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Mother being fake nice...what gives?


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Old 2nd March 2016, 5:07 PM   #1
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Mother being fake nice...what gives?

Lately, my mother has become overly sweet and caring when we chat on the phone. She tells me how much she loves me, uses terms of endearment and she's very loving. She also says that she is proud of me. If we didn't have such a tough relationship for many years, I wouldn't think twice about my mom's current attitude. However, I feel like my mother is being fake and the syrupy sweetness is strange.

I grew up with my mother being very callous and awful to me. She also viciously assaulted me more than once for small things like forgetting to fold clothes. I used to hide the bruises and cuts so that my teachers wouldn't call the authorities. I also cried quietly at night and in school bathroom stalls. I'm sharing this to provide background and not to get people to feel sorry for me.

When my mother is kind to me, I respond in kind out of respect. I have no desire to be cruel to my mom because I see such vulnerability now that she is retirement age. I think it's better to take the high road and I still have some good memories despite the abuse I suffered. Loved ones have told me that my mother is likely seeing the error of her ways and now she wants to make amends.

What do you think?
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Old 3rd March 2016, 5:32 PM   #2
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Bump! Anyone? Not even one response? Someone must have some insight.

I would ask my mother why she's being so kind but that would result in histrionics from her.
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Old 3rd March 2016, 6:07 PM   #3
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Either you are correct, or maybe she's dying? Not to be dramatic, but...mortality makes us rethink all of our relationships and past mistakes.

Or she wants something from you?
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Old 3rd March 2016, 6:52 PM   #4
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Either you are correct, or maybe she's dying? Not to be dramatic, but...mortality makes us rethink all of our relationships and past mistakes.

Or she wants something from you?
I believe that my mother would tell everyone she was dying because she loves attention.

She has been spending time with an aunt who is much older and very ill. That could be making my mother think of her mortality.
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Old 3rd March 2016, 6:57 PM   #5
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if she is toxic, you have the right and obligation to protect yourself from her. Yes, we are all mortals. Yes, she will die and it'll most likely be in bitter loneliness. Should have thought about it when she was abusing you.

In all honesty, it's ok to make amends. Do forgive her, if you find it in your heart to, but under no circumstances, do not let her near you or in your life. She is toxic. Small doses over long periods of times.

Stay strong and think of yourself first, because she sure isn't.
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Old 3rd March 2016, 7:29 PM   #6
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if she is toxic, you have the right and obligation to protect yourself from her. Yes, we are all mortals. Yes, she will die and it'll most likely be in bitter loneliness. Should have thought about it when she was abusing you.

In all honesty, it's ok to make amends. Do forgive her, if you find it in your heart to, but under no circumstances, do not let her near you or in your life. She is toxic. Small doses over long periods of times.

Stay strong and think of yourself first, because she sure isn't.
I agree that I need to protect myself.

I just think her current sweetness is creepy and weird given how she was to me for most of my life.

I still see my mother a few times a year but only with others present.
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Old 3rd March 2016, 8:26 PM   #7
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Yikes okay she's probably wanting something. I'm usually fake like that for that reason but violence is not my thing i cannot even understand hurting kids. Be on your guard.
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Old 3rd March 2016, 8:43 PM   #8
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Yikes okay she's probably wanting something. I'm usually fake like that for that reason but violence is not my thing i cannot even understand hurting kids. Be on your guard.
I think what she wants is a closer relationship so that she can have more access into my life. She wants to know everything so that she can critique what I do and force her views on me.

Recently, she said that my father wanted both of them to come stay at my house. Then my mother told me that she didn't want to impose. I didn't walk into that trap and changed the subject. We don't want my mother staying in our house. A few hours here and there is enough.
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Old 3rd March 2016, 10:14 PM   #9
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Mothers and daughters are more alike then different.

Learned that and lived to understand how true that was.

You both innately love one another yet have built these wonderful walls to deny the other acess to your true selves. In time you'll both stop bringing the past into present day... until then... grow as the loving wife and friend to others.

She has an apology to make to you. Lets hope it happens , You've been a great daughter to her.
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Old 3rd March 2016, 11:09 PM   #10
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Mothers and daughters are more alike then different.

Learned that and lived to understand how true that was.

You both innately love one another yet have built these wonderful walls to deny the other acess to your true selves. In time you'll both stop bringing the past into present day... until then... grow as the loving wife and friend to others.

She has an apology to make to you. Lets hope it happens , You've been a great daughter to her.
I was waiting for your opinion because you're a wise person.

I am like my mother in good ways. We both keep immaculate homes.
We are both not easily influenced and we're both great entertainers. My mother and I both take care of our loved ones well...sometimes we are too nice to others and they take advantage.

My walls are there only because I don't want to get hurt anymore. When I was a child and up until I left home on bad terms, I was constantly getting hurt in different ways. I think age has a mellowing effect on people; my mom rarely shouts anymore and she holds her tongue more often.

I like to think that her new way of relating to me and saying "I love you" is her way of saying she's sorry.
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Old 3rd March 2016, 11:17 PM   #11
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Awww shucks! Thanks for the compliment,

indeed you share your mothers' trait.

Bless your heart.
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Old 4th March 2016, 1:00 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
Lately, my mother has become overly sweet and caring when we chat on the phone. She tells me how much she loves me, uses terms of endearment and she's very loving. She also says that she is proud of me. If we didn't have such a tough relationship for many years, I wouldn't think twice about my mom's current attitude. However, I feel like my mother is being fake and the syrupy sweetness is strange.

I grew up with my mother being very callous and awful to me. She also viciously assaulted me more than once for small things like forgetting to fold clothes. I used to hide the bruises and cuts so that my teachers wouldn't call the authorities. I also cried quietly at night and in school bathroom stalls. I'm sharing this to provide background and not to get people to feel sorry for me.

When my mother is kind to me, I respond in kind out of respect. I have no desire to be cruel to my mom because I see such vulnerability now that she is retirement age. I think it's better to take the high road and I still have some good memories despite the abuse I suffered. Loved ones have told me that my mother is likely seeing the error of her ways and now she wants to make amends.

What do you think?
She obviously has softened over the years and probably minimized what she's done to you throughout your childhood. You're handling it well - Keep being kind to her. If she wants to truly make amends then she should be able to talk to you about the past and apologize for her abusive behavior. Are you willing to 'go there' with her and talk about it all?
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Old 4th March 2016, 5:39 PM   #13
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She obviously has softened over the years and probably minimized what she's done to you throughout your childhood. You're handling it well - Keep being kind to her. If she wants to truly make amends then she should be able to talk to you about the past and apologize for her abusive behavior. Are you willing to 'go there' with her and talk about it all?
I wouldn't go there because my mom will just get defensive and angry. I know this from trying to discuss the past with her to no avail. She feels a lot of guilt because the abuse began to take a toll in my late teens.

My mom will probably never apologize but she does say that she was probably too strict. That is the closest I will ever get to an apology.

Sometimes I'm glad that my mother was so hard on me because I've seen the results of lax parenting. Parents who do not enforce rules and discipline end up with adult children who are entitled losers. I've seen parents buy their adult children houses and cars when they should be spending money on their retirement. I've seen adult children refuse to work and constantly beg their parents for money with no conscience.
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Old 4th March 2016, 6:15 PM   #14
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Either you are correct, or maybe she's dying? Not to be dramatic, but...mortality makes us rethink all of our relationships and past mistakes.

Or she wants something from you?

I vote for one of these...my mother use to be about the same only mine was more a verbal/mental abuse situation only when she was near the end of her life did she start to openly regret how she pushed me away by then it was kinda to late and I had pretty much mentally already severed the parent/child bond to the point I was sad when she passed but it wasn't as hard as it should have been maybe.
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Old 5th March 2016, 12:12 PM   #15
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I vote for one of these...my mother use to be about the same only mine was more a verbal/mental abuse situation only when she was near the end of her life did she start to openly regret how she pushed me away by then it was kinda to late and I had pretty much mentally already severed the parent/child bond to the point I was sad when she passed but it wasn't as hard as it should have been maybe.
My mother subjected me to every type of abuse except sexual.
I don't feel close to her at all. She's like an elderly relative that I barely know whom I have to see in a nursing home.

Last edited by BettyDraper; 5th March 2016 at 12:15 PM..
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