Should I tell my daughter about my abortion?

[NoRegrets0]

My husband and I have always been pro-choice. Our son and daughter both married into conservative families and have since adopted their beliefs which is fine. About twenty years ago, we got pregnant again. We didn't plan it, but we were both really excited. We didn't tell the kids for a few different reasons, they were both in high school and we figured we would wait to tell them.

 

We went in for an ultrasound and something was wrong. The baby was deformed, our doctor was shocked and told us to wait for a while and come back to make sure it wasn't just the machine or anything else. We went back, and it was obvious that something about our baby wasn't right and we were encouraged to let it go. The baby wouldn't survive the defects.

 

We chose to have an abortion. We didn't want to get attached to the baby if it wasn't going to make it, or take the spotlight from our son who was a senior at the time.

 

It was the worst thing in the world. Losing our baby was devastating, but we felt like it was the best thing to do given the prognosis. A close number of friends and family knew, but we never have told our kids what happened. Over the weekend my daughter asked me if I had an abortion, because our son told her he had heard me telling someone I had one. I know what she was talking about because I remember him standing next to our door after I had gotten off the phone with my best friend about when we went in for the appointment. I hurried and changed the subject, but she text me that I didn't answer her this morning.

 

I'm embarrassed by it. I don't regret what we did, but it's not something I want my children to judge us for. If I could do it over, maybe I wouldn't have done what I did. It just seemed like the best thing. We wouldn't have handled a public loss well. We didn't want it to overshadow the things the kids were accomplishing at the time. It was a joint descion, that we didn't take lightly.

 

I don't know if I should tell her or not.

[hotgurl]

I think you should just be honest with her.

 

She already suspects so you should not lie. Just have a face to face chat. Ask her to let you talk without interruption.

 

Is she so hard core in her beliefs that you feel like she would judge you?

 

I don't think you did anything wrong, and you don't need to feel embarrassed.

[whichwayisup]

We went in for an ultrasound and something was wrong. The baby was deformed, our doctor was shocked and told us to wait for a while and come back to make sure it wasn't just the machine or anything else. We went back, and it was obvious that something about our baby wasn't right and we were encouraged to let it go. The baby wouldn't survive the defects.

We chose to have an abortion. We didn't want to get attached to the baby if it wasn't going to make it,

 

Tell your daughter and son the above. It's honest and real.

 

or take the spotlight from our son who was a senior at the time.

Don't mention this to them. Your son won't want to be a reason as to why you made the choice you made. He will feel to blame, that if he wasn't born maybe the outcome would be different.

 

This isn't something to talk about through texts obviously so wait till your whole family is together and talk about it with them.

[NoRegrets0]

Honestly, I think my son would be more harsh. I remember about a year ago the subject came up with my son, daughter, and her in laws and he said women who had abortions were immoral.

 

Now, knowing he somehow found out about mine I wonder if that comment was directed at me. Which opens up even more concerns about how he might view my relationship with my husband.

 

We don't know for sure what caused our baby's defect. We had the option of testing but we were older and weren't planning on having more so we didn't. Part of me wishes we had though, we had the means, but I just wanted to let it go.

Edited April 2, 2016 by NoRegrets0

[ZHguy]

Honestly, I think my son would be more harsh. I remember about a year ago the subject came up with my son, daughter, and her in laws and he said women who had abortions were immoral.

 

Now, knowing he somehow found out about mine I wonder if that comment was directed at me. Which opens up even more concerns about how he might view my relationship with my husband.

 

.

 

Judging another woman regarding a decision she took which concerned her and anything past her vagina is completely immoral and idiotic. I think it's best if you explained to your son that a woman has a right to terminate a child inside her if she doesn't want a child. What's more immoral in Biblical terms, terminating an unborn organism or having pre-marital sex, which I'm sure your son has engaged in. Ted Cruz definitely has!

 

To be honest, I didn't think that your son knew about your abortion at the time. Although, if that comment was directed at you, then you need to put your foot down as a mother and remind him that acting politically against your mother is outrageous, and that you won't tolerate any of this. Perhaps this could be a chance for you to try and convince your children to not be mired in their spouses' ideology, and to be more pro-choice. Just think about this, do you want your grandchildren to be part of that same judgemental socially conservative part of society.

 

I'm sorry if I made this post too political.

And regarding your abortion, I think you're a very brave woman to have done that.

[basil67]

While it would be nice to be able to share things which have happened in your life, if you think your kids will judge you, I'd suggest you don't tell them.

 

I think that openness and honesty from another person is earned by showing that you won't judge. That you will love and accept them no matter what their feelings and experiences are. If your kids will judge you, then they haven't earned the openness and honesty which they seek.

 

Don't feel bad if you decide to hold back. And please don't be embarrassed about your decision. It was obviously a heartbreaking decision for you to make and not one taken lightly.

[NoRegrets0]

We called our kids over to talk. We asked for it to just be them, no spouses and no grandbabies. We told them yes, we had terminated a pregnancy. I tried to explain that the baby wasn't going to make it, and our son just started screaming. He couldn't believe I would "kill my own baby" and how would I feel if his wife did that to him?

 

My husband said he knew, he was there. My son then said that was even worse. I couldn't take it, and walked away. My husband made them leave, and I sent them both a copy of the sonogram they sent us home with. It's something we've never shown anyone else. My daughter apologized and sent flowers the next day. The day after that my son sent a bunch of stuff, but I haven't talked to them.

 

It just hurts so much again. We were so excited for a new baby. We had picked out names and everything. I feel like I've lost it all over again.

[Methodical]

Sorry for your loss and pain. Your son was out of line and probably holds the same opinion now since he is sending things. We're all individuals with various opinions and sometimes we have to make hard choices. Everyone is not going to agree with your choice to abort a NON-viable pregnancy (based on what your doctor told you). That doesn't make them right or better than you. Many ppl will never face that situation and until they do, that can say what they think they'd do, but often what ppl think and what they do are opposite once the ball is in their court.

 

Bottomline - you and your husband made a decision that was best for you at the time based on information from a medical professional.

 

(Just a random thought...wonder what your son's opinion would be had the dr. said that the carrying the baby to term would likely cause you life threatening complications?)

 

Second guessing your decision is pointless bc there's nothing you can do to change the past. Your daughter questioned you, likely bc she'd already heard rumors, and you & hubs owned and shared a very private matter with them, thinking they were mature adult with rational judgment. They don't have to agree with your decision but it's not too much to expect them to treat you with the respect you deserve.

[xxoo]

If any more comes of it, firmly state that they asked and you answered honestly out of courtesy and respect for the adults they are, but you have not asked and are not asking for their approval of how you handled the tragic loss of a wanted baby. Expect respect, as it was given to them, and tolerate nothing less.

[Tayla]

If any more comes of it, firmly state that they asked and you answered honestly out of courtesy and respect for the adults they are, but you have not asked and are not asking for their approval of how you handled the tragic loss of a wanted baby. Expect respect, as it was given to them, and tolerate nothing less.

 

^^^This is wise and solid advice^^

 

Just as they make their own adult decisions, so too have you.

 

They genuinely need to re-evaluate their convictions.

[NoRegrets0]

It's hard because this isn't the way I raised them. He showed up today and apologized for what he said. I couldn't accept the apology yet. I know that it's childish, but it hurt my heart. I didn't want to lose my baby, and to be accused of something like that was so hard.

 

I love my son, but I just need some time. He sent beautiful flowers, so did our daughter and my husband brought me some too. So I know I'm probably being a little petty.

[basil67]

No, you're not being petty. Hopefully your son will understand that hateful words cannot be unsaid. Nor can they be erased with apologies. You will likely move past this with time, but it's unfair to expect you to get over the verbal attack immediately.

 

Take your time and use it to lick your wounds.

[NoRegrets0]

My son and I haven't really made up. We have seen each other, but I just can't let it go yet. My husband and I have been bringing it up more than we were because it just opened the wound.

 

We are considering getting a puppy to try and get new life in our lives and someone to take care of because we can't have babies anymore.

[JS84]

Take your time. You didn't do anything wrong and you're under no obligation to forgive your son on anyone's time table except your own. His behavior sounds disgusting whatever his beliefs.

[Emilia]

You aren't being petty, the way you are feeling is completely normal. Your son sounds a bit of an idiot, to be honest. I really can't stand men like him.

[Leigh 87]

Ok.

 

You're son can raise a deformed child and then tell you how joyful it is to have to be a full time carer and to live on the one income.

 

I can't stand men like your son.

 

Religious? Wtf has rhe bible got to do with HAVING to bring deformed children into the world?

 

Maybe if he faced the prospect of having to go through the excruciating pain of labour, with a LOW probability that the child was alive.... THEN ... he has leg to stand on!

 

People like your son outa be ashamed of themselves. H3 hasn't even raised a disabled child yet he feels he has the grounds to make unfounded arguments! Who is HE to claim that life would necessarily be BETTER if a severely disabled child was brought into this world? Who is HE to extol the virtues of having to raise a severely disabled child versus aborting it and living a much better life?????

 

 

Good gosh. If I have kids I am going to tell them how crappy religion is. Just a bunch of self righteous idiots who think that All families are better off having to follow their hollow religious dogma!

[Leigh 87]

I want to tell you what the daily lifestyle is like of families that have severely disabled children.

 

I learnt first hand. Cerebal pausy it was. Severe. They couldn't walk or talk and soiled their pants several times a day right up until they were middle aged: their elderly parents had to wipe their ass until the day they died almost.

 

The parents of disabled child that I've knon all declared bankruptcy. They couldn't afford to live on one income for life. Yet were forced to designate at least on parent as the carer. They were all fast to admit that their lives consisted of: changing their adult child's diapers 3 to 4 times a day. Worrying about whether or not they were able to eat that day. Living on one median income and feeding a family was soul destroying. Their lives literally consisted of diaper changing, eating and sleeping. They had no money to leave the house. Or use their car.

 

Even the partner that made 6 figures was dirt poor due to providing for 4 kids and 2 adults on the one income. Their daughter couldn't afford even the cheapest school excursions if I can recall correctly. She wore tattered navy bag clothes that smelt. She couldn't afford the cheapest public school uniforms due to having a severely disabled child. She couldn't pursue her dream of going to college I later found out, because she wasn't able to pass her engineering exams with her 50 hour a week job flipping burgers since her parents couldn't afford to feed her even if she went hungry.

 

Having a severely disabled child ruins your life and the lives of your kids. Adult kids often need help. The vast majority of college students cannot pass the most difficult degrees if they are working full time and therefore need parental assistance to some degree.

 

Why doesn't your son walk in someone elses shoes? My family ended up loosing touch with the families who had disabled children. They were always in desperate poverty and extremely depressed and hating their miserable lives. We constantly took them out for dinnee and paid for their entire family for years. Happily. Until my own father fell ill and couldn't work. Once we couldn't afford the twice a week treats we gave them they had to move to a homeless shelter. Their abled bodied kids were removed due to malnutrition reporter by actually, one kf my friends mothers at mt school.

 

They were educated professionals. I wouldn't have wished their lifestyle on my worst enemy.

 

Fair enough if you had the means. But still, even if you think you should have managed, let me tell you that even when the hubby was on 6 figures, the families still lived in abject poverty since 100k doesn't go far when you are feeding a few kids and two adults.

 

Please don't feel guilty for opting to lead a more fulfilling life than you KNOW deep down, would have been a miserable existence..........

 

My mum volunteered with a respite house. That's how we met all those lovely families with disabled children.

Edited May 16, 2016 by Leigh 87

[ASG]

Adding my voice here to give you support. Your son was out of line and you are NOT out of line for not being able to accept his apology just yet.

 

I would never, knowingly, bring a disabled child into the world. And I have that hanging over my head at all times. I am a carrier for a genetic disease, which these days is perfectly livable with, with a life expectancy of late adulthood (my dad is nearly 70 and has the disease), but with a life completely regulated by it and a potential for severe complications. Whenever I get pregnant, I will have all the tests to make sure my child is healthy and if not, I will terminate.

 

Don't get me wrong... like you, I will be devastated. But it is NOT a blessing. It is HARD work. It's bad enough when it's a mental disability that you can't test for, like autism. No need to bring into the world the ones you DO know have a disability.

[Toodaloo]

OP I really do think you have been overly generous and kind to your children and that your son has behaved like a spoilt brat.

 

Of course you will hurt! You had to make a terrible decision which was clearly for the best of all involved - none the less it doesn't make it any easier!

 

Next time you see your son tell him to grow up and wind his neck in. The world isn't black and white and sometimes we have to make decisions where there is no right or wrong answer. Tell him you hope he never has to make such a decision and wish him luck. Then take a break from the sanctimonious so and so.

 

He may be your son and you may love him but you DO NOT deserve to be spoken to like that even if he tried to placate you with flowers...

[No_Go]

Wow, your son behaves so immaturely.

 

Yours was a MEDICAL abortion, it was NOT by choice. This happens spontaneously ALL the time - defective fetuses are expelled by the mothers body, sometimes so early that the mother doesn't even know. Even the most bigoted people make exception for MEDICAL abortion - in which the life of the mother is at risk, or the fetus' deformities are incompatible with life.

 

I think you should tell your daughter though - especially if she's planning to have kids. Prenatal screening is a MUST for anyone who wants to have kids, your example may serve good to her. I think it is exceptionally selfish to NOT perform a recommended abortion for medical reasons... People should be better educated in that respect.

[noelle303]

I am so sorry that such a painful decision was made even worse by the horrible reaction of your son.

 

I do not blame you one bit for being upset at him. To be perfectly honest, I would be extremely disappointed in my child if they shamed amy woman like that for her personal choice, especially one that was already traumatizing for her.

 

I would have a talk with him and explain that no matter what his beliefs are, he should make an effort to respect people and the various difficult situations they find themselves in. Not everything in life is black and white and and if you guys can accept and respect his own choices and values, he should extend the same courtesy back. You are an adult woman and you don't need his approval for your own decisions.

[bathtub-row]

I can't imagine my son reacting this way toward me on this subject. I've never had an abortion but I would've made the same decision in your case. As others have stated, your son was very much out of line.

 

I once worked with someone who went through something similar. I didn't know her that well. She was a friend in passing, so to speak. One day she was very pregnant and the next time I saw her, she wasn't. So I happily said, "Oh! You had your baby!" She proceeded to tell me that she did not. That her baby was going to be born with defects and she and her husband opted to abort. I told her I was sorry and how hard that must've been. She told me that she was grateful for my reaction because a lot of people judged her for it. I was really surprised to learn that people just don't know when to be understanding and try to put themselves in others' positions.

 

I feel for you and your husband and I can totally see how this has resurrected old wounds. What you guys need is support from your kids, not this anger and judgment. I for one am glad you didn't jump too quick to your son's apology. He needs to know how hurtful it was.

[pteromom]

A close number of friends and family knew, but we never have told our kids what happened.

 

When you choose to tell anyone, you choose to tell everyone. This secret is out - so yes, you need to come clean to your children so they are getting the truth from you rather than from a 3rd party.

 

But this isn't just "an abortion". Your baby would not have likely lived, so it's not like you just decided you didn't want the baby. It was a painful choice - and one that I am sure brought you many tears.

 

So yes, tell them the truth. The WHOLE truth including the part about the pain and embarrassment and how you so wished it would have turned out differently.

 

You can ask HER what she thinks about sharing this info with her hubby's family, since they are very conservative. Bring her INTO your pain rather than leaving her on the outside to judge you for it.

[pteromom]

It's hard because this isn't the way I raised them. He showed up today and apologized for what he said. I couldn't accept the apology yet. I know that it's childish, but it hurt my heart. I didn't want to lose my baby, and to be accused of something like that was so hard.

 

I love my son, but I just need some time. He sent beautiful flowers, so did our daughter and my husband brought me some too. So I know I'm probably being a little petty.

 

Aw I didn't read on to see that you told them.

 

You have to realize that his initial reaction was his BELIEFS vs. your confession. He didn't take YOU, his mother, into the equation.

 

Once he reconciled his beliefs about abortion with what he knows about you, his mother, then he was able to think about your choice on a human level vs. an ideological one.

 

If you aren't ready to accept an apology, let him know that. Send him a message that just says "I got your flowers. Thank you. I just need a little time. Talk to you soon."

 

That way they will leave you alone until you are ready.

 

This is your family - don't be petty.

 

Hugs to you.

[xxoo]

 

We are considering getting a puppy to try and get new life in our lives and someone to take care of because we can't have babies anymore.

 

Get the puppy.

 

You don't have to make peace with your son right now. Give yourself time. Remember that you have nothing to apologize for or defend. Hold your head up.