Indifferent to my mom.

[Grape lemon]

My mother and I have never been close and now I am getting older I can see how damaged our relationship is. Don't get me wrong, I had a good upbringing, I was fed, private school educated, went on holidays etc. My parents were together, although it was clear they did not love each other - they never kissed, hugged or showed affection. They divorced when I was 19. (I'm 23 now)

 

I was never really happy as a kid (or 100% now for that matter) I am shy and introverted and never really grew out of it. My mom used to punish me harshly for the most absurd things. Once, she had a fight with my dad so she locked my sister and I out of the house all day when I was 15. We lived in a rural area so we couldn't go anywhere or do anything about it. There's other examples but this post would be way too long. Basically she yelled and screamed alot over so many minor things.

 

Anyway, I stayed with my dad when they got divorced. I did attempt to live with her but she literally threw my stuff out the door because I told her I will unpack the dishwasher after I have a nap since I had a migraine, then we got into an argument. So I stayed with my dad, I worked fulltime, it was easy as my dad worked away. I started university in 2013 so I've been very broke the past few years.. I had to move in with my mom recently as my dad is selling his house and living with his partner. I couldn't afford to live anywhere else but I thought it would be ok this time.

 

In the two weeks that I've been here I have had her call up my phone yelling and swearing at me saying I didn't lock the back door, telling me I am useless and irresponsible and maybe I should move out. I then told her I never even went out the back door that day so it must of been left unlocked by her the night before (we lock the doors even when we are home since its a high crime area, so if we come back inside, we lock the door straight away). She then did not reply to me after that.

 

She came home once in a bad mood saying I am a lazy person because I had done nothing around the house. The house was already spotless and I had been at uni all day. I just ignored what she was saying and she just kept having a go until i eventually had to snap and respond. Which then gave her an excuse to keep on yelling saying how disrespectful I am for talking to her in that tone.

 

Finally, today she rang me and asked if I could take her boyfriends clothes to the dressmaker to be repaired. I did it this morning - so I did her a favour. She came home about 10 mins ago. I said hello to her and she just stood at my bedroom door and looked at me and raised her eyebrows because I have the heater on. I said "i just put it on then because i'm freezing" and she just walked away without saying anything, sighing as if I was the biggest dropkick. She was banging things around in the kitchen and now she has gone out again without a word.

 

I *KNOW* this isn't the worst situation in the world. I am extremely lucky to have a roof over my head and to have a mother. I just am nothing like her, her attitude sometimes infuriates me. I think it's too far to say she's emotionally abusive, that's why I am posting here, to get other peoples opinions. On a side note, my doctor has diagnosed me with depression and anxiety.. I know I am unhappy and I am unhappy living here. I still have 12 months before I finish my degree and can even think about moving out.

Edited May 16, 2016 by Grape lemon

[Miss Clavel]

is it possible that your mom is going thur menopause? because that might explain some of her mood swings, irritability and her hot flashes of anger.

 

i'm trying to decide if i would have prefered your mom's screaming and pointing out your faults to the way my mom would punish me by simply not speaking to me, for days on end. hhmmm

 

at least with your mom you can take the names she calls you and go and look them up. disrespectful, irresponsible, etc.

 

because it sounds like you are thoughtless and disrespectful. think of it this way, if you had a different roommate and they were saying these things, wouldn't you take a look at your behavior and try to change it enough to get along with them? esp since you're living there for free?

 

remember, she's your mom, she's divorced, she's living with an adult/child who's slow at learning how to live with someone else and respect them. she's the breadwinner and if it were not for her you'd be living in your car, if you even have one. that alone should make you remember to kiss a little ass.

 

for fwiw, i hate arriving home, as the only breadwinner in this house and finding them sitting around when there are dishes in the sink, the dishwasher is full from the dishes i put in there, that i collected from all over MY house, laundry in the baskets, laundry on the bathroom floor and laundry left in both the washer and the dryer. wtf??? you've had hours to "move" these things and you know it pisses me off, why not get up and do these few things that you know will improve my mood immensely?? cuz you're thoughtless and disrespectful, that's how it appears.

 

we have a dog. the dog needs to go outside several times a day. it took me more then a year to "teach" my orphans that every time they need the bathroom so does the dog. simple, right? no. i had to refuse to let my oldest in the bathroom asking her, what if i was to lazy or busy to let you use the toilet? how would it feel to be at someone else's mercy every time you need to use the toilet? it worked. however, i still find our dog's water dish empty and there is no food in the bowl? hello? thoughtless.

 

and now, when i find the washer full of wet clothes when i want to use it i simply plop their wet laundry on the floor, wash my clothes and put theirs back in the washer after. same with the dryer. i have to say they are getting better since the day i threw their clean laundry out the window. which i had washed and dryed and folded and they were too disrespectful to just put away. hello? thoughtless.

 

so, concentrate on those things, dishes, laundry, toilet and tub. the same as you would do if you had a different room mate and see if that doesn't improve your relationship with your "landlord/roommate".

 

and maybe, make yourself scarce. go over to the library or starbucks or a double feature movie and just avoid her. in this day and age you will need a uni degree and you're gonna have to suck it up till you can get one and move out.

[Grape lemon]

is it possible that your mom is going thur menopause? because that might explain some of her mood swings, irritability and her hot flashes of anger.

 

yes, she is 60.

 

i'm trying to decide if i would have prefered your mom's screaming and pointing out your faults to the way my mom would punish me by simply not speaking to me, for days on end. hhmmm

 

After I was kicked out, I did not speak to her for months. I had no intentions on changing that either except she apologised to me eventually.

 

at least with your mom you can take the names she calls you and go and look them up. disrespectful, irresponsible, etc.

 

what makes you think I don't know the meaning of those words?

 

because it sounds like you are thoughtless and disrespectful. think of it this way, if you had a different roommate and they were saying these things, wouldn't you take a look at your behavior and try to change it enough to get along with them? esp since you're living there for free?

 

I have lived with my dad and with room mates with no complications since I was 18.. Also I am paying $100 a week to live there

 

remember, she's your mom, she's divorced, she's living with an adult/child who's slow at learning how to live with someone else and respect them. she's the breadwinner and if it were not for her you'd be living in your car, if you even have one. that alone should make you remember to kiss a little ass.

 

I am not "learning" how to live with someone. I cook and clean up after myself. Yes, I bought my own 10K car when I was working full-time which I had saved for, pay my own insurance, registration as I should. Honestly, I could live with my boyfriend or many friends for a low cost if I desperately needed to, but I am not yet at that stage..

 

for fwiw, i hate arriving home, as the only breadwinner in this house and finding them sitting around when there are dishes in the sink, the dishwasher is full from the dishes i put in there, that i collected from all over MY house, laundry in the baskets, laundry on the bathroom floor and laundry left in both the washer and the dryer. wtf??? you've had hours to "move" these things and you know it pisses me off, why not get up and do these few things that you know will improve my mood immensely?? cuz you're thoughtless and disrespectful, that's how it appears.

 

The house is always in immaculate condition.. I don't dare leave clothes in the washing machine or on the bathroom floor because I am well aware of the consequences

 

we have a dog. the dog needs to go outside several times a day. it took me more then a year to "teach" my orphans that every time they need the bathroom so does the dog. simple, right? no. i had to refuse to let my oldest in the bathroom asking her, what if i was to lazy or busy to let you use the toilet? how would it feel to be at someone else's mercy every time you need to use the toilet? it worked. however, i still find our dog's water dish empty and there is no food in the bowl? hello? thoughtless.

 

and now, when i find the washer full of wet clothes when i want to use it i simply plop their wet laundry on the floor, wash my clothes and put theirs back in the washer after. same with the dryer. i have to say they are getting better since the day i threw their clean laundry out the window. which i had washed and dryed and folded and they were too disrespectful to just put away. hello? thoughtless.

 

so, concentrate on those things, dishes, laundry, toilet and tub. the same as you would do if you had a different room mate and see if that doesn't improve your relationship with your "landlord/roommate".

 

 

and maybe, make yourself scarce. go over to the library or starbucks or a double feature movie and just avoid her. in this day and age you will need a uni degree and you're gonna have to suck it up till you can get one and move out.

 

Miss Clavel, whilst I appreciate your response. I feel that you have judged me harshly off many of your own assumptions. Implying that I was living there for free and living like a self entitled princess and little comments such as "if you even have a car". You also implied that I was an adult/child and that I was still learning to be an adult. I had worked full time since I graduated high-school, I supported myself for 4 years without any help. I bought my own car, travelled to the other side of the world and have tried to be the best person I can be - which is why I decided to go to university at 21. I do my best to keep out of my moms way and to give her little to complain about.

 

I know I am young but I feel like you have spoken to me as if I was your own "immature" child.

[Emilia]

Miss Clavel, whilst I appreciate your response. I feel that you have judged me harshly off many of your own assumptions. Implying that I was living there for free and living like a self entitled princess and little comments such as "if you even have a car". You also implied that I was an adult/child and that I was still learning to be an adult. I had worked full time since I graduated high-school, I supported myself for 4 years without any help. I bought my own car, travelled to the other side of the world and have tried to be the best person I can be - which is why I decided to go to university at 21. I do my best to keep out of my moms way and to give her little to complain about.

 

I know I am young but I feel like you have spoken to me as if I was your own "immature" child.

Yes you are right to stand up for yourself. There are many people on these public forums that don't understand difficult relationships within families, they always think it's the kids' fault.

 

But back to your point: my mother is the same, whenever she is furious about something, she takes it out on others around her. The last time I stayed in her house I was roughly the same age as you (I'm 43 now), she was going through a difficult time with her then boyfriend and she made my life miserable and very difficult. I had nowhere to go for about 2 months and it was the worst time. She also made up some lies about various things I won't get into. I never stayed long in her place after that (I live in a different country) and we are not on speaking term anymore - though that's a recent development.

 

Some parents are ****holes, it's just the way it is. Society raises you to see your family as a bunch of saints that would do anything for you but a % of the population are extremely unpleasant to be around and those people breed too.

 

I can't give you advice because I don't think you can make your situation better while you live there since your mother will always pick on you. The only thing you can do is move out.

[Grape lemon]

Yes you are right to stand up for yourself. There are many people on these public forums that don't understand difficult relationships within families, they always think it's the kids' fault.

 

But back to your point: my mother is the same, whenever she is furious about something, she takes it out on others around her. The last time I stayed in her house I was roughly the same age as you (I'm 43 now), she was going through a difficult time with her then boyfriend and she made my life miserable and very difficult. I had nowhere to go for about 2 months and it was the worst time. She also made up some lies about various things I won't get into. I never stayed long in her place after that (I live in a different country) and we are not on speaking term anymore - though that's a recent development.

 

Some parents are ****holes, it's just the way it is. Society raises you to see your family as a bunch of saints that would do anything for you but a % of the population are extremely unpleasant to be around and those people breed too.

 

I can't give you advice because I don't think you can make your situation better while you live there since your mother will always pick on you. The only thing you can do is move out.

 

Thanks Emilia, I read your own thread actually and could relate to a lot of what you were saying. I don't believe my mom is a bad person, she has her good days but she has trouble controlling her anger and she has unfairly taken it out on those around her. I also think the days she's pissed off with her boyfriend are the days she is extra angry at me for no reason. I think she refuses to take it out on him because he has broken up with her before.

 

It is good to know that I'm not alone out there.. Most of my friends and especially my boyfriend are so close with their families and I am just not at all which upsets me. I have already cut myself off from my sister as she is similar to my mother.. but worse. Extreme anger issues and is very rude to pretty much everybody. My dad I get along with fine but he is away a lot and he's not an emotional or sentimental person at all.

 

I can't wait to start my own family. I always tell myself it will be completely different to the way I've grown up and interacted with my own.

[Emilia]

Thanks Emilia, I read your own thread actually and could relate to a lot of what you were saying. I don't believe my mom is a bad person, she has her good days but she has trouble controlling her anger and she has unfairly taken it out on those around her. I also think the days she's pissed off with her boyfriend are the days she is extra angry at me for no reason. I think she refuses to take it out on him because he has broken up with her before.

This is the hard part (and I'm glad you picked a boyfriend who by the sound of it is probably quite well brought up), recognising the fact that people like your and my mum are never bad 100% of the time. It certainly has been the case for me as an adult since I can just walk away. When I think back though to the neglect by my mother being constantly away (my dad left when I was 7) and the serious emotional issues I had a kid as a result or how she would scream at me when I brought back bad marks from school but she never sat down with me to study and revise - just wrote me off as thick instead.

 

But then she would take me shopping or to the zoo. It's easier to categorise people when they are constantly bad or good but no-one is like that. This is why people end up in abusive relationships: you read their threads and they will say 'ah but he/she isn't always like this, we have great times every now and then'. When they aren't being beaten black and blue or being shouted at.

 

Whenever my resolve weakens to keep my distance from my family I think back to the times of how bad I felt as a kid for being excluded and shouted at and or the last straw last year that made me cut contact. No-one should be brought up like that.

It is good to know that I'm not alone out there.. Most of my friends and especially my boyfriend are so close with their families and I am just not at all which upsets me. I have already cut myself off from my sister as she is similar to my mother.. but worse. Extreme anger issues and is very rude to pretty much everybody. My dad I get along with fine but he is away a lot and he's not an emotional or sentimental person at all.

 

I can't wait to start my own family. I always tell myself it will be completely different to the way I've grown up and interacted with my own.

Your dad is an enabler unfortunately, the person who stands by. Even though there is nothing he can do about your mother, he should be much more supportive towards you and not be away so much. After all he chose to marry her and to have you two. Unfortunately a lot of adults never learn to take responsibility for their actions.

 

I'm sure your family will be great The upside of this is that the kids that struggled tend to put an end to this sort of dynamic. You have a much better chance at this than your sister.

 

I hope you find a better living arrangement soon. Would it not be possible to stay with your grandparents? Maybe your father could move out somewhere as he is away a lot anyway? He is less vulnerable than you, surely you should be living with the grandparents? And he should be offering!!!!!

[Miss Clavel]

My mother and I have never been close and now I am getting older I can see how damaged our relationship is. Don't get me wrong, I had a good upbringing, I was fed, private school educated, went on holidays etc. My parents were together, although it was clear they did not love each other - they never kissed, hugged or showed affection. They divorced when I was 19. (I'm 23 now)

 

I was never really happy as a kid (or 100% now for that matter) I am shy and introverted and never really grew out of it. My mom used to punish me harshly for the most absurd things. Once, she had a fight with my dad so she locked my sister and I out of the house all day when I was 15. We lived in a rural area so we couldn't go anywhere or do anything about it. There's other examples but this post would be way too long. Basically she yelled and screamed alot over so many minor things.

 

Anyway, I stayed with my dad when they got divorced. I did attempt to live with her but she literally threw my stuff out the door because I told her I will unpack the dishwasher after I have a nap since I had a migraine, then we got into an argument. So I stayed with my dad, I worked fulltime, it was easy as my dad worked away. I started university in 2013 so I've been very broke the past few years.. I had to move in with my mom recently as my dad is selling his house and living with his partner. I couldn't afford to live anywhere else but I thought it would be ok this time.

 

In the two weeks that I've been here I have had her call up my phone yelling and swearing at me saying I didn't lock the back door, telling me I am useless and irresponsible and maybe I should move out. I then told her I never even went out the back door that day so it must of been left unlocked by her the night before (we lock the doors even when we are home since its a high crime area, so if we come back inside, we lock the door straight away). She then did not reply to me after that.

 

She came home once in a bad mood saying I am a lazy person because I had done nothing around the house. The house was already spotless and I had been at uni all day. I just ignored what she was saying and she just kept having a go until i eventually had to snap and respond. Which then gave her an excuse to keep on yelling saying how disrespectful I am for talking to her in that tone.

 

Finally, today she rang me and asked if I could take her boyfriends clothes to the dressmaker to be repaired. I did it this morning - so I did her a favour. She came home about 10 mins ago. I said hello to her and she just stood at my bedroom door and looked at me and raised her eyebrows because I have the heater on. I said "i just put it on then because i'm freezing" and she just walked away without saying anything, sighing as if I was the biggest dropkick. She was banging things around in the kitchen and now she has gone out again without a word.

 

I *KNOW* this isn't the worst situation in the world. I am extremely lucky to have a roof over my head and to have a mother. I just am nothing like her, her attitude sometimes infuriates me. I think it's too far to say she's emotionally abusive, that's why I am posting here, to get other peoples opinions. On a side note, my doctor has diagnosed me with depression and anxiety.. I know I am unhappy and I am unhappy living here. I still have 12 months before I finish my degree and can even think about moving out.

 

so sorry. i did not see in your poast that you work, drive or pay rent. since that is the case, all i can say is maybe move out.

 

good luck

[Grape lemon]

This is the hard part (and I'm glad you picked a boyfriend who by the sound of it is probably quite well brought up), recognising the fact that people like your and my mum are never bad 100% of the time. It certainly has been the case for me as an adult since I can just walk away. When I think back though to the neglect by my mother being constantly away (my dad left when I was 7) and the serious emotional issues I had a kid as a result or how she would scream at me when I brought back bad marks from school but she never sat down with me to study and revise - just wrote me off as thick instead.

 

But then she would take me shopping or to the zoo. It's easier to categorise people when they are constantly bad or good but no-one is like that. This is why people end up in abusive relationships: you read their threads and they will say 'ah but he/she isn't always like this, we have great times every now and then'. When they aren't being beaten black and blue or being shouted at.

 

Whenever my resolve weakens to keep my distance from my family I think back to the times of how bad I felt as a kid for being excluded and shouted at and or the last straw last year that made me cut contact. No-one should be brought up like that.

 

Your dad is an enabler unfortunately, the person who stands by. Even though there is nothing he can do about your mother, he should be much more supportive towards you and not be away so much. After all he chose to marry her and to have you two. Unfortunately a lot of adults never learn to take responsibility for their actions.

 

I'm sure your family will be great The upside of this is that the kids that struggled tend to put an end to this sort of dynamic. You have a much better chance at this than your sister.

 

I hope you find a better living arrangement soon. Would it not be possible to stay with your grandparents? Maybe your father could move out somewhere as he is away a lot anyway? He is less vulnerable than you, surely you should be living with the grandparents? And he should be offering!!!!!

 

Unfortunately all my grandparents have passed. I actually only remember my nanna as she was the last to pass when I was 16. The rest I was too young. My boyfriends lease on his house is ending in September and he's living with 2 friends so he's going to get a house on his own after that, so maybe then:)

[Grape lemon]

It certainly has been the case for me as an adult since I can just walk away. When I think back though to the neglect by my mother being constantly away (my dad left when I was 7) and the serious emotional issues I had a kid as a result or how she would scream at me when I brought back bad marks from school but she never sat down with me to study and revise - just wrote me off as thick instead.

 

But then she would take me shopping or to the zoo. It's easier to categorise people when they are constantly bad or good but no-one is like that. This is why people end up in abusive relationships: you read their threads and they will say 'ah but he/she isn't always like this, we have great times every now and then'. When they aren't being beaten black and blue or being shouted at.

 

 

 

Sounds so so similar to the way I was treated. Got punished severely for so many tiny things while my sister was able to swear, yell and hit my mom and she would hardly get a punishment. I think my mom was afraid of her. People think I am over-exaggerating when I explain my sister but when they meet her they always tell me I was right.

 

I brought my boyfriend to a family Christmas once at my uncles house and he had never met her before. A question about my studies came up and my sister flat out said "as if you'll ever finish, you drop out of everything" because I started a course before and quit fairly quickly straight out of school. Everyone kind of went silent and I excused myself and went outside to cry and my boyfriend was the only one who comforted me. I tried to tell my mom I didn't want to go to any family gatherings if she was there from now on and she just told me to shutup and stop making a scene and ruining Christmas. She did not even say anything to my sister about it.

 

Maybe I am better off just cutting them both out of my life.

[Emilia]

Sounds so so similar to the way I was treated. Got punished severely for so many tiny things while my sister was able to swear, yell and hit my mom and she would hardly get a punishment. I think my mom was afraid of her. People think I am over-exaggerating when I explain my sister but when they meet her they always tell me I was right.

 

I brought my boyfriend to a family Christmas once at my uncles house and he had never met her before. A question about my studies came up and my sister flat out said "as if you'll ever finish, you drop out of everything" because I started a course before and quit fairly quickly straight out of school. Everyone kind of went silent and I excused myself and went outside to cry and my boyfriend was the only one who comforted me. I tried to tell my mom I didn't want to go to any family gatherings if she was there from now on and she just told me to shutup and stop making a scene and ruining Christmas. She did not even say anything to my sister about it.

 

Maybe I am better off just cutting them both out of my life.

Yes it's classic scapegoating, the sibling is encouraged to participate too unfortunately. My sister and I had a good relationship for years but now I see that it was superficial and she turned on me at the first decent opportunity.

 

Continued punishment can do a lot of damage to how you see yourself and that in return can damage your interpersonal relationships.

 

BUT!!! You have to take your time and make sure it's the right decision because there is no turning back! You only get one shot at this!

 

You are very welcome to keep posting here while you decide

 

Good luck

[sunandbutterflies]

Hello grapelemon,

I am sorry to hear of the bad experiences that you have had with your mom. I think that it is a great idea for you to be in communication with your physician and perhaps to talk to a licensed counselor? Perhaps you might have access to one through the university? They might be able to better help you sort through the situation than I could. Hope that helps and that things start looking better for you. God bless.

[whichwayisup]

Do you have any friends or relatives that you can move in with? Of course you're feeling anxiety and some depression, your mom is abusive and toxic. But just know that you've done NOTHING wrong, this is HER emotional baggage she's putting on you. She has issues that are deep and never got over them.

 

Have you consider doing counseling? Just to help you cope with this and help you with your anxiety and depression.

[Grape lemon]

Do you have any friends or relatives that you can move in with? Of course you're feeling anxiety and some depression, your mom is abusive and toxic. But just know that you've done NOTHING wrong, this is HER emotional baggage she's putting on you. She has issues that are deep and never got over them.

 

Have you consider doing counseling? Just to help you cope with this and help you with your anxiety and depression.

 

My doctor has diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and gave me a referral to a psychologist. This was a few months ago but I haven't got around to booking an appointment as some days I believe I am fine and don't need it. I also don't know how I would go with it.. I have sat in on psychology sessions to learn (I'm studying social work) and I don't think it would be particularly helpful for me.

 

I really am not close to many relatives at all. I don't want to be a burden to my friends by moving in with them and paying less than adequate rent.

[whichwayisup]

My doctor has diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and gave me a referral to a psychologist. This was a few months ago but I haven't got around to booking an appointment as some days I believe I am fine and don't need it. I also don't know how I would go with it.. I have sat in on psychology sessions to learn (I'm studying social work) and I don't think it would be particularly helpful for me.

 

I really am not close to many relatives at all. I don't want to be a burden to my friends by moving in with them and paying less than adequate rent.

 

Then see a therapist who specializes in anxiety and depression. trust me, CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) will save your life. Google it and read up on this type of therapy - It's not like you lay down on a couch and pour your thoughts out and the shrink lets you know when your hour is up. Please try it and keep an open mind. Seeing a psychologist may not be the way to go so again, try finding a therapist doing CBT.