Independence of elderly parents

[clever_clogs]

My parents are in their late 80s. Dad is very fit and healthy. Mum is frail, has dementia and recently had a fall and broke her leg. She may be discharged soon, once the council has inspected their home to be sure it is safe for her in her current state. Dad won't hear of getting in someone to help, although they are entitled to a helper. He feels he should take care of Mum although with the dementia she is becoming a risk to herself.

 

The fall happened after the warned her not to go outside because the steps were slippery. He was about to clean them when she went outside and slipped on the steps, because she forgot he'd warned her not to. He cannot watch her all the time. He has his hobbies that he loves and he goes crazy if he's cooped up unable to do them. But he won't listen to advice from the doctor or even the social worker, suggesting a part time helper to share the load. The council will pay, so there are no costs to him. He just feels he ought to be able to do it all himself.

 

He has taken care of her their whole lives. He deserves help. We live too far away to be much help day to day, and my sister who lives closer tries to help out too but he won't hear of it. We are worried in case something happens, either to Dad or to Mum, and my sister has mentioned this to the social worker too, but if Dad keeps refusing help they can't force him.

[carhill]

IMO, continue to offer assistance and document any health and safety issues which arise.

 

I was a caregiver for a dementia sufferer, her disease trending to the psychotic, and had to get creative about how to get things done and keep her safe. However, that was a parent and not a spouse. The bond is different. There was a film about a decade ago about this dynamic called 'Away from Her'. I remember it because Julie Christie portrayed the Alzheimer's patient and the film focused on the family dynamics.

 

IMO, you'll likely get the best support and advice locally from people who know your social customs and laws and have been down the path. The main thing I learned was how isolated caregivers and loved ones can feel and that we're not alone. This is a wide-spread challenge and people figure it out every day and we can help each other.

 

Best wishes!