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Boyfriend dislikes my 3-yr-old


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My boyfriend does not really like my three-year-old son. I am wondering whether this is a big red flag, or growing pain that can be dealt with. Some background.:

 

Boyfriend is a good man and we love each other. We both have fairly successful, fairly philanthropic careers. I'm 39, he's 47. We actually seriously dated about 15 years ago. Back then, we were very fond of each other, but I went off to law school and he left for his post doctorate. We got back in touch a year and a half ago, right after I'd divorced from a very short marriage with someone else.

 

My divorce was a little traumatic mostly because my ex was a low-functioning, unreasonable person. And because the divorce involved an (at the time) 18 month old child. So my current boyfriend came into this relationship during that stressful time. Me struggling with boundaries around parenting time, me worrying frankly too much about ex's parenting, and general fallout and chaos from unexpectedly contentious divorce with small child.

 

I am a lawyer and former nanny, I come from a good family, I am living in a good house in a great neighborhood. My son is three, he is with me usually five days a week including weekends, I have him in a good preschool, my parents live nearby on a gorgeous plot of land, my son is well-adjusted and looks to have a bright future.

 

My boyfriend has been talking about marriage since last year. He planned to fly me to Rome and propose last winter, but there was an airline strike and my flight was canceled. He continued talking about marriage, But lately, not as much. He says that interpersonally we are good, and I agree, and we do love each other.

 

But last night my boyfriend told me that he does not really like my son. My son is a normal, typical three-year-old. He is bright and healthy, but being three, he does things like stalls for bedtime, tests boundaries, throws things around the house (and I deal with these things appropriately or try to). I spend a lot of time playing with him. Boyfriend plays with him too and he likes boyfriend. He does not throw a lot of tantrums at all, but he does things like expert-level stall/distract, trying to insist on playing (usually with me/us) when I need him to get into the car, let me get shoes on him or whatever. At bedtime he runs out of his room every 20 seconds for an hour... Boyfriend hates that. He hates when son wakes crying for me in the night (which I usually go in and tuck him in, turn on night light or whatever he's crying for).

 

Boyfriend also said that he does not think my son is cute, he thinks he is a jerk, and he kind of dislikes him but treats him well because he loves me. It creeped me out to hear it.

 

I should add that my boyfriend is a very decent person, though I would not call him soft or sweet necessarily. He is a good man, honorable, he is high-functioning and intelligent. He would never mistreat my son. He buys my son little things and takes my son and me on little outings, such as fishing, but he told me that he does that only because he loves me.

 

I don't have my boyfriend ever take care of my son, except when (lately) he occasionally encourages me to go for a jog and offers to play with son while I do.

 

Boyfriend feels as though my son is bratty to me, when he (son) wakes in the night crying for a stuffed animal or similar.

 

And my boyfriend thinks that any of son's neediness or boundary-testing is because of my ex, whom my boyfriend utterly despises. He believes my son is a conduit between me and my ex, especially because my ex kind of used son as a pawn during (and after) divorce. Lately I have set much better boundaries with ex so that ex is not really in the picture week-to-week. But I believe that my boyfriend may have already gotten fed up with the post-divorce melee before I set said recent boundaries. I may have already ruined it.

 

In other words, he looks at son, and up rises the specter of icky ex.

 

I think boyfriend feels less relevant than he'd like to be in my and son's lives. Very early in our relationship he wanted to talk to me about taking on a disciplinary or co-authority, parenting-partner role. But I told him (at the time) that I was uncomfortable with that. I was a newly single mother and I did not think my new boyfriend should have a parent role. Time has passed since then, and I would expect the whole dynamic to grow, but I think he is still resenting that early conversation.

 

Boyfriend says he'd likely feel different if son were his own biological son.

 

I now feel very protective of my son. I'm upset to hear that my boyfriend dislikes and even resents a 3-yr-old child. I feel disappointed in boyfriend.

 

I wonder whether this relationship is not worth pursuing because it is too risky to expose my son to this dynamic.

 

Or is this just a common problem with a boyfriend coming in to a relationship with a mother of a young child, and something we can deal with?

 

I know I probably contributed to my bf feeling irrelevant and seeing the specter of ex looming. I'd like to turn that around. But for him to to go so far as dislike the child... Can I even work with that?

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How long have you've been dating. I am surprised you have introduced a new man into your son's life esp since things are still so contentious between you and your ex. Frankly I was surprised to hear you are dating. It doesn't seem like you are ready.

 

But to answer your question yes it would be a big problem for me to have a BF tell me he doesn't like my kid and it would be different if it was his own bio kid.

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Pretty cheeky to directly tell a dating partner one 'doesn't like' a family member they live with and are responsible for. This guy must be all that and a bag of Cheetos to not be summarily ejected. I couldn't imagine a lady I dated, and I dated a lot of single mothers, tolerating that for more than two seconds.

 

Yeah, having a child means contact, most of the time, with the child's other parent. Part of the deal. That's what co-parenting is and dating partners, BF/GF, spouses will necessarily deal with that. It's part of being an adult and, well, he's 47. Old enough to wear adult shoes.

 

The only compromise I can see, barring a change in his attitude, is socialize whenever convenient to your responsibilities as a mother and accept that this won't be a long-term you and me forever we're a family thing.

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Three-year-olds are hard to love if they're not yours. They're a constant distraction and usually destructive and it gets really old being around toddlers because besides their noise and stuff, you can't ever get the mother's attention because she has to just watch them and that's going to last for a couple more years until they're expected to start behaving less like greedy monkeys and more like people.

 

I would not say it's a red flag. But I would say that you shouldn't jump into anything with this man and should wait until the dust settles in a couple of years and try to minimize his time sharing the toddler with you, even though that means not seeing each other as much. Do you have a babysitter?

 

I used to get really mad at my friend's toddler who used to hit her if she talked to anyone else when he wanted her full attention. She thought he was too young to teach anything until he was 7 -- read too little of the wrong book, I guess.

 

He's old enough to understand that a toddler takes all a mother's attention. But if you want to date, you should be prepared to hire a babysitter and give the man some alone time with you. If relations between the two don't improve by the time your son is maybe 6 and forming real sentences and at which time I trust and assume that you will have him trained to sometimes go off and play by himself and not to interrupt adult conversation, then is when the flag would go up, simply that he's not really into any kids at all.

 

I don't know in what manner he told you he doesn't like your son or if he was just saying he's not really into babies or toddlers or kids, but unless you believe it was designed to hurt you or he is a threat to your son, I see no reason to take offence just because someone doesn't enjoy your toddler. Lots of people don't like being around toddlers. They're the worst and you can't visit around them. Unless they're your own, of course. Then you're used to them and can't see why everyone doesn't think they should be the Gerber baby. It's good we're built that way, but it's mostly for our own kids.

 

I'd look into how he is with his own kids, if he has them. If he doesn't have them, he's probably not going to stick around for this. If he's been a good father and has well adjusted kids, he won't do yours any harm. If they all hate him or he's not supporting them or they're all a big mess, maybe not the right man for your household.

 

It's hard to do what all you're trying to do, being a lawyer, working, recent divorce, and a new old bf all while trying to raise your son. I commend you. With that much to do, it isn't going to be easy, no matter who you date. It might be easier to date no one, but you have him and you love him. Just know he's going to be useless at least until the kid can wear a mitt, if not beyond.

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Three-year-olds are hard to love if they're not yours. They're a constant distraction and usually destructive and it gets really old being around toddlers because besides their noise and stuff, you can't ever get the mother's attention because she has to just watch them and that's going to last for a couple more years until they're expected to start behaving less like greedy monkeys and more like people.

 

I would not say it's a red flag. But I would say that you shouldn't jump into anything with this man and should wait until the dust settles in a couple of years and try to minimize his time sharing the toddler with you, even though that means not seeing each other as much. Do you have a babysitter?

 

I used to get really mad at my friend's toddler who used to hit her if she talked to anyone else when he wanted her full attention. She thought he was too young to teach anything until he was 7 -- read too little of the wrong book, I guess.

 

He's old enough to understand that a toddler takes all a mother's attention. But if you want to date, you should be prepared to hire a babysitter and give the man some alone time with you. If relations between the two don't improve by the time your son is maybe 6 and forming real sentences and at which time I trust and assume that you will have him trained to sometimes go off and play by himself and not to interrupt adult conversation, then is when the flag would go up, simply that he's not really into any kids at all.

 

I don't know in what manner he told you he doesn't like your son or if he was just saying he's not really into babies or toddlers or kids, but unless you believe it was designed to hurt you or he is a threat to your son, I see no reason to take offence just because someone doesn't enjoy your toddler. Lots of people don't like being around toddlers. They're the worst and you can't visit around them. Unless they're your own, of course. Then you're used to them and can't see why everyone doesn't think they should be the Gerber baby. It's good we're built that way, but it's mostly for our own kids.

 

I'd look into how he is with his own kids, if he has them. If he doesn't have them, he's probably not going to stick around for this. If he's been a good father and has well adjusted kids, he won't do yours any harm. If they all hate him or he's not supporting them or they're all a big mess, maybe not the right man for your household.

 

It's hard to do what all you're trying to do, being a lawyer, working, recent divorce, and a new old bf all while trying to raise your son. I commend you. With that much to do, it isn't going to be easy, no matter who you date. It might be easier to date no one, but you have him and you love him. Just know he's going to be useless at least until the kid can wear a mitt, if not beyond.

 

Thank you, this is excellent feedback.

 

He has no children. He wants a child with me, but I'm not willing to have a child with him (much as I'd love to) if he doesn't accept my own child.

 

Unfortunately he may leave if I decide to wait and give it time. I guess that's up to him. But I'd feel so sad, I don't want that.

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ChickiePops

Why in the world would he tell you this? The only reasons I can think of are 1. that he wants you to offer to give your ex primary custody, or 2. he wants to lower your expectations of how he treats your son in the future.

 

Picture this. You marry this guy, have his child..one day he comes home from work with a huge present for his biological child and nothing for his stepson. He tells his bio kid how much he loves them and barely looks at your son. Even just imagining the look on your sons face breaks my heart.

 

Step one I think is to find out his motives for telling you that he doesn't like your son. Then you can assess whether or not this relationship is salvageable.

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Oh my! Yes, HUGE red flags! For this man to go as far as to tell you that he doesn't find your toddler attractive is beyond the pale. He isn't just annoyed by this child, he has a deep-seeded hatred for this child. He sounds like a complete jerk and all the red flags I see are on your own end.

 

Why do you have someone living with your child so soon after a breakup of the family?

 

Why would you allow someone with such negative feelings toward your child to have ANY access to him?

 

What are you looking for in this relationship? A loving family unit in which to raise your child? OR a constant power struggle between your immature man and your own innocent child?

 

Why would any man want to be allowed to disincline YOUR child in the early stages of the relationship?

 

Do you honestly trust this man with your child? (It doesn't sound like it!)

 

There are so many red flags here that I'm exhausted just thinking about it. You need to reexamine your own need to put a romantic partner ahead of your responsibility to your child. I'm sorry that this sounds harsh, but your post was shocking and I think your child would be in ultimate danger of emotional abuse with this man-child.

 

Please put that marriage talk on hold, the resentment this man harbors for your child will only intensify over time.

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Yeah, he's not living with us and as far as son is concerned, the relationship has been similar to that of a family friend/uncle. Which worked because son was 1 and a half years old when we started dating, we gradually introduced son to bf, and I knew bf well (we kept our friendship after dating 15 yrs ago).

 

Boyfriend has put a lot of time/effort into interacting with son (with me there), talking to me about son et c. He seemed so good with him and so positive about it.

 

I had no idea he felt this way until last night. It shocked me too.

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nittygritty

This should be a deal breaker for any parent. I cannot imagine wanting to have anything to do with someone that said such horrible things about my child. You need to protect your 3 year old child from ever being around a jerk like that. Certainly don't marry him or have another child with him. You should dump the guy and work on your own personal issues. Something is seriously wrong that you are willing to accept someone that can't stand your child. That is truly awful!

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RecentChange

I am surprised to hear, that at 47, never having had any children, and disliking yours - that he would want to you to have a baby with him.

 

I thought surely, at 47 and childless - this was due to his choice to not have children, and perhaps that was part of the reason he dislikes yours.

 

I am not having children. I don't like children, I do not enjoy toddlers in the slightest - so I thought perhaps he was from the same cloth...... but he wants kids, so that is perplexing.

 

I would think this would be a deal breaker. Children are VERY observant, and as soon as your son gets a bit older, I bet he will be able to tell quite clearly that this man does not like him.

 

Someone who does not cherish your child should never be a part of your child's HOME, his safe place. The child's source of security and comfort.

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If he's not living with you, why does he get aggravated when your child wakes up and wants you during the night?

 

He does stay over sometimes (which my very good and trusted family therapist says is perfectly fine).

 

Speaking of family therapist, I'm going to talk to her about this next week.

 

My fear is that even IF boyfriend always did his best to be decent to son, son wld feel rejected by both bf and me. So far that doesn't seem to be happening at all, but this is new information and it disturbs me.

 

You really think bf sounds like jerk? And not just a childless adult who doesn't enjoy my toddler? I'm wondering too. He did tell me in the manner of getting it off his chest and saying it bothered him. But it was also during a conversation when he felt I wasn't looking at him enough while he was talking, which he found rude... That was weird too.

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I am surprised to hear, that at 47, never having had any children, and disliking yours - that he would want to you to have a baby with him.

 

I thought surely, at 47 and childless - this was due to his choice to not have children, and perhaps that was part of the reason he dislikes yours.

 

I am not having children. I don't like children, I do not enjoy toddlers in the slightest - so I thought perhaps he was from the same cloth...... but he wants kids, so that is perplexing.

 

I would think this would be a deal breaker. Children are VERY observant, and as soon as your son gets a bit older, I bet he will be able to tell quite clearly that this man does not like him.

 

Someone who does not cherish your child should never be a part of your child's HOME, his safe place. The child's source of security and comfort.

 

Thanks for this. That's what I'm thinking. I agree about children being observant and emotionally safe home that is really home.

 

I guess it's just a shock. Boyfriend was interacting with toddler well and was truly engaged while talking to me about toddler matters. Toddler likes him, seems happy. But now this. Yes, good observation re no kids at 47 and failing to accept first small child he regularly interacts with.

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Hmm interesting, now all your other threads make more sense......

 

How could a mother even entertain the idea of a man who doesn't like her kid???

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I think your bf is very insecure, he has to compete with your ex and a 3 year old and yes 3 year olds can be trying. Not to mention your child acting up because of him. He may be thinking that he lost you once before and he may again. I think if you want to pursue the bf then he needs to know that he matters very much to you.

 

An adult not likeing a child can be an expression of jealousy. Children have come between many a relationship, I would think or hope that your bf would be mature enough to know that your child is your first concern and feel fortunate to be in such a relationship.

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Hmm interesting, now all your other threads make more sense......

 

How could a mother even entertain the idea of a man who doesn't like her kid???

 

I thought he did like him. Then last night he said these things. So far I'm pretty surprised and confused.

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Please retread all of your responses and be aware of your justification of bf in each of them. It's obvious that you have a dismissal theory and it's just that he's never been around toddlers etc... But I sense something MUCH deeper in your posts. Remember, he didn't talk about behaviours that should be addressed, he said he did not LIKE your small child, he even went so far as to criticize the way your child looks, that is a sign of extreme immaturity. And I still don't understand why he would want to disincline your child early in the relationship, that's a huge red flag. I think your "perfect" guy is really a complete jerk who is very good at manipulating you. Of course he interacts well in your presence, it's all an act. Quite typical in early relationships. You have seen the first crack in the facade and it will only get worse! This man is jealous and resentful of your small child, please be aware of the signs of emotional abuse, I think it is occurring in your relationship AND I think your child is the next target! Please do not let that man have any access to your child, even in your presence. How dare he act angry because your child needs you!

 

If a man ever said any of those things about my children, he would never be in my life again!

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Thank you, this is excellent feedback.

 

He has no children. He wants a child with me, but I'm not willing to have a child with him (much as I'd love to) if he doesn't accept my own child.

 

Unfortunately he may leave if I decide to wait and give it time. I guess that's up to him. But I'd feel so sad, I don't want that.

 

Well, I will say it is a gamble, BUT some guys start being interested in other children once they have their own. Just as some women do. Probably MOST people, in fact. There's no guarantee, though. He might always treat him different, but this is a talk you can have with him.

 

Once you had his kid, then you'd both have to get on the same page about making everything consistent across the board and both of you agreeing on discipline, training, etc. And that would flow over onto your child. Maybe he'd like him better if he had any say in it, but I would agree you don't give that until there's real commitment. However, that boy is young enough to accept a new dad at least.

 

Talk to him about whether he is harboring any resentments about wishing you were doing things differently. He probably is. Don't assume you're right because you're the only one with a child. Having a kid doesn't presto make you a wise parent, as statistics, unfortunately, show. Listen to anything he has to say on the subject and weigh if it's worth working on. Also listen to him talking about having a kid and see if he really wants one because he thinks it would be fun or interesting or if he just wants one because everyone expects that of him. That is very important. Good luck.

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Rereading the gorilla tactics your son is using at bedtime, etc., just saying: Always remember if they are old enough to know how to manipulate you, they are old enough to have a little more expected of them too. It may not hold for long, but to me, it's time to start requesting right behavior. While a toddler may not have the attention span or control and too much impulsiveness to keep it up, their brain learns, "This is good, this is not good."

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If you want to marry him or live with him, it’s a non-starter.

 

Other people’s young children can be annoying very quickly.

 

Maybe just date your BF outside your parenting time, get sitters when you do have parenting time, and have a good time kid-free.

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KittyKat67
Please retread all of your responses and be aware of your justification of bf in each of them. It's obvious that you have a dismissal theory and it's just that he's never been around toddlers etc... But I sense something MUCH deeper in your posts. Remember, he didn't talk about behaviours that should be addressed, he said he did not LIKE your small child, he even went so far as to criticize the way your child looks, that is a sign of extreme immaturity.

 

If a man ever said any of those things about my children, he would never be in my life again!

 

Amen to THAT! A person has to have alot of balls to tell a person they don't like their child. THAT is subtle bullying along with being completely disrespectful, 99% of the population that would be a deal breaker. You maam, are not being a protective parent and question your integrity. It sounds like you would/might/maybe not intentional throw your son under the bus to justify your need to feel loved. That is what this is about. You may defend your child with 100% vigor, not CONFUSED, if a random person talked crap about your son, being that you have FEELINGS invested, you are confused because you are trading YOUR NEED FOR LOVE..for the well being of your child. You seem like you'd take the gamble.

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Yes, it is a HUGE red flag if your boyfriend does not like your son. Frankly, it sounds like the boyfriend wants all the attention and is not wanting to share you. There are a few other instances you mentioned that give Red Flag warning signs as well. You and your son deserve someone who will love the BOTH of you and not resent the presence of your son.

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I am not a big fan of kids myself, but if I did have kids and my boyfriend said he didn't like my three year old, I would end the relationship. The needs of my child would far surpass my own needs. That is your job as a parent.

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It's not a common problem and that's because most people who aren't willing to accept your child will move on. Not to mention parents with children usually hinge their relationship on whether or not their potential partner has a connection with their kids.

 

My mom broke up with my dad when I was 6 and me and my sister only met two of her boyfriends. ONCE. But she was very protective of us bc she had a stepfather who liked his biological kids but hated her and her siblings. She didn't want that for us.

 

I'm shocked you're even entertaining a man who has the balls to talk about your child to your face like that. and to say he'd feel different if it was his own child. He's telling you point blank that if you and him have a child, he will shun your child because he doesn't belong to him.

 

I don't even have kids but I would have knocked his block off if he called my child a jerk. Unless your child is a mini-satan and you're in denial about it, you need to cut that dude off.

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