Parent problems. Help!

[CharlieMJL88]

Hello everyone,

 

I am a 28 year old woman, am an attorney, and am happily married. I have always been dedicated to social justice and youth justice and currently work in that field. A couple of years ago, I reconnected with an man who is around my age and has been in prison since he was 16 years old. He is serving life without parole. He grew up a couple of blocks away from me.

 

This man had an extremely turbulent childhood, is incredibly remorseful, and has turned his life completely around. He is incredibly kind and sensitive and positive (always thinking of ways to make the world a better place, he is a model inmate and counsels mentally challenged inmates in his free time), and he has become like my brother and is very special to me. My husband is very supportive of our close friendship and understands that this is very important to me.

 

The issue is with my parents. I currently live with my parents because my husband took a job in a far-away city. I am looking for jobs there but don’t want to quit my job and move and therefore am living with my parents until I find a new job. My parents get incredibly upset about this relationship, they tell me he is evil and that I am cheating on my husband and am [promiscuous].

 

The one time I was talking with my brother on the phone, my mom heard me laughing and forced me off the phone and told me I sounded giddy and was in love with him. I assure you that there is none of that going on. My brother and has no one else in his life, and there is no way that I would leave him.

 

Ironically, when I was 15 years old, my parents took me to watch his preliminary hearing when he was 16 because they thought it would be a good learning experience. This day was what peaked my interest in social justice. I saw that he and the other defendants were just kids like me. I was the only kid in the courtroom going home ever.

 

I am so torn and upset over this and am at the point where I feel I need to quit my job to get out of my parents house. I would greatly appreciate and advice or opinions you have on this matter.

Edited September 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
More descriptive title, paragraphs and language

[angel.eyes]

I'm sorry to hear about your distress. Could you please clarify what you meant when you referred to the inmate as your brother. I want to make sure I have a clear picture before responding.

[CharlieMJL88]

By saying he is like my brother, I just mean that we are really close. I've been there for him through a lot, and he's there for me too. No romantic attachment at all. Kind of like soul brothers/soul sisters or close friends.

 

I posted on another forum before, and the responses were horribly insulting - "why can't you get a job" "you sound like a teenager still living with your parents". I would really appreciate it if people who feel this way not post back at all. I came here for help.

[MJJean]

I won't tell you what you want to hear. I believe that close male-female friendships are playing with fire and not appropriate once married. However, if you are determined to continue this friendship, I suggest you quit your job, move in with your husband, and continue the job search from there.

[amaysngrace]

I think living with your parents is more unhealthy than your relationship with an inmate although neither sound ideal.

 

But if your parents treat you like a child then you should probably leave because you know how it goes...their house, their rules.

 

And it sounds like your mom is very interfering.

[CarrieT]

Does your husband know about the relationship with the inmate? Because *his* is the only opinion that should matter in this equation.

[CharlieMJL88]

Hi all, I appreciate the responses. I know that it is an unusual situation. Yes, my husband knows about my friend. They speak on the phone sometimes to each other and my husband always asks about him, sends him birthday and Christmas cards too. I'm seriously not hiding anything from my husband at all. My husband knows that this is important to me and that there is no romantic involvement. My friend has hardly any family or people on the outside, and he calls me his sister and I say he is my brother probably because he likes to feel like he has a family. He was abandoned by his mother and others, and he really does feel like family to me, which is why I say I truly cannot to dump him to appease my parents. My relationship with my parents is ok otherwise, although my mom is very critical of many things I do, not just this. It is just that this one hurts the most because he has come to be my closest friend (besides my husband of course).

 

Also a lot of people in another forum suggested that I was being used by an inmate con artist. I've known him for a long time, and never once has he asked me for anything - money or otherwise. He truly just wants to know that he has someone in the world that cares about him and sees him as human.

Edited September 28, 2016 by CharlieMJL88

[CarrieT]

I've known him for a long time, and never once has he asked me for anything - money or otherwise. He truly just wants to know that he has someone in the world that cares about him and sees him as human.

Then be careful he doesn't get some misplaced affection that can't be reciprocated.

 

How much longer do you have to live with your parents before you and your husband can be reunited?

[CharlieMJL88]

I agree. That was my biggest concern originally but we are on the same page. He knows I'm married and has told me that he respects marraige so much, and that his mom was a cheater and it ruined his family and he would never want to ruin a marriage.

 

I'm very actively applying to jobs so as soon as I get a job offer I will move. It's a tough job market in that city though, as it is one of the biggest, most expensive cities to live in, in the US.

[CC12]

It sounds like the problem would be solved by moving out of your parents' house and not discussing this friendship with them.

 

You can't force your parents or anyone else to accept this friendship, and you can't expect people to understand. Your friend committed a crime horrible enough to be spending the rest of his life in prison without parole. You have forgiven him for what he did, but others won't. They're allowed to feel that way.

 

Plus it really doesn't help that you refer to him as your brother. You don't just say that he's like a brother to you, you say, "My brother..." That is strange and off-putting, especially to your parents, I would assume. You are essentially including him in your family, which I can see would be kind of insulting to your biological family. Maybe you can lay off on that.

[CharlieMJL88]

Yes, I agree that things will be better when I move out. Also, I don't actually say he is my brother to anyone but him. To my parents I just call him my friend. I wrote "brother" here because I posted on another forum and everyone said I was in love with them, so I wanted to make it a point that there is nothing romantic. I see that perhaps it was an awkward choice of wording.

 

I don't expect my parents to be happy about it, but I do not appreciate my mom forcing me off the phone with someone as I am a 28 year old woman. That was what upset me the most. Now I feel that they are always listening out for who I'm speaking to.

[MJJean]

Yes, I agree that things will be better when I move out. Also, I don't actually say he is my brother to anyone but him. To my parents I just call him my friend. I wrote "brother" here because I posted on another forum and everyone said I was in love with them, so I wanted to make it a point that there is nothing romantic. I see that perhaps it was an awkward choice of wording.

 

I don't expect my parents to be happy about it, but I do not appreciate my mom forcing me off the phone with someone as I am a 28 year old woman. That was what upset me the most. Now I feel that they are always listening out for who I'm speaking to.

 

Any chance your husband could transfer to another city that has a lower cost of living and a better job market so that you could live together sooner?

 

BTW, I do somewhat understand. I have had family, otherwise decent men, who got caught up in some stupid and ended up in prison for 10+ years at a stretch. Be careful. Some men become more humble and some more terrible.

[preraph]

The reality is that while you say you are not getting carried away, he probably is. Men do not usually want to be "just friends" with women, and your dad and brother for sure know this because they are men. They do not trust his motives. As long as you are in your parents' house, you are under house rules, sorry to say.

 

I don't know what this man's past crimes were, but I have to tell you that if they were violent or sexual, those types of criminals hardly EVER rehabilitate. Atascadero Prison tried to rehab violent sex offenders for 30 years and PBS did a special on it. They reported no success, with only one case that was a "maybe."

 

I want you to know that both good and evil exists in criminals, so you cannot ever think that just because they are nice to you part of the time or they have a sympathetic story, as most do, that that means they could not snap and hurt you or con you and plan on it.

 

My opinion is that you need to set some boundaries for this man and see if he respects them. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would understand how a woman's parents didn't want an ex-con around their home or their daughter. If he doesn't fully stay within boundaries of your wishes and their wishes, then he isn't going to respect boundaries, period. If he does respect the boundaries, then fine, but you need to not be forming a frequent relationship with him because you are married and when your husband is back, he is going to want all that time to himself, so don't give more than you can sustain and build the guy's hopes up. Make sure he is not so wrapped up in you that he is actively going out and taking care of his employment and survival needs as well as pursuing romantic relationships with other women once he is able to financially and has a home and everything. This is not a man to lead on and give false hope to. You are married and if you intend to stay that way, you need to start acting like you're married now, and keep that consistent in every interaction with him, or you would be leading him down a path.