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Why Am I Suddenly Getting Angry About This Now?


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Old 22nd December 2016, 4:08 AM   #1
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Why Am I Suddenly Getting Angry About This Now?

My mother had a habit of always confiding to me everything. Like literally every secret she knew she'd tell me things concerning her job which she was not allowed to do. When I was a kid and I was real young at the time not even in middle school or anything, I had this friend who was a girl she was the niece of my mom's best friend.

We were friends as children not any more. This girl when she was young lost her dad a guy I never met. I learned not too long after that the man who was her step dad was actually her dad (my mom told me) so I'm pretty much in the second grade (pretty sure that's how young I was) and my friend is going through this and I am just expected to keep this secret and my mom says I can't even talk to her aunt or grand parents my mom's exact words were "You can't let them know you know."

I was finally able to talk about it out in the open after the real dad died and here is what bothers me her grand parents and aunt wanted nothing to do with her because as she got older she started acting horribly. No one ever said precisely what she did but apparently it was bad enough for them to not want her in their family her grandparents exact words were "She has no place in this family I don't know if I'm hard hearted but that's just how I feel."

Now I have been thinking about this a lot recently and it's got me mad for the first because I really started thinking about it. First they lied to her about her real dad then they pretty much let her think her bio dad was dead (when really her step dad was her biological father) and on top of that my mom tells me I can't tell anyone because it would get the real dad into trouble (stuff about child support or something pretty sure they were committing fraud to some degree) my mother goes off on me for the smallest lie she'll say "Oh don't lie, I hate liars!"

I hate hypocrites. I am able to forgive just about any form of betrayal that's why when this former friend turned into such a B I never really hated her. I mean it hurt seeing her alienate everyone (friends family nobody really likes her) but I think she figured it out and that's why she started acting the way she does. I mean I'm not friends with her any more but that doesn't mean I don't care about her if that makes sense.

Anyway I keep thinking about it and until now I've never really thought past what my mother told me. Sadly I've been a momma's boy my whole life and now that I've looked at this situation (I asked myself to take a step back and then asked myself what I'd think if I learned something like this as an adult) I now find myself very upset with everyone who knew even myself.

I am especially upset with mom for putting that secret on me. I just don't understand why it took so long to get angry over this.
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Old 22nd December 2016, 11:17 AM   #2
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It was wrong of your mother to burden you with a secret like that. Very inappropriate of her and I can understand why you're angry. Don't be angry at yourself, you were just a kid and didn't do anything wrong.

You are just getting angry now because you are growing and maturing and just realizing that your parents weren't all that and a bag of chips. My mom made me her confidant as well, starting from the time I was about three. I remember her telling me long sad stories about how nobody ever loved her. She would cry while going on and on about how unfair the world was to her. I would burst into tears and tell her over and over again how much I loved her, trying to take her pain away. I was three for God's sake! Who in their right mind uses a three year old as a therapist? It got worse as I got older. My mother overwhelmed with her problems and her neediness. I was conditioned from babyhood to always put her feeling above my own, to always see her needs and problems as more important then my own.

I honestly didn't know how messed up that was until I was in my mid thirties. I remember the specific day it hit me. She was at my place for dinner. She was supposed to come over early in the day but instead she showed up many hours late after everyone had eaten. I wasn't angry, I was happy she came even if she was late but my younger brother started to gripe at her because she had recently stood him up on Xmas eve so her showing up hours late to dinner triggered him and he told her she was selfish, rightfully so.

Well if there's one thing my mother can't stand it's being criticized. She goes into victim mode immediately. She started crying and went downstairs where my sons bedrooms were. After a few minutes I got curious about what she was up to down there so I went to take look. I could hear her in my youngest son's room so took a peek around the door. She was sprawled out on my sons bed dramatically sobbing and talking about how nobody loves her. My eight year old son was perched on the edge of the bed holding her hand and telling her that we all loved her. In the moment I saw this I felt a rage inside that I never felt before. I wanted to barge in the room and just unleash my feelings on her and kick her out my house but a split second later I changed my mind as I knew that would only further upset my kid. So I just asked my son to come upstairs with me and left my mom to enjoy her pity party alone.

That was the moment I truly realized just how selfish and self absorbed my mother was and just how much of my life she took away from me with her constant emotional neediness. My anger continued to grow long after that night and I actually went through a few years where I could barely stand to be in the same room with her. In a group I was okay but the moment her and I would be left alone together I couldn't handle it and I would have to walk out of the room, mumbling some excuse about needing to do something in another room. Took me several years to process that my mother was a unhealthy dysfunctional person who had messed up my head. I got through it and I did reach a point where I forgave her because as awful as I have made her sound here she wasn't all bad. The other side of her was an affectionate loving mom. When I was hurt she would sweep me up in hugs and kisses and nothing made me feel better. She would stick up for me and she was always on my side.

Guess the moral of my story is that it's okay to be angry at your mother and feel those feelings. It's part of seeing our parents for who they really are and realizing that they did some messed up crap but don't lose sight of the good in them.
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Old 22nd December 2016, 1:49 PM   #3
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Why in the world did they tell her that her dad was dead if her step dad was actually her dad?? That is baffling to me. Did the mom cheat with the step dad or something?
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Old 22nd December 2016, 2:26 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrCongeniality View Post
My mother had a habit of always confiding to me everything. Like literally every secret she knew she'd tell me things concerning her job which she was not allowed to do. When I was a kid and I was real young at the time not even in middle school or anything, I had this friend who was a girl she was the niece of my mom's best friend.

We were friends as children not any more. This girl when she was young lost her dad a guy I never met. I learned not too long after that the man who was her step dad was actually her dad (my mom told me) so I'm pretty much in the second grade (pretty sure that's how young I was) and my friend is going through this and I am just expected to keep this secret and my mom says I can't even talk to her aunt or grand parents my mom's exact words were "You can't let them know you know."

I was finally able to talk about it out in the open after the real dad died and here is what bothers me her grand parents and aunt wanted nothing to do with her because as she got older she started acting horribly. No one ever said precisely what she did but apparently it was bad enough for them to not want her in their family her grandparents exact words were "She has no place in this family I don't know if I'm hard hearted but that's just how I feel."

Now I have been thinking about this a lot recently and it's got me mad for the first because I really started thinking about it. First they lied to her about her real dad then they pretty much let her think her bio dad was dead (when really her step dad was her biological father) and on top of that my mom tells me I can't tell anyone because it would get the real dad into trouble (stuff about child support or something pretty sure they were committing fraud to some degree) my mother goes off on me for the smallest lie she'll say "Oh don't lie, I hate liars!"

I hate hypocrites. I am able to forgive just about any form of betrayal that's why when this former friend turned into such a B I never really hated her. I mean it hurt seeing her alienate everyone (friends family nobody really likes her) but I think she figured it out and that's why she started acting the way she does. I mean I'm not friends with her any more but that doesn't mean I don't care about her if that makes sense.

Anyway I keep thinking about it and until now I've never really thought past what my mother told me. Sadly I've been a momma's boy my whole life and now that I've looked at this situation (I asked myself to take a step back and then asked myself what I'd think if I learned something like this as an adult) I now find myself very upset with everyone who knew even myself.

I am especially upset with mom for putting that secret on me. I just don't understand why it took so long to get angry over this.
So they basically f'ed this girl up with all kinds of wrong knowledge, and now they don't want her as part of the family because of what they told her?

**** that family.
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Old 23rd December 2016, 2:18 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LexiCat29 View Post
Why in the world did they tell her that her dad was dead if her step dad was actually her dad?? That is baffling to me. Did the mom cheat with the step dad or something?
Honestly I have no idea. I really don't know much about the situation other than what I learned as a kid. Maybe there is more to the story but last time I asked the real dad about how she was doing (I was a teen maybe young adult it was a while ago) his response was that he didn't know or care because she had turned into a selfish B. Maybe that's true and maybe there is a whole other side to the story all I know is that they lied to a kid about something this huge.

I mean part of me wonders if she even knows and maybe she got the way she is all on her own but part of me suspects she figured it out some how or suspected at least because you know when people are keeping something from you. Little things tell you that.
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Old 23rd December 2016, 10:22 AM   #6
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Hey :)

You can't speculate. period.

Unless this person is in a situation where she requires a kidney transplant or something why are you giving it space in your head?

The adults behaved appallingly in this situation. Leave it at that.

Unless there is some need for you to involve yourself, it simply isn't your bag.

Don't speculate, don't make assumptions, that's just unhelpful and can lead you into delusion.
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