I'm embarrassed of my boyfriends mom!

[livelife]

Ok, so let me start off with a little disclaimer: I am in no way snobby, and I know this might come off wrong. My whole life I was raised with class and come from an educated family. We have lived comfortably financially my whole life. My dad passed away and years later my mom remarried and my stepdad is very wealthy. Due to being around him so much, it has changed me as a person in good ways. I make even better grades than I ever have, I have manners, I keep my look classy, etc.

 

I am 24 years old. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. He was raised by two parents who had him out of wedlock. They got married, but then divorced because my boyfriends mom cheated on him. My boyfriend had a good upbringing, until his dad got hurt on the job and now can not work. His mom went crazy, she drinks way too much, pretty sure she's semi addicted to xanax but I don't know that. She cusses like a sailor, She's just downright trashy. She is a grown woman, has the most tacky tattoos all over her arms you would ever see, she has a nose ring, she's just the last thing you would expect to raise my boyfriend. She's also been arrested a few times (just found that out...yay. Thanks google). She is now dating a toothless hillbilly and lives in some dump of a house with 4 other people.

 

My boyfriend is in school and actually cares about his appearance.

Anyways, I'm honestly embarrassed for her to meet my family. We just aren't like that at all, and thats all there is to it. I get anxiety about them meeting.

 

My boyfriend distances himself from his family, but again its his family that will never change. I have talked to him about it and he has understood until recently has began to take it personally. In his words he doesn't understand why my mom would think differently of HIM because of his mom. My family loves my boyfriend, very accepting of him because he's so FAR different from his family. I know they won't be that accepting of his mother though..

 

What do I do?! Any personal experiences welcomed and encouraged!

 

 

edited: I also would like to add that I understand its his family and there is nothing I can do, but how can I warm my mom up to her? I do like his mom, she's funny, nice (to me. I've heard otherwise though), and she helps me when my bf and I are having issues, her initial judgement though would not be good and I'm worried about that

Edited April 25, 2016 by livelife

[d0nnivain]

Simply don't spend a lot of time there. You will have to see her occasionally but if you are as classy as you claim to be, you have the manners to be polite. Do that.

[mrldii]

Simply don't spend a lot of time there. You will have to see her occasionally but if you are as classy as you claim to be, you have the manners to be polite. Do that.

 

 

This^^^

 

Since you were raised "like that" by a family who's "classy", you won't have to worry about your mother and her reactions...she knows better AND knows how to be polite, too...she taught YOU, 'member?

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[livelife]

This is very true! You are absolutely right. My mom would never be rude to someones face, but Im sure I would feel some bad tension in the room! Its okay though. Thank you for your replies

[pteromom]

Maybe give your mom a heads up. Tell her prior to their meeting that his mom and her bf are more "hillbilly" type people who are more raucous and rowdy and rural, and set the expectations. If your mom is expecting someone really bad, maybe she will even be pleasantly surprised when they meet.

[Satu]

"The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves but how she’s treated."

 

- George Bernard Shaw

[Standard-Fare]

You're acknowledging a class difference here. That's a valid detail to take note of, but instead of approaching it as "They're different," you're taking on a tone of "We're better." (Whether you mean to take that tone or not.)

 

If your parents are enlightened and open-minded people, they shouldn't have a problem with accepting the company of a woman who may be lower class with them, with different standards and habits. If they're more rigid, and I'll say it - snobby - then yes there could be some awkwardness. Either way, all you can do is give them a little heads up and hope for the best.

 

What's cringey to me is that you've brought this up as a problem with your boyfriend, forcing him to feel ashamed of his own mother. That should have remained in your head. I wouldn't push that button any further.

[Trishern]

I have a friend who was embarrassed of her dad and she prepped her BF up, by saying ho weird her dad was and very eccentric he was, but that he had a good heart.

 

 

She made her dad to be much worse than he was, so her BF actually thought he wasn't that bad when he finally met him.

 

 

Perhaps you can consider doing the same sort of thing.

 

 

Are you guys serious? planning to get married? If your not then I don't see the point in them even needing to meet.

 

 

Mrs T

[Tayla]

Wow! This reminds me so much of when my brother was betrothed to a lady.

He was deeply ashamed of my mom, she was "working class", single parent. My mom didn't have tattoos or upper class upbringing. She was though a "commoner".

So the week came in which my mom was flown to the soon to be daughter in laws family abode. My brother prepped his fiancée' family.

 

Enter - my mom. Welcomed with open arms. The entire week was a series of cocktail parties and introductions. Upon her departure the family each extended an open invitation to revisit. And each time she did, they remained gracious.

 

When my mom passed away, it was this loving family that followed genuine condolences. My brother in his years of marriage to this fine lady , often said, her family is a classy breed, for they genuinely welcomed and embraced his family.

 

So Op, I'd like to think your family has that knack of hospitality.

The deeds we do today, lay the foundation for future encounters.

Sounds like you have a gentleman for a bf.

[CC12]

I know they won't be that accepting of his mother though..

 

So what? What are you worried will happen? They'll force you to stop dating your boyfriend? Everyone's just going to have to accept each other and be respectful of one another. Surely everyone involved can manage that?

 

And sorry, but you do sound snobby. Or just pretty harshly judgmental about his mother, a person you say you like - she's funny, she's nice to you, and she's helped you out. But you say things like this about her:

 

She's just downright trashy.

 

She is now dating a toothless hillbilly and lives in some dump of a house with 4 other people.

 

Really not nice. That's your boyfriend's mother.

 

You seem to have passed judgment on some of her life choices that have nothing to do with you. She doesn't even really sound that bad! She had a kid under not-ideal circumstances, had a marriage end, she drinks too much, has ****ty tattoos, curses a lot, and has been arrested for some (probably pretty minor) stuff. Just like a lot of other people! Not that big of a deal, honestly.

 

If your parents need some kind of warning before they meet her or else they'll simply retch at being exposed to someone of a different socioeconomic status, you can say, "Boyfriend's mom is kind of rough around the edges. She swears sometimes, but she's funny and she's always been really nice to me, and I hope you'll like her."

 

There's also something else I think you should consider. You say that your boyfriend distances himself from his family. I hope you will think about whether you have anything to do with that. You've told him that you have certain opinions about his mother (which I think was a huge mistake) and he could be spending less time with his family if he's trying to keep you away from them. Unless things are really and truly toxic, you shouldn't stand in the way of him spending time with his family.

[Emilia]

"He was raised by two parents who had him out of wedlock."

 

Do people still talk like this in the 21st century? Are you sure you are not 90 years old?

[livelife]

"He was raised by two parents who had him out of wedlock."

 

Do people still talk like this in the 21st century? Are you sure you are not 90 years old?

 

Nope, not 90. Just educated- thank you.

 

And thank you to everyone for the replies. I will prep my mom and stepdad for her. Also, I have not had an impact on my boyfriend being distant from his family. He moved out as a junior in high school and didn't speak to them until I came around. I brought them back together because I understand the importance of family. And to those with personal experiences, thank you. It made me feel more at ease with the meeting!