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Old 18th December 2016, 4:10 PM   #1
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Family disapprove of my partner

Hi all,


I am a 31 year old woman but have been dealing with this issue since is was 26 yrs old.


I am in a committed relationship with my 32 year old boyfriend. We love and care for each other deeply and wish to one day be married and have a family but regardless of my happiness, my family (mother and sister) say they will never,ever approve of him.


Growing up me my mum, sister and Dad were very close. I spent every weekend with my mum or my sister and when my sister got a boyfriend I spend time with them too. I loved my family but always hoped I would find a guy who would sweep me off my feet so I had someone who would love and care for me like my sisters partner did for her.


I never had a serious boyfriend until met my present partner. It wasn't love at first sight but our relationship developed naturally and soon I began to fall in love with him. He showed me respect, made me laugh and I felt like a more complete person with him.


My family invited him to the family home, There were a handful of meetings where my mum would cook dinner for me my partner, sister her boyfriend and my dad.


He was the first guy I had brought home to meet my family so it was a huge step for me. I wanted them to love him as much as I did but one day I saw a text on my mums phone to a family member saying she didn't like him.


I decided to ask my mum about this and she said ' its just a gut feeling' and 'I don't like his car or how he dresses'.


My sister then began to say how much she disliked him. As they worked in the same office she was offended when they got into a lift which was full and he didn't say ' good morning'. Usually I would find this strange but they work at a Law firm and the lift was full of lawyers and they were stood at opposite sides of the lift. My sister then began to say he was disrespectful because he put a status saying 'cat eyes and thick thighs'.


On another occasion I drove to pick boyfriend up to come to our house and my sister attacked me again saying why does he have to come round all the time, why do you pick him up like your his chauffeur? I went to see him in floods of tears and he decided to confront my sister. He asked outright - why don't you like me? what have I done? My sister replied that she didn't not like him. A few weeks later she claimed that she was verbally attacked by him and he was aggressive for confronting her.


There are some things that I agree my boyfriend could have done differently but he is human, he made mistakes but ultimately, as you will read things have escalated to a place they should never be,


This continued until he was then banned from coming to the family home. This meant that every weekend I had to leave the family home and live a separate life if I wanted to see my boyfriend. He wasn't invited on any trips, birthdays or occasions and I had to go on my own.


I lost so much weight and became so depressed. Every time I went to meet him I would return to my family giving me the 'silent treatment' for days after. We would argue and I would beg them to help me solve the situation and they would question me why wont I stop being lazy and break up with him.


My mum then decided to contact his parents behind my back and arranged to go round to their hose convince them why their son was a bad person and why we aren't right for each other. My boyfriends parents and respectable people, their work hard, go to church and live a good but humble life. My bf's mum explained that the best thing is to let me and him get on and decide if we are right and for us to make the decision. When my mum came home she told me what she did and I asked her how she could be so disrespectful and not respect my opinion.




Then one day I developed the herpes virus. I was devastated. After visiting the doctor he explained that it can be triggered by stress and the type I contracted was by an oral strain. My mum was present at my appointment and claimed that she will' stab him if she ever sees him'. Whilst I was recovering I asked my boyfriend to stay away and asked him if he did this to me? He went to get tested and came back negative for any stds. After speaking to the doctor he explained that you can contract the virus from being a baby and never show any signs or symptoms but still pass it on. You are unable to run any tests unless you have a flair up and to this day he never has. He explained to the doctor that he sometimes got mouth ulcers but never thought he would pass anything to me.


Weeks went by and my mum would make remarks like ' are you too scared to break up with him incase no one else will want you?'


Years down the line I was then contacted by an ex who explained he has had a flair up and I should know. I am so glad I didn't break up with my boyfriend as I knew one if he did it it wasn't with malicious intent and two it turned out to be contracted by someone else.


My mum then gave me an ultimatum. She said that I could not live in the same house whilst I was with him.


I decided to move out near Christmas time. That is when my mum started to threaten to disown me. I remember the first Christmas when she told me she didn't want me to be with them. It broke my heart.


My sister and mum made no contact with me for the following 2 years and everyday I struggled to understand how they could cast me to one side. I maintained contact with my dad but I could see the situation was taking a toll on him and felt guilty that he would have to go back home knowing my mum didn't want any contact.


One day I received a call from my cousin saying my mum had taken an overdose. I rushed to hospital and my mum just glared at me as if to say this is your fault.


After years - few months ago my mum contacted me - she said that my dad was struggling with depression because of me and if her and I didn't get back in touch he would continue to suffer. She said that the contact would purely be with me and she would never accept my boyfriend. Last week we argued and she told me that she hopes to god I never have a baby with my boyfriend as she wouldn't be able to have me in her life. She says that if she did make an attempt with him she would lose my sister as she too disapproves so she wouldn't risk losing her.


She also explained her disgust that he has never attempted to go and see them.(although he called my dad years ago asking to speak to them and my mum refused and said she would tell him when she was ready and she never did)


I am constantly at the end of a barrel and constantly offered ultimatums.


I have begged her to work with me to find a solution but has said there is nothing that can be done. She explained that the choice is I can see my family but they will not ask about anything to do with my life because they dont want to know. I would hate to lose contact with my family and to allow some sort of contact I will go along with it but at times I feel surely there must be something that can be done?


Me and Boyfriend have discussed appearing at the door and asking if we can discuss things? He has also considered sending some flowers with a card asking if they can talk. My fear is that she will see it as confrontational.


I love my family and could not ever think about walking away from them but can not help but thing that I am not being true to myself or my boyfriend.


If anyone can offer help or advice it would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 18th December 2016, 5:00 PM   #2
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Hi OP

While I haven't been exactly in your situation, I can somewhat relate.

I was in what I now know to be a very dysfunctional relationship for years with a guy every single one of my family members and close friends despised on sight.

My only regret is that I didn't listen to them sooner, because they are the ones who genuinely have my interests at heart, while he just wanted to use me for his own benefit / play nice when he wanted something or be totally indifferent or down right awful when he didn't get his way (which was quite often) - there was a fair bit of emotional manipulation, straight up lies, controlling / jealous / paranoid behaviour that I use to sweep under the carpet because I didn't want to antagonise him. All that only became transparent after an abnormal incident too many (too many coincidences) but those close to me could see how he really was from day 1.

Anyway, if both your normally caring, loving mother and sister take issue with him, and feel that strongly towards him that they are ready to cut contact with you (likely because they can't bear to see you suffer and know they can't do anything about it), I think you should take heed, or at least take their concerns into consideration; building bridges with your ailing parents sounds a lot more important than accommodating your partner at this point IMO.

Good luck, OP.
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Old 18th December 2016, 5:20 PM   #3
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Thanks for your reply PrettyEmily

You have some good advice however I think my situation differs in that my partner isn't manipulative/ controlling/ jealous. Throughout the years he has never made me question our relationship and we are in a caring and loving relationship.

Things can change I know but in the immediate i am happy. My concern is more why my family arent willing to let me live the life I slchoose without offering me ultimatums..
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Old 18th December 2016, 6:06 PM   #4
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You have 2 choices :
- distance yourself from your emotionally abusive mother
- find a boyfriend they like

Your family don't have your best interest at heart, they only want to control your life like a little girl.
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Old 18th December 2016, 6:29 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Sunshineaftertherain View Post
Thanks for your reply PrettyEmily

You have some good advice however I think my situation differs in that my partner isn't manipulative/ controlling/ jealous. Throughout the years he has never made me question our relationship and we are in a caring and loving relationship.

Things can change I know but in the immediate i am happy. My concern is more why my family arent willing to let me live the life I slchoose without offering me ultimatums..
Fair enough. I agree that ultimatums are counterproductive no matter the circumstances, and there seems to be a lot of guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail from your family, and it's not fair for you to be put in a 'him or us' situation.

What does your boyfriend make of it?
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Old 18th December 2016, 7:28 PM   #6
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What do your friends think of him? It would be helpful to know how those who are close to you, but not family feel about this.

And why was your mother in the doctor's appointment with you when you got dx with the herpes virus?

Last edited by basil67; 18th December 2016 at 7:31 PM..
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Old 18th December 2016, 9:29 PM   #7
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None of these people sound good. Your mom and sister sound manipulative and emotionally abusive and your boyfriend sounds rude and immature.
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Old 19th December 2016, 3:39 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by PrettyEmily77 View Post
Fair enough. I agree that ultimatums are counterproductive no matter the circumstances, and there seems to be a lot of guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail from your family, and it's not fair for you to be put in a 'him or us' situation.

What does your boyfriend make of it?


Hi PrettyEmily,


My boyfriend is devastated. My sister and mum have said that us he died tomorrow it would be a good thing... He knows he may have made some mistakes along the way and is willing to hold his hands up where necessary but ultimately he struggles as he works hard and always says that he will work all of his life to prove to me that he is worth it and to this day I have never shed a tear over anything he has said or done. He isn't perfect - but who is? I hav suggested to him that he or we need to approach my family to try and sit down and talk.. my fear is that my sister and mum shut the door in our faces. At the weekend my mum said that its far too late to reconcile.
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Old 19th December 2016, 3:46 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
What do your friends think of him? It would be helpful to know how those who are close to you, but not family feel about this.

And why was your mother in the doctor's appointment with you when you got dx with the herpes virus?


My friends have no issues with him. I have very few friends because most of my youth was spent with either my sister or my mum. However, one of my best friends was a mutual friend of my sisters and mine. She has now fallen out with my sister as my sister requested that she tell her mum not to post things on my or my boyfriends facebook. My friend pushed back and said she can not and will not tell her mum what to do and to this day my sister refuses to speak to her. Other friends have met him and say he is a normal guy and cant say anything bad....


My mum was present at the doctors appointment as we were all living in the same house at the time and she offered to drive me to the doctors. She decided to sit in on the consultation and in hindsight she crossed boundaries and should have decided to wait outside!
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Old 19th December 2016, 5:09 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Sunshineaftertherain View Post
Hi PrettyEmily,


My boyfriend is devastated. My sister and mum have said that us he died tomorrow it would be a good thing... He knows he may have made some mistakes along the way and is willing to hold his hands up where necessary but ultimately he struggles as he works hard and always says that he will work all of his life to prove to me that he is worth it and to this day I have never shed a tear over anything he has said or done. He isn't perfect - but who is? I hav suggested to him that he or we need to approach my family to try and sit down and talk.. my fear is that my sister and mum shut the door in our faces. At the weekend my mum said that its far too late to reconcile.
You mentioned a few times that he's made some mistakes and he isn't perfect. What sort of mistakes are we talking about? That may help put things in context.
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Old 19th December 2016, 5:52 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Sunshineaftertherain View Post
My friends have no issues with him. I have very few friends because most of my youth was spent with either my sister or my mum. However, one of my best friends was a mutual friend of my sisters and mine. She has now fallen out with my sister as my sister requested that she tell her mum not to post things on my or my boyfriends facebook. My friend pushed back and said she can not and will not tell her mum what to do and to this day my sister refuses to speak to her. Other friends have met him and say he is a normal guy and cant say anything bad....


My mum was present at the doctors appointment as we were all living in the same house at the time and she offered to drive me to the doctors. She decided to sit in on the consultation and in hindsight she crossed boundaries and should have decided to wait outside!
This gains him many points. I'd be alarmed if your friends also disliked him.
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Old 19th December 2016, 12:40 PM   #12
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You can do whatever you want, as long as you are a fully emancipated adult..

Having said that, I bet of the times I heard

"Looking back on it, I should of listened to my family...I was just blinded by infatuation, lust, whatever...how can I have been so stupid?"

vs,

"Looking back on it, I am so happy that I didn't listen to my family, because they were 100% wrong"

it's probably 20:1

TFY
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Old 19th December 2016, 1:34 PM   #13
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I agree we need to know what are those 'mistakes' he's made along the way.

Also what made your parents ban him from their house? Certainly not only because he doesn't dress well.
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Old 19th December 2016, 11:29 PM   #14
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Your mother and sister seem quite aggressive about this situation. Can you explain why this is? Are they mad with a hunger for power over you or did your boyfriend kill their cat?

If I were your boyfriend and there was no good reason for this aggression I'd be furious with your family and talking things through would be out of the question.

Your mother wants him dead. What the hell is going on?
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Old 21st December 2016, 1:58 PM   #15
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Sometimes, especially when you get older, you'll realize your parents are just doing what they think is best for you.

However, what is best for you may not be equal to what they think is best for you.

At some point in time, you'll need to figure it out yourself and either prove them wrong, or prove them right.

Either way, make the decision based on what you want, not what everyone else wants for you.
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