Country_Girl Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 I will try to keep this brief. I am 35 my dad is 65. He was married to my mom for 29 years then had an affair with a coworker. Divorced my mom and married the woman he had an affair with. They have been married 6 years now. This woman, his new wife, tries to control all aspects of his being. He will only call me when she is not around. If I do call when she is around, he lets it go to voicemail and calls me back later when she isn't there. I am getting fed up, my Dad called me today and said his wife asked if he talked to anyone while on the road today, my Dad said he talked to me. She got pissed off and said "the weekend is our couples time"- he's basically not allowed to call me on the weekend. Holidays too for that matter. I'm sorry but this is my Dad. Why should there be designated times to call him. I'm so fed up. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 The new wife wants affirmation that your father left his previous life completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 I'd be fed up too if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 I'm sorry but this is my Dad. Why should there be designated times to call him. Country_Girl, For whatever reason, your father is allowing it; and, he is seemingly okay to go along with it. Of course he needs to want to change things, but, perhaps, your best option might be to have an in-person conversation with him to let him know that you feel hurt and also frustrated? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Agreed. His wife can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. So this is ultimately his choice. Getting angry at his new wife or getting into some tug-of-war/power struggle with her will be counterproductive. If your best friend or your mom had said now isn't a good time, you wouldn't feel so angry and rejected. You would just find a more convenient time to call. Unfortunately, what happened between your parents is coloring your interpretation of his choice. Speak with your dad (once you're no longer angry). Explain that you value your chats, and find a time that is mutually acceptable. The current time that you call doesn't work. Calling my brothers or my close friends at 8 pm on weekdays is ideal for me. But it isn't for them. That's the time when they're bonding with their kids before putting them to bed. Rather than continue to call at 8 pm, after the first couple of times I've found times that work better. Find another time--a time that works for him, not just you. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 He may not realize that he is being controlled. People who are being manipulated don't realize it till it's too late. It's the outsiders looking in can see it. You may want to step back and let him come to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Begin show up at their doorstep weekends:cool: If they love you they will let you in:cool: Thats what i call a quality relationship-, that truly is People you can count on:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Talk to dad. Don't make him chose but do understand that people who want to isolate others (telling your dad he can't contact you is isolating him) usually have improper motives. Ask Qs when you see him. Make sure he's making his own choices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Been down that path. And yes this NEW Wife is the catalyst to your dilemma. Nip it in the bud. Invite her out for lunch. confront this in a cordial environment. You are blood, she is water. both can have the best of intentions when openly discussed. Be prepared for her to play "he is mine now". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 This woman is clearly very insecure....likely because of how her marriage started. She knows that she will always be The Homewrecker in your eyes. This doesn't excuse her behavior; just trying to give some perspective. Take your father out for dinner and express your concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Apparently your father is a push over if he is allowing his wife to dictate when he sees his kids. It really isn't her fault but his. He should be man enough to put her in her place when it comes to his family. If he doesn't it's because he prefers her happiness over yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 (edited) My mother was in a similar relationship with my step father.....only i didnt know he was my step father until teen years in life....he would get angry if my mum called my sister or myself...mum would hide change that he gave her to play poker machines.... to ring us on payphones after we had moved out of home..... when my mum would sit down to write us letters..... he would ridicule her and say "writing your love letters to your darling daughters(one of those daughters was actually his flesh and blood,my sister) are you?".. when my sister and i would visit ....he would make it known we couldnt stay....even fi we had no place to go.........to keep mum away from everyone and to himself he went travelling around australia sold our childhood home........so ...when my mum's mum(my nanna) died my mother had no way of knowing even though there were investigators trying to track them....police were notified they couldnt find them either.........my family when we travel go off the beaten track.....we travel unpaved roads..... when they got back to the caravan park that was sort of home base for them, my dad hid the letter read it first, crumpled it up and threw it in the bin........my mum saw him throw the letter.... and retrieved the letter to find out her mother whom she adored....had died and had already been buried..not long after a year actually my grandpa died horribly alone.....when all she really wanted was to be near him....and organised a place close to her and refused to travel anymore...he didnt want my grandpa to move close .............those were the catalysts for my mother to ask him to pull the car over in her gentle and calm voice one day and she got out....and walked away.....literally,and moved interstate to be with me and my sister...... this slice of history i have written is to just say family will always be there family cannot be replaced........and your dad needs to make choices on what is important and what is not, he can be true to both you and he can be true to his new wife too...but he has to speak up and not be controlled......and you need to give him some room to do that...explain how you feel gently ...and compromise....but when a person cant talk in front of a significant other...there are warning bells to be heeded ..your dad needs to hear them first..... until then...give him room to breathe and be supportive of what he decides to do or how he chooses to handle the situation...when something is wrong and they eventually feel that pressure to conform and that their will isnt really their own ... that in that conformity and controlling bahaviors.... exists a complete lack OF respect for them and what makes them happy........that's when the changes will be made...so just be there for him let him feel that you are ...by unwavering support no matter how you feel neglected...support him in his life with her...........and be understanding......good luck...deb Edited February 12, 2017 by todreaminblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Introduce him to someone new and attractive that is more to your liking. Clearly, he's receptive to change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
marilyn1958 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 The world teaches that you are supposed to put your kids and your parents before your spouse.No!No one comes before your spouse!You have to say no to everyone else when it comes to your spouse. Husbands love your wives,even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 My mother was in a similar relationship with my step father.....only i didnt know he was my step father until teen years in life....he would get angry if my mum called my sister or myself...mum would hide change that he gave her to play poker machines.... to ring us on payphones after we had moved out of home..... when my mum would sit down to write us letters..... he would ridicule her and say "writing your love letters to your darling daughters(one of those daughters was actually his flesh and blood,my sister) are you?".. when my sister and i would visit ....he would make it known we couldnt stay....even fi we had no place to go.........to keep mum away from everyone and to himself he went travelling around australia sold our childhood home........so ...when my mum's mum(my nanna) died my mother had no way of knowing even though there were investigators trying to track them....police were notified they couldnt find them either.........my family when we travel go off the beaten track.....we travel unpaved roads..... when they got back to the caravan park that was sort of home base for them, my dad hid the letter read it first, crumpled it up and threw it in the bin........my mum saw him throw the letter.... and retrieved the letter to find out her mother whom she adored....had died and had already been buried..not long after a year actually my grandpa died horribly alone.....when all she really wanted was to be near him....and organised a place close to her and refused to travel anymore...he didnt want my grandpa to move close .............those were the catalysts for my mother to ask him to pull the car over in her gentle and calm voice one day and she got out....and walked away.....literally,and moved interstate to be with me and my sister...... this slice of history i have written is to just say family will always be there family cannot be replaced........and your dad needs to make choices on what is important and what is not, he can be true to both you and he can be true to his new wife too...but he has to speak up and not be controlled......and you need to give him some room to do that...explain how you feel gently ...and compromise....but when a person cant talk in front of a significant other...there are warning bells to be heeded ..your dad needs to hear them first..... until then...give him room to breathe and be supportive of what he decides to do or how he chooses to handle the situation...when something is wrong and they eventually feel that pressure to conform and that their will isnt really their own ... that in that conformity and controlling bahaviors.... exists a complete lack OF respect for them and what makes them happy........that's when the changes will be made...so just be there for him let him feel that you are ...by unwavering support no matter how you feel neglected...support him in his life with her...........and be understanding......good luck...deb I'm so sorry what you went through. That is heart breaking :-( My Dad knows I Will be there, I'm just worried about his wife and opportunistic friends just waiting in the wings. His wife and her friend circle are modern day vultures. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 The world teaches that you are supposed to put your kids and your parents before your spouse.No!No one comes before your spouse!You have to say no to everyone else when it comes to your spouse. Husbands love your wives,even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh My Dad's spouse is NOT my mom. So read the thread. She is a step Mom long after my brother and I were adults. Does that same logic apply when we are grown adults? Link to post Share on other sites
Titanll Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 How is a 65 year old man being "controlled" by his newer wife? I read your posts but I didn't catch the part where he is being controlled. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 Apparently he's agreed to some rules with her about weekends and holidays and they probably had some issue with him not spending quality time with her. It does sound like it's gone too far if he can't even call someone when he's on the road and not with her anyway. That's nuts. But maybe what he meant was she's mad at him for being away on the weekend on the road and also asked if he'd talked to anyone because she has some concerns about fidelity or whatever. You see, you're going by what he told you but he may have recited it incorrectly or twisted it. If she's mad he's on the road when they have an agreement weekends are for her, that's totally acceptable. See if it keeps happening before you make a deal out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 How is a 65 year old man being "controlled" by his newer wife? I read your posts but I didn't catch the part where he is being controlled. Exactly. Country_Girl, you're going to have to accept this is his choice, going all the way back to cheating on his wife. I doubt he's been drugged, conned or "controlled", even though it's understandable why you'd want to think so. I'd keep a safe distance and focus on my relationships with other family members... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Titanll Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 I won't post what I feel is going on here. It's almost scary obvious. I've seen it at least twice before. Almost exact same story to a a T. I also know how the story ends. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 (edited) Sadly, your dad has made his choice and it doesn't seem that he has any intention to change anything. Although you certainly have every right to tell him what you want for your relationship and how this makes you feel. But, at the end of the day, you have to understand that he is a grown man and he is responsible for making the decisions about his life. You may not agree with his decisions, but the only thing you control is how you deal with the situation. I would suggest that you try to find a way to stay connected with your father, perhaps a regular lunch date or scheduled phone call. But otherwise, focus on your life and build relationships with other friends and family members. I had to do something similar at one time in my life. It is not easy, but sometimes there is nothing you can do except live your life, as your father is doing the same. There is peace in acceptance. Edited May 18, 2017 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 He's afraid to be alone in his old age so he'll do anything she says because she promised him forever. Kids come and go when they get older and move on but a spouse stays. Hopefully his wife will stay. Maybe look at her as a blessing taking care of your dad? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Try to befriend your step mom. Make efforts towards her that are difficult (but not impossible) for you to do. Don't "not like her". Let her know you want to be her friend... You're not 16. You can do this if you will. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 sorry, but when I read the OP, I thought you were in your teens, you are a grown woman, and tbh, if you force any issues, the wife will win, she is his constant companion, see, while you are old enough to have kids of your own Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 28, 2017 Share Posted May 28, 2017 OP: Is there any chance your dad is using his wife as an excuse for not wanting to be in touch with you as much? From my experience, men often like to use his wife as a convenient excuse for things. Otherwise, can't you just text to arrange a convenient time before each call? In this time and age, sometimes people don't just call without texting in advance first. Link to post Share on other sites
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