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23 year old guy and still have curfew at home. What can i do?


jenssen39

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Hi all. My name is Jenssen and i am a 23 year old guy. I stay in Malaysia. I am really embarrassed on the fact that i still have a curfew even though i am 23 years old. Is there any advice on what i can do to avoid the curfew?

 

I am the youngest in the family. I’ve got 5 siblings including me. My siblings goes like this; sister, 1st brother, 2nd brother, sister and me. The age gap is fairly large as well as my 2nd sister is 10 years older than me. My mom is known for her strict rules of curfew. I must be back by 11.30pm and no later than that. My dad is fine with it but whenever my mom fusses about me coming home late, my dad would of course stand on her side. My mom would go Singapore to visit my sister. When she's at Singapore, i could come back late since my dad is okay with it. Of course, i know my limits not to come back so late as i am afraid my dad would worry over me.

 

Whenever i am out with my friends, she would call and say 'what time is it now and why are you not back yet?'. I have no choice to inform my friends that i need to go home because my mom is calling me to go home. It is so embarrassing and the fact that i am a guy! How can i go for dating if my mom is like this?

 

I don't go out often at all. Say only 2-3 days a week? Every hang out session is usually from 8pm and before 12am. If i were to go out in the afternoon around 4pm and would not be home by 10pm, she would call me already. Come on, give me a break! It is so suffocating...

 

My mom is really controlling over me. My 1st brother don't really go out much. So, she doesn't really care about what time he comes back. For your information, only me and 2nd brother lives at home. My 2nd brother is 36 this year. When he was younger, he has gone through what i am facing right now.

 

I have confronted her nicely regarding on this issue. I have explained myself why i need to come back late. She is a hardheaded type of person. So, whatever i explain to her, she would not agree to it. Definitely it is frustrating. There was once i told her that i am gonna go for a movie at 9.30pm. Normally, in Malaysia there would be advertisements for 15 minutes before the movie starts. Assuming the movie will start at 9.45pm. I then told my mom i will be back by 11.45pm. So, apparently the movie started at 10pm because of the extra 15 minutes on the ads. And i came back late... Man, she was furious as hell when she started to call to ask where am i. I remembered her words clearly; 'where are you? where are you watching your movie? what movie are you even watching?'. It was around 12am when she called. She didn't listen to me when i told her that there was a delay on the movie and she kept on going saying it was all excuses.

 

What can i do?

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Put a diaper on, take a steamy plopper and tell her to change you. If she's going to treat you like a baby, you might as well act like one. No doubt that she already cooks your meals, puts a roof over your head, etc.

 

Obviously, what you do is strike out on your own.

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The best solution is fairly straightforward - move out. I understand that in your culture it is normal for people to live with their parents until they get married, but this is simply a norm, not the law. You can still choose to live on your own. For as long as you live under your parents' roof, they will treat you as a child, and there isn't much that you can do about it.

 

Do you have a full time job?

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The question is...WHY are you living at home?

 

And think of it this way, if you owned your own home, then would you not want to have control over what happens in it?

 

Sorry. IMO as long as you live at home, then you follow the rules of the home. And the owner of the home gets to set them. If you want to make enough money to afford your own home and become "an adult," then feel free to do so.

 

Yes, I say that as a parent. Certain freedoms are given to children as they get older. But still there are rules in every home that should be followed.

 

In yours, it is a curfew that seems unreasonable. When I was in my twenties and still at home, this was one that I did not like either. So I got my own place and lived it up staying out until 3 in the morning. As a result, I got sick. Seriously. My body was so tired. :o

 

I learned and gave myself a much more reasonable curfew...which was inline with what my folks had given me. :D

 

And yes, until you have your own children, you cannot understand how even as they become adults, you will worry about them when they are not home at the time they tell you. So many things can happen even if they don't that parents' minds run wild.

 

What can you do?

 

Live at home and enjoy the luxury of free living with the "burden" of parents that care, or...

 

Move out, pay your own bills, and enjoy the freedom that you will give yourself, until you realize that controls are in place for our own good.

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I moved out at around the OP's age and several years later, I still think it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. :) There's a huge difference between you setting a time limit for yourself, and your parents setting a curfew for you. Besides the principle of things and the freedom it represents, your own limits can be tweaked to one that is reasonable for you. In the OP's example, if he were to avoid the wrath of his mother, he would need to eschew the movie with friends entirely, as there would otherwise be no way of getting back 15 minutes earlier. On the other hand, if it was a self-assigned limit, reasonably speaking the 15 minutes wouldn't make too much of a difference.

 

Even if the OP later decides that he wants to set a 11.30pm limit for himself (and frankly I don't know anyone who does, despite having many successful professionals in my social circle - staying out late one or two nights a week never really hurt anyone), it would still be worth moving out. You aren't really an adult until you make your own decisions for your own life.

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When I read the thread title - my first reaction was that you can move out.

But I read your OP thinking there might be something more to it. My first reaction still stands - move out!

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I then told my mom i will be back by 11.45pm. So, apparently the movie started at 10pm because of the extra 15 minutes on the ads. And i came back late... Man, she was furious

I'm going to assume that your mom okayed the extra 15 minutes without any big problem or hassle. If that's the case...

It sounds like she's just really worried about something -- your physical safety, or that you aren't responsible enough to make sound, adult decisions and choices when you're by yourself and/or with your friends, or whatever it might be.

 

So, you need to find out - through having an open, honest conversation with her - what are her exact biggest concerns, and see if/how the two of you can work together to allay her fears.

Also, ask her if she thinks going out 2 or 3 times a week is excessive, or if it would make any difference if you only went out once or twice a week. You need to find out what she thinks and what her fears are -- even if YOU think it's unreasonable, you still have to find a way to live within her parameters and boundaries.

 

Best of luck.

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I'm going to assume that your mom okayed the extra 15 minutes without any big problem or hassle. If that's the case...

 

I got that too. It isn't all about being unreasonable. While an early curfew may seem strange to some, there could be a reason for it.

 

What "children" don't realize until they become parents is that no matter the age, we are always still their children. At some point, we begin to realize they are adults, but we don't stop worrying about them or wanting the best for them.

 

In my case, it took moving out to get to the point that I was an adult both in their eyes and mine. Plus it taught me that being an adult is not about no longer having curfews and having complete freedom. It taught me responsibility and the realization that I still needed curfews and rules, even if they were set by me.

 

Now decades later, I still set curfews for myself and left my CHILDREN know when I will be home. :laugh: And I expect the same from them.

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I have talked to her numerous times regarding on the curfew issue. She is a very stubborn person. No matter what you explain to her, she would just not listen to your explanation. So, it is useless. As what everyone else said, best choice is to move out! Haha

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I have talked to her numerous times regarding on the curfew issue. She is a very stubborn person. No matter what you explain to her, she would just not listen to your explanation. So, it is useless. As what everyone else said, best choice is to move out! Haha

 

Really though, it's not just about the curfew. Moving out will benefit your life in far more ways than that.

 

Good luck. :)

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I have talked to her numerous times regarding on the curfew issue.

STOP thinking in terms of and talking only about your own perceived issue/problem, and START learning about your mom's.

(For her, it's most likely not just about a 'curfew issue'; it's in your own best interest to find out if there's a bigger issue that makes her worry, and, then, you need to address her higher-level concerns and fears -- from her perspective. As I tried to say in my previous post. :).)

 

Of course, moving out is the goal and plan; the thing is to try to work towards a mutually-acceptable compromise for the meantime.

 

Best of luck.

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My children are 23, 18, and 15. Here in the U.S., 18 is a legal adult. In theory, a legal adult can come and go as they please. Just not living in my house. :)

 

It's not a control issue for me. It's a sleep issue. I don't sleep well listening for someone to come home late and I have early morning obligations, so I have an 11:30 pm curfew, too. Anyone who doesn't want to abide by that curfew is free to move out. Both of my oldest children have left home and that is working for us much better then them living here.

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What would happen if you put your phone on silent while you're out and didn't pick up her calls? Maybe your mom keeps being so stubborn because you haven't stood up to her yet.

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My family was like this - I never opposed (partially out of fear), and was never going out basically until I finished college (so about your age).

 

And then ... packed a couple of suitcases, kissed everyone goodbye and migrated to the West :) Now 10 years and 2 continents later - problem is solved.

 

The ironic part is I don't go out much because I'm pretty introverted and don't have the need anyway... But it is still liberating to know that nobody is watching me if I want to.

 

So OP - my advice is - if you want independence - earn it! Work for it! Find a study, a job - move out. Take care of yourself and leave the blames on your parents and culture behind you.

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What would happen if you put your phone on silent while you're out and didn't pick up her calls? Maybe your mom keeps being so stubborn because you haven't stood up to her yet.

 

This is not "standing up to her." This IMO is being irresponsible and immature. Being accountable to someone does not make someone passive and weak. The issue seems to arise when he comes home later when she expects him earlier.

 

It would be better to "stand up to her" by answering and giving a time when you will be home, and then sticking to it. When my kids have done this, then I am fine. The simple contact lets me know they are fine and a few extra minutes or even hour, will be okay.

 

The fact that my kids always have a phone on and with them is a huge reassurance. It applies to me and my wife as well. It is a reassurance to them, knowing I can be reached at any time.

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What would happen if you put your phone on silent while you're out and didn't pick up her calls? Maybe your mom keeps being so stubborn because you haven't stood up to her yet.

 

This is terrible advice.

 

His mother isn't being "stubborn". She's enforcing her house rules as is her right as homeowner.

 

Other than that, who pays the cell bill? If I paid the bill and my adult kid refused to answer my calls or be in before curfew, said kid would find the locks changed and their cell service cut off with a quickness.

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No matter the adult age..Remain accountable.

 

This includes with relatives.

 

I'm sure the objective goal is to main autonomy in a place that is home to each.

 

Listen to one another and compromise when it aides the over all well being.

 

I didn't leave home...Home has often been a state of mind :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think the best thing to do is just to suck it up and move out if you have the financial means to do so. This might not always be possible (for example, if you live in a city where rent is really high), but at least try to plan financially so that you'll have the means to do so.

 

My dad drives me crazy. He's fine in small doses, but I can't stand him for more than 12 hours. I'm grateful that he raised me when I was younger, but after my mom died and he retired, he literally became like the annoying roommate who mooches your food, borrows your stuff, and walks in on you in the shower. Every time I go back for a visit he always gets upset because I'm leaving too early, but his apartment is a wreck since he never throws things out or gets things fixed when they break; he goes and finds a quick fix solution that doesn't really work, because he doesn't want to wait for the repairman.

 

I realized the only way to preserve my sanity was to move out.

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  • 1 month later...
IndigoNight

I have two adult children (19 and 24) at home, and they have a curfew. It is unreasonable for them to stumble in at all hours waking their father and I up. We both work, as do our kids. Their schedules are more flexible than hours, so yes, we do require them to be home at a reasonable time. If they want to stay out all night, they call home to let us know.

 

Our alarm goes off at 4 a.m., so chances are good that our dogs getting excited at 2 a.m. when one of the kids gets home will not go over well. Their social life should not intrude on our ability to get a decent night of sleep.

 

On rare occasions, for special events, their curfew is extended. They talk to us in advance, and let us know what is going on. They have never taken advantage of their curfew, even when encouraged to do so by their friends.

They respect us, and we respect them. Not because we have to, or demand it, but because we have all earned the respect of one another.

 

Until they are in a financial situation that allows them to live on their own, it is still 'our house, our rules.' They both respect this, and are working towards being financially stable. They also thank us for allowing them more time to get on their feet. They both have friends who were kicked out at 18, and some of them are homeless, or have ended up in bad situations with drugs, etc.

 

OP, instead of confronting mom and trying to force her to understand that she is hampering your freedom, try appreciating that she still cares enough to put a roof over your head, and feed you. Many parents truly believe their obligation to provide for their child ends at 18. Sad, but true.

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