marry and she will comply as she will see no other option. No woman really wants to lose her family, and she will very likely do so if she continues to date you.

 

She may have "said" that her Mother would be OK with you, but the fact she hid you away for 2 whole years should have told you otherwise.

Your gf will have the full weight of Islamic law against her here, she cannot just "put her foot down".

 

As she is also the girl who disrespected you recently by leading on some hot young guy at her birthday party, I guess she already knew her relationship with you is time expired and she was having some fun before she has to bow down to her family's wishes and marry a Muslim man.

She probably knew it would be all over as soon as her mother showed up for the graduation. Her mother may in fact have done her a favour, by "making her" break up with you...

 

If you are going to engage in cross cultural dating you need to be very aware of what that really means, and not just assume that everyone living in the West, has totally adopted Western ideas, no matter how "Western" they may appear to be.

Islam is a powerful religion, it pervades into every aspect of a person's life, it is never to be taken lightly.

 

Be careful, she may decide to rebel against her family and choose you, but living with a wife who is totally bereft of her family as they will ostracise her, may be hard and she will most likely grow to resent you.

[Fortysome]

Elaine 567, you are right I was naive perhaps . We spent 2 years drinking wine and traveling and sleeping with each other. I never saw her pray, she eats pork and I never saw her fast.

 

My impression was always that her background was Islam but she did not fully drink the Islamic koolaide . I assumed wrongly that her mother did not either.

 

Your advice then is to break up with her? Give up the 2 wonderful years we spent together?

[elaine567]

Elaine 567, you are right I was naive perhaps . We spent 2 years drinking wine and traveling and sleeping with each other. I never saw her pray, she eats pork and I never saw her fast.

 

My impression was always that her background was Islam but she did not fully drink the Islamic koolaide . I assumed wrongly that her mother did not either.

 

Your advice then is to break up with her? Give up the 2 wonderful years we spent together?

 

You may actually have no choice in the matter.

[Whodatdog]

Its a matter of compatibility. You may have spent 2 wonderful years with her, but it was also deceitful of her to lead you to believe all would be well with her mother when she knew damn well it couldnt be. Now that the truth is out, you're likely in for a very difficult time with her from here on in.

 

I still recommend that you go NC with her, and let her decide what is most important to her, a future with you, or doing whatever Mommy says, even tho she's obviously not a practising Muslim. Is she lying to her mommy about that too? As it is now, you have no shot of marrying her. None. Zip.

[arzi]

I have been dating my Malaysian Muslim girlfriend for two years. She is in the US attending Grad School, she actually graduated this past Saturday. We have planned to get married and are very much in love. She is 27 years old. I am in my 40's. We are not children here.

 

She chose not to share this relationship with her parents. Last Thursday her mother flew in from Malaysia to attend her graduation. The plan was for her to tell mom about me in person and then for us to meet friday night for dinner then attend graduation together. Well that did not happen. She told mom and mom went completely crazy because I am both not muslim and white. I was uninvited to her graduation. Mom has forbidden her to see me or even talk about me.

 

I thought it was maybe a joke or maybe something mom would get over but GF tells me mom is very stubborn and does not want to meet me and does not want her to see me ever. Mom will be here in the US for the next 6 weeks and GF tells me that she is so sorry but she can not have any contact with me until mom leaves. She texts me in hiding. WTF? I know Muslim's are not allowed to date nor marry non muslims. I get this. But GF led me to believe for 2 years that mom would be ok with us. This woman I fell in love with is a strong independent woman. This is a different person.

 

So now I am feeling a little bit weird about this relationship. I mean I bought a ring already. We have already talked marriage. The fact that she is not fighting for me/us makes me wonder what the point is to continue in late July when mom goes home? Its not that I cant handle 7 weeks without her but that is not the point.

 

If she can not convince mom to even meet me in the nearly 7 weeks she is visiting this country and complies with mom's no contact rule, perhaps she is not ready to be in a relationship. At least not a relationship with a non muslim.

 

In her defense she seems completely stressed out about this. I feel bad for her because I really love her with all my heart. I hate to put added stress on her. Her mom appears to be very very very controlling and because of her culture disobedience is equal to disrespect even at 27.

 

I feel that if this relationship is to work with me, she has to put her foot down. If she won't put her foot down, how can we possibly progress?

 

I welcome any advice.

 

 

As per the rules of muslims, they can't marry non muslims. If you truly love that girl? Convert to her religion only the option. Otherwise, you can't marry that girl.