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Moms words are discouraging


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Old 5th January 2017, 9:35 AM   #1
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Moms words are discouraging

I'm very close to my mom (i'm in my 30's)but it seems that every time I meet someone, she is very supportive and then when time goes on, she tries to break them down how I could do better, and these are things based on what she sees, i do not talk bad about him.
"you are too pretty for him"
"he needs to help you more around the house, why hasn't he completed xyz task" (small projects at home)
"I only want whats best for you"
"you need help financially and I don't see him as a provider"

She helped me leave a bad situation with my ex who had a lot of $$, I told myself I was going to find a healthy relationship regardless of how much money they made. My boyfriend recently was laid off of his job of 20 years but i don't hold that against him. We do not live together and don't depend on each other i just find my moms words extremely discouraging as she is my biggest support team. I have dated after my ex and she would break the men down and then after time went on she would say "he wasn't that bad, you need x y z qualities from him and find them in the next man".
I told her she is crossing boundaries so please stop I'm not leaving him, im happy and that's all that matters he is wonderful to me and my kids, nobody is perfect out there. I want a relationship with her and ignore her "suggestions" it just seems to be getting worse the longer i stay (10 months, the longest I've been with someone in 4 years).

Any advice?
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Old 5th January 2017, 9:43 AM   #2
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As a mother of a 29 years old I can understand 'part' of your mom's concerns.

Often moms see things you don't.

I notice you said you're in your early 30s and your boyfriend lost a job of 20 years, how old is he? Could your mom have a problem with his age? I always had problems my daughter dating men I considered too old for her.
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Old 5th January 2017, 9:49 AM   #3
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We are 11 years apart. In fact my parents were 23 years apart (my dad was older than her parents) So i don't think that's an issue. She thinks he can be more helpful at this point as other men have helped me with small projects at an earlier time, which he *does* but at a slower pace, I've chalked that up to him having kids vs the others did not. But I'm not sure just clouded at this point.
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Old 5th January 2017, 10:10 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IfonlyIknew View Post
We are 11 years apart. In fact my parents were 23 years apart (my dad was older than her parents) So i don't think that's an issue. She thinks he can be more helpful at this point as other men have helped me with small projects at an earlier time, which he *does* but at a slower pace, I've chalked that up to him having kids vs the others did not. But I'm not sure just clouded at this point.
My ex-h was older than I and that is not what I wanted for my daughter. So even if your parents had an age difference it doesn't mean that's what she wants for you.

Back to your issue. I do sometimes invade my daughter with my opinion. I remember this one time I was too critical of her new boyfriend so she told me she would stop talking to me about her relationship. She still visited me, we still spoke every day but each time I asked how is Joe-blow? she'd remind me 'nope! mom remember I am not telling you anything'. It actually did the trick and finally after a few weeks I told her I missed her confining in me and I promised I would not be critical anymore. It took a while but she tested me, I passed, and now we're back at sharing everything.
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Old 5th January 2017, 10:12 AM   #5
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Tell your mom that she lived her life as she intended and now it's your turn. You have the right to make your mistakes just like she did.
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Old 5th January 2017, 10:48 AM   #6
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Deja vu

Quote:
Originally Posted by IfonlyIknew View Post
I'm very close to my mom (i'm in my 30's)but it seems that every time I meet someone, she is very supportive and then when time goes on, she tries to break them down how I could do better, and these are things based on what she sees, i do not talk bad about him.

I told her she is crossing boundaries so please stop I'm not leaving him, im happy and that's all that matters he is wonderful to me and my kids, nobody is perfect out there. I want a relationship with her and ignore her "suggestions" it just seems to be getting worse the longer i stay (10 months, the longest I've been with someone in 4 years).

Any advice?
Have that boundaries talk with her again. And again. And again, until she gets it. If she doesn't get it, start limiting contact with her before the relationship gets really toxic. If I had drawn a stronger line with my mother in my 30's, I wouldn't be struggling now in my 50's, trying to remain civil to someone for whom I'll be making end-of-life decisions soon. My mother is now starting to decline and can't understand the distance I've created between us, but also won't keep her incredibly negative mouth shut about my significant other. I guess I'm lucky she's not openly hostile to my guy, like she is to my brother's wife.

Seriously, draw that line, talk to your mom again and say the subject of your life partner is off the table from now on. If she brings him up, abruptly change the subject so that it is perfectly clear you will not engage in that topic or entertain her input. Hopefully, your mother is more emotionally astute than mine and will take the hint instead of getting uglier about it. Good luck, be strong.
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