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Horrible info about my father


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I was raised by my single mother and never have known my father. I was always told he ran off before I was born and wasn't worth knowing.

 

Tonight my aunt told me that the man who is my father was never my mom's boyfriend, but a friend who she was driving home that beat her and raped her. My aunt started screaming racial slurs about my African American father, and how he beat and raped her little sister. It all started because I said i want to meet him some day. I've never seen someone so angry

 

My heart is broken. I've never heard any of these things before. I feel like a monster. What should I say to my mom?

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What were you guys talking about that she would bring this up?

 

Answer

 

It all started because I said i want to meet him some day.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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I was always told he ran off before I was born and wasn't worth knowing.

Well, you now have confirmation that he isn't worth knowing.

 

I feel like a monster.

YOU are not a monster. Just because there is some DNA inside you from someone who might be horrible doesn't mean that you are.

 

What should I say to my mom?

Does she know that your aunt told you the secret? There are probably reasons your Mom didn't want you to know.

 

The best thing you can do is be the best person you can - to your Mom and the rest of the world. Prove the scientific adage that nurture (how you were raised) is more potent than nature (the genes that produced you).

 

Love and cherish your Mother to the best of your ability for the rest of your life. Despite what happened to her, she chose to bring you into this world - to love and take care of you. Others in her shoes might have considered adoption or abortion. Respect her decisions and be worthy of what was obviously a horrific time for her and strive to be the best person you can.

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They say there are three sides to every story. I have a feeling your curiosity won't end until you know the truth.

 

You have two versions of her side. I wouldn't hold it against you if you continued your quest until you find out the truth. Then make a decision from there of how to proceed depending on what you find - good, bad or ugly.

 

I'm sure your mother has long known that you may want to know your father. I think it's a natural urge.

 

As I said, I don't have a problem with you moving forward. Just be considerate of your mom knowing the rape allegations may be true. Or may not be true.

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Your aunt handled this really poorly. If she had concerns about you saying you would like to meet your father one day then she should have spoken to your mom about it. It wasn't her place to tell you and it doesn't sound like she showed much concern for you.

 

My mother was also raped by my father. It was a messed up situation because she had sex with him numerous times. The first time he forced himself on her but then she went on to have a relationship with him and had consensual sex with him. That sounds crazy but she was only 17 and didn't know how to handle the situation.

 

I didn't know he initially raped her until I was 32yrs old and by that time I was secure enough in myself to not feel like his actions had anything to do with me. The kicker is that my mother only told me this AFTER I met him. I wouldn't have ever wanted to meet him if knew this info beforehand. I met him when I was 30. He was in his late sixties and seemed to want to get to know me. I was pretty reserved about the whole thing to begin with and was only slowly allowing him into my life when my mother told me. After that I distanced myself from him and only saw him a few more times before he died.

 

Your fathers actions have nothing to do with who you are. You are not a monster. You need a big hug. (((Hug))) I'm so sorry that the person who delivered this news was so insensitive and careless with your feelings. Of course your mother loved and cherished you just like any mom loves and cherishes their child. I kind of disagree with the sentiments of the previous poster who kind of made it sound like your mom was a saint for loving you and raising you, like it was some enormous sacrafice or feat. That is BS. You were and are every bit as loveable and deserving as any other child. Your mom kept you and raised you because she fell in love with you the same way all moms fall in love with their babies. Don't let this news affect your self worth. Nothing has changed, you are still the same person you were before you had this info.

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Ok, bear with me...

 

Is your Aunt a racist person? It is entirely possible your mother was raped. It is also possible your mother dated a man, got pregnant, was abandoned, and your Aunt can't wrap her mind around her sister having sex with someone outside her race willingly, so...

 

The only way to know what actually happened is to ask your mother.

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Nope... I've never heard my aunt say that word before. She was drinking so that might've added to things. I'm not positive. I've just felt sick all day.

 

I mean i stick out in my family. My step dad is white blonde hair blue eyes and so are my brothers. I've never seen my mom with a black man... I feel lost.

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bubbaganoosh

If I were you, I would hug your mother and tell her how much you love her. She loved you enough to bring you in this world and love you with all her heart. I find it inexcusable that any woman should have to go through that and I am a man just in case your wondering

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May I kindly and respectfully inquire to what extent this is even True?

 

How did you have this confirmed factually?

 

I realize that heritage is an important part of a person identity sometimes....

yet I assure you that at my ripe age , somethings my relatives told me I simply believed....Til I got factual evidence...and THAT changed everything.

 

I had no reason to challenge my relatives...and they certainly didn't mean to bend the truth, yet it was more then bent. So I ask that you continue to seek your heritage and remain objective in your quest.....

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I'm so sorry! I have never met my father, either, so I can imagine... Not sure how old you are, but when I was growing up and even in my 20's I had a lot of fantasies about who my father was and what it would be like to meet him. And obviously that information would kill all of your hopes if you had been doing the same.

 

It is particularly sad to me that race is a complicating factor here. When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but my mom. I look exactly like her. But you feel like you stick out, and I imagine you do. And you might (probably) feel like what makes you different is this terrible guy. I hope you know that a lot of what came from him also made you beautiful and smart and resilient, etc.

 

I used to be a criminal defense attorney and my clients shad all committed terrible violent crimes, but I got to know them as people. And I really truly believe that there is goodness in everyone and that all of us are more and better than the worst thing we've ever done. You have no idea what's happened in his life since that night. He is very likely a totally different person now. And you have every right to want to know your father, even knowing what you know now (assuming it's true). And you can take him at face value and give this whatever small or large importance you need to. You don't have to hate him, though of course you can. It is totally up to you!

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todreaminblue

hey downie.....im sorry how you found out about your dad......its hard when you find out you born of rape no matter who tells you..i struggled with the monster thing too...in a way and soemtimes i still do struggle it makes em really sad......born of violence is what upsets me most.......your aunt had no right to do so though...tell you..it wasnt her place too...my mother told me....when i was an adult that my father raped her resulting in ....me....she also told me that most people around her including her doctor wanted her to have an abortion......even though she was actually married to my father ..my mother had just had a still born baby(my brother ) in which she nearly died herself.....and then my dad raped her ....when my mum told her mum she was keeping me regardless of everything and anything anyone else said...my nanna slapped her.....

 

my mother went against everyone and had me.......and i love her even more so.....because of that.....

 

we might find it hard to deal with...but what we really need to concentrate on is the incredible unwavering strength of our mothers...the love they have for us......my mum is tiny....smilin.....but she is my superhero.......my lil pocket rocket of strength..tell your mum you love her......hold her tight...tell her often.....

 

one day when you feel ready be open with her and let her know what you were told..and discuss it calmly....gage how she is about opening up......and talking with you about it...she may not be ready or ever ready to talk about it.....let her decide when she is ready....and in the mean time ....love her ....and let her know that you do ...that is all you have to do...you are not a monster and neither am i...god has reasons for everything....this life you were given....make it count for good.....be a light to those around you....and whatever you do...hold your head up..if you are a light....then no darkness in sadness will touch you for long.....hugs to ya sister.....deb.

Edited by todreaminblue
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todreaminblue

i would like to add ...my dad found me and wanted to meet me..he told me he was really sick....i asked my mum first if she minded that i met him....my mum sadi no she didnt but she didnt want to know anything about it...that she didnt hate him..but she wanted nothing to do with him.....so ...i chose to meet him...

 

i also met my other half sister...she is a beautiful heart....in that first meeting.....i asked my dad why he raped my mum......he denied raping her.....but he would not look me in the eye.....after that first meeting he became persistent in wanting to see me...i said i needed time to digest how i felt.....he was rather aggressive ....that and the fact my mum and my sister and my partner at the time began to be anxious about him and me visiting him.......i cut contact with him.....i had a last meeting with my half sister(which i am sad about) and i gave her my necklace and told her that i wanted her to have it to remember me by.....i have not seen my half sister or father since.....

 

 

i needed to meet him to have closure if anything........to continue a relationship with him and my other sister would have been damaging to my family that i had with me.......so i chose not too continue a relationship with him..i dont regret meeting him and it may be something you have to do ..find your dad..meet him..but consider it seriously.....before you do.....some things are best left alone....and it may not be in the best interest of your mum or yourself to meet him...deb

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My mom called me. My aunt called her this morning and told her what she said. She said she was mad at my aunt and she was sorry she said that to me. I asked if it was true, and she said yes. I wanted her to tell me the real story and she said I didn't need to know the details... she said she didn't want me to get hurt and so she never told me. It actually makes me mad.

 

She said that we saw him once when I was about three and he chased us to our car, and the only thing she was worried about was my safety. Then she said if I want to talk to my grandparents, I can, she has their information,and kept in contact with them, but not his.

 

She said that no matter what I do I'll always be her baby boy, and she'll support my decision.

 

I feel so sad for her, and I feel so much respect for her. I can't believe she put up with all that.

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Thank her forbeing strong hearted, strong minded, for living you, sacrificing for yiu, for being a greater singular part of something greaterthan herself, bless her and bestow endless blessings upon here, for taking something literally born of mental, emotional pain, anguish, heartbreak, endless worry, self doubt, self eroding of one's very spirit. And turning it all in to,..?

 

A creation of besuty, positivity, joy, happiness, love, and Kazimierz beyondwhat mere words can bestow,......

 

YOU!

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