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My Brother's Wife is a Serial Cheater


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 24th July 2017, 1:54 PM   #46
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OP, we all judge, not to mention that verse "judge not lest ye be judged" is the most taken out of context verse EVER. It means do not wield judgement. Like shooting the person who mugged you after the fact instead of using the justice system.

Every single one of us evaluates right/wrong good/bad in the lives of others. Or we're lying. In fact, the mere act of telling someone they shouldn't judge.....is judging.

You judge cheating to be wrong. I agree. You judge taking financial advantage of aging parents. I agree. So do most people, to be honest.
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Old 25th July 2017, 9:06 AM   #47
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OP, we all judge, not to mention that verse "judge not lest ye be judged" is the most taken out of context verse EVER. It means do not wield judgement. Like shooting the person who mugged you after the fact instead of using the justice system.

Every single one of us evaluates right/wrong good/bad in the lives of others. Or we're lying. In fact, the mere act of telling someone they shouldn't judge.....is judging.

You judge cheating to be wrong. I agree. You judge taking financial advantage of aging parents. I agree. So do most people, to be honest.
Great points. For those who have been extremely critical of my decision (mostly my decision to even have an opinion on this since it doesn't involve me directly), a little exercise. Let's reverse roles here, and pretend it's simply a best friend whose husband is an enormous sleezeball. He was just caught having an affair with a married woman, only to be revealed that he's been sleeping around with upwards of a dozen other woman over the past few years, and has absolutely no qualms about bringing some of these women into the marital home why his wife is out of the house even for a few hours. Would you simply say, "man, this guy is a real jerk, but he said he's sorry and promised he won't do it again, so who am I to judge!?". My feeling is that you just may have yourself an opinion on the matter, and my guess is that you might just have something to say to your friend, in a friendly and supportive way, along the lines of, "are you SURE you want to stay with this guy?" I think those of you who are saying "stay out of it" or "who are you to judge?" are being intellectually dishonest. I am NOT suggesting any sort of anti-feminism here, but I also think my sister in law is being given way more deference from some of you, than a cheating, sleezy husband would be getting given the same exact fact pattern.
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Old 18th August 2017, 4:26 PM   #48
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Update

A little update for those who care (probably no one!). As a brief background and prenote, I know that parental finances are always very tricky and a sensitive subject to discuss. At the outset, I understand and appreciate that my parents can do whatever they want with their money. I don't get a "say" in what they give to which kids. And to be clear, at varying stages of our lives, my parents have always supported all 3 kids, and I've certainly had plenty of support myself while in graduate school for example. So with that said, my father is getting an inheritance from his mother (my grandmother) who passed away 3 or 4 months ago. It's not a million dollars or anything, but it's enough to be helpful towards their retirement, buy a nice new car, help with their mortgage, that type of thing. Alternatively, they could opt to give to the kids (me and my siblings), but anyway, none of our business, I get it.

However, it has come to our attention that my parents (who could definitely use the money to make up for the tens of thousands they've spent propping up my brother's family the past decade or so) are thinking of giving the ENTIRE THING to my brother and his wife, potentially to help them buy a house. Even with the understanding that my parent's money is their business, this bothers me for a few reasons and I can't pretend it doesn't just because I'm "not supposed to judge" or second guess my parent's financial decisions. First, my brother and his wife's marriage just suffered an enormous gut punch by way of a wildly promiscuous spouse and is very fragile right now, hence making such an "investment" incredibly risky. It might sound mean to look at it that way, but this is not a solid or stable marriage. It's one where a spouse was just caught having sex with a man in the marital bed, and admitted to about half a dozen other sexual exploits over the past few years. At the very least, I would think it's prudent to wait to make sure that their marriage survives this, before throwing money at them to buy a house (they currently rent a house around the corner from my parents).

Second, (please reserve your holier-than-thou judgment on this), it definitely irks me that our grandmother left a modest inheritance to my father, and he's even contemplating giving the entire thing to only one of three siblings. Sure, my sister and I are more financially stable and haven't been bleeding my parents dry financially for the past decade, but are we not also his children? We have young kids, we have debts, we have mortgages and bills. But even putting that aside, it just feels like a slap in the face and blatant favoritism.

I could totally understand helping them pay off some sort of burdensome debt that makes it hard for them to get their head above water (self-inflicted as it may be), or something that's truly an immediate need. But with the amount of money they've already given them and continue to give them, they think it's prudent to give them an entire inheritance to buy a house? I don't care if I never see a dime, but I just really wish they would keep it for themselves to somewhat soften the constant stream of bills and other financial burdens my brother's family passes on to them. Giving them a down payment for a house will do nothing to cure their financial difficulties, and will only create a debt for 30+ years that they can't wiggle out of. Their monthly debts won't go down (if anything, their mortgage payments will probably be more than their monthly rent), and they're creating a huge marital asset that my con artist sister-in-law can take half of if (in my opinion, when), they get divorced.

I can predict the "mind your own business" emails now, and I'm not averse to tough love. But for anyone who cares to comment, if you haven't already, I'd suggest you read the original post and maybe some follow up to put this whole thing into context. Thanks for reading.
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Old 18th August 2017, 8:33 PM   #49
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Why would your father not give you or your sister any of the money?

Do they think your brother is struggling the most.

Are they open to accepting financial advice from a professional before they do this.

Your SIL sounds awful. Have you ever asked your brother why he has accepted her cheating over the last decade? Does your brother feel lucky to have her? Or that she's the best he's ever had in terms of attractiveness?

I don't buy into the "none of your business" talk. Anything concerning my family members is my business, but I am from a close knit family.

Especially if I felt my parents were being taken advantage of. We'd all make sure the offending in law knew what they were up against via the sibling married to them.


What I don't understand is why your brother keeps telling you all about her cheating, when he has no intention of leaving her.
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Old 19th August 2017, 8:54 AM   #50
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The sucky reality is that your parents have the right to do as they please with their money, earned or inherited. You have the right to express your opinions, but that likely won't stop them from throwing good money after bad.

"Best" case scenario, your brother lives out his life in the house your parents bought them. Worst case scenario, they divorce, the house is sold and the equity either gets divided 50/50 goes to pay lawyers, and you get to say "I told you so."
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Old 19th August 2017, 9:19 AM   #51
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What I don't understand is why your brother keeps telling you all about her cheating, when he has no intention of leaving her.
If that is the case, then he is merely offloading and ventng, he doest want advice or anyone else opinion, he just wants to get it off his chest. Problem shared is a problem halved kind of a thing.
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Old 19th August 2017, 9:26 AM   #52
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The sucky reality is that your parents have the right to do as they please with their money, earned or inherited.
Yes, and parents can do some horrible stuff to their children.

OP
BUT before going off on a "its not fair" rant and splitting up the family for good, then maybe a calm talk is in order.
Your parents may have made other plans for you and your sister.
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Old 19th August 2017, 1:15 PM   #53
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A little update for those who care (probably no one!). As a brief background and prenote, I know that parental finances are always very tricky and a sensitive subject to discuss. At the outset, I understand and appreciate that my parents can do whatever they want with their money. I don't get a "say" in what they give to which kids. And to be clear, at varying stages of our lives, my parents have always supported all 3 kids, and I've certainly had plenty of support myself while in graduate school for example. So with that said, my father is getting an inheritance from his mother (my grandmother) who passed away 3 or 4 months ago. It's not a million dollars or anything, but it's enough to be helpful towards their retirement, buy a nice new car, help with their mortgage, that type of thing. Alternatively, they could opt to give to the kids (me and my siblings), but anyway, none of our business, I get it.

However, it has come to our attention that my parents (who could definitely use the money to make up for the tens of thousands they've spent propping up my brother's family the past decade or so) are thinking of giving the ENTIRE THING to my brother and his wife, potentially to help them buy a house. Even with the understanding that my parent's money is their business, this bothers me for a few reasons and I can't pretend it doesn't just because I'm "not supposed to judge" or second guess my parent's financial decisions. First, my brother and his wife's marriage just suffered an enormous gut punch by way of a wildly promiscuous spouse and is very fragile right now, hence making such an "investment" incredibly risky. It might sound mean to look at it that way, but this is not a solid or stable marriage. It's one where a spouse was just caught having sex with a man in the marital bed, and admitted to about half a dozen other sexual exploits over the past few years. At the very least, I would think it's prudent to wait to make sure that their marriage survives this, before throwing money at them to buy a house (they currently rent a house around the corner from my parents).

Second, (please reserve your holier-than-thou judgment on this), it definitely irks me that our grandmother left a modest inheritance to my father, and he's even contemplating giving the entire thing to only one of three siblings. Sure, my sister and I are more financially stable and haven't been bleeding my parents dry financially for the past decade, but are we not also his children? We have young kids, we have debts, we have mortgages and bills. But even putting that aside, it just feels like a slap in the face and blatant favoritism.

I could totally understand helping them pay off some sort of burdensome debt that makes it hard for them to get their head above water (self-inflicted as it may be), or something that's truly an immediate need. But with the amount of money they've already given them and continue to give them, they think it's prudent to give them an entire inheritance to buy a house? I don't care if I never see a dime, but I just really wish they would keep it for themselves to somewhat soften the constant stream of bills and other financial burdens my brother's family passes on to them. Giving them a down payment for a house will do nothing to cure their financial difficulties, and will only create a debt for 30+ years that they can't wiggle out of. Their monthly debts won't go down (if anything, their mortgage payments will probably be more than their monthly rent), and they're creating a huge marital asset that my con artist sister-in-law can take half of if (in my opinion, when), they get divorced.

I can predict the "mind your own business" emails now, and I'm not averse to tough love. But for anyone who cares to comment, if you haven't already, I'd suggest you read the original post and maybe some follow up to put this whole thing into context. Thanks for reading.
IMO...it sounds like your parents want to help out the meekest child of the group. I can understand it bothering you but I think you're looking at it from only a biased perspective (which is understandable). You see it as "what about the rest of us" when I think your parents look at you & your other sibling as responsible adults that don't "need" their money & your brother as kind of the black sheep that can't take care of himself...& if that is their perspective then they probably blame themselves for his weakness & pity him.

I definitely see your point of View but I see there's as parents also. They're getting older, they love your brother & them not enabling him takes a back seat to their heart. Then if he has kids (sorry didn't check to see if he did) that evens pulls on the heart strings even more, that the son they raised isn't capable of financially supporting his kids. I'm not saying it's "right" but I do understand the logic.

You have kids & when they get older & maybe struggling (even if it's due to their choices) you don't know if you'd help them or not. You can say whatever you'd like but you truly don't know unless you live it, not just watch it.

I hope this all works itself out, good luck
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Old 23rd August 2017, 2:36 PM   #54
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IMO...it sounds like your parents want to help out the meekest child of the group. I can understand it bothering you but I think you're looking at it from only a biased perspective (which is understandable). You see it as "what about the rest of us" when I think your parents look at you & your other sibling as responsible adults that don't "need" their money & your brother as kind of the black sheep that can't take care of himself...& if that is their perspective then they probably blame themselves for his weakness & pity him.

I definitely see your point of View but I see there's as parents also. They're getting older, they love your brother & them not enabling him takes a back seat to their heart. Then if he has kids (sorry didn't check to see if he did) that evens pulls on the heart strings even more, that the son they raised isn't capable of financially supporting his kids. I'm not saying it's "right" but I do understand the logic.

You have kids & when they get older & maybe struggling (even if it's due to their choices) you don't know if you'd help them or not. You can say whatever you'd like but you truly don't know unless you live it, not just watch it.

I hope this all works itself out, good luck
Thanks for your responses. I'd be lying if I said I'm not partially annoyed at the fact that decisions my brother and his wife have made have led to their current financial straits, which has led to my parents constantly forking over way more money than the other siblings get. But that's superficial and frankly petty, and I try to push that down. What will never stop bothering me, no matter how hard I tell myself to just let them make their decisions, is the fact that my parents are nearing retirement age and their savings (not to mention potentially inheritance from their parents now too), is being eaten away. As you smartly suggested, they're probably just seeing that me and my sibling don't "need" money, so they're not constantly giving it to us. And they're still perfectly generous, giving us nice presents on holidays, gifts for our own kids, etc. So I'm not saying they're just forgetting about us with their time or attention. But when one sibling is just so constantly dependent, to the point where my parents are even flirting with the idea of giving a sizeable inheritance entirely to just him and his family, it's extremely unsettling to me. And it just makes me sad that out of an entirely understandable (but unfortunate) sense of needing to support a family who still can't support themselves due to their own choices, they will never be able to have a comfortable retirement, or to just be financially secure. I see them and hear them worrying about money, sometimes to the point where they worry how they're going to make a mortgage payment because they had to shell over $1,000 bucks or more to pay for an after school program for my brother's kids, or to pay some other bill that my sister in law just walked on over to them and dropped in their hands. I dont know. There's really not much more to say, and I'm clearly just venting at this point, but I appreciate everyone listening and responding.
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Old 29th August 2017, 4:24 PM   #55
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If I were in your shoes, I would never be able to accept someone like that into my family or my life, knowing how she took advantage of my parents for support while doing these horrible things to my brother. She has zero integrity. I would do everything in my power to talk sense into my parents and brother, but if they still accept her, I still wouldn't be able to. That's just me.
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Old 29th August 2017, 5:01 PM   #56
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Idk after reading this thread I'm having a hard time not seeing all of this from your point of view. Your brother is a cuckold and a doormat, your SIL is a whore and a leech, and your parents either don't realize they're being taken advantage of or simply don't care. The inheritance thing is completely ****ed up but at the end of the day their decision. Honestly all of them sound toxic and in your shoes I'd curtail my contact. You also might want to rethink your brother being a God parent as it's my understanding that implies he and your SIL will be raising your kids if anything should happen to you and your wife.

My mother and I have no problem cutting off family or friends, or seriously limiting contact, when the relationships just becomes detrimental. Hell I haven't talked to my sister in the longest and my mom cut off two best friends without batting an eye when they pulled shady behavior as well as her older Brother.

Doesn't mean you have to go to that extreme but you need to ask yourself if that type of behavior is worth putting up with. And if you were on the outside looking in, what advice would you give yourself.

You should consider taking a healthy step back from all of that and them.
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Old 30th August 2017, 3:19 PM   #57
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Thanks for your responses. I'd be lying if I said I'm not partially annoyed at the fact that decisions my brother and his wife have made have led to their current financial straits, which has led to my parents constantly forking over way more money than the other siblings get. But that's superficial and frankly petty, and I try to push that down. What will never stop bothering me, no matter how hard I tell myself to just let them make their decisions, is the fact that my parents are nearing retirement age and their savings (not to mention potentially inheritance from their parents now too), is being eaten away. As you smartly suggested, they're probably just seeing that me and my sibling don't "need" money, so they're not constantly giving it to us. And they're still perfectly generous, giving us nice presents on holidays, gifts for our own kids, etc. So I'm not saying they're just forgetting about us with their time or attention. But when one sibling is just so constantly dependent, to the point where my parents are even flirting with the idea of giving a sizeable inheritance entirely to just him and his family, it's extremely unsettling to me. And it just makes me sad that out of an entirely understandable (but unfortunate) sense of needing to support a family who still can't support themselves due to their own choices, they will never be able to have a comfortable retirement, or to just be financially secure. I see them and hear them worrying about money, sometimes to the point where they worry how they're going to make a mortgage payment because they had to shell over $1,000 bucks or more to pay for an after school program for my brother's kids, or to pay some other bill that my sister in law just walked on over to them and dropped in their hands. I dont know. There's really not much more to say, and I'm clearly just venting at this point, but I appreciate everyone listening and responding.
If it's coming to the point that your parents are going to put themselves out, then you should say something! In fact I would have a family meeting & call it out based on you worrying about your parents future...that changes things. It's one thing to have hurt feelings, it's another for your parents to not be able to take care of themselves financially bc of your brother. Even if it doesn't stop, if you & your other sibling call out that you're concerned & do your parents finances all together, then after no one can pretend (your brother or sil) that they didn't know. If you do it smart without allowing yourself to get emotional (I know it's difficult) than at least no one will be able to argue with facts or sense.

I just finally did this with my soon to be ExSIL & so far I'm the only one that has been able to reach her...certain things she automatically changed, in the best interest of my family. I just put her in a position that she couldn't argue with...it can be done! Good luck
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