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I'm 44 y/o and my mom still smothers me!


Mapper71

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I take a week of vacation every year to go visit my mom. I only get two weeks of vacation and I hate that I have to take 1 of those weeks to go visit her. We do nothing because she is basically scared to do anything new. I'm up by 7AM (because she starts getting annoyed if I stay in bed any longer) then around 8:30 we are off to the grocery store and maybe a department store and maybe stop at a garage sale and then we are home by 10AM and that's pretty much her day. She gets up at 1 or 2AM, for no reason, and then sits and reads and does crossword puzzles until I get up. Then we sit and look at each other for the rest of the day. This is her life, day in and day out. No friends that she does stuff with. She has nursing classmates from years ago and only meets with them if they call her. She is 83 and in great shape for her age. She does all her own yardwork, drives to her usual places, will drive 2 hours to see her sisters and brothers once in a while, but even turns that down a lot because she says there's nothing to do there anyways.

 

When I visit her though, I feel like I'm right back to when I was a teenager or in my early 20s when I still lived with her. From the time I get up in the morning until the time she goes to bed, she is not more than 10 feet away from me. Always hovering. If we are both doing stuff outside and then I slip away to go inside for 5 minutes, within 2 minutes she will yell "Where did you go?". When we were out visiting my cousin in Colorado when I was 30, we were having a picnic outside. I slipped away to our cabin because my hair was bothering me and I wanted to fix it. Sure enough, 5 minutes after I got there, Mom comes in the room and asks what I'm doing! If I spend more than 5 minutes doing my hair she starts getting annoyed.

 

When I was home last week for a week I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her saying "Are you having stomach problems again?". I have some kind of lactose intolerance or something and often have an upset stomach. I will literally hold everything in just so I don't have to have her asking if I'm okay. I will take the opportunity to go when she slips outside for 5 minutes to go hang up laundry just so we don't have to have the conversation of 'What do you think is causing that?" It's been going on for over 20 years and she STILL questions me nearly every time I go to the bathroom. I go outside to mow her yard and she tells me which clothes I should wear, that I need to put on a hat and I need to slather in SPF. I usually look like a homeless person when I'm mowing her yard. At my house, I wear whatever I want, I don't wear a hat and I don't put on any SPF. If I want to wash my hair, she will question it because if I'm going to be mowing the yard tomorrow then I should just wait so I don't have to wash it twice. Even if my head itches and I generally feel yucky I need to wait to wash my hair because of her reasoning. I go out with friends when I visit and every morning after one of the first things out of her mouth is "What time did you get home last night?". WHY does it matter? I'm 44 years old! I'm always home by 9 or 10PM anyways. No Mom, I'm not out cheating on my husband or getting drunk, just visiting friends I haven't seen in a while.

 

When I lived at home, there was one day out of the year where she would spend the night at her sister's place 2 hours away for a garage sale they had there and I couldn't go because I had work or school. That one Friday every year in late April or early May that I would plan for a month in advance. I'd usually call in to work Friday morning saying I wasn't feeling well because it was the one day I could do whatever I wanted without her overseeing it. I would eat whatever I wanted, go shopping and buy clothes (because when she's there she'd always want to come with me if I left the house and would get irritated with me trying on clothes), buy some liquor and drink it that evening with friends (she has no liquor in the house) and then go out with friends and not have to worry about coming home at a certain time and if I was drunk, I could be loud. I would ask my friends weeks in advance to keep that night open so we could do stuff. It was my one day of freedom.

 

I just hate visiting her because I can't do anything because I'm constantly under her watchful eye because she has nothing else to do!

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Your mother is treating you like you are still a child. Part of the problem I think is that you have always been compliant to her wishes. Most people rebel and start asserting themselves towards their parents in their teens and twenties and by the time they reach your age their parents have long given up on trying to control them.

 

 

Have you never had a conversation about this with your mother? Never told her something along the lines of "while I appreciate your concern I am a fully capable adult and I will do things the way I wish".

 

 

One of you is going to have to do something different in order to change the dynamic of your relationship and since you are the one who is unhappy you are the one who is going to have to change. Your mother treats you like a child but you act like a child. You do whatever she tells you to do and the biggest stand you take is to hold in your bowels past the time you need to go just so she can't question you. That is childish.

 

 

Changing things won't be painless. When a teen/young adult first starts standing up to their parents things can get ugly for a bit but then everyone adjusts and life goes on. It will be the same with you and your mother. When you start asserting yourself she won't like it and will give you grief but you are mature enough now to stand your ground without letting things dissolve into childish arguments. You tell her once that you don't need her to manage your life and then you go about doing what you normally do. When she wants to argue or wants you to explain yourself you say you have already explained things to her and you will do what you want. Basically just keep ignoring her demands and eventually she will realize that she no longer has that kind of control over you.

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Changing things won't be painless.

Read Mapper's other posts.

 

She just vents her frustrations here about her husband, stepdaughter, co-workers, mother and never changes ANYTHING despite dozens of threads and suggestions. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

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Read Mapper's other posts.

 

She just vents her frustrations here about her husband, stepdaughter, co-workers, mother and never changes ANYTHING despite dozens of threads and suggestions. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

So nice of you to show up and remind everyone of that! If it bothers you so much then why do you take time out of your busy schedule to read my posts and alert everyone to it?? You must get some pleasure out of it :p

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No, Mapper - mostly to save everyone a lot of time and effort in writing otherwise lengthy and HELPFUL posts that you will just ignore.

 

As frustrated as you are with your situation, imagine the frustration of those - including me, in the beginning! - who have tried to help you, only to have our advise be akin to spitting into the wind.

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No, Mapper - mostly to save everyone a lot of time and effort in writing otherwise lengthy and HELPFUL posts that you will just ignore.

 

As frustrated as you are with your situation, imagine the frustration of those - including me, in the beginning! - who have tried to help you, only to have our advise be akin to spitting into the wind.

 

Sorry, I should have posted in "vents". That would have saved you from having to spend time typing that all up. Mea culpa!

 

Plus, I don't believe I asked a question that I needed an answer to. Do you see any questions in need of answering in my original post??

Edited by Mapper71
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Plus, I don't believe I asked a question that I needed an answer to. Do you see any questions in need of answering in my original post??

 

Yes:

I go out with friends when I visit and every morning after one of the first things out of her mouth is "What time did you get home last night?". WHY does it matter? I'm 44 years old!

Answer: It matters because she is your mother, she cares about you, and it is what we daughters do for our mothers.

Edited by CarrieT
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Have you ever tried just saying, "Stop telling me what to do all the time".....? Don't ask her politely, don't make it a gentle suggestion, just tell her to stop and say it firmly but not rudely. Maybe engage in a bit of passive aggression too, when she tells you to put on a hat and sunscreen, just don't, simple as that. She obviously still sees you as a child and expects submission from you, but she'll only stop when you stop playing the game.

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I don't know, she's 83.

 

She sees you one week a year, that doesn't seem like such a big thing consider she might not be around that much longer.

 

I say humour her for 7 of 365 days a year. She probably looks forward to it all year.

 

Life is too short.

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Yes:

 

Answer: It matters because she is your mother, she cares about you, and it is what we daughters do for our mothers.

 

Thanks Carrie, but that's pretty much a rhetorical question!

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Thanks Carrie, but that's pretty much a rhetorical question!

 

You asked. I answered.

 

Rhetoric aside, what VeveCakes said - and I said - holds true.

 

She is your mother. We only have one mother (and as difficult as my relationship with my mother was, I wish to god she were still alive today so I could apologize for the sh*t I put her through).

 

And mothers will always see their children as fragile little babies that still need to be cared for and coddled. That is why she treats you the way she does. I do not believe it is in their genetic make-up to even look and consider their offspring as adults.

 

So we suck it up and respect them for who they are and what they went through for us.

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It's obvious that you are just wanting your mother to finally accept you as the adult that you have become..but Mom is very stuck in her old ways of doing things. It might help if you make more of an effort to (gently) assert yourself. After all, Mom might not be around too much longer, and it does get harder to make lifestyle changes as we age. I would suggest a good long talk with her, explaining why her manipulative ways are so frustrating to you, & that you just want her to recognize you as the responsible and mature person that you are.

I agree that this has continued for so long now, that any attempt to change it will probably be met with fear and resentment. Please try to be careful of Mom's feelings...she honestly thinks that she is looking out for you, being a "good" mom. So sorry for your frustration, I'm sure that this is very difficult. Hang in there...it's impressive that you faithfully visit her in spite of the difficulties.

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ChickiePops

She's 83. Frankly, you're being a complete jerk.

 

My mom died when I was in my early 20's. She drove me nuts and she was batsh*t crazy but I'd give anything to spend a week with her now.

 

If you're really so selfish that you can't give up a full week then go for 3-4 days instead. It's really not that hard.

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She's 83. Frankly, you're being a complete jerk.

 

My mom died when I was in my early 20's. She drove me nuts and she was batsh*t crazy but I'd give anything to spend a week with her now.

 

If you're really so selfish that you can't give up a full week then go for 3-4 days instead. It's really not that hard.

 

Well I've got you beat there! My dad died when I was 14 and he could drive me nuts as well. It's been 30 years and, sure I miss him, but I don't miss him driving me nuts!

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ChickiePops
Well I've got you beat there! My dad died when I was 14 and he could drive me nuts as well. It's been 30 years and, sure I miss him, but I don't miss him driving me nuts!

 

Mom was mentally ill to the point of abuse. Never met my dad, abandoned by the rest of my family after my mom died. So..no..nobody actually wins here. Grow up. Spend a few boring days with your mom and stop being a brat about it. You're older than me. Act your age.

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Well I've got you beat there! My dad died when I was 14 and he could drive me nuts as well. It's been 30 years and, sure I miss him, but I don't miss him driving me nuts!

 

It isn't a competition.

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Sorry, I should have posted in "vents". That would have saved you from having to spend time typing that all up. Mea culpa!

 

Plus, I don't believe I asked a question that I needed an answer to. Do you see any questions in need of answering in my original post??

 

 

Based on the above it looks like anyone responding to this thread is wasting their time and breath. The poster didn't have a question and doesn't want any advice.

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I don't know, she's 83.

 

She sees you one week a year, that doesn't seem like such a big thing consider she might not be around that much longer.

 

I say humour her for 7 of 365 days a year. She probably looks forward to it all year.

 

Life is too short.

 

Yes, humor her for just these few days and be thankful she doesn't live with you (welcome to my hellish experience).

 

My mum lives with me and on/off I vent on LS on my frustrations. I mean, the woman is in "my" house - yet wants to impose imperial rules on me.

 

Gosh, her latest thing is that when I buy something for "me" (i.e. fav cereal, ice cream), all of a sudden she no longer wants her ice cream and/or cereal and starts eating out mine. It's as if she's peeing on her territory all the time - even though the territory is mine!!!

 

The other day I told her that I'm seeing a nice guy and soon he might stay over and she got silent on me - for the whole evening. Gosh darn, I had to spend a day and a half kissing up to her to get her to talk to me again. :mad:

 

Over all, it's gotten better cuz I put my foot down. I read a good book and key with your parents is to establish boundaries - w/o being rude/disrespectful. I often shut up and let things fester then I blow up.

 

When my family was overseas, I couldn't wait for her to go to see them - cuz like Tom Cruise, I had the house to myself where I could run around in my underwear. But, even then cuz you get so used to them being around, the first few days of her leaving I'm like "awwwww....". Eh, but then when it's getting close for her to return, I'd get anxiety cuz of the drama that probably will ensue. :mad:

 

And, despite the frustration, it isn't bad all the time. It's like we're the odd couple. I guess since I don't have kids and/or a steady guy what I do with her and the family occupies my time - but, I still have my days where I wish to just have some extended "private" time.

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Gloria, are you from England? I don't usually hear Americans call their mother "mum". I guess Australians do it, too.

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You are just going along with it and won't stand up to her. She wouldn't even know when you had vacation if you wouldn't tell her. This year you can either stand up to her or tell her you're using the money instead or just tell her you're going somewhere else. Good grief. Man up. It's your life, not hers. She can come visit you on a weekend sometime.

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It isn't a competition.

 

No...it's not. I'm just letting you know that I lost a parent as well at a younger age and I know how it feels.

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You are just going along with it and won't stand up to her. She wouldn't even know when you had vacation if you wouldn't tell her. This year you can either stand up to her or tell her you're using the money instead or just tell her you're going somewhere else. Good grief. Man up. It's your life, not hers. She can come visit you on a weekend sometime.

 

She wouldn't know when I had vacation??? What do you mean? I can have vacation whenever I want and she expects me to come out to see her. She wouldn't come visit me, are you kidding?? She doesn't go 5 miles away from her house and is scared to death to do anything (wouldn't even think of picking me up at the airport across town because she's too scared to drive there so I have to get a friend to pick me up or rent a car) so there is no way she is getting herself on a plane and coming to visit me 2000 miles away! She would literally try and exit out the bathroom of the airplane as that is how clueless she can be about things!

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Yes, humor her for just these few days and be thankful she doesn't live with you (welcome to my hellish experience).

 

My mum lives with me and on/off I vent on LS on my frustrations. I mean, the woman is in "my" house - yet wants to impose imperial rules on me.

 

Gosh, her latest thing is that when I buy something for "me" (i.e. fav cereal, ice cream), all of a sudden she no longer wants her ice cream and/or cereal and starts eating out mine. It's as if she's peeing on her territory all the time - even though the territory is mine!!!

 

The other day I told her that I'm seeing a nice guy and soon he might stay over and she got silent on me - for the whole evening. Gosh darn, I had to spend a day and a half kissing up to her to get her to talk to me again. :mad:

 

Over all, it's gotten better cuz I put my foot down. I read a good book and key with your parents is to establish boundaries - w/o being rude/disrespectful. I often shut up and let things fester then I blow up.

 

When my family was overseas, I couldn't wait for her to go to see them - cuz like Tom Cruise, I had the house to myself where I could run around in my underwear. But, even then cuz you get so used to them being around, the first few days of her leaving I'm like "awwwww....". Eh, but then when it's getting close for her to return, I'd get anxiety cuz of the drama that probably will ensue. :mad:

 

And, despite the frustration, it isn't bad all the time. It's like we're the odd couple. I guess since I don't have kids and/or a steady guy what I do with her and the family occupies my time - but, I still have my days where I wish to just have some extended "private" time.

 

Oh my mom had a fit when I went on an overnight trip with a guy I had been seeing for 6 months when I was 26 years old. She gave me the silent treatment the next day and when she did finally speak to me it was "So where did you sleep?" Then at age 36 when I moved out west to be with my then fiance she said again "So where are you going to sleep when you move out there?" I humored her and told her I'd of course sleep in my own bedroom. Come on! I'm 38 years old! I could have been married for 15 years and had 10 kids by now!

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You'd be surprised what she could and would do if you weren't so easy for her to manipulate.

 

I have nothing to do with her never doing anything. I'm not there to manipulate her! She should have friends, go out and do things, join groups, but she has grown to be such a scared person. She tells me over the phone how her neighbors are always talking to her outside, yet when I'm there, she barely looks at them or gives them a quick wave and doesn't really talk to them. Oh how I would have LOVED for her to be outgoing and want to do things and encourage me to do things. I would be such a different person now if she would have been outgoing and wanted me to be outgoing. Now, she gets up at 1AM and has breakfast, reads her book, does laundry, wanders around the yard and her day is done by 10AM. Has lunch at 9AM, dinner at 1PM and bed by 5PM because she doesn't DO anything! She told me "I cannot believe that I actually drove you to college 2 hours away all those years ago. I would never do that now". She never encouraged me to join groups, in fact, she DISCOURAGED me because the whole having to schedule things and be gone or her having to drive me was too much. She was always so afraid of the weather being bad and didn't want me out in it, or it being too dark, or too late, or at 20 years old when I made plans to meet a friend for tennis and then got off the phone and she told me "there's no reason you need to drive across town in traffic to play tennis with your friend. You just need to stay home". Basically forbade me to drive myself in my car to go play tennis because it was across town where she never goes. It was always okay for people to drive across town in the driving rain or snowstorm to come and get me but she NEVER wanted me driving in it. Never wanted me driving in unfamiliar territory. She would try and convince me days ahead of time if I had plans and it was going to snow 1/2" on Friday night. She would make a big deal every time she heard the weather about just how bad it might be and if I still went out, well then I got the silent treatment for days after because she NEVER would have gone out in that.

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