Eggo Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 My mom has been sick the last few months. She'll turn white as a ghost and fall over, get really shakey or be in a lot of pain. My parents have been to a lot of specialists lately to try and figure it out. My dad takes her to all her appointments, and if at any time she feels faint or really sick he leads her around. However I think he is getting too protective. My kids and i met my brother and his family over there and we told the kids to not be too loud. They decided to turn on the TV and my dad said to my nephew "boy if that TV gets any louder you and I are going to have problems." He wouldn't let the kids get too close to her, even though she wanted to hug them and she wanted them to talk to her, but if he felt like anyone was too loud or close he would get mean. He cut her dinner for her, which I understand because she's having a hard time doing things like the lately. If someone even accidentally bumped the table he would glare at them. I get that he is scared and wants to make sure she is okay. We all do, but this is a little extreme. Should I bring it up to him? Link to post Share on other sites
lovey34 Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 men deal with emotional issues in different ways then woman. with that being said, his actions shouldn't be taken personally. however this shouldn't be an excuse for his actions either. I would bring it up to him and explain how mom isn't a cracked class about to shatter. even if she was, I would rather be shattered by a loving hug from my family than a disease thats already crippling me.. My mom has been sick the last few months. She'll turn white as a ghost and fall over, get really shakey or be in a lot of pain. My parents have been to a lot of specialists lately to try and figure it out. My dad takes her to all her appointments, and if at any time she feels faint or really sick he leads her around. However I think he is getting too protective. My kids and i met my brother and his family over there and we told the kids to not be too loud. They decided to turn on the TV and my dad said to my nephew "boy if that TV gets any louder you and I are going to have problems." He wouldn't let the kids get too close to her, even though she wanted to hug them and she wanted them to talk to her, but if he felt like anyone was too loud or close he would get mean. He cut her dinner for her, which I understand because she's having a hard time doing things like the lately. If someone even accidentally bumped the table he would glare at them. I get that he is scared and wants to make sure she is okay. We all do, but this is a little extreme. Should I bring it up to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Sure you can speak with him. Thank him for his kindness in attending to MOM. How are you helping during this ailment? Visiting is a great way to share support. Your Dad is one of the few men that think well of their spouse and go the extra mile to keep them comforted. UNtil you walked a mile in their shoes it really is hard to understand the actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 He probably knows what's going on with her health better than any of you. I think you should respect his wishes and make sure the kids are quiet when around her. When you are sick and weak, loud noise can be nerve racking. If that's a problem for you guys may go home. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eggo Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 I've offered to go to doctor's appointments with them. She'll say yes and he'll say no. So, I won't go. I've offered to help around the house and he says no. That's why we were over there to make dinner for them. I heard the TV and it wasn't very loud, or at least not enough for him to have a "problem" with his sixteen year old grandson. When we were eating and my brother bumped the table it's a good thing looks can't kill. My daughter hugged her and he said "okay enough" and pushed her off which made my daughter cry on the way home. We're all worried but he is taking it to an extreme I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherryz Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 He is there 24/7 so he knows what going on with his wife. Kids can be all over the place. You should respect their place. Or dont bring the kids anymore. You complain about him, i think you should worry more about controlling your kids. Hes doing a amazing job. Hes wife sick he cant be busy accommodating you and your kids. When people are really sick often kids are not allowed or for long. Because they can do things unintentionally and create a stressful moment for the person. And being loud is not the thing to be. You should be more supportive of your dad. So he dont have to be that stressful. Help them around, bring food, help going to the doctor.ask him how hes doing .etc Your dad probably is scared of losing his lover. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cherryz Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 I've offered to go to doctor's appointments with them. She'll say yes and he'll say no. So, I won't go. I've offered to help around the house and he says no. That's why we were over there to make dinner for them. I heard the TV and it wasn't very loud, or at least not enough for him to have a "problem" with his sixteen year old grandson. When we were eating and my brother bumped the table it's a good thing looks can't kill. My daughter hugged her and he said "okay enough" and pushed her off which made my daughter cry on the way home. We're all worried but he is taking it to an extreme I think. Thats sad about your daughter. Maybe you can tell him about that shortly. But dont keep try to make this about you and your kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eggo Posted June 30, 2016 Author Share Posted June 30, 2016 Thats sad about your daughter. Maybe you can tell him about that shortly. But dont keep try to make this about you and your kids. I'm not, but it was sad he did that to her. It hurt her feelings. All the kids felt bad after because they love their Grandma, before this they'd all go do things together, and it was like they couldn't get close to her. Not because she didn't want them to, but he didn't want them to... Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 OP, bluntly i see a lot of me me me. how about stepping back and seeing the whole picture. dad is almost certainly petrified his mate (assuming of numerous years) is on the way out. HIS stress level maybe the cause of many of his demands. far to often the caretaker is overlooked in these cases. so while mom maybe fine with it, he maybe mentally exhausted, from holding it together: being strong for her all the while melting down inside. after all, after you leave he is left to... when is his break. AND although you will say 'i asked' he might be doing his best to spend every final moment with her. in other words how about some compassion for him: "dad i really appreciate all that you are doing, if i can help even to do some errands let me know". Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 30, 2016 Share Posted June 30, 2016 (edited) I think you are right to have some concerns about this. His behaviour sounds odd to me but perhaps you left out some details. You say your mom has been sick for several months and seeing doctors. Well what is causing her illness? Is it life threatening? Is it treatable? Or have they not figured it out yet? I'm going to disagree with the posters who have automatically jumped to the conclusion that your father's behaviour is just fine and you and your kids are the problem. Just because your mom is sick doesn't mean she has lost the ability to think. From your post I get the impression that she wasn't bothered by the hug or the tv or the bump into the table, it was your father who was getting stressed by all of that, not your mom. It is admirable that he his is caring and attentive to your mom at this time but I'm not sure that his behaviour is entirely helpful. If I were sick I'm not sure I would appreciate someone constantly hovering around me and pushing my other loved ones away from me. That would stress me out and make me depressed. Your mother should be letting you and her husband know what she wants and what she can handle and everyone should respect that. However there is a slight possibility that your mom did tell your dad in private that visits from you and your kids are stressful right now but she didn't have the heart to say it to you, so that left your dad to play the meanie based on her wishes. When your dad was trying to manage everyone and getting snappy about everything did your mom ever speak up for herself and let him know that she was fine with the visit and activity going on around her? If not then perhaps she was in silent agreement with him. Can you have a talk with your mom, perhaps with your dad present, and ask her how you and your family can best support her right now? Okay I just read your first post again and see that the specialists haven't figured your mom's illness out yet. Your father is obviously very scared at the possibility that he may lose your mom. I still say you should have a conversation with your mom and dad so that you can hear directly from your mom what she feels and how she would like to be treated. Edited June 30, 2016 by anika99 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eggo Posted June 30, 2016 Author Share Posted June 30, 2016 She would tell him the kids were fine, and to not worry about it. He would respond to it with no, it wasn't fine, and he wasn't going to tolerate it. We don't know what's wrong. They are starting to narrow down what might be a few causes and some are definitely scarier than others... Link to post Share on other sites
Coldma Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 This is really sad. Sometimes when someone we love gets sick we behave in ways we normally wouldn't because we're afraid of losing them or something bad happening to them that we might feel responsible for. I'm sure your dad doesn't realize his behavior is coming off this way. My heart goes out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 It's a kid's job to take care of his/her parents. Just show up if he won't let you go with him to appointments. Ease him into it. Eventually, you'll be able to send him off with one of the males in the family for a cup of coffee or something while you wait for the doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eggo Posted July 5, 2016 Author Share Posted July 5, 2016 I woke up to six missed calls from my dad. Apparently my mom had a seizure and is in the emergency room. So instead of going into work I'm going to the hospital. I don't even know how to handle this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eggo Posted July 6, 2016 Author Share Posted July 6, 2016 I finally got home from the hospital. Apparently, she was having a good day they were having fun, and she asked if they could have sex. He told her no because he was worried that it could hurt hurt her, but then charged his mind. That's what they were doing when she had the seizure. Now he's beside himself. I don't know if I'd ever really seen my dad cry before today. He feels totally guilty for what happened. He was crying every time they took her out of the room for tests. One thing I did learn is that he writes her love poems whenever she has to get tests or somewhere he can't go. He's also sworn my brother and I to secrecy from anyone that isn't our spouses. No one is supposed to know she went to the hospital or had a seizure. It's not new, we weren't allowed to tell anyone anything about her being sick. I find that strange. Link to post Share on other sites
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