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Expensive gift from new boyfriend's mom


curvylady12

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curvylady12

I am a little baffled about how to navigate this situation with my new boyfriend's family. He came back from a family vacation with gifts - a necklace from him, a sweater from his sister, a T-shirt from his mom, and something else... An old bracelet of hers with real diamonds and jewels. He said she told him she was giving it to me because she never wears it.

 

Background: My boyfriend's parents are from Lao and they are very traditional to Lao culture. I am his first real girlfriend and we are in our mid-twenties, so they are pretty happy I exist and am female. However we have only been dating for 2 months, and I have met his mom twice. He also doesn't understand it.

 

I am really confused and nervous about what I should do and what she believes it means. I want to give it back and tell her I can't accept such a valuable gift, but that would deeply offend her. I'm worried she has some type of implicit expectation attached to it that maybe even she isn't aware of. It feels like a very delicate situation. Help???

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RecentChange

Hum, I think in the same situation I would talk with the BF, and tell him how you do not want to insult his mom, but this isn't an appropriate gift right now.

 

How about if HE holds onto it, and you can wear it next time you go to a family get together. But he keeps it, and if things go south between you two, it's HIS, unquestionably.

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todreaminblue

the first time i met my exes mum(south african)...she gave me the necklace from around her neck and put it on my neck herself...i didtn really have a choice to say no...........a gold chain with a heart locket......and hugged me until my eyes popped out.....kidding about the popping...but the hug really did make my eyes bug out.....then she removed my fringe from my eyes ...i used to use my fringe as a shelter from people looking at my eyes

 

i wasnt used to that...the hug or the the gift or the fringe thing...but i accepted all...with a smile....it wasnt that hard to do...and offending a bfs mum...not a good start.......take the gift with grace and a smile and a grateful heart...if you were to split or not work out give the gift back to your bf...of course if its years later...keep it and when you wear it...think of her fondly.........deb

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LivingWaterPlease

I'm with deb...accept it graciously and if the relationship doesn't work out return it.

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curvylady12
the first time i met my exes mum(south african)...she gave me the necklace from around her neck and put it on my neck herself...i didtn really have a choice to say no...........a gold chain with a heart locket......and hugged me until my eyes popped out.....kidding about the popping...but the hug really did make my eyes bug out.....then she removed my fringe from my eyes ...i used to use my fringe as a shelter from people looking at my eyes

 

i wasnt used to that...the hug or the the gift or the fringe thing...but i accepted all...with a smile....it wasnt that hard to do...and offending a bfs mum...not a good start.......take the gift with grace and a smile and a grateful heart...if you were to split or not work out give the gift back to your bf...of course if its years later...keep it and when you wear it...think of her fondly.........deb

 

 

I feel like my situation is different in that it doesn't exactly feel like a heartfelt gift. To clarify my OP, my dilemma is not that it's difficult for me to accept a generous gift with grace, but I get the feeling there is some kind of expectation attached to it. Like if I later decline an invitation or dont behave in some certain way with her, she will really feel disrespected. My boyfriend has mentioned this type of thing happening in his family. As in "I did [blank] for her, and now she won't even do [blank]!" I'm trying to avoid offending her in the future while maintaining healthy boundaries.

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curvylady12
Hum, I think in the same situation I would talk with the BF, and tell him how you do not want to insult his mom, but this isn't an appropriate gift right now.

 

How about if HE holds onto it, and you can wear it next time you go to a family get together. But he keeps it, and if things go south between you two, it's HIS, unquestionably.

 

Thanks for the response. Having him hang on to it is a really good idea. His mom is already asking him how I liked it, so right now we are pretending he hasn't given it to me yet until we decide what to do.

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curvylady12
Lovingly accept what is lovingly given.

 

Ok I don't feel like I'm communicating the nuance of the situation. My point being that I don't feel it was lovingly given. At best it was an item she was going to donate to Goodwill, and figured, eh, I'll find someone I know to give it to. At worst she is giving it to me as a way to create leverage or a sense of debt. Again, according to her son, who loves her very much, the latter would not be out of character for her.

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Ok I don't feel like I'm communicating the nuance of the situation. My point being that I don't feel it was lovingly given. At best it was an item she was going to donate to Goodwill, and figured, eh, I'll find someone I know to give it to. At worst she is giving it to me as a way to create leverage or a sense of debt. Again, according to her son, who loves her very much, the latter would not be out of character for her.

 

That makes it much more complicated...

 

Your boyfriend is the best person to talk to about this.

 

Personally?

 

I would give it back. Graciously, but firmly.

 

"Thanks very much for your generosity, but I really don't feel good about accepting it."

 

There might be a degree of repercussion, but its worth it if it's a matter of being true to yourself.

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