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Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 31st December 2016, 2:31 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by hrow View Post
Hi! Wow! Do I know about this topic! I am a step mom of 2 girls and a mom of 2 girls whose dad died. My new husband was divorced. His ex lives in the same town so it was easier for them to share the girls. When my husband and I met 10 years ago we dated first and then we all met up together at a water park. My girls were 3yr, 9yrs his were 10yr and 14yr. It went pretty well and was easy to get a long. The problem comes if you try to be their mother or even a friend before they are ready you get rejected. Just because their dad loves you doesn't mean that they will. I have found the best thing to do is keep trying and keep inviting them to do things with you. 9 times you may get a "no" answer but the 10th time you may get a "yes." Being there when they need something or remembering them on birthdays and holidays is as close as I have gotten over 10 years! But I am hopeful that as they get older they will see how I have tried to get to know them and be a friend to them and we can have some kind of relationship. It may be harder with girls because they are no longer his #1 princess once you get married. To have confidence in God and who he has made me to be and what my role is in their lives has helped me a lot. I will be thinking of you! Being a step mom is a calling I think and not everyone can do it well. Don't give up!!!!
It's easier to have blended families when it has nothing to do with an affair. Sounds like your situation didn't involve cheating, betrayal and leaving a spouse for another person.
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Old 31st December 2016, 9:22 AM   #17
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I, too, don't understand why the betrayed spouse is always expected to take the high road - and it's usually expected by those who took anything but the high road. Very hypocritical.

OP, you might want to watch real closely how this guy treated his wife - and ultimately his family - with his lying and leaving the wife and kids to have to find out about the affair after he was safely out with all his assets.

I kind of wouldn't be surprised if these kids never really felt good about this relationship or their father's complete lack of integrity. I know you're looking for advice on how to eventually integrate them into your life and find a common ground with them, but the sad truth is, you can't rewrite your history. You can't. That may always taint their perception of you.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 8:33 AM   #18
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I, too, don't understand why the betrayed spouse is always expected to take the high road - and it's usually expected by those who took anything but the high road. Very hypocritical.

OP, you might want to watch real closely how this guy treated his wife - and ultimately his family - with his lying and leaving the wife and kids to have to find out about the affair after he was safely out with all his assets.

I kind of wouldn't be surprised if these kids never really felt good about this relationship or their father's complete lack of integrity. I know you're looking for advice on how to eventually integrate them into your life and find a common ground with them, but the sad truth is, you can't rewrite your history. You can't. That may always taint their perception of you.


Honestly don't really care how she reacts to the situation when it comes to me or him. I do care how she handles it with the kids. When the courts condemn her for how she is reacting, then I would think its not just us who have a problem with it.


You assume that his ex wife was the perfect spouse. You assume that he was a horrible man for following his heart. You assume he doesn't have any integrity because he ended his marriage to be with someone else. You have made a lot of assumption to belittle our situation instead of offering suggestions on how to help the situation. We understand what we did wasn't exactly the right way to start a relationship. But this is where we are now and we want to make it better.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 8:37 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by hrow View Post
Hi! Wow! Do I know about this topic! I am a step mom of 2 girls and a mom of 2 girls whose dad died. My new husband was divorced. His ex lives in the same town so it was easier for them to share the girls. When my husband and I met 10 years ago we dated first and then we all met up together at a water park. My girls were 3yr, 9yrs his were 10yr and 14yr. It went pretty well and was easy to get a long. The problem comes if you try to be their mother or even a friend before they are ready you get rejected. Just because their dad loves you doesn't mean that they will. I have found the best thing to do is keep trying and keep inviting them to do things with you. 9 times you may get a "no" answer but the 10th time you may get a "yes." Being there when they need something or remembering them on birthdays and holidays is as close as I have gotten over 10 years! But I am hopeful that as they get older they will see how I have tried to get to know them and be a friend to them and we can have some kind of relationship. It may be harder with girls because they are no longer his #1 princess once you get married. To have confidence in God and who he has made me to be and what my role is in their lives has helped me a lot. I will be thinking of you! Being a step mom is a calling I think and not everyone can do it well. Don't give up!!!!


Thank you for your words. I don't expect much atleast for a few years. I just want to make strides in the right direction
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Old 3rd January 2017, 5:58 PM   #20
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Honestly don't really care how she reacts to the situation when it comes to me or him. I do care how she handles it with the kids. When the courts condemn her for how she is reacting, then I would think its not just us who have a problem with it.


You assume that his ex wife was the perfect spouse. You assume that he was a horrible man for following his heart. You assume he doesn't have any integrity because he ended his marriage to be with someone else. You have made a lot of assumption to belittle our situation instead of offering suggestions on how to help the situation. We understand what we did wasn't exactly the right way to start a relationship. But this is where we are now and we want to make it better.
There's no perfect spouse..but, she IS the innocent one as he chose to leave her for you. He did that all on his own.

MOST kids do not warm up to the idea of having a new step mom in dad's life so soon after a family break up. I think you need to let their kids dictate when and if they want to meet you and how involved they want to be. They have every right to feel the way they do and nothing you or their dad does or says isn't going to change that. Has to happen on their own terms.

show his ex some respect as she will always in the picture. Hold no resentment or hate in your heart towards her. Compassion can go a long way and might make things easier in the future, especially if their kids see that you're kindhearted and not trying to push their mom out of the picture or out of their lives.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 7:10 PM   #21
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Frankly, I think you are rushing it, you are only as yet an OW of a few months turned gf of a year, and he is only one year out of a long marriage and you are now talking of a wedding and "blended families." Is he even divorced yet?

YOU have got your kids heavily involved here and I worry that once divorced, he may not be too keen on leaping into another marriage, especially if his kids are all upset and they will not accept you.
I can thus see why you are so determined to make this work. If you get his kids on board then it should all go swimmingly and your plans for marriage and happy ever after may just work out.
BUT you cannot "make" his kids like you, you will just have to give it time. One hint of desperation on your part and they may be gone for good. Don't spook the horses.

Chill out, relax, stop rushing things. If you force the issue here then you may not only lose his kids, you may lose him too.

Note.
YOU may have got him away from his "horrible" wife, but sometimes the "bridge" gets dumped as soon as he gains his real freedom, ie the divorce is finalised.
Be aware.
Do not put all your eggs in one basket here. Assume nothing.
His emotions will be all over the place, he is probably in no position to promise you anything yet.
Be careful.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 8:26 PM   #22
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Kids are smart, they know what's going on...
And they have long, long memories...

If they perceive that their father has hurt their mother through this affair and/or they have any reason to question their own relationships with their father, they will be very conflicted and they will want to protect their mother.

He may well have been in a very unsatisfying marriage and life may be roses now that you are "together." But I dare say, life is probably not roses for the kids who's family has just broken up and they see their father only once a month.

Don't rush this... Those kids will never accept you or your relationship.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 9:11 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Frankly, I think you are rushing it, you are only as yet an OW of a few months turned gf of a year, and he is only one year out of a long marriage and you are now talking of a wedding and "blended families." Is he even divorced yet?

YOU have got your kids heavily involved here and I worry that once divorced, he may not be too keen on leaping into another marriage, especially if his kids are all upset and they will not accept you.
I can thus see why you are so determined to make this work. If you get his kids on board then it should all go swimmingly and your plans for marriage and happy ever after may just work out.
BUT you cannot "make" his kids like you, you will just have to give it time. One hint of desperation on your part and they may be gone for good. Don't spook the horses.

Chill out, relax, stop rushing things. If you force the issue here then you may not only lose his kids, you may lose him too.

Note.
YOU may have got him away from his "horrible" wife, but sometimes the "bridge" gets dumped as soon as he gains his real freedom, ie the divorce is finalised.
Be aware.
Do not put all your eggs in one basket here. Assume nothing.
His emotions will be all over the place, he is probably in no position to promise you anything yet.
Be careful.
Her kids are young adults, over 18 and out of the house. His kids are young teens and still need parenting. That's probably why his kids have accepted him..Then again, she was single and not leaving her husband to be with another man.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 9:22 PM   #24
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I am the BW in a similar situation, tho my kids are only 7 and 13.

If you want to be accepted by them I think the most important thing is to not be pushy and not to go so fast with the marriage. Why 18 months? I can guarantee you that's not long enough for mom and kids to really feel like they're in their new normal. (Right now I'm exactly 2 1/2 years out from our breakup and it feels like yesterday to me and my kids and I think it's feeling rougher on them than a year ago. I'm sure it's different for older ones, but it's still huge for them.)

But I'll tell you all I ever hear from my kids about OW is how she and their dad are very pushy. They are desperate to have a new family and my kids are very resistant. I think ex and other woman are just building up resistance.

Also, someone suggested a sit down meal at your home. I really don't like that idea. I've put a lot of thought into how my kids should meet someone I'm dating and what's most important to me is that they don't feel like they've been forced into interacting. So, no invading their personal space by making them be in a room or a car or something where they might not feel like they can easily get away. I'd like it to be a larger scale social situation. Maybe a party where they can stay close and interact if they want but are free to do their own thing if they're not comfortable. Its a little different bc my kids are so much younger, but I bet his kids feel a lot of the same kind of disgust that mine do for their dad's gf.

And those first few meetings, especially, should be more about their needs than yours.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 9:50 PM   #25
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Also one more thing to consider about the timing of a wedding... There was an initial explosion of hurt and anger when I first discovered the OW and we broke up. I'd say that anger took a long time to start dissipating, maybe a year. Probably around a year and a half or so I started feeling much more centered, angry but not so much an angry bitter person. But I feel like he keeps reoffending -- like I am letting go of anger, but then he manages to poke at me again. Usually things relating to kids or child sharing. But also taking OW to Europe really pissed me off (not to mention the fact that he couldn't pay his child support for two months bc of it). But each of these pokes by him have really reignited me. I'd like to calm down and not be so angry. I want peace. But I'm not ready to be so reasonable about him that new offenses can slide off my back. Him getting married would be a HUGE nightmare for me. And I know that my kids would see it as a nightmare in their own right AND there's no way I'd be able to put on a brave enough face that they wouldn't know it was awful for me. I know they'd see that it was hurting me and they'd be even more angry at ex and OW. Just something to think about.
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Old 4th January 2017, 10:27 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Frankly, I think you are rushing it, you are only as yet an OW of a few months turned gf of a year, and he is only one year out of a long marriage and you are now talking of a wedding and "blended families." Is he even divorced yet?

YOU have got your kids heavily involved here and I worry that once divorced, he may not be too keen on leaping into another marriage, especially if his kids are all upset and they will not accept you.
I can thus see why you are so determined to make this work. If you get his kids on board then it should all go swimmingly and your plans for marriage and happy ever after may just work out.
BUT you cannot "make" his kids like you, you will just have to give it time. One hint of desperation on your part and they may be gone for good. Don't spook the horses.

Chill out, relax, stop rushing things. If you force the issue here then you may not only lose his kids, you may lose him too.

Note.
YOU may have got him away from his "horrible" wife, but sometimes the "bridge" gets dumped as soon as he gains his real freedom, ie the divorce is finalised.
Be aware.
Do not put all your eggs in one basket here. Assume nothing.
His emotions will be all over the place, he is probably in no position to promise you anything yet.
Be careful.


Its easy to make those judgements without knowing the entire story. There is no rushing into this. almost 30 years of friendship. He didn't end his prior marriage to be free, he left it to be with me. This wasn't something that just happened. No we aren't proud of how our relationship started but we are proud of our relationship.


I have asked for advice on this topic not because I am pressuring them or forcing them to make it work. Just so I have ideas on how to make it work when the time is right. We want to get married - probably in 18 months ( which if you do the math that is 2 and 1/2 years together - normal time frame for dating couples in my opinion). We also want to make sure that his children are a part of our life - eventually - when the time is right, in the best way possible. We aren't trying to hurt them further, which is why I am asking the questions.
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Old 4th January 2017, 10:53 AM   #27
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If your husband wants his children to be part of his life then he needs to be part of their life. He left his family for you and now he ekes time for them just once a month. That is shameful. Since he has already pretty much walked away from his kids I don't know why he would have any expectations of them.

Now I'm sure this will cue the response of "he tried but the kids weren't receptive and their mom is hostile" but that's just not an excuse. When your kids are pushing you away you try harder. Just walking away and then only seeing them once a month is really lame.
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Old 4th January 2017, 12:55 PM   #28
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If your husband wants his children to be part of his life then he needs to be part of their life. He left his family for you and now he ekes time for them just once a month. That is shameful. Since he has already pretty much walked away from his kids I don't know why he would have any expectations of them.

Now I'm sure this will cue the response of "he tried but the kids weren't receptive and their mom is hostile" but that's just not an excuse. When your kids are pushing you away you try harder. Just walking away and then only seeing them once a month is really lame.

I've known quite a few men who did this to their kids (when there wasn't infidelity) and the kids felt abandoned. He might not wind up with much of a relationship with his kids for awhile regardless if you are in the picture or not.

Having said that, I am the type to want to know what I'm getting into so I would want at least some sort of meeting with the kids so I could see the dynamics before getting married.

Another thing that was mentioned but I'll mention it again as a single parent. My kiddo already has a father. I'm not necessarily looking for that. I see my friends and BFs (or more) as just other cool adults in the kid's life who can hopefully be good role models.
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Old 4th January 2017, 2:24 PM   #29
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If your husband wants his children to be part of his life then he needs to be part of their life. He left his family for you and now he ekes time for them just once a month. That is shameful. Since he has already pretty much walked away from his kids I don't know why he would have any expectations of them.

Now I'm sure this will cue the response of "he tried but the kids weren't receptive and their mom is hostile" but that's just not an excuse. When your kids are pushing you away you try harder. Just walking away and then only seeing them once a month is really lame.




again with the assumptions. He doesn't "EKE" out time for them once a month. He is available every single weekend and prior to Oct it was every single day. The kids have agreed to spend one weekend a month with him. And that's all the more they can do at this point. They are teenagers, involved in school, sports, activities and both hold a job. Yes there is a chance that they use these as excuses but they are teenagers, and when they have free time the last thing they want to do is hang out with their boring dad in his boring house that isn't really their house. He calls and texts them every day.
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Old 4th January 2017, 10:16 PM   #30
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They shouldn't have to hang out at his boring house to see their boring dad. Why should they always be the one expected to drop their lives so they can fit into his. If they are involved with sports then dad can also get involved in their sports. Go to their games and practices. Find out what else they like to do and get involved in that. If they like bike riding then no reason why dad can't get himself a bike and get out there riding. Oh they're too busy to come to dad's all day on Saturday. Okay well then how about dad picks them one evening during the week and takes them to dinner? How about a quick breakfast on a Sunday. How about a movie on Friday night? then they get to go home so they can attend to their other plans. Dad picks them up and drops them off.

I've raised teenagers and I'm telling they are not too busy that they can't spend a few hours here and there with their parents several times a week but the parents have to be willing to put forth the effort. If the attitude is "okay well you let me know when you want to hang out at my house all weekend and I'll let you do that" then that is not putting forth effort to have a relationship with one's children. Absent parents who blame their poor relationship with their children on the children are just being lazy. They are expecting the children to do all the heavy lifting and make all the concessions and when their kids don't do that (and they won't because they're kids) they just go "oh well, I guess there's just nothing I can do, my kids just don't care, not my fault" Lame
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