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Wife and Mother Issues


FrustratedHus

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FrustratedHus

I have been married for 10 years but we have always lived with with my parents in their house.

We currently cant afford to buy a place or even rent due to paying debts and earning little money so have no choice but to stay at my parents.

 

The problem is my wife and mother dont get along well. Theres no swearing or direct sarcsm involved but only just little irritations that gets on my wife's nerves that causes arguments between us. When i say little i mean little. For example, if my wife puts on the washing machine and goes shopping, my mother may take the clothes out when it has finished and hangs them out to dry. Rather than seeing that as a helping her, my wife sees it as a threat and kinda undermining her. We have such a big argument over these kind of small issues that sometimes we feel like splitting up!

 

I hope tried talking to my mother but all she says is that she cant always know what will cause irritation although my wife says it is deliberate.

 

Although my mother do things that can irritate the wife, I dont think they are big enough to make a big deal. I just keep telling my wife to ignore but she does not get it.

 

I know some women take these little irritations from other women seriously but if u look at what the chores my mother does, any human being with any sense will ignore her irritations:

 

For example, my mother does-

- Most of the cooking for the family

- Goes out on her own to buy food shopping using her OWN pension money

- Cleans the house and clothes

- Looks after our young daughter while we go out/to work

 

Although we contribute by paying electricity and phone bills, the rest is covered by my parents. We dont even pay rent.

 

So am i right in telling my wife to ignore my mother's irritations considering the amount of work she does?

 

I am so frustrated coming home everyday and having my wife arguing with me about what my mother did that day.

 

Hopefully in the next 2 years we would have saved enough money to move out but until then my head with explode.

 

Im like a teacher between 2 arguing kids.

 

Please provide an advice for a solution??:(

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Huh?

 

Your mother

Cooks

Cleans

Washes the clothes

Watches your child

Let's you live practically FREE

 

And you two

Continue to have debt

Your wife complains about Mom

 

What the heck???????

 

Get rid of the debt by using your earned money to rent somewhere!

 

Get a plan and stick to it! Map out EVERY dollar you earn and spend. Eliminate non essentials!

 

Then see how your wife acts when SHE has to help cook, clean, care fora child AND work full time.

 

Your wife seems terribly ungrateful! Allow her to understand perfectly clear that SHE has a problem. Life is not about getting a free ride and criticizing how the ride goes.

 

Has she always been spoiled? Take charge of your marriage and tell your wife there will be NO MORE complaining about your Mom's generosity!

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FrustratedHus
Huh?

 

Your mother

Cooks

Cleans

Washes the clothes

Watches your child

Let's you live practically FREE

 

And you two

Continue to have debt

Your wife complains about Mom

 

What the heck???????

 

Get rid of the debt by using your earned money to rent somewhere!

 

Get a plan and stick to it! Map out EVERY dollar you earn and spend. Eliminate non essentials!

 

Then see how your wife acts when SHE has to help cook, clean, care fora child AND work full time.

 

Your wife seems terribly ungrateful! Allow her to understand perfectly clear that SHE has a problem. Life is not about getting a free ride and criticizing how the ride goes.

 

Has she always been spoiled? Take charge of your marriage and tell your wife there will be NO MORE complaining about your Mom's generosity!

 

Trust me I have been through everything but she just don't accept the reality and keeps saying I'm supporting my mother rather than her even though I keep on saying I'm being neutral.

The funny thing is that she is pushing my parents to hand over thousands of their savings to help us to buy a house. She still will continue to criticise her even if their life savings is given to us as a gift.

What do I do? I have tried many times over the years to make her realise what she is doing.

But we just end up having big arguments over my mother so I tend to keep quiet even though it's hard.

The other day my wife accused my mother of deliberately cooking in the morning so my wife's hair will smell before she leaves for work!

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I'd hazard a guess and say the problem isn't that your Mom and Wife don't like each other, the problem is you are living with and sponging off your parents when you should not be, 10 years... wow.. your parents sound like they are building resentment for your lack of being able to take care of yourselves..

 

Time to move out and stop blaming your Mom for something that shouldn't even be a problem.

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I suspect that the bottom line is: your wife resents living with your parents. Full stop.

 

And really, after 10 years, who wouldn't?

 

It's not about your mother.

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Lois_Griffin

You conveniently didn't address any of the relevant issues S2B brought up. I'm not sure if you're really that obtuse?

 

What is so wrong with the TWO of you that you feel completely JUSTIFIED in taking full advantage of an old woman living on a pension, for all these years?????

 

Are you really going to claim that between the two of you working full time and paying NOTHING while sponging off your poor elderly mother, that you can't get your sh*t together and like adults, get your own place?

 

Shame on the both of you.

 

So you're 'frustrated' coming home to your mother's house every day (even though you don't pay rent and the woman does everything but chew your food for you)? There's a real simple answer for that. Man the hell up and make your own way in the world instead of depending on your mother to support the family YOU chose to have.

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OP, I lived the life you speak of, and can tell you this.

 

The crux of the matter is, the wife is being disrespectful and ungracious.

 

That is her cross to bare and its affecting the family harmony.

 

Have you both sat down and revised the budget? Have you considered filing for bankruptcy ? That would have been the thing to do given that bankruptcy is 7 years and then you'd be three years to the good to regroup your finances.

Bankruptcy is NOT a "moral" issue, its a legal option.

 

I get the Living at home deal...

 

I'd have your wife come up with alternate ideas, hear her out. Because clearly this arrangement isn't working for her.

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BettyDraper
I have been married for 10 years but we have always lived with with my parents in their house.

We currently cant afford to buy a place or even rent due to paying debts and earning little money so have no choice but to stay at my parents.

 

The problem is my wife and mother dont get along well. Theres no swearing or direct sarcsm involved but only just little irritations that gets on my wife's nerves that causes arguments between us. When i say little i mean little. For example, if my wife puts on the washing machine and goes shopping, my mother may take the clothes out when it has finished and hangs them out to dry. Rather than seeing that as a helping her, my wife sees it as a threat and kinda undermining her. We have such a big argument over these kind of small issues that sometimes we feel like splitting up!

 

I hope tried talking to my mother but all she says is that she cant always know what will cause irritation although my wife says it is deliberate.

 

Although my mother do things that can irritate the wife, I dont think they are big enough to make a big deal. I just keep telling my wife to ignore but she does not get it.

 

I know some women take these little irritations from other women seriously but if u look at what the chores my mother does, any human being with any sense will ignore her irritations:

 

For example, my mother does-

- Most of the cooking for the family

- Goes out on her own to buy food shopping using her OWN pension money

- Cleans the house and clothes

- Looks after our young daughter while we go out/to work

 

Although we contribute by paying electricity and phone bills, the rest is covered by my parents. We dont even pay rent.

 

So am i right in telling my wife to ignore my mother's irritations considering the amount of work she does?

 

I am so frustrated coming home everyday and having my wife arguing with me about what my mother did that day.

 

Hopefully in the next 2 years we would have saved enough money to move out but until then my head with explode.

 

Im like a teacher between 2 arguing kids.

 

Please provide an advice for a solution??:(

 

My husband and I managed to live by ourselves even when he wasn't working and we had plenty of debt. We also lived in one of the most expensive cities in Canada. All we could afford were crappy apartments until we bought our home. If we could do that, I don't see why you and your wife cannot move out of your parents' home like adults. I don't know why you and your wife married without being able to stand on your own two feet.

 

Your wife is very ungrateful and rude. She's lucky that your mother hasn't kicked the two of you out of her home for being too dependent! I can't imagine how your wife can have the nerve to be angry with your mother when your wife isn't doing anything around the house. Your wife should be doing all of the housework to pay her way! :eek:

 

What you need to do is get your own place and stop depending on your parents like small children. Your wife needs to apologize to your mother for being unappreciative of all that the poor older woman has done. Your wife is brave to ask your parents for money to buy a house after all that they have done already. Your wife seems to have some entitlement and maturity issues.

 

Please stop begging your parents for housing and money. They deserve to be free of adult children at this point in their lives. I don't know how you can allow your wife to take advantage of your parents the way she does. Don't you have any respect and love for your parents? It sounds like you're not ashamed to milk your parents for everything they have and that's a problem.

Edited by BettyDraper
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Trust me I have been through everything but she just don't accept the reality and keeps saying I'm supporting my mother rather than her even though I keep on saying I'm being neutral.

The funny thing is that she is pushing my parents to hand over thousands of their savings to help us to buy a house. She still will continue to criticise her even if their life savings is given to us as a gift.

What do I do? I have tried many times over the years to make her realise what she is doing.

But we just end up having big arguments over my mother so I tend to keep quiet even though it's hard.

The other day my wife accused my mother of deliberately cooking in the morning so my wife's hair will smell before she leaves for work!

 

Time to start being the boss in your marriage and speak up man! I'd have no problem telling my wife to stop it and stop it NOW.

 

And if she talk to/about my Mom unkindly again I'd tell her you're ending the marriage based on her being completely unreasonable and disrespectful.

 

I have a notion that your wife won't be grateful no matter what she's "given". And that's a problem. IF she wants something done a certain way - SHE should do it herself!

 

Let her work full time. Have her cook and clean and watch the child all the while - don't do one thing for her. Tell your Mom to stop doing for your wife. Then see how your wife handles all the tasks that your Mom does for you two.

 

When dinner is served tell her she needs to go cook her own meal. Tell her to do her own dishes. Tell her the laundry needs to be done.

 

Then see how she likes it after a few weeks of reality.

 

Your wife is a spoiled brat! Treat her like she is! Stop staying silent and start telling her that she is out of line!

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FrustratedHus

I appreciate everyones responses but the truth is there is not much I can do at the moment.

I have manned up and tried to put my wife in place but the outcome has always been big screaming arguments.

 

I am grateful my mother helps and i try my best to help them in other ways such as taking them to the hospital for appointments etc.

 

Over these years i have been brain washed by my wife by her saying that every household has issues with the wife and her mother in law and its usually the mother who causes the problem. She keeps on saying that mothers usually dont accept that their son now has another woman and gets jealous, hence the irritations.

 

I am trying hard to save money so we can at least buy a small house to move out and live alone. But i know that even in a new house, the wife will continue to moan about my parents as she will find it hard to get used to working, cooking, looking after the kids even though i will always help. She thinks that it is parents responsibility to provide and secure their childrens future even if they are adults.

 

Trust me i have tried preaching but it just does not register in her head and we just have big arguments. Even my parents say just ignore her to keep the peace.

Im in a no win situation. Who do I support? I have a child so leaving the marriage is not an option especially breaking up over the frictions between my mother and wife.

 

I sometimes feel like running away or jumping off a bridge because its that bad.

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I appreciate everyones responses but the truth is there is not much I can do at the moment.

I have manned up and tried to put my wife in place but the outcome has always been big screaming arguments.

 

I am grateful my mother helps and i try my best to help them in other ways such as taking them to the hospital for appointments etc.

 

Over these years i have been brain washed by my wife by her saying that every household has issues with the wife and her mother in law and its usually the mother who causes the problem. She keeps on saying that mothers usually dont accept that their son now has another woman and gets jealous, hence the irritations.

 

I am trying hard to save money so we can at least buy a small house to move out and live alone. But i know that even in a new house, the wife will continue to moan about my parents as she will find it hard to get used to working, cooking, looking after the kids even though i will always help. She thinks that it is parents responsibility to provide and secure their childrens future even if they are adults.

 

Trust me i have tried preaching but it just does not register in her head and we just have big arguments. Even my parents say just ignore her to keep the peace.

Im in a no win situation. Who do I support? I have a child so leaving the marriage is not an option especially breaking up over the frictions between my mother and wife.

 

I sometimes feel like running away or jumping off a bridge because its that bad.

 

What nationality is your wife?

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dreamingoftigers
Huh?

 

Your mother

Cooks

Cleans

Washes the clothes

Watches your child

Let's you live practically FREE

 

And you two

Continue to have debt

Your wife complains about Mom

 

What the heck???????

 

Get rid of the debt by using your earned money to rent somewhere!

 

Get a plan and stick to it! Map out EVERY dollar you earn and spend. Eliminate non essentials!

 

Then see how your wife acts when SHE has to help cook, clean, care fora child AND work full time.

 

Your wife seems terribly ungrateful! Allow her to understand perfectly clear that SHE has a problem. Life is not about getting a free ride and criticizing how the ride goes.

 

Has she always been spoiled? Take charge of your marriage and tell your wife there will be NO MORE complaining about your Mom's generosity!

 

Oh boy

 

I actually have THE OPPOSITE take on this having witnessed this with my grandmother and mother growing up.

 

My mother would try to do things to take care of chores etc. And my grandmother would "undo" them or "take over."

 

 

Look, my grandma is awesome. Seriously awesome. I love her to bits and I can see that she is an insanely productive person TO THIS DAY. She's 91 and volunteers full-time. In fact she used to volunteer at two places. She jogs. (Yes, she JOGS, AT 91). She's very healthy and VERY independent.

 

My Mom had a pretty poor self-esteem and severe back problems whenni was a kid. So my grandmother really took care of me. But it was super-hard on my Mom to not be able to be the lady of her own home.

 

My Mom ended up really resenting it. I don't think my Mom is a crappy person either. But IT IS a pattern I notice with people, if you "overcare" for them, they feel insulted. It's like they are saying through actions "you aren't capable."

 

My Mom does some overcaring stuff in regards to my daughter and I have to keep it in check sometimes that I know it's family patterning. I know she's trying to "help" and not tell me "you suck as a Mom!" At least I hope that...... Hmm......

 

I think A LOT of family conflicts come about this way. In fact, one of the first Chapters of Toxic Parents is about parents that "overdo" for their kids. I get this isn't your Mom's daughter and she is totally trying to help, not be "toxic."

 

But if your wife has feelings about it, ignoring them ON TOP OF the resent, is just awful husbanding. It really is.

 

Ask your wife what she feels she wants to contribute. And then SUPPORT THAT.

 

My Mom at least wanted to do laundry instead of just being a back-injured burden. My grandma wouldn't just let it happen. My Mom even HID laundry to do. (Yes, it got this juvenile). What did grandma do? She FOUND it and DID it. Arg.

 

It was like grandma was saying, "this is my thing, not your thing, you don't have anything useful to contribute." I will day this though: my mother is TERRIBLE at laundry. She doesn't even separate anything. All of my white shirts either turned pink or gray after grandma left. But that's not the point.

 

EVERYONE likes to feel like their contribution matters. My husband and I do different household stuff. I virtually never rag on him about how to do it. And I don't do his stuff for him unless he's really behind, and that's letting him know I still have respect for him.

 

By the way, you trying to "mediate this" will only really piss both of them off. They are both adults. Let them deal. Let them sort their stuff.

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dreamingoftigers
From the indian sub continent

 

Yes, parents are largely depended upon in Indian culture.

 

Very much so.

 

A good deal of this is probably cultural.

 

Now, as well, there's people here saying "oh your wife is ungrateful for the chore help she's getting, well get her to do chores."

 

The say I read it was that SHE IS TRYING to do chores and it's being taken over and done for her.

 

That doesn't leave her much if a role, does it?

 

Given her culture it does not surprise me at all that she is requesting to have money to move out and be able to run her own home.

 

I think you should consider MC. You are coming from two very different perspectives. I can totally see the frustration.

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And what debt do you have that's taking up the monthly money you're both earning?

 

Do either one of you spend on things regularly that could be deemed non essential items?

 

Have you looked closely at your budget with your wife? How does she view saving money towards a common goal?

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Your wife is the problem. Your mother is doing too much. You need to grow up and start paying up your debts rather than collecting and asking your parents to pay up. Duh !

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From the indian sub continent

I've no idea how you lot live on top of each other with families and that. The problem is, you are posting on Loveshack and we are mainly in the West. We have our own place, it's easier for us to earn the money to get something so we can't really relate to your problem.

 

It seems though that you think your wife would just argue with you whatever the situation. Why don't you divorce her?

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And what debt do you have that's taking up the monthly money you're both earning?

 

Do either one of you spend on things regularly that could be deemed non essential items?

 

Have you looked closely at your budget with your wife? How does she view saving money towards a common goal?

It's very poor where these guys live. I don't know how poor they are as such but the Indian subcontinent is poor.

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JstarTheCat

I can understand how a wife would want to run her own home after ten years of living with her husband's parents. That said, if the financial situation is sour, shouldn't good sense take over? She should help work toward common goals, save money as necessary, and stop the complaints and arguments until then.

 

From another perspective, people in America often live by themselves too much. A friend of mine from another country was puzzled when he came to the US. "So much space.... and you live by yourself?" he commented. To him, it was unnatural. In many parts of the world, grandparents, parents, married children, and their children as well often live all under the same roof. Need more space? Add on to the house! I don't know how things are done in India, but I would imagine that poorer people all over the world follow a similar path. Living together just saves money.

 

To solve some of the immediate problem, maybe she needs some time away? Spend a week with a friend or someone from her own family? Weekend getaway for the two of you?

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It's very poor where these guys live. I don't know how poor they are as such but the Indian subcontinent is poor.

 

Well he didn't actually say that is where they live, he said that is the culture his wife comes from.

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Well he didn't actually say that is where they live, he said that is the culture his wife comes from.

True! I assumed that's why they still lived at home.

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