Dad already dating 4 mo. after mom died

[bananzabob]

So, the situation is a little complicated...

My mom suffered from depression for many years, and it sunk into severe depression this last year, and in October, she took her life by jumping off the roof.

I was living abroad at the time and came home in order to help out at home.

It's now been four months, and while I've been doing well with handling everything, what I'm not able to handle is my dad.

I acknowledge that he's been grieving in his own way, and because of this have been very patient with him, but he's pushed me to my breaking point.

The past four months I have had to deal with him being very short tempered with me, obviously taking his stress out on me while restraining it for everyone else. This involves him cursing me out, yelling at me, and suddenly sweeping everything off tables. Not a single time have I raised my voice at him.

He has been very poor at communication, asking me last minute to ask help with tasks when I have my own job/life to manage. Since I came home with the goal of helping the family, I put my life on hold and do what I can, but I can only do so much when he gives me such little warning.

But that would all be tolerable, if this latest thing hasn't happened.

So my dad started dating about a month after my mom took her life. He never told me. I had to find out over Facebook.

Last week, I came home from work and there was a woman with him in the house. He introduced her as his "good friend"

Well, two nights ago, I woke up to them having very loud sex.

So not only did he bring her home to our FAMILY house, where I have two teenage brothers AND my grandma who live with us, so all of us had to hear, but he never even told us he had a girlfriend.

Because they were so loud, i couldn't sleep, and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. The next morning he asked me why I was on the couch and I simply replied, "Your walls are very thin."

He instantly got defensive, and complained about just wanting to "have a life" and "have some privacy" and then tried to accuse me of sneaking around with a guy (which I haven't) in order to justify him sneaking around with this woman.

Luckily, I had planned on moving out yesterday, so I didn't have to deal with it, but I had to come back home today for work, and she is here at the house again.

 

He obviously doesn't understand how much it hurts to see him with another woman, nor apparently the common courtesy of having loud sex in the family home.

I would appreciate some insight into this situation/how I should approach it.

Thanks.

[TaraMaiden2]

First of all, I am very sorry you're having to deal with a multiple of highly-charged emotional situations.

From the very first instant of having a depressed mother, to her taking her own life, your father's unreasonable mood and temperament, and now, a new woman in his life.

 

In a very brief and succinct way, i would offer this advice, in a nutshell.

 

One: seek bereavement counselling for yourself. Spill it all out to a professional.

 

Two: Sit down, and write down everything that affects you - then dissect the issues into what is strictly speaking, your business (that which you have a bearing/influence on) and that which isn't.

 

The way your father treats you - is definitely "your business".

 

How he runs his private life and what he chooses to do, or who he chooses to see - is sadly, not.

 

is your Grandmother maternal or paternal?

 

I know it must hurt you - is it also affecting your siblings?

What do they think?

 

Tragic as it may sound, this aspect of his behaviour isn't yours to comment on.

Of course, you have a right to your opinion, but you can't influence change.

 

Try to find a counsellor, through your doctor.

 

I think it would help you....

 

All the best. XX

[d0nnivain]

Maybe it's a rebound. Maybe your parents marriage was over in all but name way before your mom died. I am sorry for your loss, btw.

 

 

I think you handled it tactfully by pointing out that the walls are thin.

 

 

Unless you sense the teenagers are in physical danger or are being neglected, I think you can return to your regularly scheduled life.

[mikeylo]

Sorry for your loss but have to say that your father is acting inappropriate, considering there are 3 children and a mother living in the same house. I beg to differ but it is your business as to what he is doing in the same house and in the same bed where your mother was , just a while ago.

Is it possible that this woman was the cause of your moms depression and the reason of her suicide ? I don't want to plant a seed of doubt but it seems like that.

While you can't ask him to stop doing what he is doing but you can go get some counseling for yourself and if possible , your brothers as well. Can you get some help from some close family who can talk to him as to how its inappropriate in front of kids ?

[losangelena]

My dad died 10 years ago, and yes parents act screwy in the aftermath.

 

I hate to say this, but I don't think he's gonna change his behavior, even if he knows you're bothered by it. He simply doesn't have the bandwidth to care.

 

Two things will happen. He'll get this out of his system, circle back around and feel remorse, or, you are getting a glimpse of side of your dad that you didn't known was there. Either way, as hard as it is, you can't allow yourself to take what he's doing personally. Because it's not about you. He is shrouded in grief, and grief can make us do some awful things.

 

Give him some time and space. And get mad at him if you want, you're not beholden to be the strong, responsible one, you're grieving too. My guess he'll come back around soon.

[RRM321]

I don't have any better advice than what's been offered, just a comment on what it might be like to walk in your dad's shoes.

 

You're father has been suffering in a strange kind of solitude for a very long time. His wife has recently died, while his own autonomy and his marriage effectively died many years ago when your mom's condition superseded all other concerns. He's been lost and without a personal identity for a long time.

 

It sounds like his home and the only refuge he knows is still a place dominated by your absent mother. That can't be easy. Your help while a necessary blessing can also be part of a continuing curse - hence, the unstable reversals on his part.

 

Just my $0.02

[stillafool]

First, I'm so sorry about what your mom went through and how she ended her life. When my mom died my dad was 70 and 1 month later he was dating several women. I was glad because I didn't want him to be lonely and his vows to my mom were "until death do us part". He has since married again to a lovely lady 15 years younger than him with no children and she is a wonderful asset to his life as well as our family. Your mom is gone and your father still has his life to live. Let him.

[ShatteredLady]

Is your grandmother maternal or paternal? Can you speak with her? If she's maternal she could be in an awkward situation too.

 

 

My brother took his own life. I wish I could give you a huge hug. There aren't words

His W immediately moved on with her affair partner, even bringing him to my brothers inquest! It caused the family so much more pain & distress.

 

I know when my MIL died my FIL's behavior broke my heart. She lived a hard life. She was a truly lovely woman who lived for her family. He cleared out all of her things before we arrived for the funeral!

 

Standing listening to him brag about the amazing sex he was having with his new gf made me feel physically sick. My SIL's suffered a lot of depression. My H reacted differently, saying he was grieving. I hated it. No respect! No consideration or empathy for others.

 

Above all he should be being you & your siblings Dad at this time. I'm so sorry.

Has your relationship with him been strained in the past?

Do you feel like you could talk to this woman?

 

Huge hugs.

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't think he just started dating her.

 

I think he was seeing her long before your mother's death.

 

Sorry.

[burnt]

Hi Bananza,

Just reading the title of your post,

my first thought was

"try to be understanding of his needs; don't be judgmental; don't set your expectations on how someone else deals with or copes with grief."

 

After reading the entire post,

I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through.

It's a tremendous load you are carrying on your shoulder.

It's a lot--I ditto what TaraMaiden has said above.

 

To have a mother and watch her suffer from depression for years, which must have affected you tremendously over the years, then to lose her, but lose her through suicide, then to watch what your father is doing, and then to be the oldest sibling in this entire family--I cannot begin to imagine your pain.

 

You are very strong person to be able to handle it as much as you have. The way you have conducted yourself is truly commendable.

 

I second Tara's advice: you should speak with a therapist, for the psychological and emotional support.

 

I wish you the best. I'm sorry for what you're going through.