Jump to content

Meeting his kids


jll07

Recommended Posts

My boyfriend and I have known each other for many years. There was always something between us but we were both married to others. My marriage ended. We ran into each other and the connection between us began to grow. After a few months, he left his family. His ex gave intimate details to his teenage children about why their father was leaving. He and his children see each other about once a month but its still strained.

 

 

I briefly met the younger child (16) a few times. But we stopped that interaction because his ex claimed it was troublesome for the child. I have not met the older child (17).

 

 

We have been together for a year. We plan on marrying. We are well aware that we didn't start our relationship properly. But we are committed to making our life together work. Its a struggle for both of us that I am not ever around his children. He has built a wonderful relationship with my children. We really don't know where to go from here?

 

 

How do we make the introduction and make it in the least awkward manner as possible? What does he say to them, what do I say to them? Should I apologize for breaking up their family?

Link to post
Share on other sites

He made the choice to leave. They are old enough to decide how they feel on the situation and there isn't much you can do about that. Just be positive and supportive, don't get into details with them. Make the experience meeting them fun where they can walk away thinking "wow she is really nice" they'll notice how you treat their dad especially.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How long ago did your boyfriend leave his wife? His kids are old enough to know if they want anything to do with you or not and if they don't then they don't.

 

Since you two are not married and are only bf/gf there is really no reason or need for you to be heavily involved with his children and you should not be letting him be overly involved in your childrens' lives either.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Its been a year since he left his family. We are currently only boyfriend/girlfriend but will be married in the next 18 months.

 

 

My children are all over 18 and have very good relationships with my boyfriend. And they will continue to grow this relationship. We both want the same type of relationship between me and his kids. But we know it probably wont be so easy.

 

 

We are both good parents. Family is important to us, we want to blend our families eventually so we need to start somewhere.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If the kids and their mother were really hurt by your bf leaving then it's going to take a heck of a lot longer than a year for them to want anything to do with you.

 

Your bf should be most focused on repairing his relationship with his kids right now. Forcing you on them would be a really bad idea. They cannot be rushed into this. They might accept you a few more years down the road.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't bank on a happy blended family, that takes years to build, especially due the your circumstances of how you two got together. Their kids have a mother already, so it's not like they're looking for a replacement mom.

 

Don't rush it, their kids need to decide when they want to meet you.

 

Also, their mom has every right to tell them the truth as to why he left the family unit. To be with you. 16 year olds aren't stupid, they probably would have figured it out on their own. Don't blame their mom, his ex wife for this.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes I used the words claimed because there was a discussion with the child And his version was much different that hers.

 

 

I don't blame the mother for telling the kids the truth. What I do blame her for is how she did it. Instead of sitting them down and talking to them, she went on a rant and showed them pictures that teenagers should never see. She gave them details of private matters. I don't want to be their mom, they have a mom, I want to be acknowledged as their dads wife that's it.

 

 

Im looking for advice on how to make that introduction, where, when and how do you really know its the right time?

Link to post
Share on other sites
isolatedgothic

What does their dad want? Is he ready to introduce them to you? Is he wanting to give it more time?

 

I feel like it is important for their father to stay humble with the kids. In other words, he needs to allow the kids time to mourn, to be upset, and to heal. Their feelings need to be honored, because it sounds as though it was a very traumatic event for them, without placing blame on anyone. It's their road, and their path, and that needs to be honored.

 

They will make up their own minds and form their own opinions. Your job is to be positive, caring, and like their dad, honor their feelings. I think they will end up respecting you more if you do not push the blended family issue. I think a happily blended family is what all of us want when we remarry, but it doesn't always happen. It can be encouraged, though. Your job is to smile and be pleasant and accept with grace whatever the kids decide at their own individual pace. Granted, they shouldn't be allowed to be disrespectful [that will be their father's job to handle], but this has been traumatic for them, from the sounds of it. Go slowly!!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

YOUR relationship ended cleanly, his did not.

 

So to his kids YOU were the "marriage wrecker", everything would be fine, their mother would not be hurt and their family would be intact if it wasn't FOR YOU.

 

YOU cannot change that, they either get over it and all is well, or they will tolerate it to a certain extent to keep the peace, or they will never get over it and hate you forever.

At this stage it is difficult to tell how it will pan out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
YOUR relationship ended cleanly, his did not.

 

So to his kids YOU were the "marriage wrecker", everything would be fine, their mother would not be hurt and their family would be intact if it wasn't FOR YOU.

 

As one who has been an adult child in a similar situation, I can tell you that it really hurts. I had such anger and resentment toward my father and his new girlfriend. Things have come together more now, but it has been 5 years. So, I think the answer to your question is time....

 

Keep your relationship separate from the kids. Don't pressure them to accept your relationship or spend time with the two of you together. Encourage their father to spend time with his kids and develop a relationship that is separate from your relationship and the "family" relationship. This is REALLY important... If they feel secure with their relationship with their dad, it will allow them to even consider accepting you into their lives. If they have a strained relationship with their dad, it will be so much harder. And when you do see them, be positive, friendly, and don't place any expectations on the children.

 

It takes time for any blended family to come together, at the best of times. Given how your relationship began, the age of the children, and the possible influence of their mother who has been hurt by your relationship, you should expect that it will take even longer.... If it ever really comes together. My best friend was also in a similar situation... Her father didn't handle things well and she has never accepted this woman and her relationship with her father has been very strained.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes I used the words claimed because there was a discussion with the child And his version was much different that hers.

 

 

I don't blame the mother for telling the kids the truth. What I do blame her for is how she did it. Instead of sitting them down and talking to them, she went on a rant and showed them pictures that teenagers should never see. She gave them details of private matters. I don't want to be their mom, they have a mom, I want to be acknowledged as their dads wife that's it.

 

 

Im looking for advice on how to make that introduction, where, when and how do you really know its the right time?

 

Sadly, when a person is deceived and stabbed in the back they often don't respond in the most mature and reasonable fashion. That's the chance we take when we decide to be deceitful and disloyal. By reading your other posts it seems that the BW was never told the truth, she was left to figure it out for herself. I'm not saying what she told and showed her kids was okay, I'm just saying she alone isn't to blame. She may have been wrong to show her kids pictures but there shouldn't have been any pictures to show them in the first place.

 

It's kind of like the difference between walking down the street and suddenly being attacked by some unknown vicious dog verses being attacked only after one has chosen to go to go into the dogs yard, poking and taunting, throwing rocks and kicking the dog. In the first scenario the victim of the attack would probably get tons of sympathy, not so much in the second scenario. It always simply amazes me when cheaters get all indignant and judgemental when the betrayed spouse loses it and reacts to the horrible pain inflicted on them. Again I'm not saying that betrayed spouses should not be responsible for their own actions, just that their cheating spouse and affair partner should be the last people casting judgement and blame.

 

You want his kids to acknowledge you as their dad's wife, but you are not his wife so you are putting the cart before the horse. Is he even divorced yet? I think you are expecting way too much too soon. His kids are old enough to decide for themselves when they are ready to give you a place in their family. It may take a few years or it may take many years. It may be never. They are not obligated to make your dreams of happily ever after come true. Just focus on your own family and let your boyfriends kids process this the way they want to.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

And if I may, my father moved quickly and wanted to marry this other woman two years after the break up with my family... At the time, I remember thinking about what I would do if I was asked to attend a wedding/be part of a wedding. The thought was very upsetting to me. I had decided that I would do my best to attend, but I was hoping and praying that they didn't ask me to participate. It may seem like it's been a long time and it may be a happy occasion to you. But, for me, it was like another death. I was greiving the loss of my family. A wedding was not something to celebrate for me at that time.

 

It would be now. But, not two years after the event when my relationship with my dad was strained and I was still very upset about the loss of my family unit.

 

I share this not in judgment, but just to help you understand what the children may be feeling. Their perspective is likely very, very different than yours...

 

And if I may, I often heard that it was their life and they had every right to be happy. I was told that it was my problem and that I just needed to accept the relationship. I agree, however I say that it is important to remember that you have every right to your happiness... But not at the expense of others. These are children who have lost their family unit in a rather traumatic way (for them). It has altered their relationship with their father forever. Just be aware of that... The decisions that you have made have changed their lives too, forever...

Edited by BaileyB
Link to post
Share on other sites
Im looking for advice on how to make that introduction, where, when and how do you really know its the right time?

 

well... the kids are old(er). that is actually a plus! no, i don't think you should apologize to them - unless they start THAT conversation. you can discuss that once you know each other better - now, in the beginning... you should keep it light. their father needs to repair his relationship with them 1st, otherwise... they might feel like he comes packaged with you & that he doesn't really give importance to just their relationship. he should definitely see them more than once a month, for starters. the father should invite them to some kind of dinner at your house, they'll meet you there. take it slow and easy, get to know them on some basic stuff - what do they do, what do they like... move from there: go see some movies together, picnics... stuff like that.

 

there is NEVER the RIGHT time. you gotta create the right time yourself because if you keep waiting for it - you'll probably wait forever. sure, you SHOULD wait some reasonable amount of time and that depends on the kids age & how they reacted to the situation: their father should be able to determine what is enough time for them to adapt. you also need to be aware of the fact that they might never accept you, especially because they're older and soon... they'll move into apartments of their own, colleges... so you won't have the typical stepparent - stepchild bonding time you might have if the kids were younger. they simply won't be around much longer and the dad is seeing them VERY rarely already, so... be careful. if they don't accept you and you move in and marry their dad - they might start avoiding you and the dad alltogether and not coming EVER. that's all a possibility!

 

i've seen families work like that, too - the wife and adult kids do not have any contact and... it works out for them. so you might have to make it work for you, too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi! Wow! Do I know about this topic! I am a step mom of 2 girls and a mom of 2 girls whose dad died. My new husband was divorced. His ex lives in the same town so it was easier for them to share the girls. When my husband and I met 10 years ago we dated first and then we all met up together at a water park. My girls were 3yr, 9yrs his were 10yr and 14yr. It went pretty well and was easy to get a long. The problem comes if you try to be their mother or even a friend before they are ready you get rejected. Just because their dad loves you doesn't mean that they will. I have found the best thing to do is keep trying and keep inviting them to do things with you. 9 times you may get a "no" answer but the 10th time you may get a "yes." Being there when they need something or remembering them on birthdays and holidays is as close as I have gotten over 10 years! But I am hopeful that as they get older they will see how I have tried to get to know them and be a friend to them and we can have some kind of relationship. It may be harder with girls because they are no longer his #1 princess once you get married. To have confidence in God and who he has made me to be and what my role is in their lives has helped me a lot. I will be thinking of you! Being a step mom is a calling I think and not everyone can do it well. Don't give up!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi! Wow! Do I know about this topic! I am a step mom of 2 girls and a mom of 2 girls whose dad died. My new husband was divorced. His ex lives in the same town so it was easier for them to share the girls. When my husband and I met 10 years ago we dated first and then we all met up together at a water park. My girls were 3yr, 9yrs his were 10yr and 14yr. It went pretty well and was easy to get a long. The problem comes if you try to be their mother or even a friend before they are ready you get rejected. Just because their dad loves you doesn't mean that they will. I have found the best thing to do is keep trying and keep inviting them to do things with you. 9 times you may get a "no" answer but the 10th time you may get a "yes." Being there when they need something or remembering them on birthdays and holidays is as close as I have gotten over 10 years! But I am hopeful that as they get older they will see how I have tried to get to know them and be a friend to them and we can have some kind of relationship. It may be harder with girls because they are no longer his #1 princess once you get married. To have confidence in God and who he has made me to be and what my role is in their lives has helped me a lot. I will be thinking of you! Being a step mom is a calling I think and not everyone can do it well. Don't give up!!!!

 

It's easier to have blended families when it has nothing to do with an affair. Sounds like your situation didn't involve cheating, betrayal and leaving a spouse for another person.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
MissPriss2017

I, too, don't understand why the betrayed spouse is always expected to take the high road - and it's usually expected by those who took anything but the high road. Very hypocritical.

 

OP, you might want to watch real closely how this guy treated his wife - and ultimately his family - with his lying and leaving the wife and kids to have to find out about the affair after he was safely out with all his assets.

 

I kind of wouldn't be surprised if these kids never really felt good about this relationship or their father's complete lack of integrity. I know you're looking for advice on how to eventually integrate them into your life and find a common ground with them, but the sad truth is, you can't rewrite your history. You can't. That may always taint their perception of you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I, too, don't understand why the betrayed spouse is always expected to take the high road - and it's usually expected by those who took anything but the high road. Very hypocritical.

 

OP, you might want to watch real closely how this guy treated his wife - and ultimately his family - with his lying and leaving the wife and kids to have to find out about the affair after he was safely out with all his assets.

 

I kind of wouldn't be surprised if these kids never really felt good about this relationship or their father's complete lack of integrity. I know you're looking for advice on how to eventually integrate them into your life and find a common ground with them, but the sad truth is, you can't rewrite your history. You can't. That may always taint their perception of you.

 

 

 

Honestly don't really care how she reacts to the situation when it comes to me or him. I do care how she handles it with the kids. When the courts condemn her for how she is reacting, then I would think its not just us who have a problem with it.

 

 

You assume that his ex wife was the perfect spouse. You assume that he was a horrible man for following his heart. You assume he doesn't have any integrity because he ended his marriage to be with someone else. You have made a lot of assumption to belittle our situation instead of offering suggestions on how to help the situation. We understand what we did wasn't exactly the right way to start a relationship. But this is where we are now and we want to make it better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hi! Wow! Do I know about this topic! I am a step mom of 2 girls and a mom of 2 girls whose dad died. My new husband was divorced. His ex lives in the same town so it was easier for them to share the girls. When my husband and I met 10 years ago we dated first and then we all met up together at a water park. My girls were 3yr, 9yrs his were 10yr and 14yr. It went pretty well and was easy to get a long. The problem comes if you try to be their mother or even a friend before they are ready you get rejected. Just because their dad loves you doesn't mean that they will. I have found the best thing to do is keep trying and keep inviting them to do things with you. 9 times you may get a "no" answer but the 10th time you may get a "yes." Being there when they need something or remembering them on birthdays and holidays is as close as I have gotten over 10 years! But I am hopeful that as they get older they will see how I have tried to get to know them and be a friend to them and we can have some kind of relationship. It may be harder with girls because they are no longer his #1 princess once you get married. To have confidence in God and who he has made me to be and what my role is in their lives has helped me a lot. I will be thinking of you! Being a step mom is a calling I think and not everyone can do it well. Don't give up!!!!

 

 

 

Thank you for your words. I don't expect much atleast for a few years. I just want to make strides in the right direction

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
Honestly don't really care how she reacts to the situation when it comes to me or him. I do care how she handles it with the kids. When the courts condemn her for how she is reacting, then I would think its not just us who have a problem with it.

 

 

You assume that his ex wife was the perfect spouse. You assume that he was a horrible man for following his heart. You assume he doesn't have any integrity because he ended his marriage to be with someone else. You have made a lot of assumption to belittle our situation instead of offering suggestions on how to help the situation. We understand what we did wasn't exactly the right way to start a relationship. But this is where we are now and we want to make it better.

 

There's no perfect spouse..but, she IS the innocent one as he chose to leave her for you. He did that all on his own.

 

MOST kids do not warm up to the idea of having a new step mom in dad's life so soon after a family break up. I think you need to let their kids dictate when and if they want to meet you and how involved they want to be. They have every right to feel the way they do and nothing you or their dad does or says isn't going to change that. Has to happen on their own terms.

 

show his ex some respect as she will always in the picture. Hold no resentment or hate in your heart towards her. Compassion can go a long way and might make things easier in the future, especially if their kids see that you're kindhearted and not trying to push their mom out of the picture or out of their lives.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Frankly, I think you are rushing it, you are only as yet an OW of a few months turned gf of a year, and he is only one year out of a long marriage and you are now talking of a wedding and "blended families." Is he even divorced yet?

 

YOU have got your kids heavily involved here and I worry that once divorced, he may not be too keen on leaping into another marriage, especially if his kids are all upset and they will not accept you.

I can thus see why you are so determined to make this work. If you get his kids on board then it should all go swimmingly and your plans for marriage and happy ever after may just work out.

BUT you cannot "make" his kids like you, you will just have to give it time. One hint of desperation on your part and they may be gone for good. Don't spook the horses.

 

Chill out, relax, stop rushing things. If you force the issue here then you may not only lose his kids, you may lose him too.

 

Note.

YOU may have got him away from his "horrible" wife, but sometimes the "bridge" gets dumped as soon as he gains his real freedom, ie the divorce is finalised.

Be aware.

Do not put all your eggs in one basket here. Assume nothing.

His emotions will be all over the place, he is probably in no position to promise you anything yet.

Be careful.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Kids are smart, they know what's going on...

And they have long, long memories...

 

If they perceive that their father has hurt their mother through this affair and/or they have any reason to question their own relationships with their father, they will be very conflicted and they will want to protect their mother.

 

He may well have been in a very unsatisfying marriage and life may be roses now that you are "together." But I dare say, life is probably not roses for the kids who's family has just broken up and they see their father only once a month.

 

Don't rush this... Those kids will never accept you or your relationship.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
Frankly, I think you are rushing it, you are only as yet an OW of a few months turned gf of a year, and he is only one year out of a long marriage and you are now talking of a wedding and "blended families." Is he even divorced yet?

 

YOU have got your kids heavily involved here and I worry that once divorced, he may not be too keen on leaping into another marriage, especially if his kids are all upset and they will not accept you.

I can thus see why you are so determined to make this work. If you get his kids on board then it should all go swimmingly and your plans for marriage and happy ever after may just work out.

BUT you cannot "make" his kids like you, you will just have to give it time. One hint of desperation on your part and they may be gone for good. Don't spook the horses.

 

Chill out, relax, stop rushing things. If you force the issue here then you may not only lose his kids, you may lose him too.

 

Note.

YOU may have got him away from his "horrible" wife, but sometimes the "bridge" gets dumped as soon as he gains his real freedom, ie the divorce is finalised.

Be aware.

Do not put all your eggs in one basket here. Assume nothing.

His emotions will be all over the place, he is probably in no position to promise you anything yet.

Be careful.

 

Her kids are young adults, over 18 and out of the house. His kids are young teens and still need parenting. That's probably why his kids have accepted him..Then again, she was single and not leaving her husband to be with another man.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am the BW in a similar situation, tho my kids are only 7 and 13.

 

If you want to be accepted by them I think the most important thing is to not be pushy and not to go so fast with the marriage. Why 18 months? I can guarantee you that's not long enough for mom and kids to really feel like they're in their new normal. (Right now I'm exactly 2 1/2 years out from our breakup and it feels like yesterday to me and my kids and I think it's feeling rougher on them than a year ago. I'm sure it's different for older ones, but it's still huge for them.)

 

But I'll tell you all I ever hear from my kids about OW is how she and their dad are very pushy. They are desperate to have a new family and my kids are very resistant. I think ex and other woman are just building up resistance.

 

Also, someone suggested a sit down meal at your home. I really don't like that idea. I've put a lot of thought into how my kids should meet someone I'm dating and what's most important to me is that they don't feel like they've been forced into interacting. So, no invading their personal space by making them be in a room or a car or something where they might not feel like they can easily get away. I'd like it to be a larger scale social situation. Maybe a party where they can stay close and interact if they want but are free to do their own thing if they're not comfortable. Its a little different bc my kids are so much younger, but I bet his kids feel a lot of the same kind of disgust that mine do for their dad's gf.

 

And those first few meetings, especially, should be more about their needs than yours.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Also one more thing to consider about the timing of a wedding... There was an initial explosion of hurt and anger when I first discovered the OW and we broke up. I'd say that anger took a long time to start dissipating, maybe a year. Probably around a year and a half or so I started feeling much more centered, angry but not so much an angry bitter person. But I feel like he keeps reoffending -- like I am letting go of anger, but then he manages to poke at me again. Usually things relating to kids or child sharing. But also taking OW to Europe really pissed me off (not to mention the fact that he couldn't pay his child support for two months bc of it). But each of these pokes by him have really reignited me. I'd like to calm down and not be so angry. I want peace. But I'm not ready to be so reasonable about him that new offenses can slide off my back. Him getting married would be a HUGE nightmare for me. And I know that my kids would see it as a nightmare in their own right AND there's no way I'd be able to put on a brave enough face that they wouldn't know it was awful for me. I know they'd see that it was hurting me and they'd be even more angry at ex and OW. Just something to think about.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...