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After 20 years I Came Clean


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 14th September 2016, 2:46 PM   #16
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Sweet Dis, I am so so sorry to hear this. Sending a huge hug from CA <3

I'm glad your mom was receptive and seems to be working through it. I'm wondering, since you kept this from her for so long, if you had an intention for telling her now? I know you say it just came out and wasn't planned to tell her, but what do you hope to come from this?
Thank you so much AMJ, that mean alot

Over the past 15+ years my sister has done alot of damage, she's manipulated my parents, and somehow managed to place the blame of our family issues on me. She's incredibly intelligent....she's calculating. Last night my mom was laying into me about my problems with my sister, blaming me, so even though I didnt intend on telling her, I was trying to help her see that I'm a symptom of the problem and that the real problems lie else where. I always found it so ironic that me (the abused family member) has always taken the 100% of the blame while the abusers (my sister and my dad) have never taken any accountability for their actions

I thought I had tried to tell my mom before, but I guess I didnt get through to her until now. I feel vindicated after being villainized for so long despite the fact I was the victim
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Old 14th September 2016, 2:58 PM   #17
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That's really good, that you feel better just by setting the record straight. I was only concerned if you had expectations that their dysfunctional behavior would change as a result of this new news because....sick people tend not to want to change easily.
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Old 14th September 2016, 10:50 PM   #18
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That's really good, that you feel better just by setting the record straight. I was only concerned if you had expectations that their dysfunctional behavior would change as a result of this new news because....sick people tend not to want to change easily.
I've learned alot about people in my 30 years....one of those lessons was people dont change...and you're right...that esp goes for sick people. I dont expect anything different from my sister or really my dad...but I know I can count on my mom
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Old 17th September 2016, 1:00 PM   #19
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I should have come back here sooner - my apologies for not doing so before now.

You have done the absolute right thing by telling your Mum this.
She is one strong lady IMO. It doesn't sound like she has freaked - she is taking your dad to counselling - so taking it in her stride.

She's always been there for you - she will be and she can deal with this. Trust her.

You have one hell of a Mum Dis!

Much as this story is so sad I am so happy for you. You are a lucky lady and I think so is she to have you as a daughter.
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Old 17th September 2016, 10:24 PM   #20
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I should have come back here sooner - my apologies for not doing so before now.

You have done the absolute right thing by telling your Mum this.
She is one strong lady IMO. It doesn't sound like she has freaked - she is taking your dad to counselling - so taking it in her stride.

She's always been there for you - she will be and she can deal with this. Trust her.

You have one hell of a Mum Dis!

Much as this story is so sad I am so happy for you. You are a lucky lady and I think so is she to have you as a daughter.
That was one of the nicest things I've ever heard anyone say to me Thank you so much Gemma

My mom is the strongest person I know, and tbh this is far from the most difficult thing she has experienced...she really does have tremendous strength...I like to think I take after her in that sense and many others too

I saw her a few days ago and she said something that truly touched my heart. She said she understood why I lashed out at my sister when I was a teenager, she said she knows now that I was just trying to take the target sign off my back....she validated so many things that I thought would never be understood by anyone in my family. It made me cry

Thanks so much for your encouraging reply Gemma. I'll be sure to post updates
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Old 18th September 2016, 10:25 AM   #21
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That was one of the nicest things I've ever heard anyone say to me Thank you so much Gemma
Sorry, but I have to disagree with your comment above.

Reason being is your comment below is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you. She's thought about it, remembered and is putting the pieces together. That must mean the world to you. She really understands ((hugs))

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She said she understood why I lashed out at my sister when I was a teenager, she said she knows now that I was just trying to take the target sign off my back....she validated so many things that I thought would never be understood by anyone in my family. It made me cry
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Old 18th September 2016, 8:38 PM   #22
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Sorry, but I have to disagree with your comment above.

Reason being is your comment below is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you. She's thought about it, remembered and is putting the pieces together. That must mean the world to you. She really understands ((hugs))
You are very correct It really did mean the world to me

She's still processing things right now, which is all understandable...meanwhile I'm remembering lots of things I've long since forgotten...disturbing memories of the abuse

Is it normal for old memories to resurface? I feel like I'm reliving things now
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Old 18th September 2016, 8:45 PM   #23
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I started lashing out physically at my sister 7 years after she started to abuse me...which my family knew about and I have apologised and tried to right those wrongs countless times
OP, I can see that you have suffered a lot and I feel sorry for your pain.

Sounds like your sister bullied you. Is bullying considered 'abuse'? I guess it is. You mentioned about 'lashing out physically'?
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Old 18th September 2016, 9:10 PM   #24
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OP, I can see that you have suffered a lot and I feel sorry for your pain.

Sounds like your sister bullied you. Is bullying considered 'abuse'? I guess it is. You mentioned about 'lashing out physically'?
Thanks for your reply

She was emotionally and verbally abusive too...I was very intimidated by her...but what she did wasnt bullying...it was abuse

7 years after my sister started to physically abuse me, she came into me room one day and smacked me across the face for using her phone....something inside me just snapped...I had had enough...I punched her repeatedly....she called the cops...I got arrested...I was 14.

I always found it ironic that I was the one who ended up getting arrested for assault, I tried to call the police on my dad and sister many times, the phone was grabbed away from me and my sister told me if I called the police she'd kill me. I did manage to call 9-11 on my dad once, when the police showed up at the door my dad told them I was "playing with the phone and that everything was fine" I stood at the top of the stairs which were directly in front of the door, I was crying...hoping the police would see me...I couldnt bring myself to say "Help". I was only 8. After they left I shut myself in my room until my mom got home
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Old 19th September 2016, 12:53 AM   #25
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7 years after my sister started to physically abuse me, she came into me room one day and smacked me across the face for using her phone....something inside me just snapped...I had had enough...I punched her repeatedly....she called the cops...I got arrested...I was 14.
It's quite unfortunate that the victim sometimes is the one to get in trouble, like you. People sometimes just keep pushing others until they snap, then the pushers victimize themselves and blame others for being 'emotionally unstable' 'violent' etc.
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Old 19th September 2016, 8:27 PM   #26
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It's quite unfortunate that the victim sometimes is the one to get in trouble, like you. People sometimes just keep pushing others until they snap, then the pushers victimize themselves and blame others for being 'emotionally unstable' 'violent' etc.
Ya thats actually exactly what happened...thats exactly what she did

I talked to my therapist about my sister and she asked if my sister had ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder. I went home and did some research on it and was shocked at how my sister's behaviors aligned with traits of personality disorders

My sister is highly manipulative, cold, critical, emotionally unstable, emotionally detached from others, self absorbed, narcissistic, pretentious, was physically, emotionally and verbally abuse even as a child...etc etc

After my Dad would lose his temper with me when I was little, my sister would open the door to my room....and stand there with a sly smirk on her face, like it gave her pleasure to see that happen to me....she wouldnt say anything, then she'd just walk away after awhile. She was a kid herself! What child does something like that?

She is a truly and deeply disturbed individual
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Old 19th September 2016, 9:09 PM   #27
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Hugs to you too. But can I say you are so lucky to have a mom that cares so much for your feelings.

I just started a thread about my own mom. Telling her at 18 that my brother had molested me repeatedly as a child. Her response was anything but supportive and in fact blamed me....also saying boys will be boys. Sigh!

Thank your mom for being so supportive. Reading that almost put a tear in my eye.
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Old 16th October 2016, 7:46 PM   #28
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I doubt the mom was completely ignorant. I know something about being on the receiving and giving end of abuse. I use to get beaten by my Dad a lot one day he always said he was teaching us all respect. One day though my younger sister ticked him off I came to her defense so he said if I "punished" her instead he'd leave her alone my Dad is easy to upset so you can imagine how frequently this was. Eventually and I don't even know how this happened but it got to the point where he didn't need to make I just started blaming her for putting me in that position and I would just punish her for the smallest things. Look I'm a despicable human being but I do love my little sister. The point I am making is try talking to her because maybe without showing it she carries a lot of self hate.
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Old 8th November 2016, 5:58 AM   #29
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I doubt the mom was completely ignorant. I know something about being on the receiving and giving end of abuse. I use to get beaten by my Dad a lot one day he always said he was teaching us all respect. One day though my younger sister ticked him off I came to her defense so he said if I "punished" her instead he'd leave her alone my Dad is easy to upset so you can imagine how frequently this was. Eventually and I don't even know how this happened but it got to the point where he didn't need to make I just started blaming her for putting me in that position and I would just punish her for the smallest things. Look I'm a despicable human being but I do love my little sister. The point I am making is try talking to her because maybe without showing it she carries a lot of self hate.
there is an old saying, in situations with physical abuse. "the **** always rolls downhill". and that's what happened. once you see it done, you learn it and then you teach it.

break the cycle.
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Old 9th November 2016, 7:39 PM   #30
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I'm so sorry. But you were right to let it out and tell your mom. Listen, I don't want to throw her under the bus, but she knows those two people better than anyone and must have had an inkling and chose to let it go. Probably didn't know how bad it got.

Hey, maybe this will take her mind off her depression or give it a focus. Not your problem.

My sister was mean to me too and my mom only scolded her once for it when she found me tied up in the backyard. She wasn't as bad as yours though.

You have every right to get this out in the open. And be careful of trusting your dad. He did all that to you and the reason he probably isn't anymore is because you're grown and he's a coward and he doesn't want to get in trouble for it. But you should tell him off good one of these days and get it off your chest.
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