HokeyReligions Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 If light has weight, then heat doubly so. The warmth of the day was baking-hot, yet I was frozen, a rock of ice, trembling on the precipice of a glacier and staring down, only down, into an abyss that no one could predict. Pounding I heard, but a soft rapping on the foyer door was all it was about And I thought ‘foyer’ what a strange word, and my mind jumped again to that precipice. Creaking and the gentle rush of air pushed out of lungs and voices soft behind me. I was on my knees, next to her favorite chair. She had her blanket around her and she was alert considering all the drugs in her system, forcing her nerve endings to cease their endless vile attack of pain. We almost didn’t need the doctor or the nurse. It wouldn’t have been much longer anyway, every second can hold an eternity of joy when one is clinging. She looked at me in the brief spats of conscious thoughts that randomly passed her through the pain and the drugs. I was holding her. On my knees – I didn’t feel the pain in them then. She lifted her head as the doctor adjusted the IV line. To be plugged in to something so unnatural at the end of life. It tore at me like thorns, I felt as though my eyes would burst forth in blood because I’d held that dam too long. I felt her incline her head to mine drawing me forward to her face, her beautiful, sweet face. She kissed me as she closed her eyes. I held her so tight and my lips tasted her childlike perfume – the one she had before she was sick. I smelled it then – she smelled of sand and sunshine, laughter and spring blossoms under a clear blue sky. She fell asleep as I chanted “I Love You. I Will Always Love You. Forever I Will Love You” and her daddy sobbed “Sweet Dreams Baby Girl, Sweet Dreams” through his own tears, which fell onto my shoulders, weighing me down. Her pain ended as mine began. The machine to keep her alive slowly ceased its ticking and clicking and whirring and there was silence. The medicine that kept her from pain, kept her dreaming also. She slept and died in my arms. That last kiss still trembling on my heart. The ice rock slipped off the precipice and began its eternal crashing journey down into the abyss, breaking and splintering, yet still moving, still ‘being’ while feeling every splinter, every boulder break off and shatter, ripping itself apart, but not ending. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 Dear HR, your destiny made me cry. I am a mother too and I feel for your pain. I am so sorry. She is at a better place than this world now and for some reason it had to be like that. Perhaps she was saved from a worse suffering. You will always remember your little angel and she will always be alive in your heart and mind. Please be strong, life must go on. You had her in your life, felt her love, and it has enriched your soul. She could have not be born, but she was, and gave you so much love and joy while she could. Life is sometimes full of unbearable pain and premature death that makes no sense. She doesn't feel any pain now. She is sleeping with the angels. My children asked me the other day "How does it feel to be dead?" I said "It feels like when you're sleeping." Isn't sleep what we gladly go to? She existed, she saw this world and before getting hurt, she left for another place to eternally rest. You're hurting, but not her. Time will cure the pain, your heart will stop bleeding. You will have memories of how happy you made her to console you. I am sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HokeyReligions Posted March 30, 2005 Author Share Posted March 30, 2005 Thank you. I do have wonderful memories, but my heart will never be the same. There is no cure, only acceptance and I have accepted the passing of both of my children. It will always hurt and right now I am so tired and under so much stress that the pain is amplified. I do not believe in God (didn't before them either) and I do not believe that they have moved on to a better place. They simply have ceased to exist, as we all will someday. That, for me, is closure--more closure than I could get believing that someday I would die and see them again. If I believed that I would have taken my own life the second after my son died (three years after my daughter died). I'm just really feeling their loss now. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 I'm sorry to hear this Hokey, our prayers are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
RoxStar Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 WOW! That was very powerful. I am sure it was something deeply personal for you to share. You are in my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
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