Boyfriends mom scares me so much?

[Lovehel]

First of all, I am naturally a witty, fun loving, happy person, that tries to see the bright side of everything but,

 

whenever I am in a room with this woman, she stares at me all the time. I feel like I cannot relax because her dark brown eyes follow my movements, she watches me, it makes me feel on edge, tense and it creeps me out. It is especially difficult when you are trying to relax and eat something or you want to cuddle up to your boyfriend, her son and you just feel her judging eyes on you, watching you, so I have this paralysed feeling that staying still is the safest. Where as naturally I just move how I want, I don't think about it. What is this?

 

 

Her friends son had a baby, she showed me photos on her phone, I thought he looked beautiful, all she said was " look how f*cking ugly, he looks like a bug etc... ", she was disgusted by the sight of this new born son.

 

My boyfriend then said what about me to his mom, looking for approval, she goes" oh everyone loved you as a baby, you were the most beautiful etc".

 

It felt so strange.

 

She is passive aggressive, she said she thinks people from my culture are rude, compared to her culture, because when they go to someone's house they bring a gift or food. She thinks it is shocking people here don't, referring to me in other words.

 

I have a better level of english than them so when they hear a word they don't understand, they will ask me as if I am some dictionary, stare at me until I say I don't know, then look at me like I am [stupid].

 

She comes into her sons room, gives me an evil look, says "your both smoking", disapproving. I was very thirsty but to get to the kitchen, I have to pass her room with the door wide open, I felt nervous, cause she gives off this negative tense energy, boyfriend shouts "why don't you go yourself, why do you need me", basically showing her I am scared of her presence.

 

I say my family don't really sit down and eat dinner together often, she gives me a lecture on how important it is,I feel like she judges me as if I am [messed] up.

 

I go there to spend time with my boyfriend, not her, yet she is always influencing the dynamics? and my behavior?

Edited April 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~6

[smackie9]

Her house so she feels she can do whatever she wants, even intimidate you.

 

Just stop going over there simple as that....go outside and find free things to do like go for a walk at the park, hang out with friends, etc.

[Saracena]

How old are you both?

 

Agree with the above. She sounds very controlling so I'd avoid being around her. Just out of interest which cultures are you referring to?

[d0nnivain]

You brought this on yourself.

 

 

You know she expects you to show up with something -- cookies, a bottle of soda, some flowers etc. Yet you continue to show up empty handed. Start contributing & she will view you less like a freeloader.

 

 

Next do not cuddle her son in her home. Stay out of his room. Do not smoke in her house. In short be respectful. I don't even cuddle with my husband in his mother's house & we keep PDA to a minimum when she is in our home. Nobody needs to be witness to the physical side of your relationship.

 

 

If you want to cuddle with your BF do so elsewhere outside of her prying eyes.

[kendahke]

I'd stay out of her house.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't like it, then you need to find another guy.

 

but re-read d0nnivain's post--because you really are contributing to a lot of the animosity you're experiencing.

Edited April 18, 2016 by kendahke

[kendahke]

whenever I am in a room with this woman, she stares at me all the time. I feel like I cannot relax because her dark brown eyes follow my movements, she watches me, it makes me feel on edge, tense and it creeps me out. It is especially difficult when you are trying to relax and eat something or you want to cuddle up to your boyfriend, her son and you just feel her judging eyes on you, watching you, so I have this paralysed feeling that staying still is the safest. Where as naturally I just move how I want, I don't think about it. What is this?

You are in HER house, not your house, not your boyfriend's house. No, you can't move about like you own it. That's what this is.

 

Her friends son had a baby, she showed me photos on her phone, I thought he looked beautiful, all she said was " look how f*cking ugly, he looks like a bug etc... ", she was disgusted by the sight of this new born son.

 

My boyfriend then said what about me to his mom, looking for approval, she goes" oh everyone loved you as a baby, you were the most beautiful etc".

 

It felt so strange.

She is entitled to her opinion.

 

She is passive aggressive, she said she thinks people from my culture are rude, compared to her culture, because when they go to someone's house they bring a gift or food. She thinks it is shocking people here don't, referring to me in other words.

Bring something when you go over. Problem solved.

 

I have a better level of english than them so when they hear a word they don't understand, they will ask me as if I am some dictionary, stare at me until I say I don't know, then look at me like I am [stupid].

And you can also say "you know I don't know--let's see what google says" and look it up on your phone. I mean, there are ways to deflect silliness and there are ways to tumble into it and play the victim.

 

She comes into her sons room, gives me an evil look, says "your both smoking", disapproving.

Why are you smoking in her house without her permission?

 

I was very thirsty but to get to the kitchen, I have to pass her room with the door wide open, I felt nervous, cause she gives off this negative tense energy, boyfriend shouts "why don't you go yourself, why do you need me", basically showing her I am scared of her presence.

she may not like the idea of non-family moving about her house like they own it. And your boyfriend is a dolt for not getting up and getting you water as his guest in his mama's house. Why is he happy to toss you onto the fire of animosity his mother has towards you like that?

I say my family don't really sit down and eat dinner together often, she gives me a lecture on how important it is,I feel like she judges me as if I am [messed] up.

You aren't responsible for what your parents choose not to do, so stop owning that.

 

I go there to spend time with my boyfriend, not her, yet she is always influencing the dynamics? and my behavior?

You go to HIS MOTHER's house, which she pays mortgages and taxes on, not your boyfriend, so she can do whatever she likes in her home... you don't have to be there. And yes, when you're in her home, she can influence your behavior and the dynamics until you start paying bills up in there. That is just the fact of life.

 

Her house isn't your flop house and she doesn't owe you hospitality just because you're dating her son. As has been said earlier, if you showed a bit more respect in her house, she may have lightened up on you by now. You might want to try that little thing and see if she doesn't lighten up on you.

[smackie9]

You have a lot of complaints about your BF and his mom......not sure why you are even stay in this relationship.

[Lovehel]

His mother is Italian. I have nothing in common with his mother. She never goes outside, she never gets fresh air, or loosens up and has fun everything is so serious and negative. She just talks crap about people who are meant to be her best friends back in Italy.

 

I know she and her best friend who I stayed with for 2 weeks on holiday bitched about me because my boyfriend gave out to me saying how embarrassing it was when I got my period when I was younger and stained the sheets or bed, I cannot remember now, but it was a massive deal, and I was judged and bitched about behind my back for it. She never brought it up to my face.

 

She asks prying questions about every single family member of mine, family dynamics, she seems to want to gather information, it is not just how they are doing. She says to me oh your sister she is still in college? Wasnt she in college 6 years ago? How long does it last? How about your other sister, does she have a boyfriend? What does your mom cook? Etc...It is like she is trying to catch me out almost, she fires these questions. I dont allow her around my family because I dont trust her. I know she doesn't care and is asking just to be nosy and probably give information to her "friends".

 

My boyfriend just sits there stupid when this happens.

 

I don't invite him over to my house either because In don't want him feeding information back to her.

 

I have never had anyone ask me so many questions about my family, it seems crazy to me? Is she just a b*tchy person?

 

What is all of this??

[basil67]

I'm going to start the replies to this post with the same comment Smackie used when she did the final reply on your previous post.

 

You have a lot of issues with this guy and his mother. Why are you still with him? It doesn't sound like you're getting anything positive out of it.

[Emilia]

He grew up in an over-critical and abusive environment, he will never take your side.

 

You talk about his manners in another thread: he won't learn because some people that had been made feel bad about themselves as kids shut out any form if criticism, even constructive. My sister is the same, she has remained on the same level as a young girl and she is over 40 now.

 

Your boyfriend's mother is a nasty old bltch who hates everyone and your boyfriend is her whipping boy.

 

Enjoy.

[Lovehel]

I feel like I cannot relax because her dark eyes follow my movements, she watches me. I feel on edge and tense. It is especially difficult when I try to relax and want to cuddle up to my boyfriend, her judging eyes on are on me, so I have this paralyzed feeling that staying still is the safest. What is this?

 

The mom and her best friend who I stayed with for 2 weeks on holiday bitched about me because my boyfriend gave out to me saying how embarrassing it was when I got my period when I was younger years ago and stained the sheets or bed, it was a massive deal, I was judged and bitched about behind my back for it and treated as a stranger. She never brought it up to my face.

 

Her friends son had a baby, she showed me photos on her phone, I thought he looked beautiful, all she said was " look how f*cking ugly, he looks like a bug etc... ", she was disgusted by the sight of this new born son.

 

My boyfriend then said what about me to his mom, looking for approval, she goes" oh everyone loved you as a baby, you were the most beautiful etc".

 

It felt so strange.

 

She is passive aggressive, she said she thinks people from my culture are rude, compared to her culture, because when people from her culture go to someone's house they bring a gift or food. She thinks it is shocking people here don't, referring to me in other words.

 

I have a better level of english than them so when they hear a word they don't understand, they will ask me as if I am some dictionary, stare at me until I say I don't know, then look at me like I am stupid, there will an awkward silence.

 

 

I say my family don't really sit down and eat dinner together often, she gives me a lecture on how important it is,I feel like she judges me as if I am messed up.

 

She asks prying questions about every single family member of mine, she seems to want to gather information, it is not just how they are doing. She says to me your sister she is still in college? Wasn't she in college 6 years ago? How long does it last? How about your other sister, does she have a boyfriend? What does your mom cook? Etc...It is like she is trying to catch me out almost, she fires these questions. I don't allow her around my family because I don't trust her and she is rude. I know she doesn't care and is asking just to be nosy and probably give information to her "friends".

 

My boyfriend just sits there stupid when this happens.

 

I don't invite him over to my house either because I don't want him feeding information back to her.

 

I can't go to him about these problems, because this is his only family member, and he is so protective of her. I have tried to tell him assertively and softly, but he says stop trying to get in the way of him and his mom.

 

I find her incredibly domineering. What would you do?

 

Thank you, much appreciated

[Lovehel]

How old are you both?

 

Agree with the above. She sounds very controlling so I'd avoid being around her. Just out of interest which cultures are you referring to?

 

I should have said nationality, she is Italian, and thinks her culture is above and beyond everyone elses, it is arrogant.

[Lovehel]

You are in HER house, not your house, not your boyfriend's house. No, you can't move about like you own it. That's what this is.

 

She is entitled to her opinion.

 

Bring something when you go over. Problem solved.

 

And you can also say "you know I don't know--let's see what google says" and look it up on your phone. I mean, there are ways to deflect silliness and there are ways to tumble into it and play the victim.

 

Why are you smoking in her house without her permission?

 

she may not like the idea of non-family moving about her house like they own it. And your boyfriend is a dolt for not getting up and getting you water as his guest in his mama's house. Why is he happy to toss you onto the fire of animosity his mother has towards you like that?

You aren't responsible for what your parents choose not to do, so stop owning that.

 

You go to HIS MOTHER's house, which she pays mortgages and taxes on, not your boyfriend, so she can do whatever she likes in her home... you don't have to be there. And yes, when you're in her home, she can influence your behavior and the dynamics until you start paying bills up in there. That is just the fact of life.

 

Her house isn't your flop house and she doesn't owe you hospitality just because you're dating her son. As has been said earlier, if you showed a bit more respect in her house, she may have lightened up on you by now. You might want to try that little thing and see if she doesn't lighten up on you.

 

Thanks for your opinion, and the tips, it makes sense. My boyfriend just seems to be oblivious to how uncomfortable it is for me. It is his only family member and he excuses her for everything. I am very polite towards her though.

[d0nnivain]

I am very polite towards her though.

 

 

Actually you are not. You have never brought a hostess gift to her house when you come over. You insist on PDA with her son on her furniture in her house. She finds both of those behaviors insulting. So no, you are not polite & until you understand that her house means her rules & that if you don't like it, you should go somewhere other then her home if you don't care for her behavior.

[Zahara]

This is the same boyfriend that was with another woman about three weeks ago? The same guy that you beat up and vice versa? The one that's crude and ill-mannered? The guy you're embarrassed to introduce to your family? Also from your other thread -- you have anger issues and a drinking problem? Then you also cheated at some point? Now you have issues with his mother and can't get along with her?

 

See the drama? Maybe it's time to stop complaining and start moving on from a situation that isn't going to change or get any better.

[Emilia]

Thanks for your opinion, and the tips, it makes sense. My boyfriend just seems to be oblivious to how uncomfortable it is for me. It is his only family member and he excuses her for everything. I am very polite towards her though.

He isn't oblivious, he isn't capable of being any different, he is conditioned this way.

 

Your threads read like the Jeremy Kyle show (or Jerry Springer, same thing).

[Lovehel]

It is really like walking on eggshells around her. Anything could possibly send her into a fit.

 

I stayed over and we were making breakfast together, I left the toast in too long, it was a bit burnt. She scolds me and goes look you burned the toast staring at me and the toast, as if it was a disgrace. I felt so small had no idea what to do or say. I walked away.

 

She then brings it to the table and goes don't know if my son will even eat it or like it now, another horrible stare went with that.

 

There are many times she snaps at me for any little thing, the way I do this or that. I feel I can't move sideways. Once I looked at her and smiled to try and be nice. She shouts what?

 

She brushed against me once and I literally jumped, I am that wary of her.

 

When she was staring at me eating during lunch. My boyfriend says, " are you okay?", as she was being rude. She starts screaming in italian, then stormed off to her room, slamming the door, leaving all the food on the table.

 

She didn't speak to anyone for days afterwards, just ignoring everyone. Why does she do this?

 

Her moods are either screaming in Italian, being rude, snapping and putting down everyone, or ignoring everyone, she is rarely nice, and when she is I don't trust it.

 

I would like to confront her, but I have seen her errupt and go mental. I do not want to be in the middle of that crossfire, so I tend to be passive with her, which isn't working.

 

I don't trust her at all, or her intentions. I think she is a bully.

 

What would you do???

[Gloria25]

What would I do?

 

I wouldn't of had a child with a momma's boy.

 

People don't change. She won't change. He won't defend you. You have to protect your son from the both of them.

 

I would recommend cutting down/stopping the time spent with her. Do you have a mother, grandmother, aunt and they're good people? Then, spend more time with them instead of her.

 

Actually, I'd look into getting a family law attorney and see about getting sole custody and now allowing your bf and/or his mother any legal right to access to your son. Cuz trust me, either she'll turn your child against you and/or extend her abuse to your child...She may even want to turn your child into another momma's boy...cuz that's how controlling, bullying, witches like her operate. She hates men and mission in life is to beat them down into submission.

[bubbaganoosh]

I got the feeling that if it wasn't you, it would be some other girl. In other words to Mom, no girl is good enough for her son and I pity the fool that marries him be it you or some other girl.

 

If it was me I would start looking somewhere else for another guy because all I smell is a ton of trouble with the both of them.

[CarrieT]

I don't understand why you are still together.

 

This is almost a duplicate of this thread you started less than six weeks ago.

 

And just a week before that - in this thread - you were ragging on his manners.

 

But just a week before that thread there was this one where you claim he wants you to be perfect.

 

You call his mother names (at least to us) so it is probably obvious that you two are never going to get along. Maybe he can see that and is deliberately sabotaging the relationship because - in the long run - he can't have a future with someone who doesn't mesh with his family.

 

Regardless, you should end this relationship now and move on. Soon. Like tomorrow....

[basil67]

And again, I will ask why you're still with him.

[d0nnivain]

I did not read all of the threads Carrie T referenced but have you ever invited his mother out to lunch your treat so you two could talk & you can listen to her concerns? Perhaps she is just a crazy old bat & nobody will be good enough for her son but perhaps she has valid points.

 

 

If she is just a horror show, stop going to her house. Let your BF go by himself & just cut down the drama.

[preraph]

If your bf still lives with his mother, that is the problem. He's not man enough to tell her to shut it, and you shouldn't be over there staying any length of time if he's still living under her roof because clearly she doesn't want you there, and he isn't ready to leave the nest.

 

Now if this is a situation where you and the bf live on your own elsewhere but went there for a holiday overnight and she treated you that way, it's still up to him to tell her to shut it.

[Gloria25]

If your bf still lives with his mother, that is the problem. He's not man enough to tell her to shut it, and you shouldn't be over there staying any length of time if he's still living under her roof because clearly she doesn't want you there, and he isn't ready to leave the nest.

 

Now if this is a situation where you and the bf live on your own elsewhere but went there for a holiday overnight and she treated you that way, it's still up to him to tell her to shut it.

 

And, if you two had your own place, at least when visiting her and she acts the fool, you're free to leave her place and/or tell her not to visit your home until she shows respect.

 

Why do people consider themselves "adults", "parents", "husband/wife" when they are still dependent on their parents - especially if they are so messed up that they have to live with their parents?

 

You get respect by commanding and "earning" respect. Hard for a parent to treat someone like an adult with respect (regardless of age) if you're still dependent on them.

 

OH, and "independence" means "independence"...not like some teenagers who think that cuz they got a job at the mall and make chump change that they are somehow autonomous "adults" who don't have to listen to their parents anymore, while you have the parents still providing roof, food, clothes, etc. for them.

[Gaeta]

She hates you and makes your life miserable.

Your parents hate him.

He's rude, condescending and inconsiderate toward you.

 

That's the life you picked for yourself?

 

You cannot changer her, or your boyfriend, the only person you can change is you so I suggest you drop the mafioso who thinks he's Al Pacino in a scene of The God Father. Go get yourself a real man.