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My mum is moving away


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Old 1st January 2017, 4:51 AM   #1
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My mum is moving away

Hi there

So yesterday my mum told me at dinner that she is moving away. She's been with a guy who lives 4 hours away for 3 years and they have been doing the LDR thing because they both had a lot of commitments in their own area.

I was at Uni near to my Mum at first and my grandparents are unwell so my mum looks out for them a lot. His parents were also elderly and ill and he used to help out with them- but his Dad passed away last year.

Whenever they were talking before about it- then I kind of got the impression that they would eventually move in together down here. He visits here most weekends- mum has only been up to him a handful of times. She has more friends and family down here and a well paid job (for being female).

But they have decided to sell up both places and buy a house up North where he lives because it's cheaper and his job is better paid. 😭

I understand it. I mean I would never stop her doing anything like that. But I am really upset. I knew it was on the cards but I'd just put it in the back of my mind. I thought I would be more settled by the time it happened. When they first mentioned it about 18 months ago it wasn't such an issue as I was preparing to move myself to live with my ex BF who had moved for work and I was going to have a new start anyway. Well I got dumped a year ago and had to start again with life plans.

So I got offered a qualified position to start in August (I'm a pharmacist) in a small coastal area. I was excited. It was a new start and I needed it. I moved about 1hr 20 away from home. But it hasn't really worked out.

I haven't enjoyed the job, I've been used and abused by the company. Basically always working, days off get cancelled, travel all the time etc. And I haven't settled at all in this place. I've worked in 21 different stores now and didn't even get a single christmas party invite- because you aren't a permanent person. There are no meet up groups in the area. Very few young people around who are "switched on" enough for conversation. I basically just see a lot of "down and out" young people on antidepressants and recovering from addictions.

So I decided enough was enough- applied for another job on another new area. Going to work at a hospital which is only about 40 mins away from "home". I'm going to move back towards where I am from etc. And I just liked the fact that my mum would be nearer me again. We were really close when she was single. I rely on her a bit.

So now I'm trying to force myself to grow up more and deal with things. But I am just feeling a bit lost. I have to pack up everything in my mum's house (I only partially moved stuff out) and suddenly deal with being a "real adult". And I really feel all over the place.

If you got through the rambling- congratulations. It was a bit of a mind explosion!
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Old 1st January 2017, 7:39 AM   #2
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How old are you ?

Do you have any job prospects where your mom is moving? If she is your only family then of course it's going to be hard on you. You will grow up fast in this time, which is in a way good thing.
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Old 1st January 2017, 8:38 AM   #3
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I'm 23. I won't be moving with her. I start a new job at a hospital down South next month. But I'm a bit behind in terms of life and where I should be independence wise because I was at Uni and training for 5 years to be a pharmacist. I've only been qualified and working since August.

It always used to be just me and my mum so this feels hard. My dad moved abroad to Germany when I was 16, so I see him once maybe twice a year. I don't have any siblings. Most of my friends live across the country too- everyone kind of moved for work. I'm trying to get out there and meet new people but I do struggle with it. I have one friend in the new area I moved to. But again- I'll be moving for my new job.

I guess it was just nice to know that my mum was still at "home" and that I still had a reference point as "home" when I have felt so lost and all over the place for the last few years.
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Old 1st January 2017, 9:08 AM   #4
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I'm sorry to hear that, OP. Honestly though, and I mean no offense, this might possibly be for the better? You are 23 and have a job - it's time to fly the nest regardless of what your mum does. You can always call her, visit her regularly, and such... but you have to learn to live by yourself someday, and now is as good a time as any.

Plus you're moving to a new place next month. An adventure! Put as much effort as you can into meeting new people. Having a social circle can really help.

Good luck! Striking out on your own is always scary at first, but in a few years from now I really think you'll look back and marvel at how much you've grown as a person. That only really starts once you live separately from your mum IMO.
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Old 1st January 2017, 1:31 PM   #5
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Thanks Elswyth. I really do appreciate your replies.

I don't live at home now. I moved 50 miles away in August. But I just haven't settled so I liked the thought that home was still there and it was easy to go back to see my mum and catch up with friends etc.

Starting another new job in yet another new town means I have to force myself to settle and stay there.

I'm just feeling a bit lost, lonely and scared. Like usually you become an "adult" and move away from your parents. Instead I feel like I'm failing at the whole "adulting" malarkey and both my parents have moved away from me.

I guess I will be alright. It will force me to be ok. But I'm still just feeling really upset that I won't have a "home".
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Old 2nd January 2017, 7:56 AM   #6
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Be careful that because of loneliness, you don't date a guy who isn't right for you and get taken advantage of. Take care
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Old 2nd January 2017, 1:08 PM   #7
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Surely there are jobs for pharmacists near where they are moving?

If not, then I would decide what place I'd dream of living, go there, and start a new life. Find meetup groups, join a club in something you enjoy, volunteer somewhere, make new friends, and create your new life.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 5:27 PM   #8
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I have no intention of moving with my mum- it's her life. Her choices etc. I don't fit in with that plan.

I just have to see how my next move for my new job goes. I start in a few weeks. Working at a hospital should be more social than my current job.

In early 2016 I had dreams of moving to America, and a lot of that has come flooding back now. But it's not something I can consider yet.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 7:12 PM   #9
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Why not? Why can't you?
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Old 2nd January 2017, 10:04 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penguin_hugs View Post
I have no intention of moving with my mum- it's her life. Her choices etc. I don't fit in with that plan.

I just have to see how my next move for my new job goes. I start in a few weeks. Working at a hospital should be more social than my current job.

In early 2016 I had dreams of moving to America, and a lot of that has come flooding back now. But it's not something I can consider yet.
Definitely don't move to be with your mum. Crossing my fingers that you'll meet some great people in your new workplace!

AFAIK the US doesn't recognize UK pharmacy degrees. In the US I think they need PharmD's. Also it might be worth considering if you still want to live in the US considering the way 2016 has panned out there, despite how bad the UK NHS is getting, but I digress...

If you really want to move to a different country, as far as I know other European countries, some Asian countries, and Australia/NZ are easier to switch to.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 7:07 AM   #11
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I did look in to conversions a few months ago- it is possible- but I have to sit a lot of exams and redo my prereg/internship. So I would need a lot of money behind me first- also to get a green card etc. I have an idea to complete my clinical diploma at the hospital (it's an extra qualification I can get here) and then see about going for 6 months and stay with family- work for them in something non pharmacy related etc and see what my prospects are like. I'd love to work at a university- which is why I want to do the diploma too.

I'm just seeing how things go in America currently! It's likely for it to be even harder for me to go now- even though I have family connections. But the UK isn't much better. I hate the "Brexit attitude" that I see a lot now. I was a firm remainer and it's horrible to see how a lot of my European friends are treated now.

My mum told the rest of the family she is moving at a family celebration yesterday (for something else). I kept pretty quiet. I don't feel like I can speak about it properly yet. I won't oppose it etc- but I'm not going to be fake happy, gushing about how great it is.

Feel like it has really hit me and I feel really rough. Got a vestibular migraine today and had to call in sick to work as I'm too dizzy to drive- and it was a 3 hour driving commute to where they were sending me today.
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Old 16th April 2017, 8:06 AM   #12
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Update: I'm struggling at the moment

Hi there

I did the stupid thing of ignoring that this was happening in my head and trying not to face it- and I feel like it has all just blown up now.

My Mum has been redecorating the house and plans to put it on the market to sell in about 2 weeks. I've gone back this weekend for various events and to try and clear out some of my stuff.

Yesterday at a family friend's wedding Mum was telling everyone about how the decorating was going and their plans etc. Pretty much nothing else was discussed. And I just felt like I had to swallow down the emotions constantly. I disappeared out to the toilets a few times for a break because I don't want to get upset around her- because she is really happy. I feel like she doesn't talk about anything else now. She was either talking about moving to other people, having private conversations with her partner or when I spoke to her- her eyes kind of glazed over and she just went back to talking to her partner. I found it really tough to be the odd one out at a small wedding. I was the only single person there and just felt like a third wheel to everyone- as people get very couply at weddings.

Today I am sorting out a lot of stuff and I am very upset. I can't stop crying and I don't want my mum to see that I am upset. So I managed to hide away most of it when I was showering-and then shut the bedroom door while sorting through stuff. Mum thinks I am just being rude and ignoring her I think- she got a bit stroppy earlier. She said that she was pouring tea downstairs and to join them. So I went down- trying so hard not to be crying in front of them and after 10 mins they still hadn't come in to the lounge with tea so I went back up to continue clearing my room. She came up- and was really annoyed that I hadn't stayed downstairs waiting for them and then saw how red in the face I was and basically got annoyed that I was getting upset about packing and clearing stuff out.

I explained it wasn't that- and that obviously I am upset about her going- but I don't want her to see that. I told her obviously I understand why she is going-I wouldn't try and stop her- but that I am finding it tough. I'm feeling abandoned by everyone (my Dad emigrated 8 years ago), my mum is leaving and so is my best friend (who I am a little hacked off that he told me by whatsapp that he was going...). And I am finding it hard that all I hear from her is about her moving.

We just had this kind of standoff where she stared while I had silent tears. I never really talk back to my mum. She started going on about how last year I wanted to move abroad and I'd have left her. And that it would help if I found a boyfriend... really not helpful.

I'm struggling again about my breakup 15 months ago. When my ex also abandoned me for his career. And I feel a lot of anger now that he has kind of left me in this situation where all my life plans have had to change. Dating is lousy. I feel like the rejection from dating isn't bouncing off of me like it used to. And my friends are all coupled up and being successful and moving on. I've even moved to a new job and everyone is coupled up and not interested in doing things together.

I know this is long. I don't expect people to read and comment- but I just had to post to get some things off my chest as I just don't know who to talk to currently.
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Old 16th April 2017, 11:54 AM   #13
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Sorry you are having such a hard time OP. I left home at 16 and lived completely independent of my parents regarding finances and responsibilities and such. By the time I was 23 I was raising my own kids, yet I was still very attached to my mother, spoke to her everyday and saw her several times a month. I too would have felt sad and abandoned had she decided to move very far away at that time although it wouldn't have been wrong of her to do so.

Its too bad that your mom didn't respond better when you opened up to her about how you are feeling. She should have given you a big mom hug, wiped away your tears and assured you that you would still each other, that you were welcome to visit, etc. I think she possibly has some guilty feelings about leaving you and that's why she became defensive rather than comforting you.

Nothing is forever OP. Maybe your mom and her boyfriend will move back sometime in the future. Right now your mom is excited by the prospect of starting a new life in a new place but after awhile she might start missing you and her old life more than she thought she would. Not that I'm wishing unhappiness on your mom but I just know from experience that moving away rarely ends up being the exciting new life people think it's going to be. Hope you feel better soon.
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