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I tried to save my mom, and I'm failing.


JanenotPlain

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JanenotPlain

I'm in my early 30s. I moved home last year to help my mom deal with her mother who has dementia and is in a nursing home, and my father who is a raging abusive alcoholic. I moved out when I was 18 and never really looked back. I thought I could work hard and build a life of my own, a better life than what I came from. And nothing really worked out for me. Relationships failed, professionally I've struggled, financially I struggle because I have a ton of student loan debt. So I thought, maybe this is all happening for a reason. My mom needs my help right now. Maybe my life never took off because I was meant to help her first. Dealing with the stress and abuse from my dad is nearly killing her. I can't save him, but maybe I can help her.

 

It took me about 6 months to convince her to move out. I've watched her cry nearly every day for the past year. Do you have any idea how painful it is to watch your mother cry? I'm getting to the point where it hurts so much I get angry at her for crying. I just want her to be strong already. When is she going to get past all this pain? I've seen her in bad shape mentally, but never like she was last year. He would be laying in bed drunk for days, missing work. She was so nuts she started throwing things at him to wake him up.

 

I got to work. Made financial plans for us to leave. Dragged her to look at houses to rent. Dragged her to two different lawyers. Forced her to go to therapy. I have an older brother, by the way. He's pretty much useless. See while I moved out and learned how to be a grown up, he never did. He's lived at home with both of them in this madness his entire adult life. All those weekends my dad was drunk, my brother played husband and took my mom grocery shopping, to dinner, to the movies. The whole time I was trying to convince her to leave, he was fighting against me- and get this- because he didn't want to pay rent. Can you f*&%ing believe that??? I'd say- how can you sit here and let our mother live like this, all because you don't want to pay rent. You've had so so so long to get your act together and save up money to buy your own house. You didn't do it. You had your chance, I'm sorry. Mom's gotta get out of here.

 

Well the first time she actually told my dad she was going to leave, he then makes this big fake effort to get sober. Signs up for rehab. It was a five day program. Two days into it, he's calling us, demanding to go home. He couldn't hack it. Then he goes to AA. He spent Christmas at his AA meetings instead of with us. He was sober for nearly two months. I give him credit for that. But then he stops going to meetings. And a week or two later he winds up drunk again. My mom lost it completely. Had a huge meltdown.

 

But then finally she agreed to move out. So we did. Well my dad then went on a week long drinking binge and fell down some stairs and broke a few ribs. She spends the next few months more depressed than ever. Barely moving off my couch. I'm doing all the work around the house. I'm doing everything I can to shake her out of it. She won't go to therapy. She finally agreed to take an antidepressant. But day in, day out, I feel like I'm taking care of her and she has these meltdowns all the time. They completely drain the life out of me. She'll start sobbing at 7 in the morning and it ends up destroying my entire day. And that doesn't just happen once in a while, it happens a few times a week, sometimes every day.

 

My dad calls her every single morning at 6am and they argue and she cries all day afterwards. I work from home as I'm starting a new program in a local government agency. And it's so, so difficult to get any work done sometimes. She has no concept of my needs right now- not that she really ever did, taking care of an alcoholic abusive husband.

 

We moved out of the house about 6 months ago. Two months ago my dad got arrested. The police called me one day, asked me to go to his house for questioning. They searched our home for six hours. Dug through boxes of my old stuff from high school, family photos. Asked me all about who I am and what I do for a living, asked me all about my dad. My mom was a complete wreck that day. I was the only one who thought to call her cousin who is a lawyer because I knew my dad was sitting in jail, being questioned, intoxicated and not thinking clearly.

 

As if their financial struggles weren't bad enough before, my dad got himself into this ridiculous but pretty serious, and expensive legal problem. He probably won't go to jail but will be on probation. One day my uncle- dad's brother- confronted her and told her she was the problem, the cause of his drinking. I told him to stay out of our life and never to disrespect my mother again. Anyway that was her last straw. Her brother in law of 40 years speaking to her that way, made her get tougher and talk to a lawyer for real. She finally agreed to get a divorce.

 

But now my dad is manipulating her again. He doesn't want a divorce and he's talking her out of it. And she falls for his crap so so so easily.

 

Meanwhile my life is really just on hold. It's next to impossible to date under all this stress. I feel like my family is such a mess, who would want a relationship with me anyways. Who would even want to have children with me, and deal with my crazy family. I knew this would be hard when I moved back home, but didn't realize this would happen. I knew she needed my help but I didn't know how bad things were with my dad. I didn't know I'd end up convincing her to leave him.

 

I wonder if it was a mistake getting involved. It just felt like the only thing to do, Couldn't watch my mom suffer anymore. She will be okay financially when my grandma dies. I know it's a terrible thing to say, but my nana has zero quality of life at the moment. She'd never want to continue to live with people changing her diapers, feeding her. She can't speak or walk, has no idea who anyone is or what is going on. It is honestly just painful to watch my nana continue to live like that and would be a blessing if she passes away soon.

 

I just needed to vent. I have no one really to talk to. All of my friends have babies and husbands and don't want to be bothered with all of this depressing stuff. And I have to be strong around my mom because someone needs to keep it together. But I'm running out of strength. I'm pretty much faking it at this point, I think all of my strength is gone. Do you think it will ever come back? I'm so ready for my turn to cry, my turn to be weak and let someone take care of me. I've never had that.

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You've taken on the lives of two people who should instead be seeing to your well-being. They are both dysfunctional. I respect your bravery and determination. You have done everything you can do. Your dad has been manipulating and controlling your mom all this time and he continues to have a hold over her. She sounds seriously depressed and in need of a psychiatrist if she's crying all the time. She may need meds or something. So if anything, that would be your next move, getting her to a professional.

 

As far as leaving your dad, she simply may not have the strength. She sounds very beat down. If he lays a hand on her, of course, your mother may apply for a restraining order to help keep him away or jail him if he disobeys it. You have an attorney, and it's costing a fortune, I know. But maybe you should ask how hard it would be to get a guardianship over your mother so you can get a restraining order and make decisions for her. If you document everything about her crying constantly and anything else that might show she isn't competent, you might get one and then have more control over the situation.

 

At least ask your lawyer about it. Also, have you used any resources for victims of abuse? They may have some legal aid or ideas for dealing with this. Look in your town for any women's shelters and contact them. If there are none, make a call to the Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or other victims' organizations online and get some guidance from them.

 

If there happen to be any minors in the home, of course, you can report either of them to Child Protective Services. But it doesn't sound like it.

 

You should try those two ideas and then if your mom is fighting you to go back into that horrible situation, tell her if she does, you're going to distance herself, and then get on with your life with a clear conscience. I saw stats once that said, on average, it took a woman 9 tries to finally leave her abuser.

 

Good luck and bless you for trying to hard.

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Do you think it will ever come back? I'm so ready for my turn to cry, my turn to be weak and let someone take care of me. I've never had that.

 

It will come back

 

I had difficult parents, all my siblings left town long ago. I have a house in another part of town to where my parents place was.

 

My Dad was looking after my Mum who was Dementing further.

 

Dad had a stroke and was in hospital for 6 weeks before he died.

 

Mum could not look after herself and due to some local Authority crap no help was available.

 

I had a business that I loved.

 

I had to move in with Mum and look after her, I lost my business and was tied to my Mum 24/7. None of my siblings turned up until two years later when Mum Died and they wanted their share of the Family assets.

 

It was ironic that I was the one looking after Mum, when I used to call in they would accuse me of stealing things on my previous visit.

 

A lampshade out of the kitchen, one day my Dad phoned me to see if I had his filing cabinet wtf? and many other items, they even changed the locks so I couldn't enter, they had a dim view of me.

 

If you ever need to vent come here, vent.

 

You will do good and achieve what you want to, its tough right now, but who said it would be easy?

 

When you get through this, and you will, you'll be quite awesome; I'm sure. ;)

 

Try this thread, if you scroll down to a post by 'Returning', that was me then, [i lost the passy to the account] but see how my life was.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/89855-my-life-stands#post809882

 

Turned it right around, Karma works both ways

Edited by Nowty V
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JanenotPlain

Thank you. It's really helpful at the same time difficult to talk. I should be in therapy myself but this is a small town and I can't seem to find one who's taking new patients.

 

He hit her once last year, I saw it and almost killed him myself. She said he hit her a long time ago when he was jealous that she danced with another man at her sister's wedding (really long time ago). Other than that, he takes his abuse out on other things. Usually objects. He'll throw things, smash things, hit holes in walls, scream at all of us. He can be so, so hateful when he gets into one of those fits. You always feel like you need to walk on eggshells because the slightest thing or comment will set him off. Anything from changing the TV channel when he left the room and you didn't think he was coming back to watch the show...to running out of Vitamin Water.

 

When I was 12 they split up for two years. He had an affair. So typical, right. I said this in an al-anon meeting but this whole alcoholism thing would be easier for us to swallow if he'd been a great husband and father. But he's pretty much put my mom through hell her entire life. They married when she was 20. As if she hasn't forgiven him and dealt with enough, this is the time in their lives when things should be easy. They're supposed to be little happy retired seniors who...idk, go golfing, fishing, walk on the beach. Join book clubs. Instead he's spending his older years in and out of rehab, jail apparently, getting a divorce at 63 years old. Losing relationships with his children. He has a pretty great job. He's done nothing but work his entire life, six and sometimes seven days/week. If he retires he won't know what to do with himself so he'll probably just drink every day. And due to his lifestyle of drinking, eating terribly, and smoking, his heart is blocked and he'll probably have a heart attack soon. I love my dad. That's what's hard too. At the end of the day, no matter how much he's hurt me, he's still my dad. I don't blame him for any of this. I wish he'd gotten help a long time ago. This isn't the life he wants either.

 

I get sad when I see my friends and how their parents have become kind sweet grandparents who babysit all the time. I feel like maybe my parents would be happier if I had settled down and had children by now. Like they feel guilty for screwing me up, giving me issues that have prevented me from finding a healthy relationship of my own. But then I think, even if I had children, I'd not let my dad alone with them. Or my mom. She can barely take care of herself! She wouldn't be able to look after babies or toddlers. I know that I need to make peace with the fact that my parents won't be those type of grandparents. And just let that go. But it's hard.

 

Thanks Nowty for the hope that my life will turn around. I hope it does too. It's certainly never been easy, not for a minute. I feel so much older than I am sometimes, and so much more tired than I should be. I can't even explain how happy I'd be if something became easier. Anything.

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It sounds very familiar. My dad hit my mother twice too, and once when I was 12, the other when I was a toddler. He had rages, but didn't throw things. My mom tried to leave him after he hit her when I was 12. I'm sorry to say one thing that held her back was me, because we were living on an acreage and I had a horse and things and being in the country meant everything to me, but she wanted to just move to a little house. She put it off until I was out of the house and working after college. I feel bad about it now, of course.

 

Of course, you love your dad. People aren't all good or bad. But that doesn't make it okay he does what he does, and your mom sounds like she's in a really precarious emotional state, so please at least try to see to that.

 

But yes, you deserve your own life. Don't let this stop you. See about help for your mom and then maybe she'll get some momentum of her own and you won't have to carry her.

 

Best wishes things settle down soon.

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I feel so much older than I am sometimes, and so much more tired than I should be. I can't even explain how happy I'd be if something became easier. Anything.

 

It's all a state of mind. What is required is some perspective.

 

My Dad became a whole lot easier when he stopped drinking. I think this is something that could be focused on. You can't do it alone. You can't alter the dynamic between your folks.

 

Could you change the phone number or disable the phone last thing at night and plug it back in at say 8.00am? stopping the wake up calls to your Mum would help.

 

What agencies for Social Assistance are available in your area? Can you form a relationship with his Doctor?

 

Any of these actions may cause your Dad to act up but give him enough rope and he'll hang himself. It will be his doing, not yours, so no facility for guilt.

 

Any crazy making on his part, depending on the severity, the Police can be involved.

 

The important things are your mental health, your Mums mental health, your Dads physical and mental health.

 

Your Dad obviously isn't happy with himself but what is the underlying cause of his addiction?

 

Stopping his drinking will cut you some slack.

 

All you can do is take it a day at a time. Try and identify the main objectives, structure a plan and work towards your goal.

 

Build stuff in for daily me time and enrichment for you, candles around the bath and music you like, yoga dvd, it's your call.

 

I bang on about Compassion Meditation in these forums and I can't praise it highly enough, it may be a surreal concept but I've used it successfully to be more 'measured' in the world.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mett%C4%81

 

Are you spiritual? Do you like poetry? check out Pablo Neruda's Sonnet 17

 

Above all be You ;)

Edited by Nowty V
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JanenotPlain

Well I can't mess with her phone because she's worried that he will have a heart attack and he has no one else to call- other than 911. He's all alone in the world right now. Plus she keeps her phone by her at night in case something happens with my Nana, the nursing home needs to call her. So...I can't do that.

 

His doctor. Well this guy is the one who keeps prescribing my dad Xanax, which you are not supposed to give to anyone with a substance abuse problem. But my dad has tons of anxiety, even moreso when he's sober. The month or two he was sober a few months ago, when I still lived with him- wow. I've never seen someone with so much anxiety. Pacing around the house, talking a mile a minute, visibly full of stress. He was probably always like that when I was younger I just didn't realize it was a problem.

Anyway, what do you think I can accomplish by talking to his doctor?

 

Social Assistance in my area....we have Al-Anon. I've been to those meetings. It can be helpful. It's also really painful. I feel like I'm living with so much daily stress at the moment, my own health is taking a dive, and if I get free time or time to myself the last thing I want to do is go to an Al-Anon meeting and cry with other people who are dealing with this. If that makes sense. When I get time for myself, I want to exercise, sleep, relax, visit friends, just detach from all of it.

 

I don't think we have much other social assistance.

 

The underlying cause of his addiction....first off it runs in the family. Both of his parents were alcoholics. He had very abusive parents. His mom left his dad when they were 7 or 8. She took them on a train a few states away. Decided that her kids were too much of a headache so she threw their belongings in a brown paper bag and dumped her 4 kids off on their dad's doorstep. He had remarried another woman who loved to get drunk. My grandpa and step-grandma would go out, get drunk, come home and yell at the kids. There are a lot of really ugly stories I've been told about his childhood. Always being screamed at, always being beaten, once she held a knife to his throat. My dad and his twin brother used to steal to get money for school clothes and shoes. When they were 15 they decided to move out because they'd be better off. They used to steal cars and sell the parts. A few years later he met my mom. Her family wasn't perfect but at least she had a family. My dad thought he struck gold, and my mom thought she couldn't do any better because her mom told her she was damaged goods. She was date raped, got pregnant, and was forced to have an abortion. She's hated herself for that her entire life. There you have it, there's the happy love story that I come from.

 

My dad needs therapy. Years and years of it. He started seeing a therapist now, because his lawyer is making him go. He's never dealt with issues from his childhood. Being abandoned by his mom, abused by his dad and stepmom. When I was younger I described him as a workaholic.

 

I can try to be more spiritual. I know that helps people. I used to be religious. I'll try the mediation, thank you.

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You make perfect sense

 

 

"When I get time for myself, I want to exercise, sleep, relax, visit friends, just detach from all of it."

 

time is the great healer...

 

:)

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JanenotPlain

And now she thinks she needs to move back in with him. She's afraid of supporting herself- even though my brother and I are helping her, she feels guilty about living off of her kids. My dad says if he has to pay alimony he'll just quit his job. She says she doesn't have the strength to fight him in court and is terrified of paying for a lawyer. So she thinks she is stuck and needs to move back in with him. I'm afraid she will literally kill him if she lives with him again. She keeps saying she wants to. And I know that sounds crazy but at this point nothing surprises me in this family.

 

My brother tells her he's tired of dealing with her depression and misery so maybe she should go back to live with our dad. Can you believe that?! How can he feel that way! They all used to say I was the selfish one because I left home and lived my life far away. But my parents supported him through his own drug and alcohol problems, legal problems, struggles in school, struggles in life, for his entire adult life. He's never lived on his own and he's 36. Now he finally has a real job, it took him 14 years to finish college and get a real job. They gave him that time. Now he won't give my mom another year to get separated from my dad? Because he can't handle her depression?!

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Your bro isn't helpful

 

There must come a time when you ask 'What do I want from all this?'

 

It appears as though you could end up you against the three of them trying to save your Mum who may not want saving.

 

Your loyalty and compassion for your Mum is outstanding, but how much of this can you take/stand or need?

 

I do not see that you are failing, but you do seem to be swimming against the tide.

 

Always remember, you can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

 

You have made a decision, taken a course of action and are determined to see it through, that's pretty damn amazing. Don't lose sight of you.

 

I hope your Dad's enforced counselling comes up trumps.

 

When I need a change in head-space I look to the Tao

 

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” ~ Lao Tzu

 

“Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself.” ~ Lao Tzu

 

33 Life Changing Lessons to Learn from Lao Tzu - Purpose Fairy

 

 

Stay you & stay strong ;)

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JanenotPlain

How much of this can I take? I'm pretty sure at this point I can take anything.

What do I want of this? I'd like to help my parents. I'd like my dad to get sober, go to therapy, learn how to be happy with the few years he has left in his life. I'd like my mom to do the same, learn how to enjoy the last few years of her life. I doubt I'll have both my parents alive in ten years. But I hope I do. I'd like to have a clear conscience, that I tried to help and did the right thing.

 

The three of them against me...well, my dad has dug his own grave. He's lucky I even still talk to him. I'm sure many people wouldn't. My brother is fine, he just wants to bury his head in the sand and wait for it all to blow over. My mom is thankful for my help even though sometimes she gets angry with me too.

 

One of my friends told me to let this all go, step away and focus on my own life again. I just feel like that's all I've been doing and that didn't really work either. I've always lived pretty far away- whether on the opposite coast or opposite side of the state (CA is a pretty large state) and even though they're dysfunctional, I do miss my family. It's difficult to live so close and not get sucked into the fray. But I think that's the key. Learning how to live with them and not get sucked into this.

 

She needs to go to therapy and I can't make her go. She doesn't want to move in with my dad, she knows that would be miserable. But she can't see the blessings she has in front of her, keeps dwelling on the imaginary life she lost. The nicer house, with nicer things. To me, I think what good is a nice house when you have to walk on eggshells in it and live with a sociopath. I'll take a tiny crowded condo full of happiness any day. But maybe she can't see that.

 

I hope it wasn't a mistake for me to get involved. I know she would have never left him if it weren't for my meddling and coaxing. Today I supported her by making her a sandwich because she was a sobbing mess and couldn't function. She was so positive last night, talking about getting a part time job. And then today my dad asks for paperwork about their investments and retirement, and she completely loses it. She's so afraid he will take everything away from her.

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How much of this can I take? I'm pretty sure at this point I can take anything.

 

Hell Yeah.. That's the spirit ;)

 

I just feel like that's all I've been doing and that didn't really work either.

 

I hear you on this one.. although not easy I rode shotgun for my Mum, Dad and severely disabled brother for 25 years. Two other brothers and a sister had left town long since. I lived away [from the City] for 18 months, but came back and was glad to be there to assist them, wouldn't have had it any other way, when they required.

 

I think that's the key. Learning how to live with them and not get sucked into this.

 

It is.

 

I never did get any positive affirmation or acceptance/approval but in the end it didn't matter, I could live with myself and sleep well.

 

And I got to hear stories from way back when that nobody else heard.

 

 

 

Here's book 1 of the Tao of Lao tzu

 

The Way - cannot be told.

The Name - cannot be named.

The nameless is the Way of Heaven and Earth.

The named is Matrix of the Myriad Creatures.

Eliminate desire to find the Way.

Embrace desire to know the Creature.

The two are identical,

But differ in name as they arise.

Identical they are called mysterious,

Mystery on mystery,

The gate of many secrets.

 

 

Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching: The Book of The Way and its Virtue

Edited by Nowty V
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ChickiePops

I know this sounds trite but it's the truth..you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Neither of your parents appear to want to change, so there's absolutely nothing you can do except extricate yourself from the situation. Perhaps they need to hit rock bottom before they are ready to fix themselves.

 

I've never met my dad but I went through it with my mom before she died so I can certainly empathize. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

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And now she thinks she needs to move back in with him. She's afraid of supporting herself- even though my brother and I are helping her, she feels guilty about living off of her kids. My dad says if he has to pay alimony he'll just quit his job. She says she doesn't have the strength to fight him in court and is terrified of paying for a lawyer. So she thinks she is stuck and needs to move back in with him. I'm afraid she will literally kill him if she lives with him again. She keeps saying she wants to. And I know that sounds crazy but at this point nothing surprises me in this family.

 

My brother tells her he's tired of dealing with her depression and misery so maybe she should go back to live with our dad. Can you believe that?! How can he feel that way! They all used to say I was the selfish one because I left home and lived my life far away. But my parents supported him through his own drug and alcohol problems, legal problems, struggles in school, struggles in life, for his entire adult life. He's never lived on his own and he's 36. Now he finally has a real job, it took him 14 years to finish college and get a real job. They gave him that time. Now he won't give my mom another year to get separated from my dad? Because he can't handle her depression?!

 

Your brother is like that because look who his role model was. I'm very sorry your mother doesn't have it in her to get out of the situation. If your father should quit his job to avoid paying support, assuming she has support coming, he will go to jail.

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He can't take anything away from her. I understand if neither has money for an attorney, but if he gets one, she'll have to get one. If they have no money, the house would have to be sold to pay for that, assuming they own a house. If they have no money or assets, good luck getting an attorney. But the court will not let him take anything and if he's the abusive one and you provide eye witnesses to that fact, it will go fine for her and probably would anyway. She is just making excuses to stay and maybe material things ARE more important to her than they ought to be. But she could get two crap jobs and support herself, especially with your help.

 

 

If she won't do it, though, you should move off and just forget about it and use all your money to make a nice life for yourself and not let them babysit your kids if you have them and mess them up.

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And yesterday he got arrested again. He sent her a text message asking to let him go in peace. I'm afraid he might try to kill himself. I don't know what to do. All along this past year I always knew how to get through every problem that we've encountered but he keeps creating bigger and bigger problems. He's not even finished settling the last arrest and then did something stupid again, he most certainly will go to jail now. He's said he'd never go to jail and would rather die. He now wants to sign everything financial over to my mom which suggests giving up completely- whereas she thought he'd want to fight her to keep everything. I've told her he doesn't have fight left. Sadly I'm right. Now she feels guilty like she should have stayed and not filed for divorce and that all caused him to hit rock bottom. And this incident will also cause him to lose his job, no doubt about that. Financially we were already sinking and now with one more legal battle and criminal charge to pay for plus his lost job. I don't know what to do. Maybe getting my mom out was a mistake. Maybe I should have stayed away, let them live together in their dysfunctional life. It was dysfunctional but it actually worked better than what's going on right now. She keeps crying but my tears are gone. Usually when I'm not able to cry it's because I'm trying to stay focused on finding a solution and trying to stay strong for her. Right now I just feel numb to everything.

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Begin this day by taking care of you. Start making decisions that create independence for yourself.

 

Your Mom is going to do what she knows. Your Dad will continue to do what he does.

 

 

So you do for yourself. Do the best you can to have a bright future!

 

Read the book codependent no more by Beattie.

 

And maybe some al anon meetings will help you seek guidance - this isn't YOUR problem to solve - staying involved will just look more awful.

 

Get busy getting away from this dis functional family - this is 'normal to them' - but it doesn't have to be normal for you.

 

Can you move? Can you minimize the contact with them knowing that the dynamics aren't likely to change?

 

Counseling may help you understand that THEIR behavior and choices shouldn't HAVE TO affect you and YOUR happiness...?

 

I know it's hard but create distance so it gives you space to build a future FOR YOURSELF.

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Can I have him committed? I don't think so. I can look into that. I'll go see him today. See though- one person's advice is to get more involved (have him committed so he can't hurt himself) and the next advice is to get less involved and distance myself.

 

That's the same dialogue I have in my head. I can't reconcile the two perspectives because they both make sense to me. I know I can't fix him or her, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to try.

 

STB I don't know if you read my OP but I did move away. I did distance myself. Since I was 18. I've educated myself, lived thousands of miles away for all these years. All while knowing that their lives were falling apart. I saw things getting worse and worse. I saw my mom physically aging from the stress. She went from looking like the mother I knew in a few months to looking very, very old. Too old for 62. I saw the strength and light in her start to die. Now it's almost completely gone. She's basically a shell of a person, just hanging on, barely even going through the motions.

 

How can anyone sit by and let that happen to their own mother? How can one make the decision to just let them suffer when you know you can help? I felt like I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try. If my own life had gone differently and I'd had my own children by now, this would be different. I'd have children to take care of and I'd put them first. I've always put myself first and I'm all alone. So that didn't seem like the right answer either.

 

I've been to al-anon. I've been to therapy.

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To predict a future - most will continue the way their history has been. You an assume that your Mom has this life based on her decisions. And her decisions are based on your Dad - who is not in his right mind.

 

You can't help ANYONE if they won't help themself first.

 

The pattern between them will repeat (or so history shows).

 

You can't have Dad committed if he doesn't verbally or physically show harm to self or others in front of authorities.

 

 

 

It is best to only help yourself at this point. Make decisions that help yourself.

 

 

What did YOU learn about YOURSELF in therapy and al anon?

 

Do you carry the knight in shining armor/rescuer temperament into other areas of your life?

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How can anyone sit by and let that happen to their own mother?

 

you couldn't, enough said.

 

Things may have come to head sooner this way. Potentially you have saved your Mom, without you stepping in there is a good chance your Dad would have made your Mom's life a long drawn out misery.

 

He was always headed where he's arrived at. His lawyer made him go to therapy, he didn't grasp the opportunity with both hands.

 

You didn't cause it, You can't cure it, it's not about you.

 

Just be there for your Mom, get everything signed over to her and let him go and do what he will.

 

He had a choice and he chose oblivion, such is life.

 

Stay strong JNP :)

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JanenotPlain

I talked my mom out of going to see him yesterday. She wanted to go "sober him up", because we know he's just been drunk in bed for several days since getting arrested and likely getting fired. I reminded her about all the other times she tried to sober him up, and how that went down (lots of yelling, lots of frustration, no positive outcome=wasted energy) and reminded her that she's tried for ten years to fix him. She said if he wants to die she'll go buy some vodka for him to drink to put him out of his misery. I told her she needs to stop saying that crap, I know she doesn't mean it but....ugh.

 

I told her to call her lawyer for advice. Figure out if he's going to jail, how to handle this new arrest, how to sell the house, etc. He can't make the house payment without his job. They are both losing their health insurance and neither of them are healthy. She's diabetic and he has clogged arteries in his heart.

 

Her lawyer said if we were worried about his mental state we could ask the police to take him to the hospital for 72 hour watch. I'm thinking of calling his therapist. I don't know what to do.

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It's not for you to do.

 

It's not for her to do.

 

 

It's on him... And he likely won't do any of it.

 

Accept that and wash your hands.

 

No more pleading with mom - no more arguments. Just tell her you're finished being involved - and when she brings it up tell her it's not yours to handle and you don't want to hear it.

 

 

My friend lived this life for 40 years... She FINALLY got sick of it and stopped covering up for him. It got worse - she finally divorced him... She's never been happier.

 

But some people are used to that drama and chaos and find life boring without it.

 

She is what she chooses. She CAN choose a new path. Maybe she will if she realizes everyone left that path she's on - and she's standing there alone.

 

 

Don't continue going down that destructive path with her just because she dumps her crap onto you to fix. Tell her "that's yours to handle, not mine".

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JanenotPlain

S2B you don't really seem to understand where I'm coming from. I think your advice is a little harsh and selfish. How do you know whether or not my efforts have or haven't helped? From the posts I wrote? Maybe something I've said to my dad will click next week or next month. Maybe if I go talk to him today I can wake him up and shake him out of it.

Maybe I can't.

 

Seriously when would you pull the plug on your own parents? When do you decide to give up? I agree that family means different things to different people. You may not be as close to your parents as I am to mine. I have a friend who never even speaks to her parents. And I don't know why, they're good people who supported her through college, helped pay her rent while she waited for a dream job in a big city, and love her unconditionally. She just doesn't like them so she never calls or visits them. It makes me sad, I'd love to have healthy functioning parents as an adult.

 

Anyway, what I'll never understand about people who say to just walk away from all of this- is how do you deal with the regret of NOT doing something? How do you live with that guilt of knowing that you should have tried harder?

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Her lawyer said if we were worried about his mental state we could ask the police to take him to the hospital for 72 hour watch.

 

Do this. ^^

 

You're paying for the legal advice [per contact] why ask if you're not going to take the advice?

 

Legally it's the way forward.

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