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Mother being fake nice...what gives?


BettyDraper

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BettyDraper

Lately, my mother has become overly sweet and caring when we chat on the phone. She tells me how much she loves me, uses terms of endearment and she's very loving. She also says that she is proud of me. If we didn't have such a tough relationship for many years, I wouldn't think twice about my mom's current attitude. However, I feel like my mother is being fake and the syrupy sweetness is strange.

 

I grew up with my mother being very callous and awful to me. She also viciously assaulted me more than once for small things like forgetting to fold clothes. I used to hide the bruises and cuts so that my teachers wouldn't call the authorities. I also cried quietly at night and in school bathroom stalls. I'm sharing this to provide background and not to get people to feel sorry for me.

 

When my mother is kind to me, I respond in kind out of respect. I have no desire to be cruel to my mom because I see such vulnerability now that she is retirement age. I think it's better to take the high road and I still have some good memories despite the abuse I suffered. Loved ones have told me that my mother is likely seeing the error of her ways and now she wants to make amends.

 

What do you think?

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BettyDraper

Bump! Anyone? Not even one response? Someone must have some insight.

 

I would ask my mother why she's being so kind but that would result in histrionics from her.

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Either you are correct, or maybe she's dying? Not to be dramatic, but...mortality makes us rethink all of our relationships and past mistakes.

 

Or she wants something from you?

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BettyDraper
Either you are correct, or maybe she's dying? Not to be dramatic, but...mortality makes us rethink all of our relationships and past mistakes.

 

Or she wants something from you?

 

I believe that my mother would tell everyone she was dying because she loves attention.

 

She has been spending time with an aunt who is much older and very ill. That could be making my mother think of her mortality.

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if she is toxic, you have the right and obligation to protect yourself from her. Yes, we are all mortals. Yes, she will die and it'll most likely be in bitter loneliness. Should have thought about it when she was abusing you.

 

In all honesty, it's ok to make amends. Do forgive her, if you find it in your heart to, but under no circumstances, do not let her near you or in your life. She is toxic. Small doses over long periods of times.

 

Stay strong and think of yourself first, because she sure isn't.

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BettyDraper
if she is toxic, you have the right and obligation to protect yourself from her. Yes, we are all mortals. Yes, she will die and it'll most likely be in bitter loneliness. Should have thought about it when she was abusing you.

 

In all honesty, it's ok to make amends. Do forgive her, if you find it in your heart to, but under no circumstances, do not let her near you or in your life. She is toxic. Small doses over long periods of times.

 

Stay strong and think of yourself first, because she sure isn't.

 

I agree that I need to protect myself.

 

I just think her current sweetness is creepy and weird given how she was to me for most of my life.

 

I still see my mother a few times a year but only with others present.

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MissCongeniality

Yikes okay she's probably wanting something. I'm usually fake like that for that reason but violence is not my thing i cannot even understand hurting kids. Be on your guard.

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BettyDraper
Yikes okay she's probably wanting something. I'm usually fake like that for that reason but violence is not my thing i cannot even understand hurting kids. Be on your guard.

 

I think what she wants is a closer relationship so that she can have more access into my life. She wants to know everything so that she can critique what I do and force her views on me.

 

Recently, she said that my father wanted both of them to come stay at my house. Then my mother told me that she didn't want to impose. I didn't walk into that trap and changed the subject. We don't want my mother staying in our house. A few hours here and there is enough.

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Mothers and daughters are more alike then different.

 

Learned that and lived to understand how true that was.

 

You both innately love one another yet have built these wonderful walls to deny the other acess to your true selves. In time you'll both stop bringing the past into present day... until then... grow as the loving wife and friend to others.

 

She has an apology to make to you. Lets hope it happens , You've been a great daughter to her.

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BettyDraper
Mothers and daughters are more alike then different.

 

Learned that and lived to understand how true that was.

 

You both innately love one another yet have built these wonderful walls to deny the other acess to your true selves. In time you'll both stop bringing the past into present day... until then... grow as the loving wife and friend to others.

 

She has an apology to make to you. Lets hope it happens , You've been a great daughter to her.

 

I was waiting for your opinion because you're a wise person. ;)

 

I am like my mother in good ways. We both keep immaculate homes.

We are both not easily influenced and we're both great entertainers. My mother and I both take care of our loved ones well...sometimes we are too nice to others and they take advantage.

 

My walls are there only because I don't want to get hurt anymore. When I was a child and up until I left home on bad terms, I was constantly getting hurt in different ways. I think age has a mellowing effect on people; my mom rarely shouts anymore and she holds her tongue more often.

 

I like to think that her new way of relating to me and saying "I love you" is her way of saying she's sorry.

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Awww shucks! Thanks for the compliment,

 

indeed you share your mothers' trait.

 

Bless your heart.

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whichwayisup
Lately, my mother has become overly sweet and caring when we chat on the phone. She tells me how much she loves me, uses terms of endearment and she's very loving. She also says that she is proud of me. If we didn't have such a tough relationship for many years, I wouldn't think twice about my mom's current attitude. However, I feel like my mother is being fake and the syrupy sweetness is strange.

 

I grew up with my mother being very callous and awful to me. She also viciously assaulted me more than once for small things like forgetting to fold clothes. I used to hide the bruises and cuts so that my teachers wouldn't call the authorities. I also cried quietly at night and in school bathroom stalls. I'm sharing this to provide background and not to get people to feel sorry for me.

 

When my mother is kind to me, I respond in kind out of respect. I have no desire to be cruel to my mom because I see such vulnerability now that she is retirement age. I think it's better to take the high road and I still have some good memories despite the abuse I suffered. Loved ones have told me that my mother is likely seeing the error of her ways and now she wants to make amends.

 

What do you think?

 

She obviously has softened over the years and probably minimized what she's done to you throughout your childhood. You're handling it well - Keep being kind to her. If she wants to truly make amends then she should be able to talk to you about the past and apologize for her abusive behavior. Are you willing to 'go there' with her and talk about it all?

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BettyDraper
She obviously has softened over the years and probably minimized what she's done to you throughout your childhood. You're handling it well - Keep being kind to her. If she wants to truly make amends then she should be able to talk to you about the past and apologize for her abusive behavior. Are you willing to 'go there' with her and talk about it all?

 

I wouldn't go there because my mom will just get defensive and angry. I know this from trying to discuss the past with her to no avail. She feels a lot of guilt because the abuse began to take a toll in my late teens.

 

My mom will probably never apologize but she does say that she was probably too strict. That is the closest I will ever get to an apology.

 

Sometimes I'm glad that my mother was so hard on me because I've seen the results of lax parenting. Parents who do not enforce rules and discipline end up with adult children who are entitled losers. I've seen parents buy their adult children houses and cars when they should be spending money on their retirement. I've seen adult children refuse to work and constantly beg their parents for money with no conscience.

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Either you are correct, or maybe she's dying? Not to be dramatic, but...mortality makes us rethink all of our relationships and past mistakes.

 

Or she wants something from you?

 

 

I vote for one of these...my mother use to be about the same only mine was more a verbal/mental abuse situation only when she was near the end of her life did she start to openly regret how she pushed me away by then it was kinda to late and I had pretty much mentally already severed the parent/child bond to the point I was sad when she passed but it wasn't as hard as it should have been maybe.

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BettyDraper
I vote for one of these...my mother use to be about the same only mine was more a verbal/mental abuse situation only when she was near the end of her life did she start to openly regret how she pushed me away by then it was kinda to late and I had pretty much mentally already severed the parent/child bond to the point I was sad when she passed but it wasn't as hard as it should have been maybe.

 

My mother subjected me to every type of abuse except sexual.

I don't feel close to her at all. She's like an elderly relative that I barely know whom I have to see in a nursing home.

Edited by BettyDraper
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All growth requires change.

 

if any of us wants to improve any part of our lives, we must change in some way from what we once were.

 

Maybe your mother realizes the way she treated you in the past had room for improvement. Maybe she has grown. Maybe it's springtime in your relationship.

Edited by MidKnightDreams
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BettyDraper
All growth requires change.

 

if any of us wants to improve any part of our lives, we must change in some way from what we once were.

 

Maybe your mother realizes the way she treated you in the past had room for improvement. Maybe she has grown. Maybe it's springtime in your relationship.

 

All of this is true. :)

 

I do believe that my mother has grown and maybe retirement has given her more time to think.

 

I just don't want to get my hopes up and then get stabbed in the back again because I let my mother too close to me.

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Mortality is creeping in. She's making peace. That's my opinion. Tough choice but IMO we don't owe our parents anything. Whatever is given is given voluntarily and with love. If there's no love there, OK, let it go. I dealt with the opposite, having a loving mother turn psycho before she died. It wasn't easy loving her or taking care of her but I gritted my teeth and did it. Would I recommend it to anyone else? Nope!

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bathtub-row

I think she's hinting around that they want to live with you at your house. Based on what you're saying about your relationship with her, this would likely be a volatile situation. She can't undo all the damage that has been done, nor bridge the distance between you, although I'm sure she wishes she could now.

 

Not sure what to suggest but if she and your dad need help, I would try to help out in another way, if that's possible.

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BettyDraper
I think she's hinting around that they want to live with you at your house. Based on what you're saying about your relationship with her, this would likely be a volatile situation. She can't undo all the damage that has been done, nor bridge the distance between you, although I'm sure she wishes she could now.

 

Not sure what to suggest but if she and your dad need help, I would try to help out in another way, if that's possible.

 

I don't believe in placing parents in nursing homes as I see how many patients are treated in such facilities.

 

Nevertheless, my mother has always said that she doesn't want to live with her children. My mom has also said that if she lived with me, she knows she would "have to be seen and not heard". Basically, she understands that I wouldn't allow her to take over my home and how I run it.

 

I've been told that my mother may not like me very much but she has a lot of respect for me because I don't take shiz from anyone.

I am one of the few people in my entire family who will stand up to my mother. Not even my father will put my mother in her place.

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BettyDraper

So my mother has been talking about staying with my husband and I when she and my dad are in the country. I don't want her in my house as I don't need the negative energy and intrusive behavior. I couldn't escape my mother's abuse and bullying when I was a child. As an adult, I don't need to subject myself to it anymore. When my mother asked how long she and my father could stay, I told her that they could stay for up to 2 weeks and she was very upset. To be honest, even 2 weeks is way too long as I do not go around my mother for more than a few hours at a time.

 

She was also bellyaching about the fact that my husband and I will be staying in a hotel when we visit them. "That's not nice." Well, it's not nice to stay with people who are miserable so we're not going to stay with my parents.

 

I will never understand how my Mom could be so cruel to me for many years and then turn around and expect us to be best friends just because she feels like being kind to me now. I need to protect myself.

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Madame_Noire

I could have written this Betty!

 

I think my mother has a narcassistic personality disorder.

 

My first thoughts about your mother is that she is after something or is dying.

 

My mother was like this, she once called my man because she could not get hold of me on the phone, and said to him "I need her help because I brought her into this world..." She was after my all my savings. Even though she would poke fun at the fact that I will never be able to afford to retire and my savings would not get me anywhere.

 

She seems to think that her kids are some sort of insurance or endowment policy that she can cash in on. I have given her a wide berth!

 

I panic when the woman who gave birth to me calls me, because she is usually wanting to have a go at me because one of her other kids have pissed her off and me being the oldest, it is somehow my fault. Or she will bring up mistakes I made in the past with ex boyfriends, just to make herself look whiter than white and more superior (she would bring up the past going back as far as 17 years ago! I have only had three serious relationships in my life).

 

It must be killing her knowing that I will not have anything to do with her. She called me on New Years because she drove my sister- the last one to leave home out of the house over the Christmas period. That woman was in floods of tears saying "You kids are my world, you make me who I am" She has NEVER said anything endearing like that to us in my 30+ years of life. So either she was high and or/drunk at the time or not well. Her being nice is very out of character for her. Oh well, such is life.

 

Just wanted to post to show that this must be a common thing for SOME mtohers, usually mothers of daughters. Maybe it is a rivalry thing.

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BettyDraper
I could have written this Betty!

 

I think my mother has a narcassistic personality disorder.

 

My first thoughts about your mother is that she is after something or is dying.

 

My mother was like this, she once called my man because she could not get hold of me on the phone, and said to him "I need her help because I brought her into this world..." She was after my all my savings. Even though she would poke fun at the fact that I will never be able to afford to retire and my savings would not get me anywhere.

 

She seems to think that her kids are some sort of insurance or endowment policy that she can cash in on. I have given her a wide berth!

 

I panic when the woman who gave birth to me calls me, because she is usually wanting to have a go at me because one of her other kids have pissed her off and me being the oldest, it is somehow my fault. Or she will bring up mistakes I made in the past with ex boyfriends, just to make herself look whiter than white and more superior (she would bring up the past going back as far as 17 years ago! I have only had three serious relationships in my life).

 

It must be killing her knowing that I will not have anything to do with her. She called me on New Years because she drove my sister- the last one to leave home out of the house over the Christmas period. That woman was in floods of tears saying "You kids are my world, you make me who I am" She has NEVER said anything endearing like that to us in my 30+ years of life. So either she was high and or/drunk at the time or not well. Her being nice is very out of character for her. Oh well, such is life.

 

Just wanted to post to show that this must be a common thing for SOME mtohers, usually mothers of daughters. Maybe it is a rivalry thing.

 

Yeah, mothers aren't always about love and support like most people think.

 

I don't think my mother is dying because if she was, she would have turned it into a spectacle to get attention from others. I don't know what she wants from me except a closer relationship. Since everything is always about my mother, I think she wants to be close partly so that she doesn't have to feel guilty about her parenting mistakes.

 

Like your mom, my mother thinks that her children are ATM machines. She likes to demand money and gifts. This woman asked me for money when we just bought our house! I snarled at her "WE JUST CLOSED OUR FIRST HOME!" :mad: She backpedalled and said she was joking. So greedy and rude! The worst part is my parents aren't hurting for money at all. They made over half a million from the sale of the house I grew up in. I wouldn't mind helping my parents financially but not when it's demanded.

 

I think you might be on to something when you speak of rivalry. My mom has always been jealous of me for many reasons. She was jealous of my very close friendship with my father. She is jealous of my marriage and used to try to impose her views on how we should relate to each other. She's jealous that I'm free because I don't have kids. The list goes on and on.

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Madame_Noire
Yeah, mothers aren't always about love and support like most people think.

 

I think you might be on to something when you speak of rivalry. My mom has always been jealous of me for many reasons. She was jealous of my very close friendship with my father. She is jealous of my marriage and used to try to impose her views on how we should relate to each other. She's jealous that I'm free because I don't have kids. The list goes on and on.

 

My mother used to say 'you will never have what me and your father have' as in, I will never be with a man for as long as she has been. My dad is not happy with her, he is just staying there because he has nowhere else to go. There are many people who are together because they do not have the guts to go it alone.

 

I agree what you said in an earlier post, you could not escape the abuse as a child. Now that I am an adult I could not get away quick enough. I do not wish my mother was alot more loving and I am not envious of other closer, stronger mother/daughter relationships. I am just glad I did not grow up to be a horrible, cold, unloving narcassist like her.

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