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Mother being fake nice...what gives?


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Old 5th March 2016, 11:29 AM   #16
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All growth requires change.

if any of us wants to improve any part of our lives, we must change in some way from what we once were.

Maybe your mother realizes the way she treated you in the past had room for improvement. Maybe she has grown. Maybe it's springtime in your relationship.

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Old 9th March 2016, 8:24 PM   #17
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All growth requires change.

if any of us wants to improve any part of our lives, we must change in some way from what we once were.

Maybe your mother realizes the way she treated you in the past had room for improvement. Maybe she has grown. Maybe it's springtime in your relationship.
All of this is true.

I do believe that my mother has grown and maybe retirement has given her more time to think.

I just don't want to get my hopes up and then get stabbed in the back again because I let my mother too close to me.
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Old 9th March 2016, 8:55 PM   #18
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Mortality is creeping in. She's making peace. That's my opinion. Tough choice but IMO we don't owe our parents anything. Whatever is given is given voluntarily and with love. If there's no love there, OK, let it go. I dealt with the opposite, having a loving mother turn psycho before she died. It wasn't easy loving her or taking care of her but I gritted my teeth and did it. Would I recommend it to anyone else? Nope!
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Old 9th March 2016, 9:51 PM   #19
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I think she's hinting around that they want to live with you at your house. Based on what you're saying about your relationship with her, this would likely be a volatile situation. She can't undo all the damage that has been done, nor bridge the distance between you, although I'm sure she wishes she could now.

Not sure what to suggest but if she and your dad need help, I would try to help out in another way, if that's possible.
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Old 9th March 2016, 9:58 PM   #20
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Maybe she's afraid you'll stick her in a home across country.
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Old 9th March 2016, 10:49 PM   #21
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I think she's hinting around that they want to live with you at your house. Based on what you're saying about your relationship with her, this would likely be a volatile situation. She can't undo all the damage that has been done, nor bridge the distance between you, although I'm sure she wishes she could now.

Not sure what to suggest but if she and your dad need help, I would try to help out in another way, if that's possible.
I don't believe in placing parents in nursing homes as I see how many patients are treated in such facilities.

Nevertheless, my mother has always said that she doesn't want to live with her children. My mom has also said that if she lived with me, she knows she would "have to be seen and not heard". Basically, she understands that I wouldn't allow her to take over my home and how I run it.

I've been told that my mother may not like me very much but she has a lot of respect for me because I don't take shiz from anyone.
I am one of the few people in my entire family who will stand up to my mother. Not even my father will put my mother in her place.
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Old 27th March 2016, 11:59 AM   #22
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So my mother has been talking about staying with my husband and I when she and my dad are in the country. I don't want her in my house as I don't need the negative energy and intrusive behavior. I couldn't escape my mother's abuse and bullying when I was a child. As an adult, I don't need to subject myself to it anymore. When my mother asked how long she and my father could stay, I told her that they could stay for up to 2 weeks and she was very upset. To be honest, even 2 weeks is way too long as I do not go around my mother for more than a few hours at a time.

She was also bellyaching about the fact that my husband and I will be staying in a hotel when we visit them. "That's not nice." Well, it's not nice to stay with people who are miserable so we're not going to stay with my parents.

I will never understand how my Mom could be so cruel to me for many years and then turn around and expect us to be best friends just because she feels like being kind to me now. I need to protect myself.
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Old 28th March 2016, 12:40 PM   #23
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I could have written this Betty!

I think my mother has a narcassistic personality disorder.

My first thoughts about your mother is that she is after something or is dying.

My mother was like this, she once called my man because she could not get hold of me on the phone, and said to him "I need her help because I brought her into this world..." She was after my all my savings. Even though she would poke fun at the fact that I will never be able to afford to retire and my savings would not get me anywhere.

She seems to think that her kids are some sort of insurance or endowment policy that she can cash in on. I have given her a wide berth!

I panic when the woman who gave birth to me calls me, because she is usually wanting to have a go at me because one of her other kids have pissed her off and me being the oldest, it is somehow my fault. Or she will bring up mistakes I made in the past with ex boyfriends, just to make herself look whiter than white and more superior (she would bring up the past going back as far as 17 years ago! I have only had three serious relationships in my life).

It must be killing her knowing that I will not have anything to do with her. She called me on New Years because she drove my sister- the last one to leave home out of the house over the Christmas period. That woman was in floods of tears saying "You kids are my world, you make me who I am" She has NEVER said anything endearing like that to us in my 30+ years of life. So either she was high and or/drunk at the time or not well. Her being nice is very out of character for her. Oh well, such is life.

Just wanted to post to show that this must be a common thing for SOME mtohers, usually mothers of daughters. Maybe it is a rivalry thing.
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Old 28th March 2016, 1:06 PM   #24
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I could have written this Betty!

I think my mother has a narcassistic personality disorder.

My first thoughts about your mother is that she is after something or is dying.

My mother was like this, she once called my man because she could not get hold of me on the phone, and said to him "I need her help because I brought her into this world..." She was after my all my savings. Even though she would poke fun at the fact that I will never be able to afford to retire and my savings would not get me anywhere.

She seems to think that her kids are some sort of insurance or endowment policy that she can cash in on. I have given her a wide berth!

I panic when the woman who gave birth to me calls me, because she is usually wanting to have a go at me because one of her other kids have pissed her off and me being the oldest, it is somehow my fault. Or she will bring up mistakes I made in the past with ex boyfriends, just to make herself look whiter than white and more superior (she would bring up the past going back as far as 17 years ago! I have only had three serious relationships in my life).

It must be killing her knowing that I will not have anything to do with her. She called me on New Years because she drove my sister- the last one to leave home out of the house over the Christmas period. That woman was in floods of tears saying "You kids are my world, you make me who I am" She has NEVER said anything endearing like that to us in my 30+ years of life. So either she was high and or/drunk at the time or not well. Her being nice is very out of character for her. Oh well, such is life.

Just wanted to post to show that this must be a common thing for SOME mtohers, usually mothers of daughters. Maybe it is a rivalry thing.
Yeah, mothers aren't always about love and support like most people think.

I don't think my mother is dying because if she was, she would have turned it into a spectacle to get attention from others. I don't know what she wants from me except a closer relationship. Since everything is always about my mother, I think she wants to be close partly so that she doesn't have to feel guilty about her parenting mistakes.

Like your mom, my mother thinks that her children are ATM machines. She likes to demand money and gifts. This woman asked me for money when we just bought our house! I snarled at her "WE JUST CLOSED OUR FIRST HOME!" She backpedalled and said she was joking. So greedy and rude! The worst part is my parents aren't hurting for money at all. They made over half a million from the sale of the house I grew up in. I wouldn't mind helping my parents financially but not when it's demanded.

I think you might be on to something when you speak of rivalry. My mom has always been jealous of me for many reasons. She was jealous of my very close friendship with my father. She is jealous of my marriage and used to try to impose her views on how we should relate to each other. She's jealous that I'm free because I don't have kids. The list goes on and on.
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Old 28th March 2016, 1:51 PM   #25
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Yeah, mothers aren't always about love and support like most people think.

I think you might be on to something when you speak of rivalry. My mom has always been jealous of me for many reasons. She was jealous of my very close friendship with my father. She is jealous of my marriage and used to try to impose her views on how we should relate to each other. She's jealous that I'm free because I don't have kids. The list goes on and on.
My mother used to say 'you will never have what me and your father have' as in, I will never be with a man for as long as she has been. My dad is not happy with her, he is just staying there because he has nowhere else to go. There are many people who are together because they do not have the guts to go it alone.

I agree what you said in an earlier post, you could not escape the abuse as a child. Now that I am an adult I could not get away quick enough. I do not wish my mother was alot more loving and I am not envious of other closer, stronger mother/daughter relationships. I am just glad I did not grow up to be a horrible, cold, unloving narcassist like her.
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Old 25th December 2016, 12:02 PM   #26
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Maybe she's afraid you'll stick her in a home across country.
I know this is an old thread but I wanted to make an update.

My mother and I were talking about my grandmother's deterioration since Grandmama was put into a nursing home. My mother admitted that she's so afraid of her children "putting her away" once she reaches a stage of being unable to care for herself.

I assured my mother that she could live with my husband and I if necessary. Though my mother was a cruel parent and she can be toxic, I know from experience and my profession that nursing homes are generally awful places. I couldn't do that to my parents unless there was no other option. My mother raised me and put up with my difficult periods.

It looks like you were right about my mom being afraid of abandonment by her children.
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