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Mother In Law Hates Me


MissCongeniality

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MissCongeniality

So the kids grand parents were over and my husband's mother she... well we've never really had a chance to get to know each other. However we were alone in the kitchen and she got really aggressive with me she said and I quote "I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart that since the beginning I've hated you and the worst thing that ever happened to my son was meeting someone like you."

 

Then she just went back into the living room and was all smiles with everyone like nothing happened. Long story short she pretty much implied that she's always seen through me and doesn't care that I love her son. I mean I get it I'm not a saint I'm not some perfect stepford wife or whatever the ideal woman is supposed to be but I... I'm trying to do better and do right by my family yet most just judge me for my past.

 

Should I tell my husband what his mother said or just let it go? I keep thinking if I do I'm just going to be opening myself up to more moments like this and I'd rather her just openly say what she thinks rather than just act nice and then insult me in private.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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So the kids grand parents were over and my husband's mother she... well we've never really had a chance to get to know each other. However we were alone in the kitchen and she got really bitchy with me she said and I quote "I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart that since the beginning I've hated you and the worst thing that ever happened to my son was meeting someone like you."

 

Then she just went back into the living room and was all smiles with everyone like nothing happened. Long story short she pretty much implied that she's always seen through me and doesn't care that I love her son. I mean I get it I'm not a saint I'm not some perfect stepford wife or whatever the ideal woman is supposed to be but I... I'm trying to do better and do right by my family yet most just judge me for my past.

 

Should I tell my husband what his mother said or just let it go? I keep thinking if I do I'm just going to be opening myself up to more moments like this and I'd rather her just openly say what she thinks rather than just act nice and then insult me in private.

 

That must have been horrible to be on the receiving end of. What a psycho. I've met people like her, and to be honest I think they rely on you repeating what they've said to you privately - purely so that they can deny it and plant doubts in other people's minds.

 

That said, your husband must have some inkling of what she's like. So maybe something along the lines of "your mother has told me privately that she doesn't like me. I don't want you confronting her about it, because there's little point and it will just create a lot of drama that we don't need. Plus at the end of the day, she's your mother and I'm not going to come between the two of you. I'll deal with it, but I think it's something you should be aware of in case you sense any tension during family stuff."

 

As for how to handle any future "here's what I think of you" outbursts from her when there's nobody around...deep breaths, then look at her blankly and give a neutral response. Maybe something that gives her a message of "Noted. That's a shame, but I suppose there's nothing I can do about the way you feel." If she starts trying to psyche you into thinking otherwise (by blaming you - "I feel this way because of X you say and Y you do") just tell her "given that you've told me the strength of your dislike for me, I rather doubt there's anything to be done about this - and it's probably better that we just try to keep our dealings with eachother civil and as minimal as is practical under the circumstances."

 

Her feelings, her job to address them if your existence and your marriage to her son makes her feel uncomfortable...not your problem, and don't let her kid you that it is. A reasonable, functional person just does not come out with the sort of comment she made to you. The problem here is not that she doesn't like or even hates you. The problem is whatever it is within her that makes her come out with such vitriolic and inappropriate outbursts.

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So sorry this happened to you.

 

I'm wondering if she knows what you do for a living. You're getting no judgement from me, but a more conservative person would probably look at what you do and think her child could do far better.

 

However, if she doesn't know what you do... and you are polite and thoughtful towards her, then I've got no idea where she's coming from.

 

Personally, I would tell my husband what she said. If for no other reason than being able to avoid her at future events without needing to explain myself.

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I wasn't aware of Miss C's job. There's almost an inevitability that being in that controversial line of work is going to result in friction. Still, to speak like that to somebody in private - and then go back into the room with everybody else and be sweetness and light is vile.

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amaysngrace

She sounds really mean. Maybe she gets off on making other people feel like crap.

 

Usually if someone is in that nasty mood, where they try to make other people feel badly, they are going through some things themselves.

 

Not saying that you deserve to be spoken to so horribly because you definitely don't but maybe she is just really really miserable right now.

 

But just the fact that she'd bring it up while you're entertaining rather than taking it up with you privately just shows how unstable she is.

 

Is she always lacking in good manners and class?

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Few women are going to want their son married to a woman who does/did Miss C's job.

The MIL is keeping it civil in front of the family, but is letting Miss C know her true feelings.

Horrible for Miss C, but not really surprising.

Blowing the family up here is not going to help anyone and may split the family, with the son perhaps ending up being ostracised by his mother and perhaps other family members too.

Nothing is going to change her mind here, so no point in trying. Causing mayhem over this disclosure will only hurt those who do not deserve it.

I think Miss C should absorb the info, smile sweetly and keep the peace for the sake of her husband and her children.

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I think Taramere gave you great advice.

 

 

While I certainly don't understand your job or your motives for having it, that is your choice. I assume your husband knows what you do for a living. If he's OK with it, then carry on.

 

 

Do tell him what his mom said because that was an over the top thing to say even if she disapproves. Since you are her son's wife & the mother of her grandchild there were much kinder ways to express disagreement with your choices, then calling you horrible names. I'd be afraid she'd say garbage like that to your children which can cause real harm. Make sure your husband is poised to prevent that.

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Mum-in-law sounds like me and something I'd say...

 

I'm sorry, but while she may have used some colorful language, I looked back on some of the OP's threads and sorta see where mum-in-law is coming from.

 

I've never been a "mother", but my brother and nephew are/were sorta my "boys" cuz I've had a significant hand/role in their development - they even defer to me when they have questions about life, stuff, etc.

 

IMO, we "mothers" know certain things. We see what others may not see and we often genuinely care for our kids (aka "mother bear" ready to rip apart anyone who messes with her cubs).

 

In my case, my nephew's first wife - I would have told her what the OP's mum told her - even worst. I sometimes wish I could pick her up and throw her through a window and/or up against a wall. She put my nephew through so much. Like the OP's mum-in-law, I never said anything. I tried to be smiley and supportive and I didn't even need to say those vile words and/or kick her face in cuz they divorced without me even having an ounce of involvement.

 

So trust me, some mums are controlling/evil, but some of us have a reason for saying/feeling a certain way...we just wants what's best for our kids.

 

I like my nephew's current gf - no, I love her :) . Actually, I'm doing everything I can without getting involved to keep them together. And, cuz of how I tactfully stay out - yet stay involved, I've been able to sorta influence them to stay together.

 

My brother's wife. Eh, I have my days that she makes me scratch my head. But, unlike my nephew's ex-wife, my brother's wife is more of a ding-bat instead of malicious. So, I don't say much and am supportive. They both also come to me and complain about each other and I seriously stay somewhat neutral. I feel like a "mediator" - where I'm not picking sides and just work with the both of them to reach a happy medium.

 

So you see, some mums we don't like the women our kids get involved with, but you just want your kids to be happy - so you act nice, you act supportive, but after a while - especially if they're with someone destructive how else can you sit by and shut up and not say a thing?

 

My nephew, even when he announced divorce - while I wasn't like "It's about time, I couldn't stand that b###", I simply was like "Ok, make sure you do/don't do this/that" - in other words, I remained somewhat "neutral" even though I was jumping for joy that she was going back to stay with her evil mother and sisters and out of my nephew's life.

Edited by Gloria25
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I'm not defending the mothe in law, but are you still deceiving your husband? As I recall you have a job as a sex worker and your husband knows nothing about it. You and your daughter both keep this secret from him. Before you try to stir up drama between he and his mother you might consider being honest with him for once. His mother was out of line but it sounds like she does see through you and knows you are not the person you are pretending to be. I wouldn't want my sons to marry a deceitful woman either though if they did I wouldn't sneak behind their backs to say nasty things to the wife, I'd tell my sons straight up to their face what I thought and then I'd let them make their own decision.

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So sorry this happened to you.

 

I'm wondering if she knows what you do for a living. You're getting no judgement from me, but a more conservative person would probably look at what you do and think her child could do far better.

 

However, if she doesn't know what you do... and you are polite and thoughtful towards her, then I've got no idea where she's coming from.

 

Personally, I would tell my husband what she said. If for no other reason than being able to avoid her at future events without needing to explain myself.

 

What the OP does for a living isn't the problem, the problem is that she deceives her husband. If she's going to tell her husband the truth about his mother then she should at least be adult enough to tell him the truth about herself.

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MissCongeniality
I'm not defending the mothe in law, but are you still deceiving your husband? As I recall you have a job as a sex worker and your husband knows nothing about it. You and your daughter both keep this secret from him. Before you try to stir up drama between he and his mother you might consider being honest with him for once. His mother was out of line but it sounds like she does see through you and knows you are not the person you are pretending to be. I wouldn't want my sons to marry a deceitful woman either though if they did I wouldn't sneak behind their backs to say nasty things to the wife, I'd tell my sons straight up to their face what I thought and then I'd let them make their own decision.

My husband knows everything now it wasn't easy but we got through it telling him about my oldest daughter's bio dad was even less easy but we're currently working through it. It's just the things my mother in law (she's a private eye or something like that so I guess I shouldn't be surprised if I'm right) said to me imply that she's known everything about me. As to why she never outed me about my past or anything else I have no idea.

 

Honestly what caught me off guard is that I'm usually always putting on an act and I've been trying to change that by being more honest but I've never really been the one whose been acted to if that makes sense.

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BettyDraper

Choosing a controversial career will always result in disapproval from society and friction with others. While your MIL has no reason to confront you in such a crude manner, I'm sorry to say that I understand why she would not be pleased with your occupation.

 

I don't know any mother who who want her child to marry a sex worker. I know this sounds horribly judgmental but I am being honest and practical about the way most people perceive those who work in the sex trade.

 

I'm not sure what telling your husband would accomplish so I would just let it go.

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BettyDraper
Mum-in-law sounds like me and something I'd say...

 

I'm sorry, but while she may have used some colorful language, I looked back on some of the OP's threads and sorta see where mum-in-law is coming from.

 

I've never been a "mother", but my brother and nephew are/were sorta my "boys" cuz I've had a significant hand/role in their development - they even defer to me when they have questions about life, stuff, etc.

 

IMO, we "mothers" know certain things. We see what others may not see and we often genuinely care for our kids (aka "mother bear" ready to rip apart anyone who messes with her cubs).

 

In my case, my nephew's first wife - I would have told her what the OP's mum told her - even worst. I sometimes wish I could pick her up and throw her through a window and/or up against a wall. She put my nephew through so much. Like the OP's mum-in-law, I never said anything. I tried to be smiley and supportive and I didn't even need to say those vile words and/or kick her face in cuz they divorced without me even having an ounce of involvement.

 

So trust me, some mums are controlling/evil, but some of us have a reason for saying/feeling a certain way...we just wants what's best for our kids.

 

I like my nephew's current gf - no, I love her :) . Actually, I'm doing everything I can without getting involved to keep them together. And, cuz of how I tactfully stay out - yet stay involved, I've been able to sorta influence them to stay together.

 

My brother's wife. Eh, I have my days that she makes me scratch my head. But, unlike my nephew's ex-wife, my brother's wife is more of a ding-bat instead of malicious. So, I don't say much and am supportive. They both also come to me and complain about each other and I seriously stay somewhat neutral. I feel like a "mediator" - where I'm not picking sides and just work with the both of them to reach a happy medium.

 

So you see, some mums we don't like the women our kids get involved with, but you just want your kids to be happy - so you act nice, you act supportive, but after a while - especially if they're with someone destructive how else can you sit by and shut up and not say a thing?

 

My nephew, even when he announced divorce - while I wasn't like "It's about time, I couldn't stand that b###", I simply was like "Ok, make sure you do/don't do this/that" - in other words, I remained somewhat "neutral" even though I was jumping for joy that she was going back to stay with her evil mother and sisters and out of my nephew's life.

 

All of this is very true and the reason I am still polite to my MIL even when she is rude for no reason.

 

The woman is hurting over "losing" her sons to their wives even though they both married magnanimous and caring women.

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I wouldn't sneak behind their backs to say nasty things to the wife, I'd tell my sons straight up to their face what I thought and then I'd let them make their own decision.

 

Yes, tell your sons/daughters what you "really" think of their husband/wife and get ready to never see your grandkids.

 

The best thing you can do is try to raise your kids right so they're smart enough to pick well and/or seek your approval before marrying...but that doesn't happen now a days. Parents don't teach their kids and/or model a good marriage/family and/or don't get involved with their kid's dating choices. So, when they pick a dud, you just have to sit there and smile, unless you want them to cut you out of their lives.

Edited by Gloria25
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  • 2 weeks later...
Readandwrite

Well...sorry...but at least she is being honest. Not two faced.

 

Honestly...I'd just be myself and ignore her. Its great you don't have to be nice can try to make her like you.

 

Glad ur hubby knows. ..

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KittyKat67

I have known a few people in the sex worker category all who led rather clean lives outside of that. It opened my eyes that its not the dirty scum not respect job that people that think. I'm just opened minded, your MIL is not.

 

Being that you are a sex worker and its hard to defend that, so don't. Accept that his mother doesn't like you and doesn't like your work and will never like you. Also know she is pre judging you because thats all she has to go on, its not personal.

 

Being a sex worker seems like its a fine line between accepting yourself and being proud of what you do, to feeling slightly ashamed and isolated.

 

Find out why you are doing this line of work. Dig deep and if you fins that this type of work does no damage to your self esteem, then 10 middle fingers to the meddlers. I you find you are slightly ashamed, then you may not be in the best line of work for the future of you relationship with your self. That comes first anyways. When you keep it 100 with yourself, nobody can touch you. Peace sister

Edited by KittyKat67
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KittyKat67

also, I had a MIL who I didn't get along with. At first it was uncomfortable. But as I started to mature, I wasn't intimidated and treated her really the same way she was to me, and she started to change. It was hard as I found it disrespetful to be rude or icey, but she was to me so I just said one day f*ck it. It was taking too much energy to act fake. So I was polite, but you could feel the north pole all up in my vibration on a day where it was 1oo degrees outside. Nicey nice doesn't pay. be you, be real and keep it movin, and I mean that!

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WasOtherWoman

What sort of person is the MIL? My husband's mother detested me. She was a wretched woman, so I was fine it.

 

I was always cheerful, and unfailingly polite but did really not give a rats behind that she didn't like me.

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Whoa! Well at least she told you how she feels instead of playing games. Next time she confronts you, tell her she needs boundaries and filter control. She won't like it but, it will let her know that you won't be bullied. Sure, she will complain to your husband but, she had probably done plenty of that already.

 

There is no reason to involve the spouse because they never side with wife. After years of abuse, I finally took up for myself and all that crap stopped. We no longer visit, call or anything. Not having holidays ruined, forced to endure long family vacations, and not hearing their helpful advice has been a blessing.

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